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In the Name of God بسم الله

Depressed in a sexless marriage

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17 hours ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

I've been married for approx 15 years with 4 kids (I married at a young age).

I am a very fit and healthy woman who is a size 6. My body hasn't changed in the 15 years and if it has its for the better.

I always get told that i don't look a day over 20 and a mother of 4 kids.

He adores his kids and plays a big role in their lives.

 

I'm happy to hear this. Anyway, to be honest i think you and your partner needs professional help.

Good luck and May Allah swt bring happiness to your family.

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  • 4 years later...
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Sexless marriages are more common than people usually think and the reasons are quite variable. There was a case when a couple consummated their marriage around more than 15 years after getting married. Another case was published in the news and the link is given below. The OP mentions her case where her husband refuses intimacy, but there are also cases where it is the wife who is the one refusing sex. This is not uncommon.

There are even Hadith which discuss this topic about wives refusing intimacy and how the angels curse her. But the important part is that if a wife refuses sex, the husband is still advised to be patient and not force his wife into it. Allah will hold her responsible for being selfish and not caring towards her husband, but still the husband is instructed to show very high morals by not being forcecul.

This happened with the Prophet (s) himself. He got married to a woman but Ayesha was jealous. She persuaded her to get divorce. When the Prophet (s) asked her to offer herself to him, she refused. The Prophet (s) accepted her wish and sent her back. This indicates that when the wife refuses intimacy, the best husband will gently leave her to herself instead of being forcecul.

Now what is the degree of strength and will-power and self-control and resilience does a man need to suppress his sexual desire, for months or years, when he is in a marriage with a woman who has always categorically refused sex. One can say that men have the options of divorcing her, get a second wife or do mutah...but practically none of this may be possible. Sometimes, men have to live a sexless married life which a test of lifelong sexual patience for them. Being unmarried and resisting sins is difficult but even more difficult is when you have your wife with you but still have to spend years trying to battle the sexual urge and not commit any sexual sin. Following in the footsteps of the Prophet (s),the husband should request the wife to offer herself to him. If she goes on declining, then Allah will reward the husband for his extreme patience while the woman would have to answer for her extreme selfishness. 

Sometimes, the woman suffers from medical conditions which make it difficult to have sex and the issue remains undiagnosed for years, like the case below. But at other times, the wife just suffers from extreme hypoactive sexual desire and is a touch-me-not type of wife and that is a huge challenge for the husband. 

https://www.muslimworldtoday.org/six_years_in_a_sexless_marriage_taught_me_how_badly_we_need_to_talk_about_sex

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On 3/7/2017 at 7:02 PM, Guest Anonymous said:

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

Is he a religious person ? Also how old is he? Men after 30s experience a really diminished libido to the point that it can be non existent and becomes like a chore and declined towards it completely 

also another thing I want to say from a male perspective, intimacy is very taxing on our bodies especially after 30s where it makes u weak, slow , even in pain and extremely tired and really a punishment on the body , so hence men tend to become distant from it , almost like ur walking into a physical beating in a boxing ring , and it gets worse as u get older , I’m 35 and I avoid it (halal of course) because participation in it causes me to suffer for a week afterwards like constantly tired, weak, in pain , flares up old sports in my knees , injuries in back , pain , even affects me mentally where I become forgetful and drops my mental function, so me too I avoid it as much as I can until I’m kinda force into it for her (halal of course) and even then I try to keep it minimal 

Edited by theEndIsNear
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2 hours ago, theEndIsNear said:

even affects me mentally where I become forgetful and drops my mental function, so me too I avoid it as much as I can

I'm not sure how authentic but there are some narrations where Imam Ali (عليه السلام) is reported to have advised to not engage is excessive sex because it can be deterimental for health - and something like... if one engages in less sex, it will prolong life. But then I'm not sure of exact words or meaning. 

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1 hour ago, Azadar-e-Ali said:

I'm not sure how authentic but there are some narrations where Imam Ali (عليه السلام) is reported to have advised to not engage is excessive sex because it can be deterimental for health - and something like... if one engages in less sex, it will prolong life. But then I'm not sure of exact words or meaning. 

It doesn’t take a Hadith to realise this, as men get older intimacy is quiet detrimental to our health , when you think about it , intimacy is for making children shouldn’t be a tool for pleasure , find your pleasure in prayer instead 

Edited by theEndIsNear
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6 hours ago, theEndIsNear said:

when you think about it , intimacy is for making children shouldn’t be a tool for pleasure , find your pleasure in prayer instead 

Wrong. Halal Sexual intimacy is a great thing Islamically. It's a means of getting closer to God. It's something to take pleasure in, celebrate, and thank God for. Go research Islam's stance on Sex on al-islam.org 

https://www.al-islam.org/marriage-and-morals-islam-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/chapter-two-islamic-sexual-morality-1-its-foundation#defining-islamic-view

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Posted (edited)
On 3/7/2017 at 8:36 PM, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

 

He definitely isn't gay, as he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

 

I am guessing that this is the problem. One of the main reasons why pornography and looking at these kinds of images is haram. One of the things it does it to de sensitize a man to the point where, if he doesn't stop, he cannot get aroused by normal things, like relations with his wife, and must seek more and more extreme forms of imagery to get aroused. Many times, this leds to more haram acts like zina, seeing prostitutes', etc. It can also lead to other, more extreme things which I don't want to mention. 

I am not saying this is the case with him, and it may not be the case, since I don't know anything about your situation, besides the few facts that you have posted. Some men just look at these very infrequently, often by accident (i.e. they pop up on their phone because of malware) or they look at them and then seek forgiveness from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)  and try not to do it again and this does not apply to them. The main way you can tell if there is a problem  is thru tracking his finances. It may seem strange but this is the only way you can tell for sure. All these 'services' cost money, and some are quite expensive. If you see large amounts of money disappearing and he is not willing to explain to you what happened, or his explanation does not make sense, then this is big red flag and I would actually think about getting about a divorce at that point. I am hoping this is not the case. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help you. Salam. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Posted (edited)
11 hours ago, AStruggler said:

Halal Sexual intimacy is a great thing Islamically. It's a means of getting closer to God. It's something to take pleasure in, celebrate, and thank God for. 

Yes but that all depends on marital status. When someone is married, then sexual intimacy is a pleasure and a means of getting closer to God.

But for an unmarried man it's the exact opposite. For him, getting sexual pleasure of any sort at all, in any way at all, is absolutely forbidden, dangerous, destructive, shameful, disgusting, unnatural and results in severe displeasure of Allah and is the reason for his wrath and anger. For unmarried men, sexual urge is not pleasure - it is a divine test of extreme patience, struggle, hardship and immense will-power and self-control to abolish the sexual urge to so low level that sexual urge is not satisfied in any way. Sexual desire is not meant to give any comfort and pleasure to unmarried people, it is designed to test how much can they limit and suppress and curb their natural desires. That is the way to get closer to Allah if someone is unmarried. The more he kills his natural desire in order to stay away from sin, the closer he will get to Allah. 

It's similar to the practice of celibacy in other religions. The only difference is that they do it for lifetime, while in Islam it is till the time when some gets married. Otherwise, practically pre-marital abstinence in Islam appears to be the same as life-long celibacy in Christianity. The intentions are different but the ground reality of the need to suppress the sexual instinct is same between unmarried muslims and celibate monks. 

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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11 hours ago, AStruggler said:

Wrong. Halal Sexual intimacy is a great thing Islamically. It's a means of getting closer to God. It's something to take pleasure in, celebrate, and thank God for. Go research Islam's stance on Sex on al-islam.org 

https://www.al-islam.org/marriage-and-morals-islam-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi/chapter-two-islamic-sexual-morality-1-its-foundation#defining-islamic-view

Sex getting closer to God? Surely u have to pray night vigil and prayer , I’ve had sex halal and I’ve done night vigil, and the two are at opposite world ends 

Edited by theEndIsNear
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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, theEndIsNear said:

Sex getting closer to God?

Yes. It gets you closer to God because Allah is One and independent and in no need of any partner. And He wants every other thing to be His opposite, so that nobody can match him in his oneness. As He himself has no partner, therefore He wants us to have partners so that we can be the opposite of Him. That's why celibacy is disliked in Islam because Allah detests people who try to copy Him by staying single. That's why he has created everything in pairs, humans, animals, even non living things have been made by him in pairs. That's why marriage is so highly recommend because when a man gets a woman as his partner, he declares that he needs a partner while Allah needs nobody. Oneness is Allah's pride. He does not like humans (or any other creation) to try to even mimick him by trying to get this quality.  In fact, Allah does not like anyone, or anything to be single like Him to the point that He has created even fruits in pairs. 

فِيهِمَا مِن كُلِّ فَـٰكِهَةٍ زَوْجَانِ

"In them (both) will be every kind of fruit in pairs." (55:52)

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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7 minutes ago, Azadar-e-Ali said:

Yes. It gets you closer to God because Allah is One and independent and in no need of any partner. And He wants every other thing to be His opposite, so that nobody can match him in his oneness. As He himself has no partner, therefore He wants us to have partners so that we can be the opposite of Him. That's why celibacy is disliked in Islam because Allah detests people who try to copy Him by staying single. That's why he has created everything in pairs, humans, animals, even non living things have been made by him in pairs. That's why marriage is so highly recommend because when a man gets a woman as his partner, he declares that he needs a partner while Allah needs nobody. Oneness is Allah's pride. He does not like humans (or any other creation) to try to even mimick him by trying to get this quality. 

I wasn’t promoting celibacy I was just saying sex causes me pain in halal relationships it causes my old injuries to flare up and causes me to feel tired and weak and affects my mentality and causes me to need more sleep and eat more and makes me lazy and gives me back pain for a few days afterwards, and I’m not some fat unhealthy overweight guy, I’m 35 I train regular (cardio)go to work regular etc and for me I’m more productive more efficient in daily life without sex , maybe ur younger hence ur experience is different 

I was just trying to explain that maybe the reason this lady is finding her partner not be very sexually active is same reason I am not sexually active ie old age and the way it affects my body afterwards cause I tell you it’s not pleasant it’s like I’ve been hit by a car afterwards the following days 

and just to reiterate this is only in my 30s since 32 I’ve noticed this , prior to this age it wasn’t like this 

Edited by theEndIsNear
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I'm older than you but I understand what you are saying. I was just expressing a general opinion - of course, individual variations and likes and dislikes and preferences do exist and are perfectly understandable. 

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Just now, Azadar-e-Ali said:

I'm older than you but I understand what you are saying. I was just expressing a general opinion - of course, individual variations and likes and dislikes and preferences do exist and are perfectly understandable. 

I’m just explaining how old age has affected that experience for me , maybe it varies person to person , and maybe her partner experiences it the same way as I do, it’s unpleasant has consequences on my body and I’m declined towards it cause the suffering afterwards is not worth it 

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Posted (edited)

Yes. If sexual intimacy causes distress and pain (emotional or physical) and is not a means of pleasure, then Islam doesn't force people to have intimacy. In fact, there are many married couples who simply do not engage in any sexual intimacy at all, for years and years. Their reasons can be valid and legitimate and if there is mutual agreement between the spouses that they wish to lead even a sexless life, that is allowed.

Even the rules state that a wife is not allowed to refuse her husband to have sex unless it is very difficult for her to do so. Same goes for men. This indicates that for some people, sexual intimacy can be extremely difficult. They have a right to not engage in any sexual intimacy or to do it as minimum as possible. 

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali
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2 hours ago, Azadar-e-Ali said:

Yes. If sexual intimacy causes distress and pain (emotional or physical) and is not a means of pleasure, then Islam doesn't force people to have intimacy. In fact, there are many married couples who simply do not engage in any sexual intimacy at all, for years and years. Their reasons can be valid and legitimate and if there is mutual agreement between the spouses that they wish to lead even a sexless life, that is allowed.

Even the rules state that a wife is not allowed to refuse her husband to have sex unless it is very difficult for her to do so. Same goes for men. This indicates that for some people, sexual intimacy can be extremely difficult. They have a right to not engage in any sexual intimacy or to do it as minimum as possible. 

This wasn’t about me I was just suggesting to OP why her partner might possibly be not interested,nevertheless 

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