Jump to content

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

16 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My dad is always at work. My sister is sometimes in the house when the verbal abuse happens. 

The abuse happens several times a week, sometimes every other day. (Usually, I'm called "useless" and a "loser".)

Our house is immaculate all the time, and it's exhausting when things are not perfect right then. Btw, my sister doesn't get treated like this. It's just me. Although she's as messy as I am, I'm always the one doing chores in the house. When I ask her why it's only me that does the work, my mother says, "it's because you're older than your sister." Or "You're not as quick in cleaning the house as your sister." My sister doesn't do jack squat in the house. Ever. Never does the dishes, never cooks, cleans the rooms, (except her own once in a blue moon.) etc. 

my mother likes everything to be in its place, perfectly organized and everything must be color coordinationed. When I do what she says, she's happy (although always complains.) but when I don't do something right away without question, she explodes and insults me. Her behavior doesn't make me want to do any housework, or even spend time with her, and then she complains non stop that I don't spend time with her.

She does try to threaten me by saying, "Don't you dare tell anyone about our problems because I don't want people to know about our lives." When things go wrong, but I ignore this. I'm allowed to express my frustration about my family and to have an outlet. 

She can perfectly do chores around the house, but she starts complaining that she's the "slave" (she never does any work now. She's always on her phone or watching TV.) if she has to wash the dishes instead of me.

when she doesn't have anything in regards to housework to complain about, she complains about my appearance, saying that I'm too skinny, (I'm at a healthy weight for my height, although on the thinner side) that I'm unattractive. She says that guys like curves now, and when I was fat, she said that I will never find love and that if I do land a guy, if I continued to gain weight, he will cheat on me with someone hotter (srsly she said that) that I have an ugly, long "horse face" and tells me to "not try to make myself pretty with makeup." Because she "sees right through it" 

And for years she complained about my walking (I have CP) and said that "when people look at you from afar, they see a fairly attractive person, but they look at your walking and don't even want to come near you."

when I was severely bullied because of my walking as a child she said recently, "Kids used to bully you, didn't that make you want to change and JUST TRY to walk better? Didn't you learn?"

I see some beautiful things said by your Mom for you.

1. She says don't apply makeup becoz you look ugly, here she is trying to protect you from evil eyes because it is not good for girls to walk by applying makeup so that people may look at her. For girls it's good.

2. She admires you in the sentence that when you are looked from far you look nice but your walking destroys your personality so try to correct it before anyone notices from outside. She admitted you look great.

3. She watches TV and do not do work often becoz she is training you for upcoming life where you slight laziness will be counted as uselessness. When you get married, off course, your mother have to do all work.

I hope no one thinks me that I am paid by "Saving MOMs" NGO. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

I see some beautiful things said by your Mom for you.

1. She says don't apply makeup becoz you look ugly, here she is trying to protect you from evil eyes because it is not good for girls to walk by applying makeup so that people may look at her. For girls it's good.

2. She admires you in the sentence that when you are looked from far you look nice but your walking destroys your personality so try to correct it before anyone notices from outside. She admitted you look great.

3. She watches TV and do not do work often becoz she is training you for upcoming life where you slight laziness will be counted as uselessness. When you get married, off course, your mother have to do all work.

I hope no one thinks me that I am paid by "Saving MOMs" NGO. :D

No, I think you just have no idea how messed up and unacceptable this really is.

1. It has nothing with wearing makeup, although I agree with you that women should wear less makeup. The mother is simply feeling insecure about herself, and she is being more immature than her own daughter in this instance .

2. The OP is lucky enough to be walking, her mother should crying tears of joy and saying duas of countless thanks instead of criticizing the way she walks. It could have been so much worse, brother.

3. At least she is making an effort to please her mother by doing the chores, her mother should be happy with her and upset with her sister instead but she's being too immature and irrational to understand this. 

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No, I think you just have no idea how messed up and unacceptable this really is.

1. It has nothing with wearing makeup, although I agree with you that women should wear less makeup. The mother is simply feeling insecure about herself, and she is being more immature than her own daughter in this instance .

2. The OP is lucky enough to be walking, her mother should crying tears of joy and saying duas of countless thanks instead of criticizing the way she walks. It could have been so much worse, brother.

3. At least she is making an effort to please her mother by doing the chores, her mother should be happy with her and upset with her sister instead but she's being too immature and irrational to understand this. 

@Islandsandmirrors can you give me your Mom's number so that I may ask her if she is really unthankful to God, really I didn't knew what CP was and remembered lately that it is some type of disease right. 

But if you really be patient and ask Allah AWJ that please help me to get out of disappointments and help me though a helper and friend, I am sure that Allah will help you and make your Mom good. This is dua of Hazrat Talut a.s 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Sindbad05 I will explain CP, it's not a disease but a neurological disorder affecting motor control and muscle tone, usually caused by a brain injury. I have it too, it's not her fault that she walks awkwardly according to her mother.

And I don't think asking for people's phone numbers on a public forum is a wise thing to do either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

@Sindbad05 I will explain CP, it's not a disease but a neurological disorder affecting motor control and muscle tone, usually caused by a brain injury. I have it too, it's not her fault that she walks awkwardly according to her mother.

And I don't think asking for people's phone numbers on a public forum is a wise thing to do either.

I am not wise, I am crazy. Therefore, I go out since I can't help in anyway anyone. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Islandsandmirrors,

Sounds like your family is Arabic lol :grin: Don't think much of it. That's how parents usually are, especially mothers. My mom is kinda like that too, sometimes but that's ok because she is my mother. Middle eastern and/or Muslim moms usually want the best for their daughters, they want us to be like them growing up back home. Usually Muslim girls who grow up in the west are kinda lazy, selfish, careless, reckless, and sometimes insolent. Your mom wants you to be better than that. Keep in mind that moms are always the first in our lives to see all that is at fault in us. They see what even our best friends, lovers, sisters, & husbands don't see. So please have a patience with your mom and try not to anger her or bring up her wrath. See whatever it is angers her and avoid it completely. Try to always please her & help her whenever you can. Also be caring for her, make it a habit to often ask her what you can do to make it easier for her. 

Salam!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/5/2017 at 0:21 PM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No, I think you just have no idea how messed up and unacceptable this really is.

2. The OP is lucky enough to be walking, her mother should crying tears of joy and saying duas of countless thanks instead of criticizing the way she walks. It could have been so much worse, brother.

Oh Islandsandmirrors, I'm really sorry to hear that! I hadn't read the entire thread carefully so please forgive me if my post sounds like blaming you. I do agree with Gaius this is a absolutely unacceptable for your mom to berate you on something not of your fault.  It's really horrible for her to do that. She should understand that you are doing your best as you can even with your condition and thank Allah swt that you are still able to be on your two feet today. Have you tried to speak to your mom about how this is offensive and cruel to you? She should hear this from you and you have every right to let her know it is haraam and morally wrong! Have you spoken to your dad'? Maybe he can have a talk with her & tell her to be ashamed of herself. 

I know what that feels like having a something beyond your control. But you should never have to suffer from humans because of it.

Wa Salaam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

my mother is very same, im 22 and my mother hates me as the sister island described is the same scenario with me can anyone recommend me any dua so my mother loves me

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 minutes ago, 8bulb said:

my mother is very same, im 22 and my mother hates me as the sister island described is the same scenario with me can anyone recommend me any dua so my mother loves me

Do you love your mother ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am sorry to hear that. After discussing tbe same issue with other knowledgeable people we have come to the conclusion that our parents are of a different generation and have their own traditional ways of thinking and communicating. Best thing to do I think is keep your distant as much as possible, maybe move out for a while. Maybe talk to somebody who understands you and them both and make that person communicate with them on your behalf such as a relative or relationshop coach. It certainly works for me. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/4/2017 at 11:17 AM, Islandsandmirrors said:

my mother likes everything to be in its place, perfectly organized and everything must be color coordinationed. When I do what she says, she's happy (although always complains.) but when I don't do something right away without question, she explodes and insults me. Her behavior doesn't make me want to do any housework, or even spend time with her, and then she complains non stop that I don't spend time with her.

Your mother probabely suffers from ocd. Those who suffer from this type of ocd, feel nervous or even terrified in a messy environment. So when she insults you, she is not her true self.

I myself like everything to be in its own place and organized. However, I believe that a mentally healthy mother doesnt call her daughter a "loser" or "ugly" or "useless". Your mother really needs to see a psychologist or maybe a psychiatrist, as well; both for her mental problems and her misbehaviour.

You also, instead of answering her back, go to your room and cry in silence and don’t say anything. Then after some minutes or 1 hour, her conscience will tell her: "look! You broke her heart! Go and apologize her!".

But if you answer back, her conscience will tell her: "look! How rude she is! She must come and apologize you!"...This is the nature of humans!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, 8bulb said:

my mother is very same, im 22 and my mother hates me as the sister island described is the same scenario with me can anyone recommend me any dua so my mother loves me

Salam,

Read any type dua (minimum a salawat) on behalf of your mother, and ask for syafaat of Rasul and Ahlul Bayt for her.  Ask more duas for her then your own self.  As if your mother is your own self.  

One of this day you will fully understand your mother, when the secret of your mother is revealed to you because you and your mother become one.

With that understanding you likely will know how to overcome your issues.  You will know how to make your mother happy and your mother will understand your more.

Most daughters want to have their own way life style and not the same like their mother because of age differences.  But, it will be good to understand how mother think of yourself.  No  mothers (unless they are insane) want bad things to their daughters... only the delivery methods by the mothers to daughters may not suiting to daughters.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/2/2017 at 8:55 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

There is a danger you will develop a mental disorder, most probably borderline personality disorder or something along those lines. You need to attend therapy because one way or the other you will start exhibiting Post-Traumatic Stress disorder much much later on in life and this will impact on your own family you have created. Emotional wounds are dangerous especially from parents. They have a stubbornly long term effect that just refuses to go away.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 hours ago, Gabenowa said:

There is a danger you will develop a mental disorder, most probably borderline personality disorder or something along those lines. You need to attend therapy because one way or the other you will start exhibiting Post-Traumatic Stress disorder much much later on in life and this will impact on your own family you have created. Emotional wounds are dangerous especially from parents. They have a stubbornly long term effect that just refuses to go away.

I already have been attending therapy for many years. 

This thread was from a while back, and since I’ve gotten married, my relationship with my mother has become much better. I think she controls her behavior in front of my husband and puts on a good face. 

Regardless, I appreciate your concern. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I already have been attending therapy for many years. 

This thread was from a while back, and since I’ve gotten married, my relationship with my mother has become much better. I think she controls her behavior in front of my husband and puts on a good face. 

Regardless, I appreciate your concern. 

Salaam, can you tell me if therapy has helped you or not? I have people who tell me that it isn't good for a depressed person, as they don't like the idea of sharing everything to a stranger, and they say only your parents can ever understand you in this world. What do you think?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, Husayni said:

Salaam, can you tell me if therapy has helped you or not? I have people who tell me that it isn't good for a depressed person, as they don't like the idea of sharing everything to a stranger, and they say only your parents can ever understand you in this world. What do you think?

I am studying Psychology and in my opinion therapy works best when the psychiatrist can create an open exchange of trust between them and the patient. It is not easy. Simple things such as where and how a therapist sits or stands and so on can have a huge impact on the patient. It is to do with Interpersonal Communication skills of knowing how to exchange information through body language, voice and so on. That's why often people who are cured under a therapist sometimes do not realise they were being performed on thinking it was just a social exchange. For that reason it is also better to seek trustworthy people you know such as family members or close friends who you trust to act like your therapist or find a good reputable therapist. If you feel your privacy was breached under somebody to whom you told your secrets then of course that can leave a person feeling sad and miserable.

Edited by Murtaza1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Husayni said:

Salaam, can you tell me if therapy has helped you or not? I have people who tell me that it isn't good for a depressed person, as they don't like the idea of sharing everything to a stranger, and they say only your parents can ever understand you in this world. What do you think?

Salam, My parents have never fully understood me. Therapy has helped me a ton. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×