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My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

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I am sorry to hear this. It's a very difficult situation to be in and I know you must be hurting but with our parents we do not have a choice.We can't leave them nor can we yell back at them.

Next time try saying 'Mum, I will try to do better'. It will stop the things from escalating.

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She is wrong and you know it, and you are right that you don't deserve to be mistreated. She probably was raised the same way and thinks it's normal.  

Try to bear it with patience and as soon as you are able, move out into your own home. 

Meanwhile, just try to forgive her, and remember how you feel when she acts this way, so that you will never pass this abuse on to your own children, inshaAllah. 

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

It's normal and every mother does that and it's true we kids are incompetent. 

Sorry @Islandsandmirrors you shouldn't talk against your mom she is the only one who is going to treat you while you get sick.

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Just now, Sindbad05 said:

It's normal and every mother does that and it's true we kids are incompetent. 

No, it's not normal and I don't treat my children this way. It might be "normal" in some cultures, but it's an illness. 

We Muslims are to treat others the way we would like to be treated. 

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Just now, notme said:

No, it's not normal and I don't treat my children this way. It might be "normal" in some cultures, but it's an illness. 

We Muslims are to treat others the way we would like to be treated. 

@notme if there are some wrongs, often parents refute it by saying that their children are kids.  So, we can't argue and it's very unjust that we treat our parents harshly and inhumanly and complain to others. When they don't listen,  we should be patient. I tell @Islandsandmirrors that no one loves you more than your mother. So, do not forget that ok. If she get angry, you should go and say sorry. 

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1 minute ago, Sindbad05 said:

@notme if there are some wrongs, often parents refute it by saying that their children are kids.  So, we can't argue and it's very unjust that we treat our parents harshly and inhumanly and complain to others. When they don't listen,  we should be patient. I tell @Islandsandmirrors that no one loves you more than your mother. So, do not forget that ok. If she get angry, you should go and say sorry. 

It would be unjust to treat our parents harshly, that's why I said bear it with patience and try to forgive her.

It doesn't excuse the mother's behavior.

As for complaining, the relative anonymity of shiachat allows some level of venting frustrations. We're here to support and uplift each other. 

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25 minutes ago, notme said:

No, it's not normal and I don't treat my children this way. It might be "normal" in some cultures, but it's an illness. 

We Muslims are to treat others the way we would like to be treated. 

I agree, it's a sick and ill culture. I have experienced this from the sub-continent culture, which to be honest i hate. 

Remember people, didn't Rasool-Allah s.a.w.w. get up every time his daughter came into the room, and told her to sit where he was sitting. The love and affection was amazing between the prophet and his family.

I don't know where this backward sickness came from. But as @notme advised you have to be patient, bear with it, try and say nice words, perhaps give her a book about family in islam, or even a lecture on youtube about how the prophet treated his family. 

Edited by YAli

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10 minutes ago, notme said:

It would be unjust to treat our parents harshly, that's why I said bear it with patience and try to forgive her.

It doesn't excuse the mother's behavior.

As for complaining, the relative anonymity of shiachat allows some level of venting frustrations. We're here to support and uplift each other. 

Yeah, I did that too but when I got so much ill, I did not find any friend of mine when I was horrible but my Mom sitting beside me in the state where my brothers and sisters were afraid of me. 

I won't recommend her to speak about your mother to anonymous for I regretted and want for her not to regret. 

If you speak to your mother and make her your friend and talk to her lovely sentences you will feel easy and satisfied instead of making her angry and yourself disturbed. 

It is better that one should hear harsh words of Mom then beautiful words from others about whom you are not sure that they will be there to help you or not. But Mom will be there so increase her life span by making her happy instead of reducing her life due to stresses.

I don't think I be liked by what I am saying but that is how it seems to me.

Edited by Sindbad05

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If it's any consolation, almost everyone goes through this at some point. Deal with it with patience and forbearance. Try not to talk back but have a discussion with your parent after the initial anger has cooled. That way you would be better poised to reason with her than when you're hurt and angry. Make it absolutely clear that you're no longer a young kid to be shouted at and insulted. I hope they will understand, inshallah.

This is not given due attention, but sometimes there is simply a personality clash that plays out in different ways. Our way of doing things is often at variance with our parents' way of doing the same things, which is perhaps the biggest reason for this kind of domestic conflict. Parents find it difficult to adjust to their children's adulthood independence when it's new, especially old school Eastern parents, who were themselves brought up with the idea that "a kid always remains a kid to their parents however old s/he gets."

@notme treating parents like demigods is embedded in the culture of Islam. A look at the rights of parents and the extent to which we are enjoined to please them shows that most adjustments are to be made by the offspring. In any parent-child conflict it is assumed that the parent is right because "they know better" (they may or may not) and the child is asked to accommodate them. Not complaining, just stating. 

 

Edited by Marbles

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2 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

I tell @Islandsandmirrors that no one loves you more than your mother. So, do not forget that ok. If she get angry, you should go and say sorry. 

True,but you forget that children are a responsibility from Allah and should be treated with dignity and respect, not with insults and taking frustrations out on. Allah could take away the children of such parents from them if He so wished, and we will probably be asked about how we treated our children on Qiyamah.

Islam doesn't allow people to abuse or provoke their children, besides which I know Islands pretty well and I don't think she is naturally unjust and I doubt she would be unjust to either parent. Yes,what she did was wrong but what her mother said is even worse.

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2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

True,but you forget that children are a responsibility from Allah and should be treated with dignity and respect, not with insults and taking frustrations out on. Allah could take away the children of such parents from them if He so wished, and we will probably be asked about how we treated our children on Qiyamah.

Islam doesn't allow people to abuse or provoke their children, besides which I know Islands pretty well and I don't think she is naturally unjust and I doubt she would be unjust to either parent. Yes,what she did was wrong but what her mother said is even worse.

Exactly, so be better parents for your children even better than your parents. The best way is to get better not opposing your parents although they should be opposed where they are wrong but in good way.

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7 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

It is better that one should hear harsh words of Mom then beautiful words from others about whom you are not sure that they will be there to help you or not. But Mom will be there so increase her life span by making her happy instead of reducing her life due to stresses.

No, it is better for a daughter to listen to the beautiful wisdom of her mother versus a mother who makes her stressed out with incessant nagging and upsets her so that she will snap and say that she will regret or can't take back. This is where Islands' mom was wrong. Parents ought to guide us, not infantile or control us.

We are the future, our parents are the past. Our children are the future and we are the past. We are not masters of the future, nor can we control the future; Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì is and He controls, knows and sees everything.

Do you see where I am coming from?

@Islandsandmirrors I would consider moving out while still being on respectful terms with your Mom.

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1 minute ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No, it is better for a daughter to listen to the beautiful wisdom of her mother versus a mother who makes her stressed out with incessant nagging and upsets her so that she will snap and say that she will regret or can't take back. This is where Islands' mom was wrong. Parents ought to guide us, not infantile or control us.

We are the future, our parents are the past. Our children are the future and we are the past. We are not masters of the future, nor can we control the future; Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì is and He controls, knows and sees everything.

Do you see where I am coming from?

@Islandsandmirrors I would consider moving out while still being on respectful terms with your Mom.

What a bad advice GC honestly. Where will she find a better friend than her mother who loves her sincerely not for any want from her but respect.  @Islandsandmirrors if you leave your parents leave them happily after you get married not by disobeying them.

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57 minutes ago, YAli said:

I agree, it's a sick and ill culture. I have experienced this from the sub-continent culture, which to be honest i hate. 

I don't know where this backward sickness came from. But as @notme advised you have to be patient, bear with it, try and say nice words, perhaps give her a book about family in islam, or even a lecture on youtube about how the prophet treated his family. 

I'm curious - why is it that when something like this happen, everyone is so quick to blame "culture," as though this one label explains everything untoward that happens in people's lives, as though people don't act as individuals out of their own personal faults and failures?

I don't see "culture" getting the first bullet whenever a drunken Anglo dad belts his daughter and slaps his son around, or a mother who abandons her children to seek out her own "happiness" with a new man she has come to fancy, or parents who don't know what their 13 year olds are up to when they stay out late, or any other dozens of scenarios that play out in a Western society. Instead, all I hear is that they are negligent parents, uncaring and heartless, just bad people. I don't see "culture" being used as an all-purpose punching bag. 

Sure, cultural attitudes do play a part in how people associate and behave in society, but what if someone's parent is not meeting their parental obligations as they are supposed to, trampling on the rights of children, being nasty to them, and not caring a thing about children's feelings? Which culture would you lay the blame on?

 

Edited by Marbles
typo

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19 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

What a bad advice GC honestly. Where will she find a better friend than her mother who loves her sincerely not for any want from her but respect.  

How is that bad advice? She can move out for her well being but stay close to her parents, just because someone moves out doesn't mean that they will never see their parents ever again.

Speaking of bad advice, our parents are our parents, they are not meant to be a friend to their children. That's why everything is messed up in the United States, because parents stopped being parents and decided to be their children's "friends" instead.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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I somewhat agree with @Sindbad05 though not completely. I know some people who have been through this and worse actually. I know a guy his mom called him a loser. One guy has a stepdad who uses some of the most fowl Arabic language on him cursing him under his breathe. It's sad he was bad at speaking Arabic but knew Arabic cuss words like he was born and raised in the Middle East. He slapped him across the face for not fixing his damn bed! And also hit him other times before that unfortunately and he was a kid. 

So I have seen and heard of a lot of bad cases. However I would say for @Islandsandmirrors see why your mother was mad. If it's about dishes do them as soon as she tells you. If it's not in your control then maybe I don't know your situation completely but if it's the case that she sees you a lot maybe stay out of her way for a while and let things cool down if that's your situation if you don't see her often maybe that's the problem. 

All for the record I think @notme and others who raise their kids with manners are great parents and parents should try to raise their kids Islamically but sadly that is not the case for many people don't raise their kids with the recommendations of our maraji and ulema but with what they think is right or culture. 

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4 minutes ago, Marbles said:

I don't see "culture" getting the first bullet whenever a drunken Anglo dad belts his daughter and slaps his son around, or a mother who abandons her children to seek out her own "happiness" with a new man she has come to fancy, or parents who don't know what their 13 year olds are up to when they stay out late, or any other dozens of scenarios that play out in a Western society. Instead, all I hear is that they are negligent parents, uncaring and heartless, just bad people. I don't see "culture" being used as an all-purpose punching bag. 

It's culture if the society accepts the behavior as normal.

There are plenty of unacceptable things that are accepted in "western" cultures, but only in very few subcultures is it acceptable to abuse children or spouse. It happens, but it's not seen as normal. 

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2 minutes ago, notme said:

It's culture if the society accepts the behavior as normal.

There are plenty of unacceptable things that are accepted in "western" cultures, but only in very few subcultures is it acceptable to abuse children or spouse. It happens, but it's not seen as normal. 

I don't think verbal or physical abuse is considered normal in any culture, at least not in those being discussed in this thread, but I don't know of a culture or a sub-culture or even family culture where children, including young adults, don't get a mouthful from their parents every now and then. There are as many reasons for that as there are guesses. Cultural attitudes is one reason, but not the sole or main reason when something like this happens. Yet it assumed to be the first and often the only reason and singled out as such. Sometimes I think old school Orientalism is so entrenched into thinking that people can't recognise it anymore.

IMO a complete absence of friction would indicate indifference or a lack of bond, or total independence aka having totally separate lives, which is often not the case.

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2 hours ago, Marbles said:

treating parents like demigods is embedded in the culture of Islam. A look at the rights of parents and the extent to which we are enjoined to please them shows that most adjustments are to be made by the offspring. 

True.

2 hours ago, Marbles said:

In any parent-child conflict it is assumed that the parent is right because "they know better" (they may or may not) and the child is asked to accommodate them.

And while children should suffer to please the Lord, parents are also in sin if they abuse their children. It is not as if Islam gives parents open slather to treat their children just as they wished.

Come judgment day they will have to answer for the way they mistreated their children.

But apart from God and the Afterlife, I think society should do something about putting a halter around the parent's neck.

Otherwise we are just creating more dysfunctional children who will be misfits in society and will grow up to be dysfunctional parents themselves.

2 hours ago, Marbles said:

Not complaining, just stating. 

You would be quite justified even if you were complaining. We live in a world where might is right. That is all there is to it.

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I know that in my own culture, there is an expectation that children should actively seek out to serve the parents, i.e they are expected to sit with their parents and do favours for them, without the parent asking for anything. The parents feel that they don't need to ask for help, that children should have the inner instinct to serve them. When the children are not actively doing that, the parents become angry, and make the children feel guilty for not asking to help. The problem here is that not all children are mind readers, and those that grow up in the West are not necessarily taught to be servile towards their parents. Almost all diaspora parents will be disappointed in their kids due to this stark cultural and generational clash. I try to go in between, I try to politely and nicely explain to my parents what they are doing wrong (not during an argument, but on a separate, calm occasion), and I try to sit with them everyday and do little things around the house for them. Maybe more would be expected from me if I were a girl, but we have no sisters in the house, and so all of the house tasks are divided among the boys.

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