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In the Name of God بسم الله

Dead Heart and Ramadan!!

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When i left tumblr I was expecting a lot to change. I thought I’d start doing chores, I thought I’d re-memorize all the surahs and duas I’d forgetten, I thought I’d be praying all 5 with sunnah. I thought I’d become a muslim and a good person overall. I was wrong. Incredibly wrong. I didn’t realize that it was going to take more than just leaving a website to change who I was/am.

I left tumblr and honestly…I could not believe how many hours I’d wasted. I got bored so easily without tumblr but even with leaving tumblr, I couldn’t get up to pray. There wasn’t a difference. I checked my favourite blogs everyday. I was on facebook a lot. I still sat on my butt and did absolutely nothing but wonder and wish for things like:

  • i wish i was a better muslim
  • i wish I prayed
  • what’s the point when I don’t even feel anything when I pray?
  • i wish I had iman

Sometime around  november my iman became so low that I considered not practising at all (which obviously would take me out of Islam), AstaghfurAllaah. I never really thought about not practising…ever. I didn’t think about it till I became depressed and lazy. I talked to a friend about it and she gave me advice. It wasn’t the usual motivating, kind advice she gave. It was hurtful but it put things into perspective and helped me to stay in Islam. I realized that I was blessed with something, that something was the fact that I become EXTREMELY depressed and unproductive when I don’t pray. And also the fact that my life just goes horribly bad when I don’t pray. My mom yells at me more, my brother and sister become A LOT ruder, I become easily agitated, and something bad happens with my dad. I realized that it would do me no good to leave islam.

Now, you would think that would make me pray,right? No, it didn’t. I’m a stubborn person. I just realized the problem with that approach was: it wasn’t for the sake of Allaah. It was for myself. As we all know, it doesn’t work out if it’s not for the sake of Allaah. It just doesn’t. Now, finals are here and well…I’m “busy”. I’m not praying. And then, school was over.

NOW. I was like: k. School’s over. My parents are brown so its not like I’m going to be socializing (lol.I’m joking. My parents aren’t extremely strict when it comes to hanging out with friends, Alhamdulillah), I can pray fajr by staying up. My iman is going to be high sky. Like never before.

You guys get the pattern,right? Ofcourse, I didn’t change! By now…I’m just depressed. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t it be easy for me to pray? All I want is to serve Allaah. Why is He making it so hard? What have I done?

And then…it kind of hits me. I’ll tell you guys something about myself. I try very hard to be observant. Especially about myself. I know myself very well. I know what causes me to sin. I know whether some of the things I have issues with now are relative to my childhood or if they are not related. Things like that. So I realized that I didn’t pray because I didn’t want to. And I’m sure that everyone else who has trouble with their iman just don’t want the high iman enough. K,before you all start thinking things like: she doesn’t know what I go through! Its hard to practise when your family doesn’t (khirman’s note: my family doesn’t either but just because they’re sinning doesn’t mean I have to as well.). Or if you’re just thinking: It’s hard!!!!

Let me explain myself.

When a human wants something VERY bad, they do things to get it. For example, when I was younger, I wanted a nose piercing. My mother said no. So,what I did was I wrote an informative e-mail to my dad talking about why I wanted it, what the risks were, what type I wanted, what the costs were, where, when, how, who else had it, other people’s experiences,etc.

Why did I do all that?

Because, I wanted it REALLY bad. I put my effort into the email because I was hoping it would convince him (he said no,btw.lol).

Perhaps, that isn’t good enough of an example. But it can be applied to all situations the way I look at it. If you really want something really bad, you work for it. You don’t whine about it. You don’t wish for it. You WORK for it.

The sooner you realize that, the better.

If you want high iman, just get up and pray.

I have had extremely low iman. I know how hopeless you feel. I know you feel like it’s too hard and you don’t see the point. But if you truly despised the situation you’re in, you’d do something to change it.

I do understand. But NOTHING will help you till you make the change. No tips from ANYONE will help you till you decide to stop living your crap life. Only when you change yourself will the tips help.

NOW. WAIT UP.

Some of you might be thinking I’ve become a good muslim. You are wrong. Very wrong.

Yes, I pray but I still find it SO hard to do it. I still don’t have khushoo. I still find it hard to read the Quran. I find it hard to do acts of worship.

But I still have to do them. I don’t look forward to them yet but I still do them. They are obligatory and if I love Allaah the way I say I do (and fear Allaah’s wrath), then I’d do them regardless of the fact that I may not feel them in my heart. Is that bad? Yes, kind of. Muslims should look forward to praying 5x a day. They shouldn’t be seeing it as a chore. They should look at it as a way to connect with The Most Kind and The Most Merciful.

Is it better than where I was before?

HELL YES. I would much rather be praying and not be feeling anything (I will soon, in shaa Allaah) than be back at where I was before.

Side note: and even though I don’t experience anything sometimes, I always feel better after I pray. ALWAYS. 

These are comparisons of how I was before compared to now (I’ve been keeping a private tumblr journal to track my progress hence the screenshots):

Lol, I feel so stupid posting this only but ohwellz. It’s proof.

Then (December -January):

tumblr_m72cxy4MKj1qm3mcw.png

tumblr_m72cz4LhGT1qm3mcw.png

LOL, that’s pretty much how I felt for a few months.

Now:

I don’t have much to show here. I can just say that I just force myself to do everything. 

I am a firm believer in the fact that you don’t truly want something if you’re not working for it. This post was not to brag about my progress but rather to show that…well…if you truly wanted to pray, you’d make yourself do it. Please stop whining and wishing and start doing. Seriously…you just have to do it.

Keep pushing yourself. Some days, you’ll be experiencing euphoria and some days, you’ll be experiencing depression. You just have to push yourself and know that nothing is worth leaving the straight path. It really isn’t. You may feel good for a bit but your heart will be dead and nothing is worth a dead heart.

PS:

this post is not directed towards people whose parents will harm them if they pray or those in other dire circumstances. It is directed towards those who are like me.

P.p.s: there’s this book, “Shut up, stop whining, and get a life”. I highly reccommend it to everyone. It’s really good. It’s SUPER good. Do get it from the library or order it (the yellow version).
 

Use your Ramadan wisely and make dua that you will change.

I hope this was a hard slap to the face.

Asalamalaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakathu

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Salam,

Forgive me, I didn't read your entire post, but generally speaking,  it is better to take baby steps when coming back to Allah. For a start praying the five prayers on time, even if you pray them doing the minimum, it is still a good start. After a few days or at some point, in sha' Allah you will get the calling for prayer back. 

Then slowy,  build it up,  make your prayers a bit longer,  do the tasbih of Fatima after, etc.

I've kind of been in the same situation as you (although I don't know what tumblr is?) and it always strikes me how eager Allah is to welcome us back and how much of a gap in your life not reciting the Qur'an leaves. 

Don't  put too much burden on yourself. 

As for the parts of the Qur'an that you may have forgotten,  that happens to a lot of us, your brain hasn't forgotten them, do a bit of revision,  one surah at a time and they will come back to you in sha' Allah.

Edited by Ali_Hussain
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12 hours ago, Amber zahra said:

Use your Ramadan wisely and make dua that you will change.

@Ali_Hussain's advice is good. I agree with him. Also make sure you improve your good manners by being kind and trying to get along with everyone. :)  

The Holy Prophet SA said, "While fasting, remember the hunger and thirst on the Day of Judgment. Give alms to the poor and needy. Pay respect to your elders, have sympathy for your youngsters and be kind towards your relatives and kinsmen. O people! Anybody who in this month cultivates good manners will walk over the siraat (i.e. the bridge leading to Paradise via the rim of hell) on the day when feet will tend to slip." 

http://imamreza.net/eng/imamreza.php?id=11050

Edited by Hameedeh
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  • Basic Members

Asalamunalaykum

I would advice you to take small steps and start with improving ur daily routine by following the sunnah of Prophet (saw) and Ahlalbaith (as). Saying Bismilliah and Salaam before entering a house, speaking good or keeping silent, staying in the state of wuzu, washing hands before and after a meal are some examples. 

I would also advice u to start listening to audio Quran chapter by chapter in a language u understand completely. 

Seek forgiveness as much as u can because Allah says in Surah Zumar (39:53)

“Say: O My servants who have transgressed against their own souls, despair not of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

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Like the above posters, when I started reading, I also thought she came here for help. She didn't. She shared her experience for those who are feeling the same thing she did earlier, in hope that it might help them. Perhaps, she should've mentioned it in the start.

Just like the OP, I lost that magic in prayers. When I first embraced the Shia beliefs, life changed for me. The first few weeks were incredible! I actually missed being upset and being worried. Every single one of my prayer (wishes) would get accepted immediately. It was like I actually saw what life would be like in heaven. Lol!

Life kept getting better and better until I ended up facing confusions. Things changed. I left Shiachat for a few months, which actually made things worse. I was able to get back on the track of prayers but it wasn't long when I felt broke and abandoned prayers for months! No matter how hard I tried, things were never the same. Every time I tried praying, the prayers felt empty.

A few days would pass by where I would try praying again but ended up abandoning them again for a lot of weeks, maybe even months. I started to get back on the track again this Ramadhan but the emptiness is still there. There's an advice by Imam Ali which says something like, we should focus solely on wajib prayers when our Iman is at it's lowest and focus on Nafilah prayers when our Iman is at it's peak. Because let's face it, by abandoning the wajib prayers, we're actually guaranteeing Hell for ourselves. So, this advice keeps me going and I try to pray all the wajib prayers as best as I can.

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