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Confused About Family Issues

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Guest Anonymous_Iraqi

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Guest Anonymous_Iraqi

Need advice. I'm a 20 year old girl from Pennsylvania. Currently working on my Poli Sci degree, I have about 2 years left but I dont think Ill make it that long. I dont think I cant handle living with my family anymore. I am really sick and tired of my life style here. They disrespect me constantly, dislike me, think im a [Edited Out] (mind you ive never done anything behind their backs or been with any guy),  their always fighting even for the simplest thing. This lifestyle is so toxic, I am literally so exhausted from my life they make me HATE it. I understand they been through alot of [Edited Out], but that doesn't give them the right to make my life a living hell and make my life horrible just because theirs was. They are tempered and angry and I cant even have a civilized conversation with them because of how tempered and disrespectful they are. There is absolutely no trust between us, mostly because I have an older sister who made some mistakes when she was younger and now my parents dislike/distrust me because of her. I cant do anything they are so strict and im getting fed up. I literally cant even study in a library on campus to long. One time I got accused of not being a virgin because I was hanging with my two friends ( there was no guys, we were just chillin by the river) in the forest of our campus.  I have tried alot with them but at this point I dont give a damn about anyone in my family anymore. This year I really distanced myself from my parents, I understand islam teaches us to love and keep contact with our parents, but I cannot see a future with such toxic disgusting hateful people. If they were respectful, and treated me better, and trusted me I would do anything for them and stay. But my younger brother who is 4 years old, gets more respect than me. its unbelievable. This is not a life worth living, constantly being told what to do and im 20, no trust no respect nothing and I am SICK and tired of being called a [Edited Out] and [Edited Out] they tried to mentally [Edited Out] with my mind and try to make me believe im crazy and im a [Edited Out] finally after all this time i realized its THEM they are toxic and just like cancer I need to cut them out before it kills me.  I want to completely leave and start a new life, leave behind all the bad memories. Do you think it will eventually backfire on me if I just up and leave suddenly one day without telling them? I hate saying it but its come to the point where I literally cannot stand them, I spend almost every night crying for hours wishing for death- literally thats all Ive been praying for since I was younger. The only thing that stopped me from leaving years ago was my baby brothers I love them so much. I dont understand my "parents", what hurts me most is they dont even realize how much pain they caused, not once do they own up to problems or admit their wrong. They dont act their age and take responsibility for problems instead they blame it on us just like how they blamed my sisters mistake on me when i was only 14. And another thing that hurts me is how my mother goes against me when I stand up for her when my dad gets angry, because I am a girl, they are soooooooooo sexist constantly cursing girls saying we should die. So what do I do, I havent gotten any sleep these past few weeks, they literally, LITERALLY make me so sad sometimes I cant even function. Should I leave now or should I wait till I graduate. Should I just up and leave one day or should I attempt to leave on good terms. As I said before, I love my family but I cant live like this anymore they are like a cancer. 

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Try your best to not let it get to you. This may sound particularly stupid, but trust me the more you ignore them, the easier it gets over time. I can relate to you, sister. If you give in, life will be tough for you. Just stay strong and keep up your studies, you're doing great!

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39 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous_Iraqi said:

Should I leave now or should I wait till I graduate. Should I just up and leave one day or should I attempt to leave on good terms. As I said before, I love my family but I cant live like this anymore they are like a cancer. 

Are your parents paying for your education? If they are, you need to graduate and pay them back. If you are paying for your own education, you could be selfish and leave the family, but wouldn't it be better to stay with your family and try to make their lives better? What will happen to your little brothers when you are not around? Will they be blamed because you left the family? 

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Sister, you aren't the first woman to feel like this and you won't be the last. It sounds like your parents have some mental health issues, the behaviour as you have described it isn't normal. So knowing that,  can you not take what  they do and say with a pinch of salt ?(obviously it is easier said than done)

You should seek help from a senior family member and try to have them mediate a clear the air chat. People aren't usually strict with people that they hate,  being overly strict is a sign that they care about your wellbeing.

Either way you should try and take a few deep breaths and try and make the best of a bad situation. Spend more time in your room reading and studying, even try some escapism by registering for this site. But drop your plans about moving out, that won't solve anything and you will probably regret it later on, as you say you love your brothers, how would you feel if you weren't able to see them anymore.

Pray to Allah to soften their hearts. 

Good luck. 

Edited by Ali_Hussain
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Sister, i am so sorry youre going thru this, i am just wondering, could you move out, if its possible? or as suggested earlier, have someone talk to them, a family member? maybe a friend? anyone, out there thats your support group? what do you friends say, we also have a sisters consultancy group (SCG) @Hameedeh if you could show her, i am so so so so sorry youre going thru this.This if you feel its abnormal , could you involve the autohrities? i mean or go to some hospital therapist or counselor who could help you.COuld you ask your older sister for help? waitwait, get an islamic scholar to come talk to them. I pray you can get out of this horrible situation >ASAP!!!! GUYS, I KNOW THIS ISNT PHYSICAL ABUSE, BUT IT IS A FORM OF MENTAL ABUSE, SO PLEASE TAKE THE SITUATION CAREFULLY, i think you need to have family counselling sister!!!!.

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On 5/26/2017 at 12:53 AM, sidnaq said:

we also have a sisters consultancy group (SCG) @Hameedeh if you could show her,

The Sisters Consultancy Group (SCG) is only available to ShiaChat members, not to guests. Members who have access to their private messages can send a PM to one of the sisters. Please see this topic: 

https://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/22292-discussion-of-private-and-personal-matters-sisters/

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With a degree in Poly Sci, you might be living with them for a while. 

First advice, if possible, change your major to something that has decent job prospects. 

Second, this angst is there for a reason. This is the time in your life when, Islamically, you are supposed to get married, or at least move in that direction. That would be the second advice. 

But find a guy who is open to you working outside the home and having a career, as it seems this is something you want to do. Salam. 

P.S., also, don't take this thing with disliking your parents too far because if you do definitely you will regret it later. Also, like others have said, in the short term try to ignore them and be patient. 

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Sister Iraqi,

Jouma Mubaraqa.  Sister, usually when people are in a high stressed environment you either "fight or flight".  Nobody knows the history of your parents like you do, I think you need to empathize with them.  This is all they know.  Alhamd'Allah you are able to leave the house and study at the university.  But understand if you want to move out there is a lot of responsibilities. First, you need a well paying job to pay for the rent and bills.  Second, you will not find happiness this way.  Third, maybe you moving out without their approval will cause a bigger rift between you.  This is not what you need.

From the way I read your post, you might have a better relationship with your mother than your father.  Look at them in merciful eyes and not in hate or disgust.  The language you have used also might reflect the way your behavior is to them.  Change begins with ourselves first. 

Use the month of Ramadhan for a month of reflection and change your routine.  Maybe while your mother is in the kitchen help her out or ask her to teach you to make some iftar dinners and work with her hand in hand.  Have conversations with her as you would with your friend.  I'm sure it won't be easy at first and you have no idea where to start, but approach her step by step.  This takes time and building relationships is not something done overnight.  Use these 30 days of month of Ramadhan as an opportunity to be closer to your mom.  Make du32 and say it is for the sake of Allah, you are taking steps to change.  Before you leave the house tell your mom, "please your du32 so I can do good on my test today."  "Mom, pray for me for tawfeeq"  These small comments, when they hear it from you, they will notice and you are teaching your younger brothers, as you are what they see and a role model for them.

Demonstrate your love and be thankful towards them. 

Honest question, When was the last time you hugged or kissed your parents?  Show affection, genuine care and love during this month of Mercy.  Do it for the sake of God and I promise you won't be disappointed. 

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Edited by Laayla
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Listen, you are in the United States, where it is perfectly normal and socially acceptable for unmarried adults to live on their own. Consider it. 

My parents are great, but I grew up in a large family and moved out on my own before my 18th birthday. I worked 2-3 jobs to support myself and pay my university tuition while I was studying for my degree in engineering. It's not easy, but it's possible. 

Don't cut ties with your family though, unless it is as a last resort. It's amazing what a little distance will do for relationships. My parents thought of me as an immature child in need of constant supervision and protection until I moved out. My mom once said "it's like she went from 12 to 30 between 17 and 19" but I know I was still immature at 19 and more mature than they realized at 17. Moving out definitely improved my relationship with my parents. I've struggled financially most of my adult life, and I've made some really stupid mistakes, but I've lived and learned and it's all been worth it overall.

So think about it. 

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I'm so sorry you're going through this Sister. Your parents are emotionally and mentally abusing you, by placing the blame on you for other people's behavior, and I understand your frustration because it seems like your family does not understand the impact of their words, and your toxic relationship with them is the reason for your unhappiness.

You are perfectly welcome and accepted to have feelings of negativity such as frustration, anger, sadness, even hate. Having those negative feelings is not wrong in the slightest, although some people will try to convince you to not harbor negative feelings, which is counterproductive. If you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, talk it out, journal, they will have less impact on you. By accepting that you have negative feelings is the first step toward healing. 

If you ignore your feelings of anger, it will go unresolved, and will likely cause depression, since depression is anger turned inward. You need to release this anger by channelling it healthfully, like stretching lines based on your emotions, punching homemade dough, talking it to a therapist about it.

Sister, you say that you pray for death and cry - this may be a sign of anxiety and/depression. From the way you've written your OP, it seems like you have anxiety as well. I highly recommend sorting it out with a therapist. 

Here are some steps to ease tension in your home life:

1. Set boundaries with your parents. Let them know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. Firmly, but kindly, state, "Mom/Dad I feel criticized when you put the blame on me and I don't appreciate that. If you want to keep blaming me about problems that are not my own and behaving disrespectfully toward me, I will leave this conversation and the room."

Setting boundaries take time. Many middle eatern parents do not understand the concept of boundaries, but with setting healthy boundaries, they will eventually learn that their behavior toward you is not acceptable. Keep attempting to set boundaries. 

 

2. Talk to a therapist 

 

3. If you are financially stable, move out. 

Feel free to pm me, if you ever want to talk, Sis. I'm here for you.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors
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22 hours ago, Hameedeh said:

Are your parents paying for your education? If they are, you need to graduate and pay them back. If you are paying for your own education, you could be selfish and leave the family, but wouldn't it be better to stay with your family and try to make their lives better? What will happen to your little brothers when you are not around? Will they be blamed because you left the family? 

No its paid with tuition and scholarships. Only thing they help me with is a few hundred dollars every year for books which I eventually pay them back for. I wouldn't just leave without paying them back. Nothing will happen to my little brothers dont worry. 

22 hours ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Sister, you aren't the first woman to feel like this and you won't be the last. It sounds like your parents have some mental health issues, the behaviour as you have described it isn't normal. So knowing that,  can you not take what  they do and say with a pinch of salt ?(obviously it is easier said than done)

You should seek help from a senior family member and try to have them mediate a clear the air chat. People aren't usually strict with people that they hate,  being overly strict is a sign that they care about your wellbeing.

Either way you should try and take a few deep breaths and try and make the best of a bad situation. Spend more time in your room reading and studying, even try some escapism by registering for this site. But drop your plans about moving out, that won't solve anything and you will probably regret it later on, as you say you love your brothers, how would you feel if you weren't able to see them anymore.

Pray to Allah to soften their hearts. 

Good luck. 

They dont have mental health issues they are just toxic people that love drama and fights. Im always in my room to get away from them aside from occasionally coming downstairs to clean or whatever. That doesnt work, either way if im in front of them or if im away they are always causing trouble its not something I can casually escape. 

 

22 hours ago, Hussaini624 said:

Try your best to not let it get to you. This may sound particularly stupid, but trust me the more you ignore them, the easier it gets over time. I can relate to you, sister. If you give in, life will be tough for you. Just stay strong and keep up your studies, you're doing great!

I promise you, I have tried everything including ignoring them that doesn't work. I've tried talking to them but its almost impossible for them to simply act like adults and not disrespect or curse me every few minutes or so. It doesn't get easier its been getting worse as the years pass by hence why I've given up on them. 

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19 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

With a degree in Poly Sci, you might be living with them for a while. 

First advice, if possible, change your major to something that has decent job prospects. 

Second, this angst is there for a reason. This is the time in your life when, Islamically, you are supposed to get married, or at least move in that direction. That would be the second advice. 

But find a guy who is open to you working outside the home and having a career, as it seems this is something you want to do. Salam. 

P.S., also, don't take this thing with disliking your parents too far because if you do definitely you will regret it later. Also, like others have said, in the short term try to ignore them and be patient. 

Im not changing my major lol I love it. I also dont have any intentions of getting married now or in the future I dont have time for that drama. I wont take disliking them too far as I said before I love them but if theres people who are toxic in my life regardless of who they are they must be cut out of my life if I want to stay sane and happy. 

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16 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Sister Iraqi,

Jouma Mubaraqa.  Sister, usually when people are in a high stressed environment you either "fight or flight".  Nobody knows the history of your parents like you do, I think you need to empathize with them.  This is all they know.  Alhamd'Allah you are able to leave the house and study at the university.  But understand if you want to move out there is a lot of responsibilities. First, you need a well paying job to pay for the rent and bills.  Second, you will not find happiness this way.  Third, maybe you moving out without their approval will cause a bigger rift between you.  This is not what you need.

From the way I read your post, you might have a better relationship with your mother than your father.  Look at them in merciful eyes and not in hate or disgust.  The language you have used also might reflect the way your behavior is to them.  Change begins with ourselves first. 

Use the month of Ramadhan for a month of reflection and change your routine.  Maybe while your mother is in the kitchen help her out or ask her to teach you to make some iftar dinners and work with her hand in hand.  Have conversations with her as you would with your friend.  I'm sure it won't be easy at first and you have no idea where to start, but approach her step by step.  This takes time and building relationships is not something done overnight.  Use these 30 days of month of Ramadhan as an opportunity to be closer to your mom.  Make du32 and say it is for the sake of Allah, you are taking steps to change.  Before you leave the house tell your mom, "please your du32 so I can do good on my test today."  "Mom, pray for me for tawfeeq"  These small comments, when they hear it from you, they will notice and you are teaching your younger brothers, as you are what they see and a role model for them.

Demonstrate your love and be thankful towards them. 

Honest question, When was the last time you hugged or kissed your parents?  Show affection, genuine care and love during this month of Mercy.  Do it for the sake of God and I promise you won't be disappointed. 

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Habibti, dont be fooled by my "harsh" words ok Im not some cold hearted [Edited Out] who doesnt empathize with her OWN parents. Im not an idiot I understand they have had a really rough life but Allah doesnt say "ok look, u have to handle all this pain and misery for years because they went through pain so its only fair." No. Not at all. Im done with our culture teaching us to just be obedient and take everything and shut up. Im tired of this type of unfair HARAM treatment, Im tired of it being so normalized that if someone dare speaks about it or questions it- then its automatically her fault. No no no no, god did not make us this way. Is that how brainwashed we are? God forbid a women actually speaks up about unfair treatment suddenly shes shunned and is looked at by her family as the devil, god forbid I actually wanna live a simple peaceful life with no fights and disrespect. Am I really asking for so much? 

My mother calls me a [Edited Out] all the time while shes on the prayer mat reading quran, is that even logical? Is this how a "mother" suppose to act? Why do I have to constantly teach my parents who are 50 about how to treat and respect ppl, im DONE trying to  educate them when they dont listen. As I said before they are not civilized enough to even hold a decent conversation. AND they hypocrisy is unbelievable. I listen to music- im considered a [Edited Out] and [Edited Out]. However my brother can be a drunken abusive bum who steels and disrespects and messes around with multiple women and they love him. (Not that im judging him because we all make mistakes, but seriously?)

Yes I am fully aware of how hard and expensive it will be once I move out but I would rather be homeless then live in this environment anymore. Earlier you said it will cause more trouble if I move out with their permission, at this point I dont even care about their "approval" anymore, they dont approve of anything, and Im not a child so I dont need their approval anymore. 

BTW  you got it backwards my relationship with my mother is WAAAAYYYY worse then the one with my father. As I said, I do look at them mercifully and always have, but really im so over that. I dont HATE them or look at them in disgust, I just hate their ACTIONS, and I rightfully should do so. 

Your right I will try and use this month to self reflect, but as I said it wont really do much because Ive already done this so much times, I understand my flaws. I know im not that religious, I know I dont pray. I am far from perfect believe me, but that wont change anything if THEY dont reflect for once. Ive already been through this phase for years thinking it was me and that maybe if I act this way or that way things would be better- wrong it doesnt matter anymore! Nothing matters!!! THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE THEIR STUBBORN WAYS. You honestly tried advising me on helping her out in the kitchen? LOL I appreciate ur advice but I already do that! What do I get in return? HER CONSTANT NAGGING AND NON STOP CURSING over the smallest things, its so petty. Its gotten so bad I have to listen to music 24/7 when im around her so i cant talk to her because of her unnecessary  nagging and cursing. As I said before nothing works with her I can clean the whole house take care of the kids waste my day for her she will still complain and fight so I AM DONE. U asked me to make dua, lol honestly u think I havent? U said what example am I setting for my baby brother- a better example then their own parents I have personal conversations with them at night without anyone knowing and I make sure to teach them basic things like "Allah loves you, dont be hateful, always respect women, dont listen to baba when hes mad, always be happy and smile, etc". 

I havent hugged or kissed them in a while, as I said before I am done with them. There is no point in showing affection to parents who dislike me so much, Ive tried before and to no avail. So at this point i dont care for them. Someone earlier on said they wouldnt be so strict on you if they hated you, meaning they somehow "love" me for this treatment. All I can say, is love manifests itself in words and actions, if they really loved me or even cared just a bit they would at least attempt to treat me better.  The only thing they are worried about is family reputation thats how it is with arabs. As I said before, Im farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr from perfect. But at this point I can care less for anyone in my family for that matter (aside from my baby bros).

Quick side note- has it ever occurred to that maybe juuuussssst maybe for once the parents actually DO make mistakes. WOW shocker right? I know we are soooo brainwashed to believe everything is always our fault for being "bad rebellious girls" right? Come on honey, this may come as a shocker but parents ARE capable of making mistakes whilst raising their kids. It happens. 

Then again what do I know right? Just a little rebellious [Edited Out] right? God forbid I want to be treated like a human. smallest thing we do and its "yuma yuma wakha benti gahba". Un- freaking- believable.

anyways just wanted to vent lol. L8r toots. 

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On 5/26/2017 at 3:08 AM, Abu Hadi said:

With a degree in Poly Sci, you might be living with them for a while. 

First advice, if possible, change your major to something that has decent job prospects. 

Second, this angst is there for a reason. This is the time in your life when, Islamically, you are supposed to get married, or at least move in that direction. That would be the second advice. 

But find a guy who is open to you working outside the home and having a career, as it seems this is something you want to do. Salam. 

P.S., also, don't take this thing with disliking your parents too far because if you do definitely you will regret it later. Also, like others have said, in the short term try to ignore them and be patient. 

-___-

Ahem.......Soon to be graduate from Wayne State majoring in Political Science.

Why the rough stance on P.S majors? I think its a fantastic program and a great stepping stone for someone looking to get into the public sector, or even federal law enforcement (1811's now desire these degree's, especially ones with a concentration on world politics). I'm only using it to get into Wsu's law program, but even so, I've heard that roughly a third of Poly-sci students enter the business field, namely finance. Not sure how that works, but its out there.

In the end, it tops out better than most LAS degrees......your degree is really what you make of it. Having connections also helps.

An example, my history teacher back in junior high pursued a history degree, It landed him jobs teaching, you guessed it, history, at DPS schools.

My fathers cousin has a history degree, he owns 12 taco bells.

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Bismehe Ta3ala 

At the end of the day, the choice is yours.  You will be the product of your decisions in this life.  You have admitted things you do and don't do, that is precisely why I said work on yourself first.  As for your brother why he can get away with things, this is life.  Who says it is fair or right?  

Call them toxic or any other labelling you want about your parents, I'm not going to be the one who will say ditch your parents or leave them out in the road.  Many people who don't have a conscious or don't care about islamic values or obligations will tell you this. 

Allah swt protect you from harm, sometimes the worst enemy is yourself.

Insh'Allah khayr

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

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Salam. I think everyone else has given adequate advice (esp @Islandsandmirrors) and you're absolutely right about not thinking about marriage at the moment. I don't think with the toxic home environment and the stress that you are ready for it. If you start to look for someone now you'll see it as a way to escape and it'll hinder you from finding the right type of person. You are young, still figuring yourself and your situation out and that's what your focus should be on. And if anyone does come along that's looking to marry you please be wary. You may still see him as an escape and latch onto someone who may be even more toxic than your family.

Islamically we have obligations towards our parents but they have their obligations towards us too. I think you can fulfill those obligations while distancing yourself. They are affecting your mental well being and I think it's fine to take a step back and reanalyze your relationship with them. Also try seeing a therapist as sister islandsandmirrors has mentioned. 

I hope any of this has helped. May Allah ease your difficulties

On 5/26/2017 at 10:08 PM, Guest Anonymous_Iraqi said:

Im not changing my major lol I love it. I also don’t have any intentions of getting married now or in the future I don’t have time for that drama. I wont take disliking them too far as I said before I love them but if theres people who are toxic in my life regardless of who they are they must be cut out of my life if I want to stay sane and happy. 

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On 5/26/2017 at 1:16 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this Sister. Your parents are emotionally and mentally abusing you, by placing the blame on you for other people's behavior, and I understand your frustration because it seems like your family does not understand the impact of their words, and your toxic relationship with them is the reason for your unhappiness.

You are perfectly welcome and accepted to have feelings of negativity such as frustration, anger, sadness, even hate. Having those negative feelings is not wrong in the slightest, although some people will try to convince you to not harbor negative feelings, which is counterproductive. If you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, talk it out, journal, they will have less impact on you. By accepting that you have negative feelings is the first step toward healing. 

If you ignore your feelings of anger, it will go unresolved, and will likely cause depression, since depression is anger turned inward. You need to release this anger by channelling it healthfully, like stretching lines based on your emotions, punching homemade dough, talking it to a therapist about it.

Sister, you say that you pray for death and cry - this may be a sign of anxiety and/depression. From the way you've written your OP, it seems like you have anxiety as well. I highly recommend sorting it out with a therapist. 

Here are some steps to ease tension in your home life:

1. Set boundaries with your parents. Let them know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. Firmly, but kindly, state, "Mom/Dad I feel criticized when you put the blame on me and I don't appreciate that. If you want to keep blaming me about problems that are not my own and behaving disrespectfully toward me, I will leave this conversation and the room."

Setting boundaries take time. Many middle eatern parents do not understand the concept of boundaries, but with setting healthy boundaries, they will eventually learn that their behavior toward you is not acceptable. Keep attempting to set boundaries. 

 

2. Talk to a therapist 

 

3. If you are financially stable, move out. 

Feel free to pm me, if you ever want to talk, Sis. I'm here for you.

I really appreciate your advice habibti, I do write to help ease the pain. I paint, write poetry and stories, sketching and reading but this isnt always the solution sometimes. I wouldn't ever see a therapist, I just don't feel like I can relate to some random old white person who wouldn't understand my problems (no offense to whites lol i got nothing against any race/religion). Therapy wouldn't do me any good lol I would prefer talking to a shiek about my issues (which i cant do cuz here we only have like 1-2 mosques haven't been there in years cuz of sisters issue. You know how community judges when someone does something bad in family so I cant really talk to any shiek at least from here). 

Yes ur right I shouldn't have ignored the pain because now its really gotten worse, I should have tried fixing it years ago but the only advice I ever got was ignore it and be patient. So I figured just be patient and go with the flow...hasn't really changed anything and at this point im tired. 

You mentioned some boundaries I should set for my parents...Lol. As I said before, they are not civil enough to have conversations like this. I really am not exaggerating when I say that wallah. And lol setting boundaries and telling them how I feel, Lol lol lol. We dont talk about "feelings" in our family we as just supposed to take it and shut up. There is no talking about feelings or boundaries with them, these are people who have been through years of war, pain, betrayal, hardships. They are  aggressive, desensitized, hence why I said I empathize with them daily because I understand where they are coming so I can never really blame them for anything, I cannot hate them either (just hate their actions).  But their aggression and attitude is deeply affecting me, I feel so calm and quiet when Im alone in my room, I feel religious and closer to god when I am away from them wallah. Idky but when Im away from my family im so happy and I feel content and at peace. But whenever im around them they make me so angry sometimes, they make me not want anything to do with religion, they make me angry and curse. Children are a product of how they are raised by their parents. If I am constantly surrounded by people this aggressive, toxic, and hateful then I will adopt similar characteristics which is what im trying to avoid. If tried "setting boundaries" with them lol As I said before it doesnt work with them. For example, when my father disrespects my mother I tell him "baba ur too old to still be acting like that shes your wife, has some respect", He wll give me a dirty look and curse. And what do I get in turn for standing up for my mother? I get cursed out by her because she says Im a girl and I shouldnt speak up. Everytime I try standing up for my "mother" she goes against me, so I stopped standing up for her. I stopped caring for her honestly. Another example, "Baba please dont fight over the coffee being finished, eib its just coffee not worth the fights" I get cursed out and disrespected, and then he threatens to kick me out lol I wish he did Id rather be homeless, dont worry I know he wont ever kick me out hes too worried about family reputation. Do u see the issue here? They fight over small petty things. They dont let things go. As I said before there is no civilized conversations withb ppl like this.  Stubborn and set in their ways. 

And yes, once Im financially stable I will move out, regardless of how much ppl say its haram for a girl to live alone and move out against their parents will. 

But thanks for ur help :)

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6 hours ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala 

At the end of the day, the choice is yours.  You will be the product of your decisions in this life.  You have admitted things you do and don't do, that is precisely why I said work on yourself first.  As for your brother why he can get away with things, this is life.  Who says it is fair or right?  

Call them toxic or any other labelling you want about your parents, I'm not going to be the one who will say ditch your parents or leave them out in the road.  Many people who don't have a conscious or don't care about islamic values or obligations will tell you this. 

Allah swt protect you from harm, sometimes the worst enemy is yourself.

Insh'Allah khayr

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

Laayla your not good at giving advice habibti. 

Im not "calling" or "labeling" them as anything, Im telling you how they are this is a fact. Maybe I should rephrase and say their actions are toxic, does that make u feel better? Great. On that note, they arent going to be "left out in the road" lol really? If anything im the one who will left in the road. People who tell me to leave arent heartless or godless, lol see how quick u came up with conclusions. They simply read the situation Im in and respond with the most logical response, which is MOVING out. Leaving a toxic family doesnt mean someone is a bad heartless cold person, it just means they are sick of the toxic life their in, and dont assume I dont care about islamic values just because I want to move out. Islamic values + morals isnt synonymous with living with family no matter how much pain they cause. Stupid logic. As I said before, your not good at giving advice. Please refrain from attempting to "advise" me in the future. Thanks :) 

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On 5/27/2017 at 2:00 PM, Guest Anonymous_Iraqi said:

As I said before, your not good at giving advice. Please refrain from attempting to "advise" me in the future. Thanks :) 

Please don't be harsh with dear sweet sister Laayla. She's giving the best advice from her own perspective. If it doesn't apply to you, definitely don't take it, but decline her advice gently or quietly, please. She's very kind and gentle, I'm sure she means well.

On 5/27/2017 at 1:49 PM, Guest Anonymous_Iraqi said:

And yes, once Im financially stable I will move out, regardless of how much ppl say its haram for a girl to live alone and move out against their parents will. 

There is no financially stable, except for the very rich. If your home is as toxic as it sounds, get a part time job if you don't already have one and save up for security deposits on an apartment and utilities as quickly as possible. If you have a friend who can split rent with you, share a two bedroom apartment with another unmarried woman, it's much more affordable. If you wait for stability you'll be where you are now forever. 

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Shahir Ramadhan mubarak to you.  No worries, sister.  I won't give you my falliable opinion.  Here is ahadith from infalliable Imams.

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said,

“Allah will not accept the Salāt of the person who stares angrily at his parents. Even though they (parents) may be unjust.”

Imam Ali said:

قُبلَةُ الوَلَدِ رَحمَةٌ وقُبلَةُ المَرأةِ شَهوَةٌ وقُبلَةُ الوالِدَينِ عِبادَةٌ وقُبلَةُ الرَّجُلِ أخاهُ دِينٌ.

“Kissing the child is mercy. Kissing the woman is desire. Kissing parents is worship, and kissing one’s believing brethren is religion.”17

Salat is of utmost importance.  No matter what happens to you, don't quit on salat.

Sister @notme thank you sister for your sweet words, God bless you.

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Sister Anonymous_iraqi! Where is your sister? She probably did all the things she did because of this environment. Where does she live? Is it possible for you to go live with her? I hope things get easier for you. I have heard some scary things about shelter homes. There are some shelters for Muslim women.

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5 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

Sister Anonymous_iraqi! Where is your sister? She probably did all the things she did because of this environment. Where does she live? Is it possible for you to go live with her? I hope things get easier for you. I have heard some scary things about shelter homes. There are some shelters for Muslim women.

Well my sisters case is a difficult and long story. IDK where she is,  haven't seen her in years, I wouldnt want to live with her anyways she did alot of harm to me and my family. Ive nothing against her despite my family fully believing shes a [Edited Out], everyone makes mistakes.. last time I heard she was messing around with random men in the streets...Allah knows...the Islamic lifestyle isnt for her hence why she left islam (im sure as a result of the family claiming she was a [Edited Out] after her mistakes, this im sure greatly affected her cuz my parents did used to always call her a [Edited Out] and [Edited Out] when she was younger.. I guess she felt like there was no hope and maybe she felt she wasnt good enough Idk Allah knows) she wants nothing to do with our family either. Anyways thats a different topic dont worry about that. To each their own. But I appreciate your concern.

6 hours ago, Laayla said:
Shahir Ramadhan mubarak to you.  No worries, sister.  I won't give you my falliable opinion.  Here is ahadith from infalliable Imams.

Imam Ja’far as-Sadiq (a.s.) said,

“Allah will not accept the Salāt of the person who stares angrily at his parents. Even though they (parents) may be unjust.”

Imam Ali said:

قُبلَةُ الوَلَدِ رَحمَةٌ وقُبلَةُ المَرأةِ شَهوَةٌ وقُبلَةُ الوالِدَينِ عِبادَةٌ وقُبلَةُ الرَّجُلِ أخاهُ دِينٌ.

“Kissing the child is mercy. Kissing the woman is desire. Kissing parents is worship, and kissing one’s believing brethren is religion.”17

Salat is of utmost importance.  No matter what happens to you, don't quit on salat.

Sister @notme thank you sister for your sweet words, God bless you.

Habibti I appreciate your quotes..really I do. What your indirectly saying is I should continue being subservient and perhaps its my fault for being mad at this sort of treatment. Honestly what else can I say, your maybe not understanding the situation or maybe thats just how your mentality is. As I said before I appreciate your advice, but its not really good. 

And you are right about the salat part, I will attempt to pray 5 times a day.

Quick side note- good quotes tho :) 

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14 hours ago, Guest Anonymous_Iraqi said:

Well my sisters case is a difficult and long story. IDK where she is,  haven't seen her in years, I wouldnt want to live with her anyways she did alot of harm to me and my family. Ive nothing against her despite my family fully believing shes a [Edited Out], everyone makes mistakes.. last time I heard she was messing around with random men in the streets...Allah knows...the Islamic lifestyle isnt for her hence why she left islam (im sure as a result of the family claiming she was a [Edited Out] after her mistakes, this im sure greatly affected her cuz my parents did used to always call her a [Edited Out] and [Edited Out] when she was younger.. I guess she felt like there was no hope and maybe she felt she wasnt good enough Idk Allah knows) she wants nothing to do with our family either. Anyways thats a different topic dont worry about that. To each their own. But I appreciate your concern

I think it will be better if you don't move out until you complete your undergrad. You will be able to get a better job after undergrad. It is possible to study while working ( like notme suggested) but it's very hard and it may take you longer to complete your education. I will suggest that you save some money and go for ziyarat either to Iran or Saudi Arab. It will make your life better for several months. 

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On 5/26/2017 at 11:23 PM, Bazzi_ said:

-___-

Ahem.......Soon to be graduate from Wayne State majoring in Political Science.

Why the rough stance on P.S majors? I think its a fantastic program and a great stepping stone for someone looking to get into the public sector, or even federal law enforcement (1811's now desire these degree's, especially ones with a concentration on world politics). I'm only using it to get into Wsu's law program, but even so, I've heard that roughly a third of Poly-sci students enter the business field, namely finance. Not sure how that works, but its out there.

In the end, it tops out better than most LAS degrees......your degree is really what you make of it. Having connections also helps.

An example, my history teacher back in junior high pursued a history degree, It landed him jobs teaching, you guessed it, history, at DPS schools.

My fathers cousin has a history degree, he owns 12 taco bells.

Salam, 

The economy is good right now, so it is pretty easy to find a job with almost any degree. That will definitely change, maybe tommorow(especially because of the antics of our current president) , maybe in a few years. Many brothers and sisters in college now have no memory of 2008-2009, much less 2001-2002, etc, and the downturns that came before that. These 'downturns' are getting more frequent, worse, and last longer than they used to ( There is a theory behind this, but this is outside the subject for this thread)

The next downturn / collapse is a few years away, and will probably be blamed on the trillions of dollars of student loan debt being held by various financial institutions that will become worthless as an asset once the economy starts to slip and millions of people start not paying their student loans. 

That will start a chain reaction, similar to what happened in 2008. Then every company, including the public sector, will start looking at their employee rosters and trying to find the 'non essential' employees and vendors that they can get rid of. If your work is not something the company or institution needs to survive till the next quarter, there is a high likelyhood you will lose your job. Then you will have to go out and find another job in a job market where noone is hiring except for 'critical' positions. Good luck with that.  If you don't think it will happen, wait a few years, or you could take a proactive step now and try to find a major with a clear path to a job that is 'critical' to the company you work for, whether that is in the public or private sector. That is my advice. 

BTW, you don't need a college degree to own a Taco Bell or 12. You only need access to a large amounts of capital and a basic 8th grade education. For access to capital, you either need rich parents or government connections (these two usually go together). 

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On 5/29/2017 at 8:06 AM, Abu Hadi said:

If your work is not something the company or institution needs to survive till the next quarter, there is a high likelyhood you will lose your job.

There is no job security for any career. I opted for a safe degree. The world always needs civil engineers, right? Yet I found myself unemployed for years when construction bottomed out. May as well do the work you love, don't be like me and settle for safety. Safety is an illusion. 

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On 5/29/2017 at 8:06 AM, Abu Hadi said:

BTW, you don't need a college degree to own a Taco Bell or 12. You only need access to a large amounts of capital and a basic 8th grade education. For access to capital, you either need rich parents or government connections (these two usually go together). 

1. Wasn't the point I was trying to make

2. I agree with you...... to an extent

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

How are you sister?  How is the monh of ramadhan?

Insh'Allah fasting isn't bothering you.  I hope your family back in Iraq are safe and no one was hurt in Baghdad.

Just wanted to check on you.  I hope you started praying again, Insh'Allah.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

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