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In the Name of God بسم الله
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hidden_muslima

What to Ask Your Future Spouse

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Alsalam Alaykum!

So...sometime ago I got a marriage proposal from a very nice guy. We have talked four times in total, and to be honest, I really like him. I think he's a very nice guy (so far), and we have the same sense of humor. We have talked about education and about ideas for the future, and I know that he has plans and knows what he wants in life. He has finished his education, while I am in my last year of "high school". There is a six- almost seven-year age gap between us, but I don't think that's an issue (I am 20, and he is 26). 

I am just giving you some information so you know what I know. The thing is, I want to ask him questions about the future and about now and just things in general, but every time he asks me if I have a question, I forget. 

I guess my question is; do you have any questions that could be helpful to know the answer to, for someone in my place? Maybe you could write some of the questions that you have asked your spouse or fiance, that helped you make your final decision.

Thanks and Jazakum Allah Khair in advance!  

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I would ask, if they believe in magic? but that's me

I think if I am to ask someone I like or want to know more, I make a list of things that interest me, and chekc off what I don't know they feel about or have an opinion on.

for instance:

hiking
writing
reading
learning

from what you said, I know they like learning, or something to that extent, they likely enjoy reading of some kind, even if it is only Quran. so I would check off writing and hiking, and ask questions based on those subjects.

Does that help?

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3 minutes ago, Shandor said:

I would ask, if they believe in magic? but that's me

I think if I am to ask someone I like or want to know more, I make a list of things that interest me, and chekc off what I don't know they feel about or have an opinion on.

for instance:

hiking
writing
reading
learning

from what you said, I know they like learning, or something to that extent, they likely enjoy reading of some kind, even if it is only Quran. so I would check off writing and hiking, and ask questions based on those subjects.

Does that help?

 

Yeah, that actually helped a lot. 

Jazaka Allah Khair for that!

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How many children do you really want to have and how many are you open to. May seem like a funny one but believe me I have seen many people have problem with this one during a later part of life (e.g like for if a husband wants 3 or more this usually means, unless they are well off enough to hire a full time care-taker, the wife has to sacrifice her career for a few years in order to help out at home)

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I saw this post awhile ago but it seemed like legitimate questions to ask so I pinned it!

 

  • Life goals
  • Do they want to travel?
  • Children (how many, when, how to raise them)
  • Religiousness (Do they pray five times a day, do they go to mosque every Friday, do they know the history?) 
  • Can they cook? 
  • What type of food do they like?
  • Does either one want a house soon or can it wait?
  • Spending habits 
  • Hobbies
  • passion
  • Have they done hajj 
  • Are there any skeletons in either closet? (Dark secrets, no judging just ask to put it out on the table)
  • Past relationships, how far if at all have they gone with the opposite sex?
  • what do they expect an average day to look like in the household?
  • Was the dress gold or blue?

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Ask who all you will be expected to live with, i.e. his mother, father, brother, etc.

Discuss how finances will be divided. While Islam states that a man must support his wife, not all Muslim men believe or want to abide by that. You two should come to some sort of mutually agreeable plan. Also, ask how finances work if say, you move for him and so you do not have a job for a few months, or if you are in a high risk pregnancy where you need bed rest but also financial support. These things happen and need to be prepared for.

Ask how he handles anger. If he flies off the handle about a simple human mistake, and that makes him threaten divorce, then that is a major red flag.

Discuss how housework will be divided. A lot of men think it is the job of the wife to do this, and that it is women's work. Even if the wife decided to stay at home and do all of the housework because of love for her husband, she should be appreciated for it, given that it is not obligatory on her, only on the husband.

If the woman is expected to do housework while living with the in-laws, discuss how the chores will be divided amongst all of the family members so that the woman is not the only one shouldering a huge responsibility of caring for everyone.

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On 2/19/2017 at 0:42 AM, Shandor said:

sorry, what does that mean? ;) I don't know much arabic, other than Lo-Raheem and Allah and Salam :P

 

It means 'may Allah reward you'. It is a way of thanking someone and instead of saying thank you, you say Jazak Allah Khair. I just recently began using it, because I learned that it is a better way of thanking someone. I hope that helped :)

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forget questions OP, lets be real. 

without warning, ask to go through his phone in front of you, and make sure you go through his social media DMs. that will tell you more about him than any cliche questions.

if you want to know a man, know what he hides.

unless he is a high ranking government spy and his revealing his phone to you would compromise the safety of the country, he would have zero reason to refuse you. 

everyone can appear religious and likeable in small doses in controlled environments. trust no one.  

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8 hours ago, DigitalUmmah said:

everyone can appear religious and likeable in small doses in controlled environments. trust no one.  

This is true. I've learned through experience. Also, people lie so don't believe his answers until you see that his actions match them. 

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