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In the Name of God بسم الله

Child Abuse and Silat ar-Rahm

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aaaaaa

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I was physically abused as a child and I've been pushing it into my subconscious for years now. It has impacted my psychological health in that all these years, I feel like I'm a bad child. I keep blaming myself but I know that I didn't deserve it. What's so hard about it now is that my parents still don't express any regret saying that I deserved it and that it wasn't as bad as I say it was. I've been struggling with creating a healthy relationship with them and I've really tried as painful as it has been. However, since my parents say they will never change and I'm the one with the attitude, this relationship never gets better. Now my question is: do you have any practical tips for maintaining Silat ar-Rahm, keeping in mind that I still live in their house? 

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  • 10 months later...
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Everyone will be held accountable on the day of judgement. Try to still do good to your parents despite all this - you will be rewarded for being patient.

But yeah, I would definitely recommend you to go to a counselor. Don't keep this pain to yourself. Be open about it.

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  • 7 months later...
On 7/17/2017 at 3:04 AM, aaaaaa said:

I was physically abused as a child and I've been pushing it into my subconscious for years now. It has impacted my psychological health in that all these years, I feel like I'm a bad child. I keep blaming myself but I know that I didn't deserve it. What's so hard about it now is that my parents still don't express any regret saying that I deserved it and that it wasn't as bad as I say it was. I've been struggling with creating a healthy relationship with them and I've really tried as painful as it has been. However, since my parents say they will never change and I'm the one with the attitude, this relationship never gets better. Now my question is: do you have any practical tips for maintaining Silat ar-Rahm, keeping in mind that I still live in their house? 

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I went through similar problems with my family although sometimes i wonder if its all in my mind like a hallucination because i do suffer from Asperger's Syndrone or maybe thats what brought it. My advice would be to use Neuro Linguistic Programming NLP psychological techniques to overcome your emotions and change your behaviour and thinking patterns. It works for me. Sorry i don't know what Silat al Rahm is. 

Edited by Murtaza1
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A lot of Eastern parents have this mindset that their harsh behavior with us was for our own good, so there is no need to apologize or ever think much about it. They believe they’ve done everything they could possibly do to give us a good life- that includes abusing us physically and emotionally. This is a very toxic mindset in many of our cultures. A lot of times we grow up fearing them and aiming to please them in every way possible. This is an almost impossible task however. Parents like this are emotionally immature-they undermine their children's confidence and self-esteem by acting like the child can never do enough to make them happy. Dealing with difficult parents is especially hard on an emotionally sensitive child. These children feel responsible  for worrying about other people’s needs and often over perform as the one in the family who cares about everyone else’s problems.

It’s quite difficult to please parents like this-but at the end of the day they ARE our parents and Islamically we must respect them. I think you should continue to be kind and respectful but try to distance yourself a little. You need to learn not to expect them to change their way of thinking or appreciate how you’re trying to build a better relationship with them. This is something you’ll need time and again. There will be many tests where you will need to be the bigger person without expecting a reward. Think of this as a test. Be kind but don’t expect too much. Someday our parents won’t be around and we will regret many things.That is the most practical advice I can think of, and what has helped me in dealing with difficult family.

You may also want to look into some kind of behavioral therapy or see a doctor to combat the emotional problems you may have developed as a result of the abuse. Physically abused children are predisposed to develop numerous psychological disturbances. They're more likely to have low self-esteem, deal with excessive fear and anxiety, have depression, have sleep issues and eating disorder, and act out aggressively toward others. 

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