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4 minutes ago, Marbles said:

I don't see "culture" getting the first bullet whenever a drunken Anglo dad belts his daughter and slaps his son around, or a mother who abandons her children to seek out her own "happiness" with a new man she has come to fancy, or parents who don't know what their 13 year olds are up to when they stay out late, or any other dozens of scenarios that play out in a Western society. Instead, all I hear is that they are negligent parents, uncaring and heartless, just bad people. I don't see "culture" being used as an all-purpose punching bag. 

It's culture if the society accepts the behavior as normal.

There are plenty of unacceptable things that are accepted in "western" cultures, but only in very few subcultures is it acceptable to abuse children or spouse. It happens, but it's not seen as normal. 

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2 minutes ago, notme said:

It's culture if the society accepts the behavior as normal.

There are plenty of unacceptable things that are accepted in "western" cultures, but only in very few subcultures is it acceptable to abuse children or spouse. It happens, but it's not seen as normal. 

I don't think verbal or physical abuse is considered normal in any culture, at least not in those being discussed in this thread, but I don't know of a culture or a sub-culture or even family culture where children, including young adults, don't get a mouthful from their parents every now and then. There are as many reasons for that as there are guesses. Cultural attitudes is one reason, but not the sole or main reason when something like this happens. Yet it assumed to be the first and often the only reason and singled out as such. Sometimes I think old school Orientalism is so entrenched into thinking that people can't recognise it anymore.

IMO a complete absence of friction would indicate indifference or a lack of bond, or total independence aka having totally separate lives, which is often not the case.

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2 hours ago, Marbles said:

treating parents like demigods is embedded in the culture of Islam. A look at the rights of parents and the extent to which we are enjoined to please them shows that most adjustments are to be made by the offspring. 

True.

2 hours ago, Marbles said:

In any parent-child conflict it is assumed that the parent is right because "they know better" (they may or may not) and the child is asked to accommodate them.

And while children should suffer to please the Lord, parents are also in sin if they abuse their children. It is not as if Islam gives parents open slather to treat their children just as they wished.

Come judgment day they will have to answer for the way they mistreated their children.

But apart from God and the Afterlife, I think society should do something about putting a halter around the parent's neck.

Otherwise we are just creating more dysfunctional children who will be misfits in society and will grow up to be dysfunctional parents themselves.

2 hours ago, Marbles said:

Not complaining, just stating. 

You would be quite justified even if you were complaining. We live in a world where might is right. That is all there is to it.

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I know that in my own culture, there is an expectation that children should actively seek out to serve the parents, i.e they are expected to sit with their parents and do favours for them, without the parent asking for anything. The parents feel that they don't need to ask for help, that children should have the inner instinct to serve them. When the children are not actively doing that, the parents become angry, and make the children feel guilty for not asking to help. The problem here is that not all children are mind readers, and those that grow up in the West are not necessarily taught to be servile towards their parents. Almost all diaspora parents will be disappointed in their kids due to this stark cultural and generational clash. I try to go in between, I try to politely and nicely explain to my parents what they are doing wrong (not during an argument, but on a separate, calm occasion), and I try to sit with them everyday and do little things around the house for them. Maybe more would be expected from me if I were a girl, but we have no sisters in the house, and so all of the house tasks are divided among the boys.

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3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

I can also relate majorly in times. You just have to try to be patient and over time they will stop. I'm making dua's for both of us insha'Allah our Rab sawt will help!

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3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

You stated your mother was dealing with her " frustrations". I think I'd start there and try not to internalize this ( difficult when you are living there, I know....I had a problematic mother, too). These issues are hers,not caused by you. No, you do not deserve to be treated like that. But you're there and " available ". Your mom ,it seems, is having trouble dealing with her own baggage. Again, not caused by you. Some people are not taught ways to handle things without externalizing onto others. I think that might be due to low self-esteem in many cases. Unfortunately,it can create the same condition in those they  choose to " dump onto".

I agree with @notme and others here...it's okay to try to figure out a way to set reasonable boundaries with her and even move out when it's possible. But understanding about my own mom's background and condition helped me " forgive" her and not internalize her negativity. I won't say it didn't leave scars and boundaries didn't have to be set,but I didn't believe her assessments of me. Sounds like you understand this dynamic, too.

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4 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth."

It is true that she is your mother, but that doesnt mean that she has the right to use vulgar language at you whenever she wants.

Islam teaches us to respect those older than us, and it also teaches us to be kind to those younger than us.         Your mother must be informed of this.

Wasalam

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Really, not all parents are alike ok. Do not mix up things. Bad parents and good parents are different @Al Hadi you mentioned the one who slapped his step son so the thing boy need to do is get separated in that case. 

But for @Islandsandmirrors, the case is different. Her mother called her just because she ignores her mother's orders and my Mom does the same. So, every mother has to criticise her children for being lazy and not listening to parents. Imagine your mother is alone in her home she has no mother there to tell her yet she does dozens of works for you and your siblings and husband while we are either peeping into Internet or useless stuff often  and when she says help me we neglect and she has to suffer. Have Mercy on your parents 

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6 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

ignores her mother's orders and my Mom does

Um, why make blatent assumptions? 

I was already helping out, like I usually do because actually like doing the housework sometimes instead of having nothing to do/being on my phone, but she has a habit of complaining and belittling me even when I'm in the process of doing what she asked me to do. It's her way of venting. 

She doesn't call me just lazy. Lazy I can understand. It's the insults and degrading remarks I hate: you're a loser, you'll do nothing in your life, you're going to end up living like this and that, you're stupid and useless, you're too skinny I can't even look at you, you have an ugly face, etc.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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33 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Um, why make blatent assumptions? 

I was already helping out, like I usually do because actually like doing the housework sometimes instead of having nothing to do/being on my phone, but she has a habit of complaining and belittling me even when I'm in the process of doing what she asked me to do. It's her way of venting. 

She doesn't call me just lazy. Lazy I can understand. It's the insults and degrading remarks I hate: you're a loser, you'll do nothing in your life, you're going to end up living like this and that, you're stupid and useless, you're too skinny I can't even look at you, you have an ugly face, etc.

If she is like that then be patient really, I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children because in busy life often little negligence makes us very angry because in that age, every person wants quick action and full understanding of things in one sentence. Really you have no knowledge, How it feels to get old. But as per my observation, mature people in mature age says that even no one should ask me again what I told him previously because they are so much busy. 

 

Edited by Sindbad05

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That sounds really frustrating. It's absolutely not okay for a mother to make derogatory remarks, even if her daughter is wrong. There is an abundance of ways she can get her point across without sounding rude or aggressive. I know that it can get emotionally overwhelming, particularly if she is very critical. However, always remember that getting defensive will never work. In fact, it can make the situation even worse. Also, it's extremely important to try not to internalise what your mother says. 

I hope and pray that things get better for you, InshaAllah. 

Edited by Zarla

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1 hour ago, Sindbad05 said:

I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children because in busy life often little negligence makes us very angry because in that age, every person wants quick action and full understanding of things in one sentence.

Age, being busy or marriage is no excuse for getting upset and calling a child, whether young or adult "ugly", "stupid" or "useless"; It is a kind of disrespect to Allah to say such things to your own flesh and blood, really immature too. Allah gave man intellect and an appearance befitting him, made him with a purpose. Does it honestly make sense to insult a creation of Allah? Is it even Islamically acceptable?

If you do insult like that, you will never get full understanding or quick action from children. All you'll get is confusion and resentment, Sindbad.

Quit trying to defend a wrongdoer,  she clearly transgressed her Islamic boundaries as a mother. Don't look at the person, look at what is being said. The mother is venting in an unhealthy, immature and abusive way, and it is clearly upsetting the OP.  

 I don't mean it in a mean way but your assumptions and accusations betray your ignorance; The OP feels bad about screaming but I'll say it again, what the mother did and said was way worse.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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8 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Age, being busy or marriage is no excuse for getting upset and calling a child, whether young or adult "ugly", "stupid" or "useless"; It is a kind of disrespect to Allah to say such things to your own flesh and blood, really immature too. Allah gave man intellect and an appearance befitting him, made him with a purpose. Does it honestly make sense to insult a creation of Allah? Is it even Islamically acceptable?

If you do insult like that, you will never get full understanding or quick action from children. All you'll get is confusion and resentment, Sindbad.

Quit trying to defend a wrongdoer,  she clearly transgressed her Islamic boundaries as a mother. Don't look at the person, look at what is being said. The mother is venting in an unhealthy, immature and abusive way, and it is clearly upsetting the OP. Your assumptions and accusations betray your ignorance; The OP feels bad about screaming but I'll say it again, what the mother did and said was way worse.

If she cannot bear the hard words by Mom, she will have to go entire life with her husband and if she do not have that much patience, really she is going to get destroyed. Be patient. 

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4 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

If she cannot bear the hard words by Mom, she will have to go entire life with her husband and if she do not have that much patience, really she is going to get destroyed. Be patient. 

It's not okay for anyone, mother or husband, to be verbally abusive.

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How about we learn the lesson of Prophet Ibrahim when dealing with his Uncle who he called father?

Quote

[His father] said, "Have you no desire for my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, so avoid me a prolonged time."

 [Abraham] said, "Peace will be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you of my Lord. Indeed, He is ever gracious to me.

Notice Ibrahim's reply to his Uncle who threatened to him? That's what we should me aiming for.

No matter how badly your parents treat you they will remain your parents.

Edited by E.L King

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2 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

It's not okay for anyone, mother or husband, to be verbally abusive.

If anyone's husband abuses her, I recommend break him. And if a wife abuses, I recommend treat him such a way that she be afraid again not to say like that. But if parents say, then you cannot insult them nor God likes that and no one will recommend it. If you are not Muslim, you can do what you like @Islandsandmirrors but if you are Muslim read what Islam says ok. 

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10 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

If she is like that then be patient really, I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children

I would never call my children degrading remarks like ugly and useless, or anything that may lower their self-esteem, inshallah. 

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