My Depression

[HumanForLife 280]

Every time I look back at my history I see myself depressed, I can't seem to remember if I was ever happy inside, I just want to remember one moment, just one moment, so I can feel it, remember it and try to experience again, I've forgotten what its like.

All I remember is my fake smiles and laughs, I try by best to distract myself with reading and extra prayers (which calms me down) but its gets overwhelming at certain times, the frustrating part is after all these years I think I know whats causing it, but I'm too scared to do anything about it, it feels like if I open the door a beast will engulf me, so I make sure it stays at the corner of my mind, oppressed. 

I'm at very very very low point right now, I have never let any of this out before, I heard writing things out would help, it doesn't seem like it's working, maybe that kind of thing is meant for when the mind is cluttered.

I can overcome this, but i'm to scared to overcome it, so it seems I have chosen to stay depressed, there's also the chance I'm wrong about the root cause so there's that too.

Goodnight everyone, my apologies for posting this type of post.

[Reza 11,142]

Brother, hang in there. We're all here for you. 

[Soldiers and Saffron 6,749]

I am sorry to hear of your situation brother, I will make duas for you inshaAllah!

[ShiaMan14 7,153]

Salaam brother,

Praying for you. If you can't think of a time when you were happy, perhaps you can think of a time when you made someone else happy. You should rejoice in that.

We are here for you.