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Depressed in a sexless marriage

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Guest Anonymous

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

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17 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

Salam, this is a tricky one as I know people who have gone through this, some with happy ending, others not. 

I can't and will not give any specific advice other than asking, due to the importance of the issue, and unless someone is an expert or has personal experience in a successful approach, they should tread carefully when giving advice.

All i can say is that it would be an idea to talk to him and explain your needs as well, and ask him to go to doc, if not at least explain why he doesn't go.

Other than that i suggest asking a proffessional for help, which could be an expert in the field, a sheikh you trust or something similar.

I wish you the best and whatever is Khair inshallah

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Assalamun alaikum

According to me first of all you should get confirmed whether your husband is straight or not. This is the reason in most of these type problems. Secondly you should trying finding the reason behind this behaviour of your husband. No offence but there can be any affair or something of that sort. Next you should take him to the doctor with you by describing your problem to him. If he doesn't go to a doc you should go to a doc on yourself and try to figure out the reason. I'm sorry if I sounded offensive.

May god help you.

Wassalamun alaikum.

 

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Stress, lack of sleep, and health issues can all interfere with normal urges, but even without the urge he can pretend for the sake of his wife. (Yes, men can do that.)

First, talk with him. Explain your frustration. Find out what can be done at home to help.

Then, he needs to see a doctor to rule out or treat any medical condition.

If that doesn't work out he won't try to fix the problem, there really aren't many good options available. I'd agree with @repenter, discuss with a preferably Muslim marriage counselor or a sheikh who you trust, even if he won't go along.

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9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

What's the age difference between your husband and yourself?

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

Sounds like he's either gay or cheating on you. Either way its not a good sign. Whatever the reason is the bottom line is that he's just not interested in you anymore unfortunately.

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Is there any solution to my problem?

Find out the reason as to why he doesn't feel attracted to you anymore and then you can take the appropriate step.

  1. If he's gay then you'll prob be able to stay "married" to him since he'll either want to keep it hidden or he hasn't even realized it yet.
  2. If he's cheating on you well then you're going to need to decide if you want to stay with him in a sexless marriage for the sake of your kids or if you want to move on with your life.

 

 

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3 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Doesnt the man have a time based obligation in which he HAS to have sex with his wife at least once?

According to US law if you don't have sex for 6 months you can file for a divorce.

Not sure what the Islamic ruling is.

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1 minute ago, Akbar673 said:

According to US law if you don't have sex for 6 months you can file for a divorce.

Not sure what the Islamic ruling is.

Hah, I had no idea! 

I found the islamic answer:

"It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right."

https://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi/days-and-times-sex

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To those who guess he may not be straight: Homosexuality isn't a barrier for him not to search or explore any solution. That is lack of initiative, which is rather solved discussing things openly and honestly. I believe whether he has attraction to you or not, trust and honesty is a must, and that has nothing to do with any medical or psyhological condition. Thus, you may lack sexual drive yet still fulfill your duties towards your wife. At least for the sake of Allah.

I hope you can both find a solution and live a happy marriage by trusting each other and Allah.

Edited by Bakir

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Guest Anonymous Poster

From Poster:

I have discussed this on numerous occassions with him and I have told him exactly how I feel but he does not care.

We have argued and I have gone to sleep crying feeling rejected.

All he can say to me is sex doesn’t interest him anymore but he still loves me and if I'm not happy to get a divorce.

His urges stopped over 3 years ago and we have only slept together about 4 times in the 3 years.

He definitely isn't gay, as he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

There is a 10 year age gap between us. I am still very young and I always look after myself, health and body.

I can't live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no intimacy, I crave it daily but I also don't want to break up my marriage as I don't want to destroy my kids lives.

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45 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

 he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

This is probably the problem! Pornography ruins real world sex for its addicts. 

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9 hours ago, IbnSina said:

Hah, I had no idea! 

I found the islamic answer:

"It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right."

https://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi/days-and-times-sex

Thank you, but once every four months means thrice a year. Still far less than what a healthy young person would want.

The above ruling is more practical where husbands lives in another city for work etc. 

To the OP sis that's a very difficult situation to be in. I wish there was a some solution that I could suggest. Getting him off pornography won't be easy.Even though this is valid grounds for divorce I won't suggest you divorce him. The only thing you can do is Sabr, start reading salat ul layl and find things  that will keep you occupied and make you feel good.

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

From Poster:

I have discussed this on numerous occassions with him and I have told him exactly how I feel but he does not care.

We have argued and I have gone to sleep crying feeling rejected.

All he can say to me is sex doesn’t interest him anymore but he still loves me and if I'm not happy to get a divorce.

His urges stopped over 3 years ago and we have only slept together about 4 times in the 3 years.

He definitely isn't gay, as he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

There is a 10 year age gap between us. I am still very young and I always look after myself, health and body.

I can't live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no intimacy, I crave it daily but I also don't want to break up my marriage as I don't want to destroy my kids lives.

I am no one to judge but I feel pornography is the problem. Pornography gives men false expectations and he has probably looked at it for so many years, that he finds real sex not comparable to the sex in porn sites. 

Porn is very harmful for your brain and can change the way a person views sex. You don't deserve a porn addict (like you said he looks at naked women). I suggest you ask him if he is willing to give this addiction up.

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Guest Anonymous Poster

I have asked him to seek professional help but like I said, he doesn’t care.

I've asked him about the porn and he also said that it no longer interests him either. But I know for a fact he continues to look at naked women.

I have been patient for the past 3-4 years and have occupied myself with my health.

Sometimes I feel like he may have someone else in his life, as he has cheated in the past.

 

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43 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

Sometimes I feel like he may have someone else in his life, as he has cheated in the past.

This is a really unhealthy relationship. Porn, cheating, and no intimacy? You should bluntly tell him that the lack of intimacy is harming your relationship, and that you won't put up with it for the rest of your life.

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He should see a doctor as he nay suffer from an illness, but as long as he fulfills his obligation (atleast once every four months) then it should be all good, from a jurisprudential point of view.

I also advise you to talk him out of committing disgusting sins like watching evil films and pictures.

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Guest Anonymous Poster
3 hours ago, E.L King said:

He should see a doctor as he nay suffer from an illness, but as long as he fulfills his obligation (atleast once every four months) then it should be all good, from a jurisprudential point of view.

I also advise you to talk him out of committing disgusting sins like watching evil films and pictures.

He told me that he went and saw a doctor and the doc told him to go back to him in a few months to see if the problem is still the same.

He said that nothing is medically wrong with him.

It doesn't happen once every 4 months. Like I said before, in 3 years its only happened about 4 times.

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

Thank you, but once every four months means thrice a year. Still far less than what a healthy young person would want.

The above ruling is more practical where husbands lives in another city for work etc. 

To the OP sis that's a very difficult situation to be in. I wish there was a some solution that I could suggest. Getting him off pornography won't be easy.Even though this is valid grounds for divorce I won't suggest you divorce him. The only thing you can do is Sabr, start reading salat ul layl and find things  that will keep you occupied and make you feel good.

 

That is true, but 3 times a year is still far more than 4 times in 3 years, also I believe the idea is that the husband will realize that all women are the same and that the result of having sex is the same, so that he may focus on other more important things in his short life span and stop chasing women x and women y and women z.

 

Anyways, good luck OP, inshaAllah you situation will improve.

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There's not really much the OP can do.

Maybe instead of focusing on physical intimacy, work on emotional intimacy with her husband. At least if emotional intimacy improves she won't feel so lonely, and maybe it will lead to him realizing that he doesn't want to hurt or lose his wife so after a while he might take steps to improve himself.

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Guest Anonymous poster
9 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Was his Testosterone level checked ?

Low Testosterone levels diminish a man's libido.

His Testosterone levels were checked 3 years ago and they were low, he was meant to get monthly boosters but stopped after the 2nd one.

And now 3 years on, he got them tested again and they have gone up and doesn't require any booster.

He claims that he still doesn't have a libido and no matter what I do or try to initate intamcy, it just doesn’t do anything for him.

There is no affection shown. I've gotten to a point where I've given up all hope and it's slowly changing my feelings and attraction towards him. 

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13 hours ago, Guest Anonymous poster said:

There is no affection shown. I've gotten to a point where I've given up all hope and it's slowly changing my feelings and attraction towards him. 

Might be time for you to decide what you want to do next. Weigh your options. Consider the children and make a decision on what comes next.

Unfortunately, your situation is more than just lack of intimacy from him. I would suggest you keep an eye on your finances. He's either cheating on you with a permanent other woman or he's frequenting "temporary" women. If he's always looking at porn then he's getting his satisfaction from someone else other than you. 

Bottom line is he's not physically attracted to you anymore. Best to determine what you want to do next but it's safe to assume you're not going to feel any intimacy from him from here on out of any significance.

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