Jump to content

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

I can also relate majorly in times. You just have to try to be patient and over time they will stop. I'm making dua's for both of us insha'Allah our Rab sawt will help!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

You stated your mother was dealing with her " frustrations". I think I'd start there and try not to internalize this ( difficult when you are living there, I know....I had a problematic mother, too). These issues are hers,not caused by you. No, you do not deserve to be treated like that. But you're there and " available ". Your mom ,it seems, is having trouble dealing with her own baggage. Again, not caused by you. Some people are not taught ways to handle things without externalizing onto others. I think that might be due to low self-esteem in many cases. Unfortunately,it can create the same condition in those they  choose to " dump onto".

I agree with @notme and others here...it's okay to try to figure out a way to set reasonable boundaries with her and even move out when it's possible. But understanding about my own mom's background and condition helped me " forgive" her and not internalize her negativity. I won't say it didn't leave scars and boundaries didn't have to be set,but I didn't believe her assessments of me. Sounds like you understand this dynamic, too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth."

It is true that she is your mother, but that doesnt mean that she has the right to use vulgar language at you whenever she wants.

Islam teaches us to respect those older than us, and it also teaches us to be kind to those younger than us.         Your mother must be informed of this.

Wasalam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Really, not all parents are alike ok. Do not mix up things. Bad parents and good parents are different @Al Hadi you mentioned the one who slapped his step son so the thing boy need to do is get separated in that case. 

But for @Islandsandmirrors, the case is different. Her mother called her just because she ignores her mother's orders and my Mom does the same. So, every mother has to criticise her children for being lazy and not listening to parents. Imagine your mother is alone in her home she has no mother there to tell her yet she does dozens of works for you and your siblings and husband while we are either peeping into Internet or useless stuff often  and when she says help me we neglect and she has to suffer. Have Mercy on your parents 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Sindbad05 said:

ignores her mother's orders and my Mom does

Um, why make blatent assumptions? 

I was already helping out, like I usually do because actually like doing the housework sometimes instead of having nothing to do/being on my phone, but she has a habit of complaining and belittling me even when I'm in the process of doing what she asked me to do. It's her way of venting. 

She doesn't call me just lazy. Lazy I can understand. It's the insults and degrading remarks I hate: you're a loser, you'll do nothing in your life, you're going to end up living like this and that, you're stupid and useless, you're too skinny I can't even look at you, you have an ugly face, etc.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
33 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Um, why make blatent assumptions? 

I was already helping out, like I usually do because actually like doing the housework sometimes instead of having nothing to do/being on my phone, but she has a habit of complaining and belittling me even when I'm in the process of doing what she asked me to do. It's her way of venting. 

She doesn't call me just lazy. Lazy I can understand. It's the insults and degrading remarks I hate: you're a loser, you'll do nothing in your life, you're going to end up living like this and that, you're stupid and useless, you're too skinny I can't even look at you, you have an ugly face, etc.

If she is like that then be patient really, I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children because in busy life often little negligence makes us very angry because in that age, every person wants quick action and full understanding of things in one sentence. Really you have no knowledge, How it feels to get old. But as per my observation, mature people in mature age says that even no one should ask me again what I told him previously because they are so much busy. 

 

Edited by Sindbad05

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That sounds really frustrating. It's absolutely not okay for a mother to make derogatory remarks, even if her daughter is wrong. There is an abundance of ways she can get her point across without sounding rude or aggressive. I know that it can get emotionally overwhelming, particularly if she is very critical. However, always remember that getting defensive will never work. In fact, it can make the situation even worse. Also, it's extremely important to try not to internalise what your mother says. 

I hope and pray that things get better for you, InshaAllah. 

Edited by Zarla

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Sindbad05 said:

I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children because in busy life often little negligence makes us very angry because in that age, every person wants quick action and full understanding of things in one sentence.

Age, being busy or marriage is no excuse for getting upset and calling a child, whether young or adult "ugly", "stupid" or "useless"; It is a kind of disrespect to Allah to say such things to your own flesh and blood, really immature too. Allah gave man intellect and an appearance befitting him, made him with a purpose. Does it honestly make sense to insult a creation of Allah? Is it even Islamically acceptable?

If you do insult like that, you will never get full understanding or quick action from children. All you'll get is confusion and resentment, Sindbad.

Quit trying to defend a wrongdoer,  she clearly transgressed her Islamic boundaries as a mother. Don't look at the person, look at what is being said. The mother is venting in an unhealthy, immature and abusive way, and it is clearly upsetting the OP.  

 I don't mean it in a mean way but your assumptions and accusations betray your ignorance; The OP feels bad about screaming but I'll say it again, what the mother did and said was way worse.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Age, being busy or marriage is no excuse for getting upset and calling a child, whether young or adult "ugly", "stupid" or "useless"; It is a kind of disrespect to Allah to say such things to your own flesh and blood, really immature too. Allah gave man intellect and an appearance befitting him, made him with a purpose. Does it honestly make sense to insult a creation of Allah? Is it even Islamically acceptable?

If you do insult like that, you will never get full understanding or quick action from children. All you'll get is confusion and resentment, Sindbad.

Quit trying to defend a wrongdoer,  she clearly transgressed her Islamic boundaries as a mother. Don't look at the person, look at what is being said. The mother is venting in an unhealthy, immature and abusive way, and it is clearly upsetting the OP. Your assumptions and accusations betray your ignorance; The OP feels bad about screaming but I'll say it again, what the mother did and said was way worse.

If she cannot bear the hard words by Mom, she will have to go entire life with her husband and if she do not have that much patience, really she is going to get destroyed. Be patient. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

If she cannot bear the hard words by Mom, she will have to go entire life with her husband and if she do not have that much patience, really she is going to get destroyed. Be patient. 

It's not okay for anyone, mother or husband, to be verbally abusive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How about we learn the lesson of Prophet Ibrahim when dealing with his Uncle who he called father?

Quote

[His father] said, "Have you no desire for my gods, O Abraham? If you do not desist, I will surely stone you, so avoid me a prolonged time."

 [Abraham] said, "Peace will be upon you. I will ask forgiveness for you of my Lord. Indeed, He is ever gracious to me.

Notice Ibrahim's reply to his Uncle who threatened to him? That's what we should me aiming for.

No matter how badly your parents treat you they will remain your parents.

Edited by E.L King

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

It's not okay for anyone, mother or husband, to be verbally abusive.

If anyone's husband abuses her, I recommend break him. And if a wife abuses, I recommend treat him such a way that she be afraid again not to say like that. But if parents say, then you cannot insult them nor God likes that and no one will recommend it. If you are not Muslim, you can do what you like @Islandsandmirrors but if you are Muslim read what Islam says ok. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Sindbad05 said:

If she is like that then be patient really, I tell you when you get married and get in her age, you will be saying same to your children

I would never call my children degrading remarks like ugly and useless, or anything that may lower their self-esteem, inshallah. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest silasun
On 02/04/2017 at 9:02 PM, notme said:

Try to bear it with patience and as soon as you are able, move out into your own home. 

I don't think that this is good advice. Parents from some backgrounds find it normal to be a be cranky with their children - it is something that you can learn to get used to. I know some of those in a similar situation; they were able to get their parents to treat them better through being forbearing with the parent's anger (it is wrong to reason with a person whilst they are angry - it will just exacerbate the situation), spending more time building bridges with them (engaging in hobbies of the parent or sharing your own view which matches that of your parent) and striving to remember that the bad behaviour isn't out of hatred towards their child.

Some people just don't have good manners but it doesn't mean that they don't have good hearts - the OP's mother sounds like a person who really does care for her but may have anger management problems, for example.

OP, your mother might be feeling sad or lonely which is why she behaves like this; moving out may make it harder for her. Please bare with her faults patiently. Nobody should be made to feel degraded but remember that she isn't doing it because she hates you.

 

Edited by silasun

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum 

It is important to know what our responsibilities are towards our parents.  It is not only an akhlaqi principle but it is wajab/obligatory to know what God wants from us to be towards our parents.  In no way am I implying what your mother is doing right, but what should be done when parents are negative.

Every Monday we have a topic being addressed at the masjid.  Please sister @Pearl178 if you can translate just some points about what Sayyid Hassan says about our duty towards our parents.  I would ask brother @Qa'im but I know he has projects he is already working on.

Not only do we be kind to our parents when they are alive but even after their death, we do not forget them and are still dutiful towards them.  Sister Pearl, I would appreciate your help just to highlight some points below.  Thank you.  Your reward is with Allah.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah 

 

 كلمة سماحة الامين العام السيد حسن نصر الله
نهار الاثنين 3 نيسان 2017 
استهل سماحته الكلمة عن أهمية الاتيان مشيا على الاقدام الى المساجد لكسب الاجر و تفعيل المودة بينه و بين المرتادين الى المسجد..
ثانيا بارك سماحته لنا حلول شهر رجب و اكد على المستحبات المؤكد عليها فيه كالصيام ولو ثلاثة ايام و الاستغفار و دعاء يا من ارجوه لكل خير...
استكمالا لمصاديق الاحسان و خصوصا الاحسان بالوالدين..
1_المعرفة بحق الوالدين عليك 
2_ الشكر لهما 
3_عدم ازعاجهما حتى ولو بالأف ..ولا تقل لهما أف وحتى بنظرة غضب فأي شيء يؤذي اباك او امك هو حرام و هنا تطرق للواجب العيني والواجب الكفائي فطاعة الوالدين اهم من اي واجب كفائي 
4_الطاعة لهما ..من حقوقهما ان تطيعهما وان تسمع كلامهما الا اذا نهيا عن واجب او امرا بشيء حرام ..لأنه لا طاعة لمخلوق في معصية الخالق ..ولكن حتى لو بدك ترد عليي بترد عليه بلطف و هناك بعض الامور المستحبة يطلبها الاهل و هنا نكون قد كسبنا رضا الله و رضا الاهل وفرحهما 
5_الاحترام والتقدير ..والثناء عليهما و هنا قال سماحته ان البعض يغتاب اهله و هنا مشكلة كبرى ..و البعض يحضر لاهله الشتائم و هنا مسؤولية كبيرة ...وحتى رفع الصوت فوق صوتهما ..و قد أكد سماحته على بعض اللياقات عند استقبال الوالدين او السلام عليهما كالوقوف لهما و تقبيل يديهما 
6_القيام بكل ما هو معروف وخير لهما و هذا ايضا من مصاديق الاحسان للوالدين..كالدعاء لهما و خصوصا في اشهر النور مثال على ذلك مقاطع من دعاء ابي حمزة الثمالي و التواضع لهما والخشوع لهما و الاستغفار و القول الجميل اي الكلمة الطيبة وان تحسن صحبتهما والانفاق عليها والاهتمام بصحتهما وهنا تكلم السيد عن الذي يحسن منزله و لا يساعد اهله ...وتقديم الهدايا لهما سواءا كانا فقراء او اغنياء ..


#وأما الاعمال الواجبة اتجاه الاهل بعد موتهما :
الصلاة عليهما..الاستغفار لهما..صلة الرحم عبر زيارة قبرهما وزيارة اقاربهما ..واكرام صديقهما ...والصوم عنهما ..والحج والصوم كونهما متعبين اذا نواهما الشخص عن اهله فقد ربح عنه وعن اهله وهنا الكرم الالهي ...فالاهل بعد وفاتهما يحتاجان اي عمل خير ...فبر الوالدين لا يتوقف عند موتهما فالله  فتح لنا بابا للرحمة بعد موتهما...
...نصح سماحته قراءة ادعية الامام زين العابدين فكلها تنبع بالاساليب والحكم..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Great advice guys. Someone tells you they are being mentally abused by their mother, and the best you can tell her is that she shouldn't answer her mother back and should just get used to it?

As far as I am aware, the sister lives (or has lived) in Pakistan, so I'm sure she's well aware of the cultural/religious expectations of a daughter towards her mother. I'm sure this is also not the first time that her mother had vented her frustrations at her, but it sounds to me that this was one time too many. And yes, of course we should be good to our parents and treat them well, but we are not infallible, and the reality is that it's not as easy to deal with these situations in practice as it is in theory. A person's own well-being, and that of their children, also comes before their duties to their parents, and Islam doesn't say that a child has to accept being abused. Those of you who seem to think that this is completely normal and that she should just get used to it seem to have adopted the mentality of a slave. Parents have rights over us, but they are not the only rights that need to be taken into account.

So yes, while the sister's reaction was not the best one, as I'm sure she knows, I think we should try to be a little more understanding, and try to say something else than the potentially dangerous (depending on the circumstances) advice to just deal with it.

In my opinion, the mother is completely out of order, and has no business taking her frustrations out on her daughter. Her daughter is also not her slave, who needs to do all the housework for her, and who can be abused when not doing it 'up to standard'. As for how to deal with the situation, then a lot will depend on the circumstances. Which other family members are around, how regular the abuse is, the affect it is having on the person's well-being (or that of their children), whether moving out is an option, whether the mother could care for herself, etc, etc. But without knowing the specifics it seems a little irresponsible to be telling her what she definitely should or shouldn't do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Haydar Husayn We are only slaves to Allah. But the reality is that disobeying one's mother if the conditions of obligatory obedience are fulfilled, is haram. And it does not matter whether she is a bad mother or a good mother.

One thing the sister can do is advise her mother to stop abusing her and to tell her this is haram. And she also has the option of sitting down with other family members together to try and solve the issues.

But she cannot throw an Islamic obligation to the side.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, E.L King said:

@Haydar Husayn We are only slaves to Allah. But the reality is that disobeying one's mother if the conditions of obligatory obedience are fulfilled, is haram. And it does not matter whether she is a bad mother or a good mother.

One thing the sister can do is advise her mother to stop abusing her and to tell her this is haram. And she also has the option of sitting down with other family members together to try and solve the issues.

But she cannot throw an Islamic obligation to the side.

Where did the sister say that she was disobeying her mother in matters of obligatory obedience?

Is it an Islamic obligation to be treated like a domestic servant, or in fact worse than a domestic servant should be treated? The fact that Islam places a lot of emphasis on the rights of the parents doesn't mean that it allows injustice or oppression. Things aren't as simple as just looking at one person's right without considering all the other related issues.

In any case, I don't think the sister was necessarily looking for any specific advice here. She just seems to be in a difficult situation and perhaps wanted to let off some steam. People should try being more sympathetic, rather than straight away telling her that she did something haram and that she needs to accept being treated in this way (which is a ridiculous thing to say in any case). These are real lives here, not theoretical scenarios. Saying the wrong thing at the wrong time can potentially have some negative consequences.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Haydar Husayn said:

Pakistan

Actually, I had lived in Iran. In my teen years. (13-17) My nationality is Persian, and I was born in The States.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Haydar Husayn said:

and who can be abused when not doing it 'up to standard'. As for how to deal with the situation, then a lot will depend on the circumstances. Which other family members are around, how regular the abuse is, the affect it is having on the person's well-being (or that of their children), whether moving out is an option, whether the mother could care for herself, etc, etc. But without knowing the specifics it seems a little irresponsible to be telling her what she definitely should or shouldn't do.

My dad is always at work. My sister is sometimes in the house when the verbal abuse happens. 

The abuse happens several times a week, sometimes every other day. (Usually, I'm called "useless" and a "loser".)

Our house is immaculate all the time, and it's exhausting when things are not perfect right then. Btw, my sister doesn't get treated like this. It's just me. Although she's as messy as I am, I'm always the one doing chores in the house. When I ask her why it's only me that does the work, my mother says, "it's because you're older than your sister." Or "You're not as quick in cleaning the house as your sister." My sister doesn't do jack squat in the house. Ever. Never does the dishes, never cooks, cleans the rooms, (except her own once in a blue moon.) etc. 

my mother likes everything to be in its place, perfectly organized and everything must be color coordinationed. When I do what she says, she's happy (although always complains.) but when I don't do something right away without question, she explodes and insults me. Her behavior doesn't make me want to do any housework, or even spend time with her, and then she complains non stop that I don't spend time with her.

She does try to threaten me by saying, "Don't you dare tell anyone about our problems because I don't want people to know about our lives." When things go wrong, but I ignore this. I'm allowed to express my frustration about my family and to have an outlet. 

She can perfectly do chores around the house, but she starts complaining that she's the "slave" (she never does any work now. She's always on her phone or watching TV.) if she has to wash the dishes instead of me.

when she doesn't have anything in regards to housework to complain about, she complains about my appearance, saying that I'm too skinny, (I'm at a healthy weight for my height, although on the thinner side) that I'm unattractive. She says that guys like curves now, and when I was fat, she said that I will never find love and that if I do land a guy, if I continued to gain weight, he will cheat on me with someone hotter (srsly she said that) that I have an ugly, long "horse face" and tells me to "not try to make myself pretty with makeup." Because she "sees right through it" 

And for years she complained about my walking (I have CP) and said that "when people look at you from afar, they see a fairly attractive person, but they look at your walking and don't even want to come near you."

when I was severely bullied because of my walking as a child she said recently, "Kids used to bully you, didn't that make you want to change and JUST TRY to walk better? Didn't you learn?"

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/2/2017 at 2:55 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

My mother has always taken out her frustration onto me and blames me for all her problems, compares me to terrible people in my family, etc. I'm sick of it. Today she exploded over dishes and insulted me for being incompetent with housework and when she left the room still complaining I threw the clean spoons on the floor. 

I don't usually react this way, but I screamed and told her to not insult me and that I don't deserve to be treated like this. She said, "I'm the mother, and I can say whatever I want, so shut your goddamn mouth." 

Help your mother with her problems and the reasons for her frustrations and I am sure she will get better. Some people do not know how to ask for help and take it out in mean ways when they are normally good people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Actually, I had lived in Iran. In my teen years. (13-17) My nationality is Persian, and I was born in The States.

Sorry, I must have confused you with someone else. Luckily it doesn't change the point I was making.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My dad is always at work. My sister is sometimes in the house when the verbal abuse happens. 

The abuse happens several times a week, sometimes every other day. (Usually, I'm called "useless" and a "loser".)

Our house is immaculate all the time, and it's exhausting when things are not perfect right then. Btw, my sister doesn't get treated like this. It's just me. Although she's as messy as I am, I'm always the one doing chores in the house. When I ask her why it's only me that does the work, my mother says, "it's because you're older than your sister." Or "You're not as quick in cleaning the house as your sister." My sister doesn't do jack squat in the house. Ever. Never does the dishes, never cooks, cleans the rooms, (except her own once in a blue moon.) etc. 

my mother likes everything to be in its place, perfectly organized and everything must be color coordinationed. When I do what she says, she's happy (although always complains.) but when I don't do something right away without question, she explodes and insults me. Her behavior doesn't make me want to do any housework, or even spend time with her, and then she complains non stop that I don't spend time with her.

She does try to threaten me by saying, "Don't you dare tell anyone about our problems because I don't want people to know about our lives." When things go wrong, but I ignore this. I'm allowed to express my frustration about my family and to have an outlet. 

She can perfectly do chores around the house, but she starts complaining that she's the "slave" (she never does any work now. She's always on her phone or watching TV.) if she has to wash the dishes instead of me.

when she doesn't have anything in regards to housework to complain about, she complains about my appearance, saying that I'm too skinny, (I'm at a healthy weight for my height, although on the thinner side) that I'm unattractive. She says that guys like curves now, and when I was fat, she said that I will never find love and that if I do land a guy, if I continued to gain weight, he will cheat on me with someone hotter (srsly she said that) that I have an ugly, long "horse face" and tells me to "not try to make myself pretty with makeup." Because she "sees right through it" 

And for years she complained about my walking (I have CP) and said that "when people look at you from afar, they see a fairly attractive person, but they look at your walking and don't even want to come near you."

when I was severely bullied because of my walking as a child she said recently, "Kids used to bully you, didn't that make you want to change and JUST TRY to walk better? Didn't you learn?"

This sounds horrendous. May Allah give you comfort, and guide your mother.

I think you've done well not to snap a long time ago if this is the kind of stuff you have to deal with on a regular basis.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×