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In the Name of God بسم الله

Married Living With Parents

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SayedAA

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Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem

Salaam Alaykum dear brothers and sisters,

Question:

What is it like to live with either spouse's parents during the first 1-3 years of marriage? Let's say if you brought your spouse to live with your own parents, how does that affect the relationship in the short-term and long-term? 

I would appreciate any form of experience from any of you, as this is something I have been pondering over for a while.

Wassalam.

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I think it's risky cause it will affect your relationship both on the short term and if things got bad on the long term. Marrying/living with one person sometimes makes your priority change and you start compromising a lot, even if you get along so well you will disagree and fight... If this is the scenario then what about you living with your spouse along with third parties? In the end it all depends on the couple how much they are willing to understand and be patient about their current situation and acknowledge that it will change within a short period of time.

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Walaykumsalam,

If it's absolutely necessary for practical reasons, maybe, but really think ahead and look at potential pitfalls.

If it's an option and there are other reasonable alternatives, i would personally not recommend living with parents or any relatives.

 

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3 hours ago, yasahebalzaman.313 said:

I think it's risky cause it will affect your relationship both on the short term and if things got bad on the long term. Marrying/living with one person sometimes makes your priority change and you start compromising a lot, even if you get along so well you will disagree and fight... If this is the scenario then what about you living with your spouse along with third parties? In the end it all depends on the couple how much they are willing to understand and be patient about their current situation and acknowledge that it will change within a short period of time.

Do you believe there may be any positives to this situation? And why do you believe compromising in the marriage may be affect the third parties(parents) early on in the marriage? Thanks for your response.

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2 minutes ago, uponthesunnah said:

Walaykumsalam,

If it's absolutely necessary for practical reasons, maybe, but really think ahead and look at potential pitfalls.

If it's an option and there are other reasonable alternatives, i would personally not recommend living with parents or any relatives.

 

Can you name any potential pitfalls? I guess the severity of them is subjective, but generally speaking, what are some of the major downsides to this?

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45 minutes ago, SayedAA said:

Can you name any potential pitfalls? I guess the severity of them is subjective, but generally speaking, what are some of the major downsides to this?

Mother and wife not getting along, due to mother being over-protective and scrutinising actions of said wife.

The couple are finding themselves and only just starting out, they need their freedom to do this, they'll argue, and have ups and downs, and need their own space.

Family drama.

But having said this, if it's only for a short time before they can get their own place, or if all parties can make it work, then maybe it's best.

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I don't know where you from but south asian families love to interfere in everything. Parents involvement could hurt your relationship. Also, when you have other people living with you, cou can't give a lot of time to your spouse and that could be one the issue. I think parent shouldn't intervene into the couple's privacy and they should give them some space.

Workload should be divided dont treat your daughter/son in-law as a servent. I think one should set appropriate boundaries before the move in with their parents. 

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1 hour ago, Ron_Burgundy said:

I don't know where you from but south asian families love to interfere in everything. Parents involvement could hurt your relationship. Also, when you have other people living with you, cou can't give a lot of time to your spouse and that could be one the issue. I think parent shouldn't intervene into the couple's privacy and they should give them some space.

Workload should be divided dont treat your daughter/son in-law as a servent. I think one should set appropriate boundaries before the move in with their parents. 

 

I'm Middle-Eastern, but I definitely appreciate the validity of what you're saying. Do you think if my parents were familiar with the girl and the family (ex. long-time family friends) and the love and respect were already there, do you think that issue could be resolved. Do you think there could be any positives having parents around the first couple years of marriage? In the sense that guidance, care, and financial help is directly available. 

 

For me personally, I perceive the privacy and the time to be the biggest issue because generally speaking a child isn't the same with a friend as they are with both parents. Space will be hard to com by. Do you have any ideas on how a couple could make that work?

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4 hours ago, uponthesunnah said:

Mother and wife not getting along, due to mother being over-protective and scrutinising actions of said wife.

The couple are finding themselves and only just starting out, they need their freedom to do this, they'll argue, and have ups and downs, and need their own space.

Family drama.

But having said this, if it's only for a short time before they can get their own place, or if all parties can make it work, then maybe it's best.

 

Do you see any positives to having parents directly involved? Let's assume they get along with the girl or boy, would the only issue be freedom and private space for the couple? I think I'd perceive that to be the biggest issue, because it would be harder to really speak freely with your partner if there's an issue in front of your parents, and vice versa. But could this have a healthy aspect to it?

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Don't do it. The couple needs their privacy. Pakistani and Indian parents have a habit of trying to get involved in private discussions "to help," but only end up making things worse. No matter how wrong the boy is, his parents can't be objective and it is always the girl who is the one in the wrong. So the girl is always the outsider who is struggling to fit in. I know so many girls who are stressed out from living with their in-laws. No one talks about it except in hushed whispers, so the men in the community have no idea how unhappy the women are living this way. Even if they are the nicest in-laws, I would highly recommend having your own living accommodations. PM me if I have not convinced you yet to get your own place.

Edited by hockeyrocks
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Salaam,

It really depends on the families. Don't forget parents are the responsibility of the children so if you are living with them to help them, then you should.

There will be issues but as long as you are fair on both, it should be okay. Make sure they both know that this is the only option so they better get used to it.

As far as families interfering goes - as long as you keep your marriage issues within the bedroom, no one will, should or can interfere.

It will help reduce bills, save money for your own place and if you have children in the next year, free babysitting. 

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It sounds idealistic to say your marriage will only happen in your bedroom. Realistically, guys LOVE to bring their parents into the marriage.

Live with the girl's parents. Not the guy's parents. The girl's parents will never try to break them up. The guy's parents will.

There's ways to help parents without living with them until they are very old and disabled.

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14 hours ago, hockeyrocks said:

It sounds idealistic to say your marriage will only happen in your bedroom. Realistically, guys LOVE to bring their parents into the marriage.

Live with the girl's parents. Not the guy's parents. The girl's parents will never try to break them up. The guy's parents will.

There's ways to help parents without living with them until they are very old and disabled.

I dont think the guy's parents intentionally try to break up their son's marriage. If that was the case, why even get him married.

The guys parents (usually mothers) have a hard time letting go but that is a natural instinct. There is definitely an adjustment period where all sides have to get used to each other and can go either way depending on how the guy handles it.

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The families often can't look past the altar. They get excited about this fancy wedding where they can invite all of their friends, but they aren't prepared to let their sons be husbands.

It isn't fair on the girl to just chalk everything up to an adjustment period -- when she moves in with the husband, hers is the biggest adjustment of all - leaving her home, family, and friends to move away. So for the girl to be threatened with divorce at every turn as soon as she moves in with the husband over the most minute of things -- like not pairing the socks just right or not cleaning the chicken exactly the way her new family wants, or making a simple human mistake. That is unbearable. She already feels like an outsider, no need to make her feel like even more of an outsider.

I call it intentionally trying to break up the marriage when the husband, in a fit of rage that the wife accidentally threw away a package by mistake, he yells divorce, and mother chimes in and yells divorce also.

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3 hours ago, hockeyrocks said:

The families often can't look past the altar. They get excited about this fancy wedding where they can invite all of their friends, but they aren't prepared to let their sons be husbands.

It isn't fair on the girl to just chalk everything up to an adjustment period -- when she moves in with the husband, hers is the biggest adjustment of all - leaving her home, family, and friends to move away. So for the girl to be threatened with divorce at every turn as soon as she moves in with the husband over the most minute of things -- like not pairing the socks just right or not cleaning the chicken exactly the way her new family wants, or making a simple human mistake. That is unbearable. She already feels like an outsider, no need to make her feel like even more of an outsider.

I call it intentionally trying to break up the marriage when the husband, in a fit of rage that the wife accidentally threw away a package by mistake, he yells divorce, and mother chimes in and yells divorce also.

doesnt happen for everyone and I thought we were discussing the OP's question/situation.

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Most women are unhappy living with the in-laws. The men just don't hear about it. There is always something or the other like what happened with me because the wife is traditionally thought of as the outsider who has to do all of the adjusting, or she is worthy of only being kicked out.

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On 1/31/2017 at 1:59 PM, shiaman14 said:

Salaam,

It really depends on the families. Don't forget parents are the responsibility of the children so if you are living with them to help them, then you should.

There will be issues but as long as you are fair on both, it should be okay. Make sure they both know that this is the only option so they better get used to it.

As far as families interfering goes - as long as you keep your marriage issues within the bedroom, no one will, should or can interfere.

It will help reduce bills, save money for your own place and if you have children in the next year, free babysitting. 

 

This is what I'm thinking as well. I think if one is well enough aware of the conditions and the implications which come with the temporary situation, then as long as the parents respect the privacy of the couple and the couple adapts to the lack of privacy, things should work out for the most part.

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1 hour ago, hockeyrocks said:

Most women are unhappy living with the in-laws. The men just don't hear about it. There is always something or the other like what happened with me because the wife is traditionally thought of as the outsider who has to do all of the adjusting, or she is worthy of only being kicked out.

 

Isn't that due to a lack of communication though? I mean, marriage is all about compromise and sometimes more for one side than the other, but in the end it should ideally even out. I get that some people will threaten divorce but this seems as though its an extreme case where the deen is not truly practiced. I think a mix of communication, understanding and love should be enough to get through that patch in the worst case. I personally don't perceive my parent to threaten my wife with divorce, let alone myself.

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15 hours ago, hockeyrocks said:

The families often can't look past the altar. They get excited about this fancy wedding where they can invite all of their friends, but they aren't prepared to let their sons be husbands.

It isn't fair on the girl to just chalk everything up to an adjustment period -- when she moves in with the husband, hers is the biggest adjustment of all - leaving her home, family, and friends to move away. So for the girl to be threatened with divorce at every turn as soon as she moves in with the husband over the most minute of things -- like not pairing the socks just right or not cleaning the chicken exactly the way her new family wants, or making a simple human mistake. That is unbearable. She already feels like an outsider, no need to make her feel like even more of an outsider.

I call it intentionally trying to break up the marriage when the husband, in a fit of rage that the wife accidentally threw away a package by mistake, he yells divorce, and mother chimes in and yells divorce also.

I think that's the awareness that your marrying a wife so that she can be a wife, not marrying a wife so that she can be a maid. Maybe from my perspective, I think what your saying saying sounds hypocritical if were marrying with half our seen in mind. I personally see this as a worst case scenario in my book, but thank you for shedding some light on a situation which I'm sure occurs elsewhere in different cultures.

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9 hours ago, SayedAA said:

I think that's the awareness that your marrying a wife so that she can be a wife, not marrying a wife so that she can be a maid. Maybe from my perspective, I think what your saying saying sounds hypocritical if were marrying with half our seen in mind. I personally see this as a worst case scenario in my book, but thank you for shedding some light on a situation which I'm sure occurs elsewhere in different cultures.

People say that in-law issues happen in certain cultures but the reality is in-law issues and culture/religion/ethnicity/social status/etc are mutually exclusive.

For example, a very famous quarterback (Aaron Rodgers) is dating an actress (Oilvia Munn) and since they have been dating, Aaron has cut-off his relationship with his entire family. They haven't spoken for 2 years.

The situation varies from person to person, family to family. It really falls on the son/husband to ensure everyone lives happily ever after.

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6 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

People say that in-law issues happen in certain cultures but the reality is in-law issues and culture/religion/ethnicity/social status/etc are mutually exclusive.

For example, a very famous quarterback (Aaron Rodgers) is dating an actress (Oilvia Munn) and since they have been dating, Aaron has cut-off his relationship with his entire family. They haven't spoken for 2 years.

The situation varies from person to person, family to family. It really falls on the son/husband to ensure everyone lives happily ever after.

 

Yes, I was aware of Aaron Rodgers doing that, interesting you bring that up. I think allowing for a wife to settle in with parents who are able to show love and compassion is best in some cases, as she can adapt to the way of life which the husband lives at home, to a certain extent. Not saying that I expect my wife to transform into my mother, but I think living in the environment will allow her to appreciate the way of life, while also laying out all the wrinkles in the process. Marriage is two families coming together, so I think this falls into place with that. I also believe that the son/husband will have to do just as much adjusting as the wife, in the sense that he must find a way to balance his time, effort and love between spouse and parent. With supportive parents, I believe its possible, it just takes two committed people who have mutual respect for one another and have good communication and a strong understanding of what their plan is together.

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On 30/01/2017 at 3:11 PM, Ron_Burgundy said:

I don't know where you from but south asian families love to interfere in everything. Parents involvement could hurt your relationship. Also, when you have other people living with you, cou can't give a lot of time to your spouse and that could be one the issue. I think parent shouldn't intervene into the couple's privacy and they should give them some space.

Workload should be divided dont treat your daughter/son in-law as a servent. I think one should set appropriate boundaries before the move in with their parents. 

South Asian families will emotionally slaughter the wife, mother-in-law leading that charge from cases i know. Ofcourse , this is not to generalise. I know a couple who opted to live with extended family to save rent, and they paid little to help up-keep costs. Newly weds, but their extended family began to create drama, complained they werent interacting with them, and so on.

Totally missing the fact they were a new couple, needed time to figure themselves out, and needed their own space, and not the children of the said aunt.

 

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On 01/02/2017 at 7:13 PM, hockeyrocks said:

The families often can't look past the altar. They get excited about this fancy wedding where they can invite all of their friends, but they aren't prepared to let their sons be husbands.

It isn't fair on the girl to just chalk everything up to an adjustment period -- when she moves in with the husband, hers is the biggest adjustment of all - leaving her home, family, and friends to move away. So for the girl to be threatened with divorce at every turn as soon as she moves in with the husband over the most minute of things -- like not pairing the socks just right or not cleaning the chicken exactly the way her new family wants, or making a simple human mistake. That is unbearable. She already feels like an outsider, no need to make her feel like even more of an outsider.

I call it intentionally trying to break up the marriage when the husband, in a fit of rage that the wife accidentally threw away a package by mistake, he yells divorce, and mother chimes in and yells divorce also.

This is pretty common. Over-protective absolute 'monster' mother in laws who intend well but wholescale wreck marriages and make life for the wife so hard.

 

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14 hours ago, SayedAA said:

Yes, I was aware of Aaron Rodgers doing that, interesting you bring that up. I think allowing for a wife to settle in with parents who are able to show love and compassion is best in some cases, as she can adapt to the way of life which the husband lives at home, to a certain extent. Not saying that I expect my wife to transform into my mother, but I think living in the environment will allow her to appreciate the way of life, while also laying out all the wrinkles in the process. Marriage is two families coming together, so I think this falls into place with that. I also believe that the son/husband will have to do just as much adjusting as the wife, in the sense that he must find a way to balance his time, effort and love between spouse and parent. With supportive parents, I believe its possible, it just takes two committed people who have mutual respect for one another and have good communication and a strong understanding of what their plan is together.

Why should the wife have to move in with the husband's parents? Why can't the husband move in with the girl and her parents so he can appreciate her way of life? Or better yet, how about the couple living with just each other, so they can find a way to have a loving marriage?

Remember: the nikkah contract only includes two people.

Sometimes a girl only finds out after marriage that the husband isn't practicing deen properly, but why should the girl suffer? She still has to find a way to protect herself and her marriage in such a situtation.

Edited by hockeyrocks
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21 hours ago, SayedAA said:

Marriage is two families coming together, so I think this falls into place with that.

It's two people coming together. Nikkah is between a man and a woman, throw families in the mix and it's a mess. The important thing is that the husband and wife get along with each other. Marriages shouldn't fall apart because someone in the family isn't happy with the marriage but sadly,they do.

 

Edited by starlight
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I'm not married but a few of my cousins have been through this predicament and to be honest it's not great. Thing is, the in-laws or your parents can be great, but people underestimate how someone's minor behaviours may affect everyone else in the household. These minor behaviours may be weird or unpleasant to some people in the household, and it's uncomfortable to mention/brings unwanted tension. Especially in the first year of marriage, you wouldn't want a family issue to be in the way on top of not having enough privacy and just discovering each other's habits and real core behaviour.

Even when it comes to marital arguments the parents may be involved and cause a stir when it's not necessary. In short, it's best not to. 

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9 hours ago, hockeyrocks said:

Why should the wife have to move in with the husband's parents? Why can't the husband move in with the girl and her parents so he can appreciate her way of life? Or better yet, how about the couple living with just each other, so they can find a way to have a loving marriage?

Remember: the nikkah contract only includes two people.

Sometimes a girl only finds out after marriage that the husband isn't practicing deen properly, but why should the girl suffer? She still has to find a way to protect herself and her marriage in such a situtation.

 

I totally agree, I was just speaking from my perspective, but the same can definitely be said by simply switching genders. Interesting point

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