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Hi Salam guys,

After so long I came back to shiachat. I wasn't sure I wanted to come back, but I have been on here without logging in.

So, I got married. It's been nearly a year and alhamdulilah Allah has sent me a good husband. He has his flaws like any other human being, but alhamdulilah I am happy with him. 

Sometimes marriage life can be very difficult, especially with his personality. He is an alpha male type of guy, and I can have difficulties dealing with that. Although I knew about this since we were engaged, I always was told that when we would start living together, when we have a family he would change. He is also spoilt by his mum, who thinks her son is an angel walking on Earth, which doesn't help his ego either. 

During the first year of marriage sometimes we would get into little arguments that would grow bigger because his ego doesn't allow him to apologise or to talk to me. I always have to approach him, sometimes almost begging for him to forget the argument. In which he can become  cold and unapproachable. This sort of thing happens Everytime we argue. 

The other thing is that sometimes I really wonder if he truly loves me, I am an emotional girl like any girl, it hurts me to see that he likes to spend more time with his friends rather than me his wife. For example the first day we came back from our honeymoon, he went to see his friends. He then decided that three times a week is for his friends, and the rest for his family.

Recently I have travelled somewhere away, he would call me for like 10 mins max, when I complained he doesn't see what my problem is, he says I nag and he stopped calling at all, he stopped texting. I don't want to be the one who is always approaching, his ego is killing me. 

Are guys like this? Is love fake like my husband keeps saying? How do I approach the situation, how can I change this behavior, or make him see there is no pride between a husband and wife. He has a good heart, but his coldness kills me and he doesn't realise. Sometimes I feel so lonely even when I'm with him. I also realised that I don't speak well of him to my close family, if they ask me how he is I just say he's ok, he's like usual. I don't want to be like that, indifferent. I want to be in love with him and feel like he is in love with me too. I have felt love before, nothing like this. Am I over exaggerating, nagging or over analysing? Please guys answer me. Those who are experienced.

Sorry for the loooooong post! 

Ws

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Salaam alaikum, I had to reply when you said " Are guys like this?"

The short answer is no. 

Most guys are not like this at all, I am nothing like this. Yes, love in the movies is fake, exaggerated or perverted but love based on mutual respect and understanding is very, very real. 

I don't see much of it from what you wrote here. The fact that you have to beg for him to forget about the argument is not normal and neither is this coldness and distance from him after an argument.

If he has a good heart, he would not be doing this to you. It is a kind of emotional abuse if he does this to you everytime like you said. 

I don't think you are exaggerating, nagging or over analysing. I think you are very confused and hurt by his indifference towards you. 

If that's way he's been since you knew him, I doubt that he will change for the better but try to sit down and talk with him about how lonely and hurt you feel when he ignores you and how you don't want to be the one initiating conversations all and it hurts you even more that he puts his friends over you and family. A man never puts his friends over his wife and family.

You should definitely be telling your family and his family the truth with what going on your marriage. Especially your parents, they are experienced and probably would do anything for you to make this marriage work.  

The ego during an argument and  indifference towards you are a definite red flag and should be resolved before it gets worse. I am saddened to read that you are going through a such hard time in your marriage. 

Insha'Allah, I am sure that other members would give you some more sound advice on this matter.

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2 hours ago, E.L King said:

Great guy. We need more of them in the world, too many weaklings.

They need to be Alpha male out on the street. To protect their family and friends. They need to be alpha male against the enemies of Allah. 

But with their wives they should be loving and caring. 

That's what believe. 

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7 minutes ago, YAli said:

They need to be Alpha male out on the street. To protect their family and friends. They need to be alpha male against the enemies of Allah. 

But with their wives they should be loving and caring. 

That's what believe. 

+10000

[EDIT] From what I have observed it's opposite to what you said. Some men will act like a bully inside the home with their wife but when it comes to dealing with 'men' outside the home they turn into jellyfish.

Edited by starlight

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24 minutes ago, YAli said:

They need to be Alpha male out on the street. To protect their family and friends. They need to be alpha male against the enemies of Allah. 

But with their wives they should be loving and caring. 

That's what believe. 

I believe that too. I believe in chivalry, which requires love for the family. 

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2 hours ago, starlight said:

+10000

[EDIT] From what I have observed it's opposite to what you said. Some men will act like a bully inside the home with their wife but when it comes to dealing with 'men' outside the home they turn into jellyfish.

That's sad. 

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Salam and welcome back to the forum.

I am sorry to hear that you are having problems but iA they will become better.

I do not understand how he can say:

7 hours ago, irakiya_shi3iya said:

He then decided that three times a week is for his friends, and the rest for his family.

That is not how married life works as far as I am concerned. From what you are telling me, he is acting a bit immature in my opinion but dont worry, some times you have to use different ways of communicating with certain people in order for them to best understand you.

For example, if someone acts like a computer in communication, then make sure to be very specific and clear in your communication with no room for different interpretation. 

I do believe you can better your situation iA. Have you considered taking him on a couples therapy to a sheikh specialized in marital issues for example? You seem to mention he has a very big ego, maybe you can get him interested in lectures concerning the ego, without telling him he has an issue with it of course (his ego would take offence).

Or maybe talk to older women regarding how to deal with men with great egos without mentioning too much about your situation and good forbid back talk your husband, women loves to back talk, I am sure the older women have their tips and tricks about how to deal with such husbands. For example, they could suggest good ideas to their men and then when the men does it, they would give them credit for coming up with the idea, as if it was their idea to being with and as such satisfying their sense of pride(ego). But it is better to be self aware of ones flaws instead of being manipulated like a child IMO.

Either way, I would recommend you to wait with having a child until your situation becomes better and you understand each other better and your relationship is stable and sturdy. InshaAllah everything will be ok by the mercy of Allah swt.

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So coincidental, but we literally had exactly same argument between me and my wife at the breakfast table this morning, and that is exactly what she said and I said exactly what OP's husband says minus all the coldness. I for sure don't act like a child by shutting all communication off but the rest remains correct.

My advice, bear along.

We men are tough to live with, we do love our wives but like my wife said, it all seems like very superficial love to you folks, only wanting a couple of things from you, and then moving on to other things etc. This to my opinion is a time tested argument, a natural dance of genders, that has been carried on and will keep on going till the humanity remains on the face of this earth. 

Naggin' wives and Desolate husbands is an age old adage in all cultures for a reason!

If things bother you too much, here's a solace for you (for your husband too actually) that we humans are generally thankless. Do not expect much of it from a creature who is even thankless to it's God.

While we do appreciate what is good in others, foremost we worry about our wants and desires. No matter how much we help or support each other, end of the day we do want return of the favors and this comes right in our faces when we become husbands and wives. This is the way it is, and both women and men have to live with it.

There is NO ideal marriage to the wants of women. There is NO ideal woman for a man.

 

 

 

 

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Salam,

Thanks guys for your replies, this subject is always on my mind, constantly trying to figure out if it's just my problem trying to force love or force this attraction to happen. I keep telling him, but he's not understanding me. He tells me he's doing everything I want, which I'm thankful for, believe me, I am always thanking Allah in my heart for sending me a good guy, but there's always this desire that I want more from this union between us. I don't really want materialistic things, although they are a necessity in life, I'm just looking for more.

Before we got married, he wanted to see if there was a spark between us, he said he found the spark but everything was so formal, even throughout the engagement, I still felt things was formal. I tried to express it but he said real love is after marriage, our religion is like this.

Anyway, I have told my mum which she advised me to bare it till he changes, i think my dad is like this too. She said Iraqi men are this way. But I see different ways in other marriages, and can't help but feel this way. 

Thanks again

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12 hours ago, irakiya_shi3iya said:

 

The other thing is that sometimes I really wonder if he truly loves me, I am an emotional girl like any girl, it hurts me to see that he likes to spend more time with his friends rather than me his wife. For example the first day we came back from our honeymoon, he went to see his friends. He then decided that three times a week is for his friends, and the rest for his family.

 

Sister if he want to go see his friends, let him be, he has a right to see his friends. Nobody says that when you get married you need to be in each others faces 24 hours. Go to the spa, go visit your parents, go watch a movie or meet some old friends! You might not get the chance to have your 'me' time once the kids start popping. And besides, you said you had just come back from honeymoon. I would assume you were together the whole time, maybe he just needs some space? (Not in a bad way). And I understand that three times might be a lot but how many hours during those days is actually asking to be with his friends? A few I would assume? Like I said, try to make use of that time because he is eventually going to come back home to you, he ain't goin nowhere. Also, this whole friends issue is just a phase with most guys, it will eventually wear out but you just need to let them be. Personally if my husband said to me he wants to go see friends everyday I would seize the opportunity to do my own thing. 

 

12 hours ago, irakiya_shi3iya said:

 

Recently I have travelled somewhere away, he would call me for like 10 mins max, when I complained he doesn't see what my problem is, he says I nag and he stopped calling at all, he stopped texting. I don't want to be the one who is always approaching, his ego is killing me. 

Ws

So he texted as well? That should count for something shouldn't it? Don't be too hard on him. Tell him how much you appreciate that he made the effort to call everyday albeit for 10 mins only. It's okay if you are the one that makes the effort. Ego is a disease and we should never let it get the best of us. 

 

12 hours ago, irakiya_shi3iya said:

He has a good heart, but his coldness kills me and he doesn't realise.

Alhamdulilah for his good heart. What do you mean by cold? Is he distant or just generally reserved/quiet? 

 

12 hours ago, irakiya_shi3iya said:

but alhamdulilah I am happy with him. 

 

That's good to hear and inshaAllah you will always be happy with him despite the obstacles which will only bring you closer :)

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Some men can be a bit distant and cold.  I do not like to talk much on the phone either or care much about romance.  You are his wife so you definitely should be a priority.  With certain men if you voice your concerns too much they get turned off.  Sometimes a better policy is to maintain some distance and engage in conversations which you think will be more meaningful to him, something more intellectually stimulating perhaps or just something different.  This will draw him towards you and then romance can naturally flow.

These issues are commonplace in marriages because generally men and women naturally have very different interests and needs.  Both sides need to try different approaches and compromise.  Forced romance hardly ever works.

Edited by King

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On 3/26/2017 at 10:17 PM, irakiya_shi3iya said:

Hi Salam guys,

After so long I came back to shiachat. I wasn't sure I wanted to come back, but I have been on here without logging in.

So, I got married. It's been nearly a year and alhamdulilah Allah has sent me a good husband. He has his flaws like any other human being, but alhamdulilah I am happy with him. 

Sometimes marriage life can be very difficult, especially with his personality. He is an alpha male type of guy, and I can have difficulties dealing with that. Although I knew about this since we were engaged, I always was told that when we would start living together, when we have a family he would change. He is also spoilt by his mum, who thinks her son is an angel walking on Earth, which doesn't help his ego either. 

During the first year of marriage sometimes we would get into little arguments that would grow bigger because his ego doesn't allow him to apologise or to talk to me. I always have to approach him, sometimes almost begging for him to forget the argument. In which he can become  cold and unapproachable. This sort of thing happens Everytime we argue. 

The other thing is that sometimes I really wonder if he truly loves me, I am an emotional girl like any girl, it hurts me to see that he likes to spend more time with his friends rather than me his wife. For example the first day we came back from our honeymoon, he went to see his friends. He then decided that three times a week is for his friends, and the rest for his family.

Recently I have travelled somewhere away, he would call me for like 10 mins max, when I complained he doesn't see what my problem is, he says I nag and he stopped calling at all, he stopped texting. I don't want to be the one who is always approaching, his ego is killing me. 

Are guys like this? Is love fake like my husband keeps saying? How do I approach the situation, how can I change this behavior, or make him see there is no pride between a husband and wife. He has a good heart, but his coldness kills me and he doesn't realise. Sometimes I feel so lonely even when I'm with him. I also realised that I don't speak well of him to my close family, if they ask me how he is I just say he's ok, he's like usual. I don't want to be like that, indifferent. I want to be in love with him and feel like he is in love with me too. I have felt love before, nothing like this. Am I over exaggerating, nagging or over analysing? Please guys answer me. Those who are experienced.

Sorry for the loooooong post! 

Ws

The problem is that we think men will change and this is not true. You knew this what he was like. Why did you think he will change? Why did you accept this behavior? 

Being an "Alpha" is not an excuse for his abusive behavior and lack of understanding and communication.

Your husband sounds emotionally unavailable and not good with accessing his emotions. He also sounds emotionally abusive and unwilling to become mellow and easy going when needed.

i thought men were like what you described. Then I realized, no, not all men are like this. My father and both grandparents were exactly like you described. It's not alright, it's not healthy. 

I'm not saying this to cause you any distress about your choices. I'm not trying to put you or your husband down. I'm just stating what I understand. Too often woman accept the kind of behavior your husband exhibits, out of cultural normalcy and lack of positive male role models/bad relationships. 

Being in love is supposed to make you feel healed and whole when together and even apart, not emptier and sadder.

I highly recommend couples counseling. And may I ask how old you are? 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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On 3/27/2017 at 0:17 AM, irakiya_shi3iya said:

Recently I have travelled somewhere away, he would call me for like 10 mins max, when I complained he doesn't see what my problem is, he says I nag and he stopped calling at all, he stopped texting. I don't want to be the one who is always approaching, his ego is killing me. 

Sister - most guys don't like talking on the phone so the fact that he called you is a real + and for 10 min is another +.

In his mind, he probably did great but then had to hear about how it was not enough and should have been better, etc. I can see why it would turn him off.

On 3/27/2017 at 0:17 AM, irakiya_shi3iya said:

For example the first day we came back from our honeymoon, he went to see his friends. He then decided that three times a week is for his friends, and the rest for his family.

I have seen this in several marriages recently where husband or wife or both give so much more preference to their friends that their spouses. Not always, but there are times when friends can be the worst thing for a marriage, definitely for a new marriage.

I think you will need to give him time for his 3 days to become 2 days or a happy compromise. But I do recommend letting him have his space as well.

On 3/27/2017 at 0:17 AM, irakiya_shi3iya said:

Are guys like this? Is love fake like my husband keeps saying? How do I approach the situation, how can I change this behavior, or make him see there is no pride between a husband and wife. He has a good heart, but his coldness kills me and he doesn't realise. Sometimes I feel so lonely even when I'm with him. I also realised that I don't speak well of him to my close family, if they ask me how he is I just say he's ok, he's like usual. I don't want to be like that, indifferent. I want to be in love with him and feel like he is in love with me too. I have felt love before, nothing like this. Am I over exaggerating, nagging or over analysing? Please guys answer me. Those who are experienced.

Could you also be displaying these feelings in your actions when you are with him? That wouldnt be good.

Your husband is the way he is because that is what he knows. If he is 30, then he is who he is because of 30 years of learning. Expecting him to change overnight would not be wise and similarly he should not be expecting  you to change overnight either.

Happily ever after actually takes a lot of work from the husband and the wife.

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44 minutes ago, shiaman14 said:

ster - most guys don't like talking on the phone so the fact that he called you is a real + and for 10 min is another +.

Noooooooooooo. 

My guy hates texting, but he does it anyway and does it often just to communicate with me. 

My point is there seems to be a lack of understanding and major communication issues between the two and when you're in love with someone, you'll swallow your pride and try to compromise.

10 minutes is nothing. I understand the time crunch sometimes, but you'll want to talk to someone you love and care about for way more than 10 minutes. 

Not trying bash your answer, because you are an awesome SC user, but just answering based on what I know.

and another thing--a woman wanting something more should NOT be a turn off for men. Most men want to make their wives happy, and are willing to go the extra mile if it'll benefit his relationship with his wife. They would not say that you nag too much when you're not even requesting a big change. Guys like him think they are perfect and aren't doing anything wrong and are quick to dismiss your feelings as unimportant. He's diminishing her emotions, which is not okay. 

Some woman really do "nag" their husbands, but it's obvious the OP is not one of those woman. She just wants emotional connection and support and a sense of togetherness. That's not unreasonable at all. 

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1 hour ago, shiaman14 said:

Sister - most guys don't like talking on the phone so the fact that he called you is a real + and for 10 min is another +.

I don't see that where I live, brother. Sure, men might not like  talking on the phone but I believe that most men would definitely appreciate a phone call from their wife and 10 minutes is nothing. I don't see how it is a plus when the OP said he stopped talking to her on the phone and doesn't answer her anymore. 

The OP is tired of the isolation and wants to love her husband but he doesn't seem to care about her from what she has told us. The man is more interested in his buddies than the emotional needs of his wife. That to me, is cowardly.  It is okay to visit your friends after you have married but never put them over your family. That's not how society works. 

If this marriage is fine, I don't think the OP would have bothered to write this thread.

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1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

My point is there seems to be a lack of understanding and major communication issues between the two and when you're in love with someone, you'll swallow your pride and try to compromise.

10 minutes is nothing. I understand the time crunch sometimes, but you'll want to talk to someone you love and care about for way more than 10 minutes. 

We are in complete agreement that there is a lack of understanding and communication issues.

He might consider 10 min on the phone plenty of time and OP  and you don't. I don't think either person can be said to be wrong. That's where the issues lie. But if he thinks 10 min is adequate and OP thinks 30 is adequate and they reach an understanding that 20 min will work - what would be wrong with that? But it will take time to work up to 20 min won't be instant.

1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Not trying bash your answer, because you are an awesome SC user, but just answering based on what I know.

Bash away sis. No worries.

1 hour ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

and another thing--a woman wanting something more should NOT be a turn off for men. Most men want to make their wives happy, and are willing to go the extra mile if it'll benefit his relationship with his wife. They would not say that you nag too much when you're not even requesting a big change. Guys like him think they are perfect and aren't doing anything wrong and are quick to dismiss your feelings as unimportant. He's diminishing her emotions, which is not okay. 

Agreed.

38 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I don't see that where I live, brother. Sure, men might not like  talking on the phone but I believe that most men would definitely appreciate a phone call from their wife and 10 minutes is nothing. I don't see how it is a plus when the OP said he stopped talking to her on the phone and doesn't answer her anymore. 

Brother - the plus was that he was calling her and talking to her. With alpha males, I think positive reinforcement works better so encouraging his behavior would have made him feel appreciated and he would have done it more often and for longer.

Negative reinforcement - bashing what he considered a good thing - had the negative effect where he stopped calling.

43 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

The OP is tired of the isolation and wants to love her husband but he doesn't seem to care about her from what she has told us. The man is more interested in his buddies than the emotional needs of his wife. That to me, is cowardly.  It is okay to visit your friends after you have married but never put them over your family. That's not how society works. 

I don't think overnight changes work or last.

Clearly things are not fine but 1 year is a small period of time in a lifetime of marriage. Gradual change is more long-lasting. 

OP said her husband is an alpha male. Alpha males need to be treated like small children and you have to coach/train them into your way of thinking. 

Marriage takes time.

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15 minutes ago, shiaman14 said:

OP said her husband is an alpha male. Alpha males need to be treated like small children and you have to coach/train them into your way of thinking. 

I guess the OP needs to define what she believes to be an Alpha male. Is it a vibe? An attitude? A way of being? 

And I think we need to step away from labeling him with terms that will box him in and look for ways to see him as a whole person. Just human.

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23 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I guess the OP needs to define what she believes to be an Alpha male. Is it a vibe? An attitude? A way of being? 

And I think we need to step away from labeling him with terms that will box him in and look for ways to see him as a whole person. Just human.

My point exactly.

From his perspective, he could be patting himself on the back thinking he is an awesome husband because he is giving his wife 4 days a week and friends only 3 days a d being totally clueless about the needs of his wife.

It would be wrong of us to write off the husband and the marriage with very little info about him.

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