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In the Name of God بسم الله

Depressed in a sexless marriage

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Guest Anonymous

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

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17 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

Salam, this is a tricky one as I know people who have gone through this, some with happy ending, others not. 

I can't and will not give any specific advice other than asking, due to the importance of the issue, and unless someone is an expert or has personal experience in a successful approach, they should tread carefully when giving advice.

All i can say is that it would be an idea to talk to him and explain your needs as well, and ask him to go to doc, if not at least explain why he doesn't go.

Other than that i suggest asking a proffessional for help, which could be an expert in the field, a sheikh you trust or something similar.

I wish you the best and whatever is Khair inshallah

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Assalamun alaikum

According to me first of all you should get confirmed whether your husband is straight or not. This is the reason in most of these type problems. Secondly you should trying finding the reason behind this behaviour of your husband. No offence but there can be any affair or something of that sort. Next you should take him to the doctor with you by describing your problem to him. If he doesn't go to a doc you should go to a doc on yourself and try to figure out the reason. I'm sorry if I sounded offensive.

May god help you.

Wassalamun alaikum.

 

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Stress, lack of sleep, and health issues can all interfere with normal urges, but even without the urge he can pretend for the sake of his wife. (Yes, men can do that.)

First, talk with him. Explain your frustration. Find out what can be done at home to help.

Then, he needs to see a doctor to rule out or treat any medical condition.

If that doesn't work out he won't try to fix the problem, there really aren't many good options available. I'd agree with @repenter, discuss with a preferably Muslim marriage counselor or a sheikh who you trust, even if he won't go along.

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9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

What's the age difference between your husband and yourself?

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

Sounds like he's either gay or cheating on you. Either way its not a good sign. Whatever the reason is the bottom line is that he's just not interested in you anymore unfortunately.

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Is there any solution to my problem?

Find out the reason as to why he doesn't feel attracted to you anymore and then you can take the appropriate step.

  1. If he's gay then you'll prob be able to stay "married" to him since he'll either want to keep it hidden or he hasn't even realized it yet.
  2. If he's cheating on you well then you're going to need to decide if you want to stay with him in a sexless marriage for the sake of your kids or if you want to move on with your life.

 

 

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3 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Doesnt the man have a time based obligation in which he HAS to have sex with his wife at least once?

According to US law if you don't have sex for 6 months you can file for a divorce.

Not sure what the Islamic ruling is.

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1 minute ago, Akbar673 said:

According to US law if you don't have sex for 6 months you can file for a divorce.

Not sure what the Islamic ruling is.

Hah, I had no idea! 

I found the islamic answer:

"It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right."

https://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi/days-and-times-sex

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To those who guess he may not be straight: Homosexuality isn't a barrier for him not to search or explore any solution. That is lack of initiative, which is rather solved discussing things openly and honestly. I believe whether he has attraction to you or not, trust and honesty is a must, and that has nothing to do with any medical or psyhological condition. Thus, you may lack sexual drive yet still fulfill your duties towards your wife. At least for the sake of Allah.

I hope you can both find a solution and live a happy marriage by trusting each other and Allah.

Edited by Bakir
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Guest Anonymous Poster

From Poster:

I have discussed this on numerous occassions with him and I have told him exactly how I feel but he does not care.

We have argued and I have gone to sleep crying feeling rejected.

All he can say to me is sex doesn’t interest him anymore but he still loves me and if I'm not happy to get a divorce.

His urges stopped over 3 years ago and we have only slept together about 4 times in the 3 years.

He definitely isn't gay, as he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

There is a 10 year age gap between us. I am still very young and I always look after myself, health and body.

I can't live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no intimacy, I crave it daily but I also don't want to break up my marriage as I don't want to destroy my kids lives.

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9 hours ago, IbnSina said:

Hah, I had no idea! 

I found the islamic answer:

"It is wajib on man to have sex with his wife at least once in every four months; this is considered as one of the conjugal rights of the wife. This obligation stays in force unless there is a valid excuse or the wife waives her right."

https://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi/days-and-times-sex

Thank you, but once every four months means thrice a year. Still far less than what a healthy young person would want.

The above ruling is more practical where husbands lives in another city for work etc. 

To the OP sis that's a very difficult situation to be in. I wish there was a some solution that I could suggest. Getting him off pornography won't be easy.Even though this is valid grounds for divorce I won't suggest you divorce him. The only thing you can do is Sabr, start reading salat ul layl and find things  that will keep you occupied and make you feel good.

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4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

From Poster:

I have discussed this on numerous occassions with him and I have told him exactly how I feel but he does not care.

We have argued and I have gone to sleep crying feeling rejected.

All he can say to me is sex doesn’t interest him anymore but he still loves me and if I'm not happy to get a divorce.

His urges stopped over 3 years ago and we have only slept together about 4 times in the 3 years.

He definitely isn't gay, as he looks at naked woman all the time on his phone. 

There is a 10 year age gap between us. I am still very young and I always look after myself, health and body.

I can't live the rest of my life in a marriage that has no intimacy, I crave it daily but I also don't want to break up my marriage as I don't want to destroy my kids lives.

I am no one to judge but I feel pornography is the problem. Pornography gives men false expectations and he has probably looked at it for so many years, that he finds real sex not comparable to the sex in porn sites. 

Porn is very harmful for your brain and can change the way a person views sex. You don't deserve a porn addict (like you said he looks at naked women). I suggest you ask him if he is willing to give this addiction up.

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Guest Anonymous Poster

I have asked him to seek professional help but like I said, he doesn’t care.

I've asked him about the porn and he also said that it no longer interests him either. But I know for a fact he continues to look at naked women.

I have been patient for the past 3-4 years and have occupied myself with my health.

Sometimes I feel like he may have someone else in his life, as he has cheated in the past.

 

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43 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

Sometimes I feel like he may have someone else in his life, as he has cheated in the past.

This is a really unhealthy relationship. Porn, cheating, and no intimacy? You should bluntly tell him that the lack of intimacy is harming your relationship, and that you won't put up with it for the rest of your life.

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He should see a doctor as he nay suffer from an illness, but as long as he fulfills his obligation (atleast once every four months) then it should be all good, from a jurisprudential point of view.

I also advise you to talk him out of committing disgusting sins like watching evil films and pictures.

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3 hours ago, E.L King said:

He should see a doctor as he nay suffer from an illness, but as long as he fulfills his obligation (atleast once every four months) then it should be all good, from a jurisprudential point of view.

I also advise you to talk him out of committing disgusting sins like watching evil films and pictures.

He told me that he went and saw a doctor and the doc told him to go back to him in a few months to see if the problem is still the same.

He said that nothing is medically wrong with him.

It doesn't happen once every 4 months. Like I said before, in 3 years its only happened about 4 times.

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10 hours ago, starlight said:

Thank you, but once every four months means thrice a year. Still far less than what a healthy young person would want.

The above ruling is more practical where husbands lives in another city for work etc. 

To the OP sis that's a very difficult situation to be in. I wish there was a some solution that I could suggest. Getting him off pornography won't be easy.Even though this is valid grounds for divorce I won't suggest you divorce him. The only thing you can do is Sabr, start reading salat ul layl and find things  that will keep you occupied and make you feel good.

 

That is true, but 3 times a year is still far more than 4 times in 3 years, also I believe the idea is that the husband will realize that all women are the same and that the result of having sex is the same, so that he may focus on other more important things in his short life span and stop chasing women x and women y and women z.

 

Anyways, good luck OP, inshaAllah you situation will improve.

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There's not really much the OP can do.

Maybe instead of focusing on physical intimacy, work on emotional intimacy with her husband. At least if emotional intimacy improves she won't feel so lonely, and maybe it will lead to him realizing that he doesn't want to hurt or lose his wife so after a while he might take steps to improve himself.

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9 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Was his Testosterone level checked ?

Low Testosterone levels diminish a man's libido.

His Testosterone levels were checked 3 years ago and they were low, he was meant to get monthly boosters but stopped after the 2nd one.

And now 3 years on, he got them tested again and they have gone up and doesn't require any booster.

He claims that he still doesn't have a libido and no matter what I do or try to initate intamcy, it just doesn’t do anything for him.

There is no affection shown. I've gotten to a point where I've given up all hope and it's slowly changing my feelings and attraction towards him. 

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13 hours ago, Guest Anonymous poster said:

There is no affection shown. I've gotten to a point where I've given up all hope and it's slowly changing my feelings and attraction towards him. 

Might be time for you to decide what you want to do next. Weigh your options. Consider the children and make a decision on what comes next.

Unfortunately, your situation is more than just lack of intimacy from him. I would suggest you keep an eye on your finances. He's either cheating on you with a permanent other woman or he's frequenting "temporary" women. If he's always looking at porn then he's getting his satisfaction from someone else other than you. 

Bottom line is he's not physically attracted to you anymore. Best to determine what you want to do next but it's safe to assume you're not going to feel any intimacy from him from here on out of any significance.

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On 3/7/2017 at 8:02 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

Hi All, 

I'm a young woman who is stuck in a sexless marriage and have been for the last few years.

My husband doesn't show me any affection.

I try so many times a day to get his attention and try to initiate intamacy but he's just not interested.

He says that he loves me but he just doesn't have any sexual urges.

He is blaming it on a medical issue but doesn’t go to the doctor to fix it.

I have become really frustrated, depressed and angry as I am in my peak and constantly crave the attention and crave intimacy. 

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Thank you

You have been married for 2 years, you have couple of youngs kids, is it possible that you may have changed physically? Considering, i'm only guessing this, that signs of pregnancy has not completely gone, and maybe thats is putting him off? Furthermore,  having kids must have been an joint venture obviously, did he show intimacy in having kids? And finally, how dose he get on with the young ones?

 

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On ‎3‎/‎8‎/‎2017 at 2:13 AM, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

I have asked him to seek professional help but like I said, he doesn’t care.

I've asked him about the porn and he also said that it no longer interests him either. But I know for a fact he continues to look at naked women.

I have been patient for the past 3-4 years and have occupied myself with my health.

Sometimes I feel like he may have someone else in his life, as he has cheated in the past.

 

@ali_fatheroforphans bro you hit it on the spot I was thinking the exact same thing when I first saw her opening post. sister if he is still looking at porn then I can almost bet my life this is what is causing it I have read about this so many times and your story is literally so textbook its a slap to my face. and this post confirms it's the problem.

here are some websites you should look at and send to your husbands way. I specifically recommend the 1st one for hard science but the 2nd one is good if you look nice colors and have a bad attention span.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/

http://learn.ftnd.org/

 

 

Edited by Al Hadi
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On 3/7/2017 at 3:02 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

Is there any solution to my problem? Do I have any options that won't involve breaking up my marriage as we have kids.

Sister, I really feel for you and I want to give you some advice with some brutal honesty. Please don't be offended as I don't know you at all.

I was very much in a similar situation with my ex-wife. She was very attractive but didn't have what I felt I needed in terms of intimacy. I didn't respect her like I should have because I felt she engaged too much in idle talk and gossip which I hated. I wanted to spend time with her doing things I want to do, not just wasting time. I wanted her to get excited about my passions and goals in life.

A woman is in a very unique position of power and submission. If you submit, you empower him. It's kind of ironic because if you are willingly being submissive then really the power is in your hands even if you make him believe it is in his hands. This is not as simple as just agreeing with a few things he wants. It gets trickier because since you are frustrated, you might be exhibiting signs of indignation like sarcasm or escalation of smaller issues. My ex-wife used to do that and I didn't understand why she did that until much later. It takes constant submission to sell that story. Over time, as he comes to trust and rely on you for that ego boost, he should come around to the intimacy part. Women, now a days, can be very intimidating, especially when you make the first moves. You can't be butch one minute and then submissive the other. My ex once said something along the lines of "I'll take you to the cleaners" over a hypothetical scenario she made up. That kind of pissed me off and it kind of made me not like her. Not saying you are doing that. Like I said, I don't know you so it's not personal.

Second, look after yourself. Get in good shape and be patient through the process. Every man likes a fit wife. Diet plans like staying far away from processed sugar, packaged foods, deep fried foods, excess fats, etc. Healthy salad like this one my son made: 

[MOD NOTE: Video of boy making salad was removed. He and/or relatives might not like to see his video in a ShiaChat topic about sex.]

For breakfast every day. For lunch, any 1 kind of fruit. Dinner, normal meal without the aforementioned items. Steer CLEAR of snacking. That is perhaps the biggest pitfall.

Get professionally made up. Nice makeup, hair, fragrance, dress, etc. Have the place clean, kids taken care of and don't nag the hubby when he gets home. Just get him his favorite things and just go on about your business. Don't put any pressure on him and let him chase you. It will take some time sister but patience will pay off Insha Allah. The fewer words you use the better. Only in intimate moments do you want to use encouraging words.

Speak softly in your daily routine. This is crucial for men who are not as aggressive.

Start with some very small things towards understanding his interests. It could be his family, his job, his hobbies, recreations, etc. Calling a family member he loves and having a pleasant chat and sending a small gift to make them happy goes a long way.

Finally, sister, I don't believe a man needs a doctor as much as a confidant. If you make him feel safe to talk to you and not throw back anything he says in his face, he will come to trust you with what is bothering him. Try to see him as a sick person who needs help. If he had a high fever, would you say "He's not working hard enough?" Many of us "normal" people have mental disorders, conditions and complexes which are rooted in our past. The more he shares, the more you can help him piece things together, thereby releasing the blockages.

Bottom line, if you make it all about him and not about you, I really think your situation can be easily reversed. I'm not an expert; I'm only sharing anecdotal experience with you. Insha Allah I sincerely pray that Allah brings the love, passion and intimacy into your marriage that you crave and keep it burning strong for the rest of your lives together. Ameen.

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Guest Anonymous Poster
7 hours ago, power said:

You have been married for 2 years, you have couple of youngs kids, is it possible that you may have changed physically? Considering, i'm only guessing this, that signs of pregnancy has not completely gone, and maybe thats is putting him off? Furthermore,  having kids must have been an joint venture obviously, did he show intimacy in having kids? And finally, how dose he get on with the young ones?

 

I've been married for approx 15 years with 4 kids (I married at a young age).

I am a very fit and healthy woman who is a size 6. My body hasn't changed in the 15 years and if it has its for the better.

I always get told that i don't look a day over 20 and a mother of 4 kids.

He adores his kids and plays a big role in their lives.

 

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4 hours ago, Umar AlFarooq said:

Sister, I really feel for you and I want to give you some advice with some brutal honesty. Please don't be offended as I don't know you at all.

I was very much in a similar situation with my ex-wife. She was very attractive but didn't have what I felt I needed in terms of intimacy. I didn't respect her like I should have because I felt she engaged too much in idle talk and gossip which I hated. I wanted to spend time with her doing things I want to do, not just wasting time. I wanted her to get excited about my passions and goals in life.

A woman is in a very unique position of power and submission. If you submit, you empower him. It's kind of ironic because if you are willingly being submissive then really the power is in your hands even if you make him believe it is in his hands. This is not as simple as just agreeing with a few things he wants. It gets trickier because since you are frustrated, you might be exhibiting signs of indignation like sarcasm or escalation of smaller issues. My ex-wife used to do that and I didn't understand why she did that until much later. It takes constant submission to sell that story. Over time, as he comes to trust and rely on you for that ego boost, he should come around to the intimacy part. Women, now a days, can be very intimidating, especially when you make the first moves. You can't be butch one minute and then submissive the other. My ex once said something along the lines of "I'll take you to the cleaners" over a hypothetical scenario she made up. That kind of pissed me off and it kind of made me not like her. Not saying you are doing that. Like I said, I don't know you so it's not personal.

Second, look after yourself. Get in good shape and be patient through the process. Every man likes a fit wife. Diet plans like staying far away from processed sugar, packaged foods, deep fried foods, excess fats, etc. Healthy salad like this one my son made: 

[MOD NOTE: Video of boy making salad was removed. He and/or relatives might not like to see his video in a ShiaChat topic about sex.]

For breakfast every day. For lunch, any 1 kind of fruit. Dinner, normal meal without the aforementioned items. Steer CLEAR of snacking. That is perhaps the biggest pitfall.

Get professionally made up. Nice makeup, hair, fragrance, dress, etc. Have the place clean, kids taken care of and don't nag the hubby when he gets home. Just get him his favorite things and just go on about your business. Don't put any pressure on him and let him chase you. It will take some time sister but patience will pay off Insha Allah. The fewer words you use the better. Only in intimate moments do you want to use encouraging words.

Speak softly in your daily routine. This is crucial for men who are not as aggressive.

Start with some very small things towards understanding his interests. It could be his family, his job, his hobbies, recreations, etc. Calling a family member he loves and having a pleasant chat and sending a small gift to make them happy goes a long way.

Finally, sister, I don't believe a man needs a doctor as much as a confidant. If you make him feel safe to talk to you and not throw back anything he says in his face, he will come to trust you with what is bothering him. Try to see him as a sick person who needs help. If he had a high fever, would you say "He's not working hard enough?" Many of us "normal" people have mental disorders, conditions and complexes which are rooted in our past. The more he shares, the more you can help him piece things together, thereby releasing the blockages.

Bottom line, if you make it all about him and not about you, I really think your situation can be easily reversed. I'm not an expert; I'm only sharing anecdotal experience with you. Insha Allah I sincerely pray that Allah brings the love, passion and intimacy into your marriage that you crave and keep it burning strong for the rest of your lives together. Ameen.

I try my best not to mention the situation to him and have kept quiet about it for the past 3 years.

I spoke to him not long ago about it and told him that I am here to support him if he has a medical issue.

I always compliment him on his looks, achievements and general aspects as a person.

I always try to initiate intimacy and affection but that doesn't even do anything for him.

He has a very strong and outgoing personality where I am a very soft and quiet person who keeps to themselves and I don't involve myself with people.

I am a size 6 and very petite. I am also very fit, healthy and really take pride in looking after myself.  I eat healthy and train everyday.

I always make sure the kids and house are in order.

He is literally the man of the house and his word is what goes.

I am starting to think that I may be the problem and over time he just seems me as the mother of kids and just a friend.

My eldest child has mentioned to a family member that they think that their father is cheating as he is very secretive and constantly hiding his phone. 

I am aware of a phone app that my husband uses that deletes and hides any calls or messages that he doesn't want anyone to see. (He doesn't know that I know about it.)

I have gotten to a stage where I am about ready to give up and not care anymore but I also think that as a woman that just hit her 30s, its unfair to spend the rest of my life like this.

Sometimes I see my situation as a test from Allah swt and that is whats getting me through it

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57 minutes ago, ShiaChat Moderator said:

Perhaps your husband fears having more children. That could be why he avoids you. 

That's definitely not the case... he loves kids and has more patience then I do. 

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2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous Poster said:

I've been married for approx 15 years with 4 kids (I married at a young age).

I am a very fit and healthy woman who is a size 6. My body hasn't changed in the 15 years and if it has its for the better.

I always get told that i don't look a day over 20 and a mother of 4 kids.

He adores his kids and plays a big role in their lives.

 

Sister did you check the websites I gave you. Give them a try text them to your husband whats the worst that can happen? It's the easiest thing you can do. You sound like a GREAT wife I hope I get one like you one day. I feel sorry for your husband because he is missing out on a great blessing in his life that he wont be able to enjoy forever. here just give these a try text these to him or email them to him or both. Here:

http://yourbrainonporn.com/

http://learn.ftnd.org/

Edited by Al Hadi
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