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ali_fatheroforphans

Love vs arranged marriages?

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Salam,

What do you personally prefer?

I think love marriages are overrated. I see as many happy couples who have found a spouse though their parents.

I prefer not to waste my energy finding a future wife when It could all go wrong. Plus we tend to be immature and don't have much experience in life to know whether the marriage will be successful or not.

I prefer to leave it to the experts(parents), who want the best for us and know what spouse will be a good one. 

Having said this, I don't imply you always have to accept the spouse your parents found for you. Like your parents should be a bit flexible.

What do you prefer?

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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49 minutes ago, Mohamed1993 said:

Could always do mutah first with the person your parents find you, that would constitute a "love" marriage I guess, with an arrangement beforehand.  

I don't know if this thing is common where you live but this is definitely common amongst khojas. We have mutah immediately after engagement, sometimes before, so the couple are saved from haram. They talk and walk and get to know each other before marriage. Islamic date? 

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1 minute ago, Lover of Ahlulbait (ams) said:

I don't know if this thing is common where you live but this is definitely common amongst khojas. We have mutah immediately after engagement, sometimes before, so the couple are saved from haram. They talk and walk and get to know each other before marriage. Islamic date? 

Yeah its so common, its weird if you don't do mutah after engagement amongst khojas.

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53 minutes ago, Mohamed1993 said:

Could always do mutah first with the person your parents find you, that would constitute a "love" marriage I guess, with an arrangement beforehand.  

As in an "engagement" phase, where you are mahram but no touch. 

Then you can go on "dates", for example to the restaurant, catch a movie, go to the park, etc. Get to know each other better, then if everything seems fine you can do the full aqd for example after 3 months.

For sure its best for the women sake to get parents involved as soon as possible in the process, its harder for a guy to be a sinister jerk when he knows his mom is watching him.

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1 hour ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

I prefer not to waste my energy finding a future wife when It could all go wrong.

It's not always like that. Sometimes you're attracted to someone and you don't need to take efforts to find her. And if your find qualifies for the qualities you want in your spouse then why not talk to parents about it (without going on date). 

Arranged love marriage.?

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@Pearl178 @Abu Hadi

Let me elaborate my point.

What I meant by an arranged marriage is, that your parents have deeply researched into the family of your future spouse. Your parents know you better than anyone else and then decide a suitable match for you. If you don't like the match then simply request a better one.

My definition of love marriage is; someone who has already formed a bond with their partner whom they wish to marry in the future. Like in this process, the parents are forced to accept the marriage since the two couples already love each other. A love marriage therefore doesn't guarantee a good relationship between two families. 

It is just that I would never want to marry someone whose family is not liked by my parents.

If love marriage fulfills the criteria I just mentioned, then I have no problem with it. 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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16 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I never understood these topics. Why would you marry someone you don't love ? 

Conversely, why would you love someone you're not married to? Seems a very risky choice. 

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Yes, it's risky, but life is inherently risky. I guess you choose which consequence would be worse. Although falling in love with someone you are not married to is not good, and would put you at risk of falling into haram, ultimately you have the choice whether to act on this desire or not. Most people who have lived a while as an adult and are social and in the community, this has happened to them at some point, and how they dealt with it shows how strong their Iman is. 

But on the other side, to marry someone which you didn't know at all, someone that was chosen for you, is a much greater risk, IMO. You have a high risk of having to spend the rest of your life with someone that you may not be able to stand to be around. This is an extremely terrible situation. I have had brothers, that's more than one or two, tell me they can't stand to be around their wife but they are staying with her because if they got divorced their parents told them that they would never speak to them again. So what do you do at that point ? I feel extremely sorry for those brothers and sisters that are in that situation and I really don't know what to tell them. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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@Abu Hadi I didn't say marry a stranger!

Who a person loves isn't a passive thing, it's a choice. You can get to know about a person, even admire them, but not love, not until you've decided to do so. I recommend if a person wants to marry they should carefully study the person's character. It's easy to lie and be fake for a limited amount of time in a controlled environment. But whether the individual brings the potential spouse to the family or the family brings the potential spouse to the individual, it's the same. If the family knows the potential spouse's character, they might be in a better position to make an assessment than an individual who is desperate for marriage. 

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On 5/16/2017 at 4:16 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

What do you personally prefer?

I think love marriages are overrated.

I think marriage today is a fairly overrated thought. Forgive me, just being honest. Mainly because the world is so materialistic now. I see Gold diggers, gold diggers everywhere. There is no spiritual connection or understanding its all about gold and lust.

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Most people don't have sufficient sabr in this day and age for a traditional arranged marriage. But getting the parents involved early is always the best option. They might also be able to cast a wider net in order to find someone suitable. 

However,  to assume that parents are experts is ridiculous and a dangerous delusion to hold. You only become an expert at something by doing it often. Not everyone is a good judge of character and mothers in law (especially in the islamic world) are notorious for judging their step daughters based on how well they treat them, rather than for how well they treat their husband.

It would be interesting to see some statics on the divorce rates between the two types of marriage. 

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On 2017-5-15 at 7:16 PM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

What do you personally prefer?

I think love marriages are overrated. I see as many happy couples who have found a spouse though their parents.

I prefer not to waste my energy finding a future wife when It could all go wrong. Plus we tend to be immature and don't have much experience in life to know whether the marriage will be successful or not.

I prefer to leave it to the experts(parents), who want the best for us and know what spouse will be a good one. 

Having said this, I don't imply you always have to accept the spouse your parents found for you. Like your parents should be a bit flexible.

What do you prefer?

I prefer what Allah has commanded. Arranged marriages as in someone helping a desperate person meeting another person is a good thing. But an arranged marriage in the sense that parents forcing their child to marry a random person against their will is forbidden. In marriage one of the biggest rights of a partner is for them to release their desires. So love marriages are most suitable for such. The partners need to properly connect and grow healthy in their Nikkah so that is my opinion. The Nikkah has to be flexible and subtle. 

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On 5/15/2017 at 6:16 PM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

we tend to be immature and don't have much experience in life 

Speak for yourself. Some people live adult, responsible lives without being taken care of by their parents. 

On 5/17/2017 at 6:13 PM, Abu Hadi said:

I never understood these topics. Why would you marry someone you don't love ? 

 

It seems there is a cultural idea that marrying without love is a good thing. 

Fortunately, Islam is not averse to love (even if many Muslims are). 

On 5/18/2017 at 6:22 PM, notme said:

@Abu Hadi 

Who a person loves isn't a passive thing, it's a choice.  

Love can be experienced as a feeling. Feelings do not occur always occur by choice. Interestingly, most people do not decide ahead of time whom they will love.  

 

On 6/5/2017 at 10:18 AM, ShiaBrother12 said:

I prefer what Allah has commanded. Arranged marriages as in someone helping a desperate person meeting another person is a good thing. But an arranged marriage in the sense that parents forcing their child to marry a random person against their will is forbidden. In marriage one of the biggest rights of a partner is for them to release their desires. So love marriages are most suitable for such. The partners need to properly connect and grow healthy in their Nikkah so that is my opinion. The Nikkah has to be flexible and subtle. 

^Very good summary. Thanks.

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Arranged marriages transform into love marriages if arranged properly. Love marriages are not real and I think Hollywood and all this fake promotion of love through western media has confused many people on what love is.

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On 6/16/2017 at 8:56 AM, HydrogenCyanide said:

d. I met my girl on the subway and we couldnt be happier

No way, that's super cool! 

I met my guy on a forum :) (not this one. Lol.) We've been together for a year, and he's half-Palestinian, Half-Filipino. 

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On 6/16/2017 at 9:47 AM, Muhajir said:

Arranged marriages transform into love marriages if arranged properly. Love marriages are not real and I think Hollywood and all this fake promotion of love through western media has confused many people on what love is.

That's where you're wrong.

See, Easterners believe that healthy love is not real, therefore they never find it. In fact, Middle Easterners believe that there's something wrong if you're not actively clashing with your spouse. 

So if you don't believe in it, how will you ever find it? 

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Just now, Islandsandmirrors said:

That's where you're wrong.

See, Easterners believe that healthy love is not real, therefore they never find it. In fact, Middle Easterners believe that there's something wrong if you're not actively clashing with your spouse. 

So if you don't believe in it, how will you ever find it? 

I do believe in love in marriage its just I dont agree with dating before marriage or talking or flirting and things like that even if one is in love with the other or vice versa or both in love. The only ok thing would be for the two to like talk here and maybe like talk on phones like once or twice to arrange the marriage but being in love and talking going out dating without parental approval or nikkah is completely haram even if the two are in love. So I do believe in love marriages but they would have to be arranged through parents or sheikhs or something.

One thing that sucks for me is I had a nikkah arranged through my sheik with my current wife who loves me and vice versa like around December last year but after we had done the nikkah she didnt want to talk to me or go out or anything for a long time and I am still waiting on her which is a sin on her part because if you have a nikkah and the couple arent interacting or going out or living together or these things are delayed excessively than its haram on the one that does it and since its a love marriage its hard for me to leave the person and I dont really have a choice except to be patient which sucks for me but the girl is stacking major sins and she doesn't realize it so this is the problem with love marriages. Did you understand my point?

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52 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

No way, that's super cool! 

I met my guy on a forum :) (not this one. Lol.) We've been together for a year, and he's half-Palestinian, Half-Filipino. 

That is pretty cool I wont lie(the subway thing)

LOl half Palestinian half filipino I have never see that mix in my life.

Edited by Muhajir

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1 hour ago, Muhajir said:

That is pretty cool I wont lie(the subway thing)

LOl half Palestinian half filipino I have never see that mix in my life.

He's my best friend, and he looks a mix of his mom and his dad. He has their best features. 

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35 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

He's my best friend, and he looks a mix of his mom and his dad. He has their best features. 

well its not all about features religious character is most important but thats good that your best friends me and my wife were friends also since college for a long time before marriage but in a halal way, I think she had skipped some grades cause she was like 16 when I was 18 and I think people who were friends before marriage would probably make the best couples mashallah. Funny thing tho is we would always get into debates and arguments at msa events and on campus between classes so it was like a love/hate friendship lol.

Edited by Muhajir

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I prefer money :P

Marriage is hard whether arranged or not. It's about compromising and reminding yourself that your spouse is human and filled with faults just like you and you gotta realize it's not about that Hollywood magic love crap, it's hard work and deciding to work on a life long spiritual project with someone. 

Doesn't matter who you marry, they will drive you crazy in some way eventually, but you still gotta be patient with them.

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