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hayaah

Desirable Qualities in a Spouse

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Hmmm, that's a good question. Well, obviously somebody who can put up with my nonsense and knock some sense into me (In a sweet, gentle way of course, no hitting.)

She would probably be somebody that I ultimately consider a very close friend, unfortunately, I don't have a lot of friends in person.

I want a big family and I want to devote my life to scholastic studies, insha'allah. At the very least, two doctorates ( So I can provide) and more than 5 kids. Life will hard financially, but that is what I would like to do. So I hope she is totally up for that and willing to help me realize and achieve those goals.

I need to be with somebody who understands my physical challenges and can offer me lots and lots of emotional support and is willing to physically help with the physical struggles I deal with. I would likewise do same for her as her husband in every way I can.

Definitely someone I wouldn't feel embarrassed about introducing to Mom. Religious and knowledgeable,that would be very, very good for me.

I am more interested in marrying out of trust and mutual respect than anything else.

I don't know, that's still a good and challenging question. 

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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I wish my wife should have following qualitues:

1. Having strong faith in Allah and Ahle bait a.s.

2. She should always find opportunities of improvement rather than seeking opportunities of conflict.

3. She should have respect for my parents and my family as I intend to respect hers. She must try to make my family her best friend to such an extent that my Mom fight for her.

4. She should be my best friend and bank of secrets.

5. Should encourage me for goodness.

6. Trust me and help me in being much better.

7. Should ask about any women whom I talk to in office and in meetings to keep an eye over me.

8. Help me bringing up children as taught by Ahle bait. Pious, intelligent and hardworking.

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The weird dissociative part of me says it doesn't really matter who or what a woman is before I think it's okay to marry her.  I don't really have standards because how can I know who will correct me in what I do wrong?   When am I ever cognizant of what I do wrong unless someone points it out for me.  And my criticisms towards her, I'd hope she'd be receptive to upon demonstrating my capacity to be objective and convey them to her in a good way.  Otherwise, I don't mind being the only one with faults in the relationship.

If she's self made, has her good sense of right and wrong, knows what she wants, and that person happens to be me, then I'm all for it.

So I guess, we have to be somewhat different from each other in many regards, even with respect to religion, perspectives and views (like my current wife miraculously).

And these are all the qualities I suppose my current wife has, and I didn't know I'd appreciate these until after we were together. 

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The best wife:

1) Religious.

2)Calm/patient

3)Doesn't cheat on me or have 'green eyes' for other men.

4)Hardworker and smart. 

5)Knows how to cook (this one is important) 

6) When I am stressed, she is always there to give me comfort. 

 7) If she is a gold digger, I will divorce her.

8) She doesnt care much about mainstream media and trends (you know what I mean. I dont want a wive spending her entire day on facebook) 

9)She has to respect my family

10) I would prefer if she spoke my native language

11) She has to be virgin. I am picky. Because its harder for men to remain virgin than women. If I am a virgin and she already had sex with someone, then she is probably easily taken away by her pleasures.

12)Her family must be a good family. If they they arent but she has all the above traits then I will careless about her family.

-This is optional. But it would be nice if she was in good shape. Like not too fat. Like average/normal shape. Not skinny or too fat.  

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I'm already married, plus have helped a hand in several failing marriages and consultations, and therefore my advice is based on actual real life experience:

1. Stop wanting your spouse to have qualities you yourself don't have.

2. Work on your own deen and taqwa first. Your spouse is not going to help you when your grave narrows itself in on your soul.

3. Many seem to have lost the idea of ''growing''. You don't know if you'll die a munafiq or a mu'min, you're constantly growing, so is your spouse.

4. Make a serious effort, both of you, helping each other, to become the best versions of yourself.

5. Many men seem to have lost this one as well; your wife will follow your advice and lifestyle. Do not underestimate the power you have. You want her to be pious and godfearing and loving and caring? Show her how it's done.

6. The same goes for women.

7. Always keep referring to rule number 1. Always. Forever.

8. Be gentle, always. Nobody reaches Jannah without endurance in extremely difficult times. Spouses recognize this and give each other space, time and love when needed.

Peace.

Edited by P. Ease

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1. Focus on Deen

2. Taqwa (meaning forbearance and patience in times of trial and reliance on Allah swt)

3. Non-materialism

4. Knows how to make her/him please in bed (never underestimate this, spouses are not brothers and sisters, this one thing kills 90% of the bad bacteria aka conflicts)

5. Be available at all times for each other, in bedroom and outside

6. Respectful, both ways. Tongue and attitude are two of the biggest marriage killers

7. Know your place in a relationship. If you are wife, don't try to be man, give him full respect that a head of a household deserves. If you are a husband, don't try to be a woman. She left her everything for you, you better step her and be her everything, let nobody abuse her including your parents / siblings / family, be support for her emotionally, physically, materially, religiously and so on.

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A poetic romantic laid back God-fearing homemaker desi beauty with a sense of humour and a store of wisdom who can cook and drive, handle house keys, and knows a thing or two about how to deposit a cheque, work the ATM machine, and read maps.

Apparently this kind is in short supply.

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I think there should be a thread for girls as well to know their point of view for "desirable qualities in spouse". I am just reading about what guys want from their future partner but have not seen any girl speaking about it. Do they want to be tied to any crazy person or they also want specific qualities ?

Edited by Sindbad05

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On 2/13/2017 at 2:14 PM, The servant of al Qai'm said:

11) She has to be virgin. I am picky. Because its harder for men to remain virgin than women. If I am a virgin and she already had sex with someone, then she is probably easily taken away by her pleasures.

Careful brother. Good men for good woman and bad men for bad woman. If she's not a virgin, and has repented, why shouldn't you accept her? 

Don't limit your pool of options and potientials unnecessarily. It's the same as people who want to only marry within their own race.

what if she was a convert? 

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Guest ModestyIsImportant

Hijab.

Sob story:
I've been looking for a somewhat religious spouse for months but it seems most matches I get do not observe any hijab and those that do are usually much older. I know hijab does not automatically mean religious but I am sure that if someone has enough sense to wear the hijab, they have enough sense to understand the basics of the deen.

 Wondering if I should just give up and marry regardless of hijab? Religious woman are a pipe dream especially in North America.

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54 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Careful brother. Good men for good woman and bad men for bad woman. If she's not a virgin, and has repented, why shouldn't you accept her? 

Don't limit your pool of options and potientials unnecessarily. It's the same as people who want to only marry within their own race.

what if she was a convert? 

Well. Your right. 

I mean if she has most of the above qualities I wouldn't mind if she wasn't a virgin... 

:respect:

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17 hours ago, Guest ModestyIsImportant said:

Hijab.

Sob story:
I've been looking for a somewhat religious spouse for months but it seems most matches I get do not observe any hijab and those that do are usually much older. I know hijab does not automatically mean religious but I am sure that if someone has enough sense to wear the hijab, they have enough sense to understand the basics of the deen.

 Wondering if I should just give up and marry regardless of hijab? Religious woman are a pipe dream especially in North America.

What is your obsession with the hijab? 

When seeking a spouse, you must know what qualities you PERSONALLY want. Focus on finding a girl with great akhlaq, treats you well, someone that you feel comfortable with and can communicate effectively with. The rest will come with time, or it won't. A woman wearing a hijab doesn't automatically mean being a good person. Some woman I know with the worst of hot-blooded tempers are woman who wear hijab. 

Just because someone knows the "basics of the Deen" (whatever that means.) doesn't mean she's a good person. I practice my religion to the best of my ability, and I'm personally not in a state to wear the hijab at the moment. Doesn't mean I'm not trying to perfect myself. 

Think about that before you reject someone who doesn't wear hijab. (It's a very shallow reason.) She might feel inspired to wear it later in life. 

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