Sexual frustration issue

[Guest Asd]

Salam,

I am a 22 year old male and I am at a dead end. I had my life under control for the most part but for the last year I have more or less failed as a person. Sexual frustration for me was something I accepted long ago and just lived with it until this year. My desire has reached an all time high to the point where even in Ramadan where I was fasting and reading Quran it would occupy my mind.

Fasting no longer works for me because I have fasted for most days since I turned 20, I have no female friends and I always lower my gaze and I go to the gym very late to avoid seeing any females and use up energy. I couldn't study this year because it occupied my mind 24/7 and I didn't do well at all at university. I have become a sex addict when I have never even had sex before. I try so so hard but It's drained the life out of me. Every now and then I look at something unlawful because my brain and body just cant resist.

I spoke to my parents about marriage but they said no I need to finish my studies first. I thought about not listening to them since I don't have to in this matter but I have years left at university with no money and a part time job in the weekend that gives me enough money to eat. Also from what others told me and me being logical, no one will give up their daughters to a guy in my situation (basically jobless, no money and lives of student loan in a small room). My family is also poor and they cant pay for the costs of me getting married which will cost me £10000+ (from all my friends that got married, £10000 was the cheapest), even if it was cheaper it has to be all me. Also I don't know a single family who will give their daughter in mutah...

During my summer holiday and Ramadan I spent it sleeping because I can't focus on anything while I am awake and I fear breaking my fast with self pleasure. I tried to stay around good company and going to the mosque but literally nothing works. I tried lectures, books, etc but nothing. 

So is this frustration really worth it. Is there a great sin for doing something considered haram just so I can live a semi-normal life? I cant imagine surviving for the next 5/10 years like this until I finish uni, get money and then find a spouse, I would become a horrible person with all the frustration and thoughts. It's already worrying now. Also is it really good for one to be tested with this desire to the extent that I can't function properly? Many hadiths (and ayats) emphasise the struggle of this desire but I'm at the point where it hurts and I am failing, extremely frustrated and angry at people all the time (mostly family).

What can I do, am I missing another option, technique, method or whatever? I really don't want to go hell but I dont know how long I can go on for, definitely not years..

[mesbah 1,235]

Salam

Well if you keep repeating "I can't go on, no nothing works for me, there's no way out but sin, etc" this adds to your frustration. In this way, even marriage won't work for you! Believe me, marriage is not Taqwa, you have to acquire Taqwa yourself, or else you ruin your marriage as well.

You are no exception, all youth have the very same problem with varying degrees. death to industrial, godless lifestyle that has ruined many things, includig natural on-time marriage and stable family. Sorry for the emotions, I couldn't help. However I don't think your situation is worse than Prophet Yusuf a or some living examples I know.

Somewhere at the end, you had said

2 hours ago, Guest Asd said:

I would become a horrible person with all the frustration and thoughts.

What kind of person do you think you'd become with the sin alternative? Believe me, any alternative would be even more horrible; if you engage in muta or similar practices now, you won't be able to build an honest, longlasting family later.

Who has ever said and proved observing Taqwa would make a horrible person?

Frustration has a reason, for men it's mostly the eyes, if you don't watch your eyes, you'll be hurt, whether single or married.

May Allah help us all.

[Intellectual Resistance 1,166]

How backward have our cultures become, that marriages now cost £10,000 - £100,000. 

[Abu Hadi 7,946]

Mutah was made for your situation, I would advise you do take advantage of this opportunity that Allah(s.w.a) has given you. If you can't find a muslima to do mutah with, you can find an Ahl Al Kitab women.

Doing haram is not an option. Things like porn and masturbation are haram for a reason. They don't resolve the situation and only take you further and further away from the Sirat Al Mustakeem(the strait path) and will only make you more frustrated, not less. It is like saying, 'I am going to put out this fire by pouring gasoline on it'. You probably know what will happen in that case. It is better to do Mutah with a Ahl Al Kitab women not known for her morals than to do haram (although according to Sayyid Sistani(ha) and most other marjaa you are not allowed to do mutah with a women who 'raises the flag' i.e. a prostitute).

You have more options for doing halal than you think. If Allah(s.w.a) made it obligatory to resolve your frustration thru marriage, then that means marriage is a possible thing for you, otherwise Allah(s.w.a) is not Just(auzubillah). But you have to look at your full range of options for marriage, rather than just the few limited options that your parents or culture have chosen as the 'correct' ones.

In order to ask for the hand of a muslima in zawaj tul nikah (aka permenant marriage) you must be able to support her financially. Financial support mean a place to live, food, and two dresses. If you can't provide that, then permenant marriage is not an option for you at this point, but mutah still is since there is no requirement of financial support for mutah. If you can provide that basic support, and you are a mumin (doing the wajib and not doing haram openly) then those girls and those families who turned you down will be questioned by Allah(s.w.a) on the Day of Judgement regarding this, and it won't be an easy questioning.

Edited June 24, 2017 by Abu Hadi

[Crimson 363]

Salam,

Your situation is pretty much exactly like mine. I am not going to tell you to do mutah because just like me you are probably aware that it's pretty much impossible. I have not heard of a single family that allows their daughter to enter a mutah relationship (I heard of someone who tried asking a few families before, he was ridiculed) and how would you even go about finding an older divorced woman who would want to do it? As for a non-Muslim, that's also pretty much harder since to meet one you'll need to 'date' of some sort and them explain it to them and hope they don't run away in fear/confusion and tell everyone...

The solution? It's what you already know and that's get married. But in order to get married, you'll need to have a degree, a high paying job, a house, expensive dowry and engagement, expensive wedding, and who knows what else. So technically there is no solution...

I realized that once you accept that fact we pretty much have no way out of this but to suffer and amass wealth because lets be real you are not getting married for anything less than £10000 and that's often with a 'religious' spouse and family. Engagement (and rings), dowry, weddings, and whatever others costs there are will easily set you back a minimum of £10000. Just like you, from my friends (same age group, I'm 21) that got married, the cheapest was £12000. This doesn't even hold to one culture it applies to Arabs, Asians, Africans, etc and mostly Shia's, a know and heard of Sunnis marrying young and at a very affordable amount and it was so easy for them. So as I said you have to suffer, period. People speak of a this 'salvation' that after a while of not paying attention to your sexual desires or fulfilling them unlawfully you will have wonderful psychological and spiritual experiences, well it's been years for me and it's just as hard as day one, if not harder and just like you I have become frustrated and angry too, 

So what can we really do? The basics. Lower your gaze, fast (just like you it no longer works for me and I have lost a lot of weight and energy), no music, no entertainment, etc but most importantly no fantasies or using your imagination. Is it the reason why I have been clean for so long. Lower the gaze, no music and entertainment with haram elements such as movies, TV shows, games and what not (which are a requirement to abstain from) but what truly levels the playing field is imagination and fantasies that you play in your head. It keeps your mind focusing on women and sex and hour by hour, day by day and so on it will become unbearable to do anything else but purely focus on not sinning which will then drain you. Fantasize and imagine other things that don't involve women, literally it was can as simple as lying down in a forest. Change the imagery in your head as soon as it comes to you, that will help you libido from spiking too often.

Like I said before, there is no way out of this at all, unless you get a large sum of money and become wealthy enough to meet the standards of today then you have to suffer, a lot. The only thing we can do is for our kids. If we do get married, we know what we went through so maybe we can help our children and allow them to get married from a younger age, whilst at university for example. As for us, society will not change whatever we say, whatever any scholar says or anybody for that matter. The customs and culture have overridden Islamic standards in this time and age and only when this breed that hold and enforce these practices die out, there will be change if we choose to do so. Which leads to my last point, accept your fate, realize that no matter how much you think about it and want a spouse you won't get one until you have met the standards of the 21st century requirement. This helped me with think about it a bit less. So assume you are going to live a celibate life and die a virgin and just focus on other areas of your life while avoiding the sins. InshAllah in our next life, we will be satisfied for what we missed out on in this life.

This is what I do and what I need to do to help me get through this because I also wont be married for at least 5+ years due to education, money and a not wealthy family background. Hope it helps you too.

May Allah make it easy for us.

 

 

[Bakir 2,677]

It does get better with time if you work on it. Focus on your life goals, on increasing your knowledge, on observing your behaviour and manners, etc. This should occupy your mind enough and build a strong mentality against such thoughts.

From my experience, it is wrong to give sex an importance it really doesn't have nor deserve outside of marriage.

And at the end, what helped me more to develop a real disgust for these unlawful behaviours is to observe those who go after sex.

Edited June 26, 2017 by Bakir

[ShiaChat Mod 1,567]

From Ayatullah Sistani:

2452. If a person gets entangled in haraam acts owing to his not having a wife, it is obligatory for him to marry.
 
http://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2352/

[Crimson 363]

33 minutes ago, Bakir said:

It does get better with time if you work on it. Focus on your life goals, on increasing your knowledge, on observing your behaviour and manners, etc. This should occupy your mind enough and build a strong mentality against such thoughts.

From my experience, it is wrong to give sex an importance it really doesn't have nor deserve outside of marriage.

And at the end, what helped me more to develop a real disgust for these unlawful behaviours is to observe those who go after sex.

The last point is very true. If you are at university you should have witnessed what they are like first hand, animals, literally.

7 minutes ago, ShiaChat Mod said:

From Ayatullah Sistani:

2452. If a person gets entangled in haraam acts owing to his not having a wife, it is obligatory for him to marry.
 
http://www.sistani.org/english/book/48/2352/

That's basically every guy in university and probably even before. How does that help? I mean if a guy is posting on a forum for help evidently it means he can't marry even though he's desperate for it.

[ShiaChat Mod 1,567]

On 6/26/2017 at 8:27 PM, Crimson said:

That's basically every guy in university and probably even before. How does that help? I mean if a guy is posting on a forum for help evidently it means he can't marry even though he's desperate for it.

For those who cannot marry permanently, for various reasons they always say, then they can marry mutah temporarily until they can marry permanently. 

[ShiaChat Mod 1,567]

On 6/26/2017 at 3:20 PM, Crimson said:

So assume you are going to live a celibate life and die a virgin and just focus on other areas of your life while avoiding the sins. InshAllah in our next life, we will be satisfied for what we missed out on in this life.

Great advice! There are a bazillion ways to keep busy instead of thinking about wimmin. Go to the gym or go for a walk. Study, read a book, help other people, etc.

https://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/235032257-not-married-keep-busy/