My best friend's wedding

[Pearl178]

Not the movie.

It's been gnawing a my consciousness for the past few weeks now. She threatened  that if I didn't go she would never speak to me, which of course won't happen, but i'll never hear the end of the guilt trip till I'm in my grave. Two reasons why I really don't want to attend: it is a mixed wedding + drinks will be served continuously. 

It's a big fat dilemma and I don't know what to do. Shall I ditch and just beg her forgiveness? Or just go for a bit and leave? At least to see her enter? 

Edited March 7, 2017 by Pearl178

[DigitalUmmah]

6 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

It's a big fat dilemma and I don't know what to do. Shall I ditch and just beg her forgiveness? Or just go for a but and leave? At least to see her enter?

Kidnap the groom so the wedding doesnt happen?

[Hameedeh]

8 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

It's been gnawing a my consciousness for the past few weeks now. She threatened  that if I didn't go she would never speak to me, which of course won't happen, but i'll never hear the end of the guilt trip till I'm in my grave.

It seems you already told your friend that you don't want to go to her wedding, since she threatened you. Here in the US, when you go to a wedding you sign the guest book and congratulate the couple in your own handwriting. Is this what she will remember from the wedding, that you were there for her? 

[Pearl178]

1 minute ago, DigitalUmmah said:

Kidnap the groom so the wedding doesnt happen?

lol. it will probably still happen considering how much my friend's father is spending on the wedding..he'll be like to hell with the groom ha.  and guess what he's spending most on? yep...

and this is a shia family btw. no wonder the appearance isn't happening.

 

 

[repenter-gone4awhile]

10 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

Not the movie.

It's been gnawing a my consciousness for the past few weeks now. She threatened  that if I didn't go she would never speak to me, which of course won't happen, but i'll never hear the end of the guilt trip till I'm in my grave. Two reasons why I really don't want to attend: it is a mixed wedding + drinks will be served continuously. 

It's a big fat dilemma and I don't know what to do. Shall I ditch and just beg her forgiveness? Or just go for a bit and leave? At least to see her enter? 

You can show up with your gift, say hi and then leave. 

[DigitalUmmah]

Just now, Pearl178 said:

and this is a shia family btw. no wonder the appearance isn't happening.

*snort*

my wedding will be in my garden. Ill have a BBQ. forget the hall and rental cars etc. if people wanna spend money they can just give me the cash bruv. mans got bills to pay. 

[Pearl178]

5 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

It seems you already told your friend that you don't want to go to her wedding, since she threatened you. Here in the US, when you go to a wedding you sign the guest book and congratulate the couple in your own handwriting. Is this what she will remember from the wedding, that you were there for her? 

I told her i'm coming, and now i don't know how to back out. I think I may be overthinking and overcomplicating this. And yeah she keeps saying 'how can you not be there on your childhood friend's big day,' and then I feel so guilty!

[ShiaMan14]

21 minutes ago, DigitalUmmah said:

*snort*

my wedding will be in my garden. Ill have a BBQ. forget the hall and rental cars etc. if people wanna spend money they can just give me the cash bruv. mans got bills to pay. 

got you covered there brother.

 

[ShiaMan14]

18 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

I told her i'm coming, and now i don't know how to back out. I think I may be overthinking and overcomplicating this. And yeah she keeps saying 'how can you not be there on your childhood friend's big day,' and then I feel so guilty!

Mixed gathering, alcohol and probably music too....so definitely get in and get out as fast as you can. But do go...

[Heavenly_Silk]

She certainly shouldn't be guilt tripping you! If a friend did that to me, I probably wouldnt go. However, you know your friend and the situation better than us, weigh up the pros and cons. If you've told her that you're already going then as @repenter said you could attend briefly and leave. It's a difficult one these days, I was in a similar situation recently and I went with the intention of keeping ties with these people (sunni family). I got there pretty early, showed my face and was able to leave before the haram started, Alhumdulilah.
 

[DigitalUmmah]

2 minutes ago, shiaman14 said:

got you covered there brother.

 

[Marbles]

Mixed gathering should be fine as long as you attend with minimum hijab. As for drinks, it's a problem. Ideally, you should avoid going. Practically speaking, stay away from the stuff as much as possible. Find a safe corner and a non-drinker for company.

This is the advice I'd give my sister.

Go.

[notme]

Show up for the wedding itself, then afterwards when they start the reception and the drink serving, quietly skip out before it gets uncomfortable. 

Explain why to your friend. Tell her you are there because you care about her, but you aren't willing to stay long because there is drinking and all that nonsense going on. 

[Irfani313]

That's not the kind of people you want to befriend with who see no problem in alcohol in anywhere, wedding or no wedding.

As far as music, dancing, and more, wedding functions like these are one the biggest occasions of zana in Islamic countries, because young men and women are all dressed up, there is flirt in the air, and then things go bad from there.

I would recommend telling her that going to her wedding would be like going to an open air bar, and that you don't feel comfortable around bars, hence you won't show up, then don't show up.

If the friendship is indeed that important, go in the middle of the wedding, not in the beginning and not in the end for sure, say salam, congratulate, and leave.

We've already cut short a couple of weddings already due to just music and dancing. They didn't serve alcohol. 

 

[Hassan-]

3 minutes ago, Irfani313 said:

That's not the kind of people you want to befriend with who see no problem in alcohol in anywhere, wedding or no wedding.

As far as music, dancing, and more, wedding functions like these are one the biggest occasions of zana in Islamic countries, because young men and women are all dressed up, there is flirt in the air, and then things go bad from there.

I would recommend telling her that going to her wedding would be like going to an open air bar, and that you don't feel comfortable around bars, hence you won't show up, then don't show up.

If the friendship is indeed that important, go in the middle of the wedding, not in the beginning and not in the end for sure, say salam, congratulate, and leave.

We've already cut short a couple of weddings already due to just music and dancing. They didn't serve alcohol. 

 

^ this

If your friend knows you don't drink alcohol or listen to music, why would she even invite you to such events and get mad at you for not attending?

[realizm]

If she is your best friend, is there a way she can arrange you a non drinking space, make sure you stay in decent company at all times and other precautions ? 

If they are a shia family, even secular, chances are hujaj will be there, right?

[Soldiers and Saffron]

Why would you decide to have such a best friend?

There is not a lack of humans on earth!

[A true Sunni]

6 hours ago, Pearl178 said:

lol. it will probably still happen considering how much my friend's father is spending on the wedding..he'll be like to hell with the groom ha.  and guess what he's spending most on? yep...

and this is a shia family btw. no wonder the appearance isn't happening.

 

 

Its shocking that alcohol is to be served at a Muslim wedding. Personally I would just say  'i will not be attending because alcohol is being served at a 'muslim wedding'.

If enough people express their displeasure he wont serve alcohol. 

You have to use psychology to overturn this reprehensible act    

[Pearl178]

I was double minded about going but after reading the majority of posts on here that I should attend for a bit and leave I had decided to go to at least see her come in and congratulate her then leave. Slight update though: last night my sister-in-law's aunt passed away. This aunt of hers (may Allah have mercy on her soul) was like a second mother to my sister in law and sis in law was extremely devastated. The wedding is tonight so I thought it would very disrespectful to my sister in law and her family if I did end up going considering her aunt only passed away yesterday. My sister in law is a sister to me, I'm very close to her, add to that she's been living with us for many years now. Also, someone who had attended the wedding told us out that there was an open bar and every table had a bottle of wine on it (from the start). Three different bands and whatnot. 

@IbnSina not my fault that @starlight and @Heavenly_Silk are too busy for me! 

[notme]

My condolences to your sister in law, but I'm glad you were able to avoid the discomfort of attending the wedding. 

It's a difficult situation that your friend put you in. 

[Pearl178]

4 hours ago, notme said:

My condolences to your sister in law, but I'm glad you were able to avoid the discomfort of attending the wedding. 

It's a difficult situation that your friend put you in. 

Thanks

Yeah I was almost going to go even after the thing with my sis in law. Thank god mum knocked some sense into me  telling me that bro's wife is more important than any friend. 

Anyways, I'm gonna give her some time. Hopefully go see her and congratulate her once she's back from her honeymoon

[Heavenly_Silk]

51 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

last night my sister-in-law's aunt passed away

Condolences sis, may Allah (s.w.t) grant her a place amongst his chosen ones.

53 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

Also, someone who had attended the wedding told us out that there was an open bar and every table had a bottle of wine on it (from the start). Three different bands and whatnot. 

I didn't realise it was going to be this bad : / Defo no alcohol at any Muslim weddings I've been invited to, anyways Alhumdulilah you are not going.

55 minutes ago, Pearl178 said:

@IbnSina not my fault that @starlight and @Heavenly_Silk are too busy for me!

I am always here for you, just call my name!

[Guest]

@Pearl178 Not busy, I just decided to bite my tongue here. I didn't want to end up saying something which might be hurtful. 

Condolences on your Bhabi's aunt's demise. May Allah do her maghfirat. 

[sayed.mohammad.tadrisi]

go to the wedding congratulate her on her wedding at the door and explain why you shouldn't participate the ceremony completely and ask her to forgive u she`ll understand u don`t worry

[Soldiers and Saffron]

23 hours ago, Pearl178 said:

I was double minded about going but after reading the majority of posts on here that I should attend for a bit and leave I had decided to go to at least see her come in and congratulate her then leave. Slight update though: last night my sister-in-law's aunt passed away. This aunt of hers (may Allah have mercy on her soul) was like a second mother to my sister in law and sis in law was extremely devastated. The wedding is tonight so I thought it would very disrespectful to my sister in law and her family if I did end up going considering her aunt only passed away yesterday. My sister in law is a sister to me, I'm very close to her, add to that she's been living with us for many years now. Also, someone who had attended the wedding told us out that there was an open bar and every table had a bottle of wine on it (from the start). Three different bands and whatnot. 

@IbnSina not my fault that @starlight and @Heavenly_Silk are too busy for me! 

SubhanAllah, its fascinating to see chains of events intervene with each other like that. I think it is very good that you did not go, we must stay true to ourselves before we stay true to others.

Even if you try talking to your so called best friend when shes back, I doubt she will be much understanding and will probably get upset either way. If she was understanding then she would not have insisted on inviting you considering the haram circumstances and putting ultimatums on you knowing that you take your religion seriously. There is a word for people who reason like that and it is selfish.

People change with time and grow in different directions, like the branches of a tree some branches reach up and blossom, some branches hang loose, no blossom, no fruit, and some are not even branches, they are roots, grower further down. Some times its just better to find people more like minded, that will help you grow and blossom rather than to cling to the past which holds you back from development. Time is short, your sister in laws aunt knows this.

InshaAllah it was kheyr and inshaAllah it will be kheyr. 

My condolences for your sorrow and may Allah swt bless your sister in laws aunt by the haqq of Muhammad(S) and Ahle Muhammad(S)!

[LeftCoastMom]

On March 7, 2017 at 11:03 AM, notme said:

Show up for the wedding itself, then afterwards when they start the reception and the drink serving, quietly skip out before it gets uncomfortable. 

Explain why to your friend. Tell her you are there because you care about her, but you aren't willing to stay long because there is drinking and all that nonsense going on. 

Ummm...okay, why is there booze at a Muslim wedding?

Reason for asking:

As you know, there are some denominations of Christians that forbid alcohol. I've been to many weddings and receptions of friends belonging to those churches.

Even if the bride and/or groom personally break the rules, their church does not. There is zero alcohol anywhere for the  wedding festivities. Now, the friends of the young folks can go out after everything is over and celebrate however they like, but that is different.

The pastor, the grandparents, the aunties and uncles of the couple  would have an absolute Jersey cow if there was a bottle of wine on the tables in the reception hall. Since  Christians of varying denominations often attend each others' weddings, these folks could almost be forgiven for accommodating folks of other traditions, but they do not. You'll be drinking non-alcoholic punch all day and all night long and you'll be happy to do so.

I didn't think ANY stripe of Muslim drank...so I'm a bit confused.

[notme]

@LeftCoastMom Muslims don't drink alcohol, but some muslims do, same as Christians don't have extramarital sex, but some christians do. It's a sin, but not enough of a sin to excommunicate them for it. 

Edited March 11, 2017 by notme

[LeftCoastMom]

^ Okay,but they aren't having sex on the tables at a wedding! Lol. (At least no nuptials I ever attended.)

As I pointed out in my example for the Christians....a wedding is a communal event. Even if individual members of a congregation in their private lives break the rules, that doesn't mean the ceremonies of the wedding do. The community would not approve.

[notme]

9 minutes ago, LeftCoastMom said:

^ Okay,but they aren't having sex on the tables at a wedding! 

But they do cohabitate, and people who disagree with it ignore it.

[LeftCoastMom]

^ Yes, but that is still a private matter. 

I'm not passing judgment, I'm just wondering about the mechanics of how-do-you-get-away-with-that  in a communal public setting of a religious group that does not drink.

I suppose Muslims are just more tolerant of those things?

(When I first read the topic, I assumed the OP was invited to a non-Muslim wedding. )

 

Edited March 11, 2017 by LeftCoastMom

[A true Sunni]

On 3/11/2017 at 4:02 PM, LeftCoastMom said:

^ Okay,but they aren't having sex on the tables at a wedding! Lol. (At least no nuptials I ever attended.)

As I pointed out in my example for the Christians....a wedding is a communal event. Even if individual members of a congregation in their private lives break the rules, that doesn't mean the ceremonies of the wedding do. The community would not approve.

We havent spoken before , but I think you said you are a granny and I congratulate you for that.

I think what sister Pearl was talking about is the reception at a hotel or venue. The actual marriage ceremony would have been conducted by a priest who wasnt invited to the reception.

I agree with you that it is shocking that a muslim reception has alcohol served at it. In the past I have heard of muslim receptions where the men will go off and get drunk.

I can only relate my own experience may years ago with my father.

He told a father of the bride for a muslim wedding he wouldnt attend the wedding unless he it was guaranteed that no alcohol would be served. The father of the bride refused to serve alcohol and I was very amused to hear the muttered remarks about my father banning alcohol.

The second was with a Sikh father of the bride . My father said he would make a token appearance but the family would not attend. In a move that is still commented on today the Sikh father of the bride banned alcohol from the wedding.

It takes great courage and principles to do this. Maybe we all need to take a stance to stamp this out    

But with the reawakening of Islam this was dying out . I can only imagine that they are relapsed muslims who are just having a token 'Nikah' .

I was at a muslim wedding recently where there wasn't alcohol but someone queried whether it was halal meat !!!

I dont know what the world is coming to

[Hussein04]

Show up. Give her a gift and leave when they start serving alcohol.

[LeftCoastMom]

^ Hello there! Thanks for the congrats and the answer.

I had decided Not to press it anymore so as not to step on toes.

Yes, I understood  the issue was about the reception. It's the same issue with denominations of Christians that officially don't allow alcohol ( some Baptists,etc.) . There is no booze at the reception  because plenty of  family members would behave exactly like your Dad.

It's the community policing itself.

Everyone attending knows there will be no alcohol, whether they are a member of that denomination or not. Just the way it is.

Although I belong to a Church that doesn't forbid it in moderation ( drinking to excess is forbidden to all Christians) , I never have felt that alcohol was necessary to enjoy a wedding. 

[j.angel]

I think you should go and make sure she sees you and when you notice things are getting out of hand in the middle of the night, slip away. But don't tell her that you left because thats the only part she'll focus on. 

Personally I don't think theres anything wrong with you going simply because theres alcohol. There's alcohol in almost every single restaurant in the city, but I just walk in and do my own thing. That's not something you can control plus you're not going to be drinking or talking to anyone. 

Go for an hour or two and then go home. And if you can bring a friend with you so you two can chat the entire time there, then that would be better.