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Sana234

I have no friends I'm so lonely :(

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Salam Alaikum,

im a freshman in high school and I don't have any friends. At all. Didn't have any in middle school either. I had one in elementary school but she turned out to be a snake. :( (by snake I mean she gossiped about me secretly with the whole class all while pretending to be my true friend). I don't get it. I'm nice, a little better than average looking, smart, friendly, funny, and creative. Nobody wants to be my friend I always sit alone at lunchtime and I don't have anybody to hang out with and play. I talked to my parents but they don't care. My mom even seems like she doesn't want me to have any friends. I tried everything, socializing, online and offline, tried to meet up, not even my family wants to hang out with me they just tell me to go to my room after school and can't come out until the dinner is ready. Why? Why can't I make any friendships? I have nobody to talk to. My mom won't talk to me and she says I don't need a counselor because I'm fine. She says I don't have friends because people don't like me because I'm annoying :( but I'm not. I don't talk a lot unless something makes me happy. I know this is rant-y but please help me how can I make friends and people like me

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4 minutes ago, Ali_Hussain said:

wa 'alaykum assalam,

I'm sorry to hear that, I can imagine that it must be a tough feeling no being able to make friends when you are actively trying to, on top of that you seem to have things that you need to get of your chest, and have no one to talk to.

You could try keeping a diary, it will give out an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. As for finding friends, have you got any interests or hobbies? You could try finding clubs where you could meet people with similar interests.

I would also advise you not to try to hard, younger people can be quite cruel, especially girls, you don't want to leave yourself open to being played around with, insha'Allah you will find a like minded soul soon.

Good luck.

Aww thanks. Yeah I haven't really thought about joining a club but I will definitely consider it now. Thanks for the advice. 

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(My parents are the complete opposite - they tell me and my siblings to sit with them in the living room and talk more.  however i actually prefer being alone in my room because it's nice and quiet there).

In regards to your issue  : maybe the girls are just jealous of you and see you as someone who is better than them in terms of looks, personality, etc. often times this can make girls very spiteful ,so they try to bring you down as much as possible. 

Another reason could be because you don't 'fit' in with them. This might be due to the way you communicate or the way you dress. 

In high school the majority of students are really immature, so they tend to be very insensitive towards others. All they care about is fashion, popularity and  superficial things. (none of which will benefit them in the future).

If you are are a humble and friendly person, stay that way. Keep steadfast to your religion and Inshallah over time you will slowly find your own group of friends. Until then, focus on your studies and try to do the things @Ali_Hussainmentioned.

 

 

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57 minutes ago, Ali_Hussain said:

wa 'alaykum assalam,

I'm sorry to hear that, I can imagine that it must be a tough feeling no being able to make friends when you are actively trying to, on top of that you seem to have things that you need to get of your chest, and have no one to talk to.

You could try keeping a diary, it will give out an outlet for your thoughts and feelings. As for finding friends, have you got any interests or hobbies? You could try finding clubs where you could meet people with similar interests.

I would also advise you not to try too hard, younger people can be quite cruel, especially girls, you don't want to leave yourself open to being played around with, insha'Allah you will find a like minded soul soon.

Good luck.

its depends upon where you live. when i was living aborad usually the girls were cruel because i wouldnt wear the same tight clothes as they did. sometimes other areas the girls arent like that, they could be respectful.Brother where did you get the notion that youngergirls are cruel?have yo observed this? im curious JazakAllah

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39 minutes ago, P. Ease said:

Is there no shi'a institution or hussayniya or mosque that caters to youth in your area/city? I've seen a lot of shia mosques hold meetings specifically for youths.

There are but all the teenage girls there all they do is stare at you and gossip. not one nice person

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27 minutes ago, hayaah said:

(My parents are the complete opposite - they tell me and my siblings to sit with them in the living room and talk more.  however i actually prefer being alone in my room because it's nice and quiet there).

In regards to your issue  : maybe the girls are just jealous of you and see you as someone who is better than them in terms of looks, personality, etc. often times this can make girls very spiteful ,so they try to bring you down as much as possible. 

Another reason could be because you don't 'fit' in with them. This might be due to the way you communicate or the way you dress. 

In high school the majority of students are really immature, so they tend to be very insensitive towards others. All they care about is fashion, popularity and  superficial things. (none of which will benefit them in the future).

If you are are a humble and friendly person, stay that way. Keep steadfast to your religion and Inshallah over time you will slowly find your own group of friends. Until then, focus on your studies and try to do the things @Ali_Hussainmentioned.

 

 

Yeah I'm the only one in my school that wears hijab. But even at the masjid nobody wants to sit with me or talk to me or be my friend 

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9 minutes ago, sidnaq said:

its depends upon where you live. when i was living aborad usually the girls were cruel because i wouldnt wear the same tight clothes as they did. sometimes other areas the girls arent like that, they could be respectful.Brother where did you get the notion that youngergirls are cruel?have yo observed this? im curious JazakAllah

It is just what I've observed, granted in some countries girls are more moderate and calm that in others, but by and large whenever you hear about bullying virtual or real, the instigators are often girls as are the victims.

 

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Just now, Sana234 said:

Yeah I'm the only one in my school that wears hijab. But even at the masjid nobody wants to sit with me or talk to me or be my friend 

i was the only hijabi girl in both secondary/high school as well as sixthform/senior high school. So i completely understand where you are coming from. However if you are good at communicating and have a nice personality, people will soon warm up to you and some will even want to be friends with you. Just be patient and give it abit more time. :)

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3 minutes ago, hayaah said:

i was the only hijabi girl in both secondary/high school as well as sixthform/senior high school. So i completely understand where you are coming from. However if you are good at communicating and have a nice personality, people will soon warm up to you and some will even want to be friends with you. Just be patient and give it abit more time. :)

I have but everyone I know has already gossiped about me :( they hate me even though I haven't done anything 

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1 hour ago, Sana234 said:

I have but everyone I know has already gossiped about me :( they hate me even though I haven't done anything 

then rise sana, rise and address the issue.Talk to your local imam at the mosque tell them to stop these lies, be strong, and also dont give up.Hmm one more thing talk to the imam or someone who is female but with autohrity at the mosque and ask them to stop these rumors and to advise others not to spread them.You know what i did when i was frustrated i went up to the people and talked to them about it>Granted i dont do that all the time and it was in one or two occasions that i did ,but i needed to ask them.why dont you tell your teacher. thats what i did when these girls would bother me.And could ask a counsellor or imam to speak to your mom 

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2 hours ago, Sana234 said:

Aw yay I wanna be your friend ♥️

Good!  I also suggest, for the girls who are being mean to you, you should show them that you're not bothered by it, even if you are.  If they say anything to you, make sure you have something to say in return.  Don't let them walk all over you. When i was in high school, there was a girl who was bothering me and when i started to stand up for myself, she left me alone.

Also, remember, the world is full of horrible people. You just have to accept it. Don't let them turn you into a horrible, bitter person like them.  You're better than that, insha'Allah. Once you've left high school, you'll find that people let you be yourself a bit more and aren't as judgemental. There's a big world out there. Being queen bee at high school isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. In ten years time, you can facebook stalk them and they'll probably all be grossly overweight. Ha!

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Sincerely hope you feel welcome here on shiachat. Be careful when you're feeling lonely - don't allow random strangers [guys] to befriend you as in that state, we are often vulnerable. Don't allow anyone to put you down and to define you.

Why not join a sports team, or a society or club at school ? 

Also, are there any community activities for youth at your mosque?

But above all, always remember this - you are not who people say you are. You do not have friends not because of anything you lack or a problem you have, nor because you are 'annoying'. Many people often find it hard to make friends, i know i did.

 

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Sana if you don't mind me asking, what do you think is the most likely reason?

You understand your surroundings, social circles as well as how you come across better than most people. Only you can identify the real issues. We can all be nice, friendly and creative but these qualities are not always sufficient. Sometimes it takes more, for instance, do you consider yourself a confident person with a strong adaptable mindset? Rather then addressing the qualities of being approachable, are you equally self-assured in approaching others? During the lunch breaks have you tried sitting with other people? Making conversation?

Also, is it possible that you're targeting a specific group of people for friendship but struggling to adjust? Sometimes we seek certain qualities in people, whether positive or negative, but fall short of measuring up ourselves. What if it's the other way around, you being the concept of other peoples idealism and it is they who lack confidence in approaching you. There may be many reasons but until you can point out the probable cause it will be harder to tackle the issues head on. I often hear people giving the advice 'just be yourself and don't change for anyone or anything'. I can only respond through personal experience - always be willing to change as that's what life is all about, learning and growing, as long as the change is for the better.

Also I agree with members above, get involved in school activities and sports. You'd be surprised most of my friends at school were people with similar interests, i.e. football, table tennis and school detentions lol (i was far from perfect). Keep yourself busy and who knows you might find something you are really good at and everyone loves a talent. Off-school, there are hundreds of activities, sports, youth programs, etc etc. My parents used to send us to Quran classes at a local mosque on the weekends and I joined a youth centre too for sports and games. I wasn't even looking for friends in most activities and there they were. 

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I am so sorry you're going through this and inshallah your hardships will be eased.

 

I'm in my last year in highschool and here are all my observations that I did that could help you. Now to your question, it may be something you are doing or how you present yourself? I am not sure but if so definitely attempt to make yourself look more presentable. Wear nice clothes, and if it expensive you can buy really nice clothes from thrift stores. Take care of your hair, and especially your hygiene. Chew gum since it really helps with bad breathe. The first thing people see about you is the way you look, and sadly it shouldn't be about appearance but that's just the way it is and how people make very first impressions of you. Then, present yourself as confident. Have good posture and walk around with your back straight. Make yourself look approachable so don't always look mad or sad. Smiling helps a lot.

 

On to the actual social aspects. Join clubs, those are really good ways to make friends. Join any high school club you have interest in. This is very good because these people in the clubs will have the exact same interest as you, which will make it really easy for you to start a conversation. Talk to the people in your classes, such as try asking for a pencil or questions about assignments, and from there you can begin conversing. Crack a few jokes here and there as well. Get rid of any negative emotions and let go of the past. It already happened and now all you can do is improve from it. Think to yourself, you won't see almost anyone from high school so it won't even matter if they judge you in the present. 

 

Whoever takes offence or disagrees these are all just my observations. I don't know enough about you to give any speciic advise so if you could give more details I could surely try to give you more specific advise.

 

 

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16 minutes ago, mohamed.alhusseini said:

I am so sorry you're going through this and inshallah your hardships will be eased....

 

OH MY BAD i didn't fully read your question, I didn't know you were a girl or wore hijab my apologies.

Edited by starlight
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Friends are overrated. Speaking from personal experience- they set me back years. If I could go back in time, instead of wasting my time on friends I would dedicate it to a book, a hobby, or learning a new skill. 
I highly advise OP to fully focus on studies...make something good out of yourself...this will enable you to have a strong & stable family...once there, they will be your best friends forever.

the grass always looks greener on the other side...

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On 1/26/2017 at 0:49 PM, Sana234 said:

Aww thanks. Yeah I haven't really thought about joining a club but I will definitely consider it now. Thanks for the advice. 

im so sorry to hear this sana, i can talk to you at times, if you wish me to. i know what that loneliness feels like. sighh

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1 hour ago, Wahdat said:

Friends are overrated. Speaking from personal experience- they set me back years. If I could go back in time, instead of wasting my time on friends I would dedicate it to a book, a hobby, or learning a new skill. 
I highly advise OP to fully focus on studies...make something good out of yourself...this will enable you to have a strong & stable family...once there, they will be your best friends forever.

the grass always looks greener on the other side...

i understandthis was your situation but let me te you about mines, without the ability to have friends a part of your life goes away, then people get busy. 

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On 1/26/2017 at 4:46 PM, lalala123 said:

Good!  I also suggest, for the girls who are being mean to you, you should show them that you're not bothered by it, even if you are.  If they say anything to you, make sure you have something to say in return.  Don't let them walk all over you. When i was in high school, there was a girl who was bothering me and when i started to stand up for myself, she left me alone.

Also, remember, the world is full of horrible people. You just have to accept it. Don't let them turn you into a horrible, bitter person like them.  You're better than that, insha'Allah. Once you've left high school, you'll find that people let you be yourself a bit more and aren't as judgemental. There's a big world out there. Being queen bee at high school isn't that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. In ten years time, you can facebook stalk them and they'll probably all be grossly overweight. Ha!

where do you live where you see people change when they leave high school and you know thats really sweet offering your friendship i admire that

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On 1/26/2017 at 0:35 PM, Sana234 said:

Salam Alaikum,

im a freshman in high school and I don't have any friends. At all. Didn't have any in middle school either. I had one in elementary school but she turned out to be a snake. :( (by snake I mean she gossiped about me secretly with the whole class all while pretending to be my true friend). I don't get it. I'm nice, a little better than average looking, smart, friendly, funny, and creative. Nobody wants to be my friend I always sit alone at lunchtime and I don't have anybody to hang out with and play. I talked to my parents but they don't care. My mom even seems like she doesn't want me to have any friends. I tried everything, socializing, online and offline, tried to meet up, not even my family wants to hang out with me they just tell me to go to my room after school and can't come out until the dinner is ready. Why? Why can't I make any friendships? I have nobody to talk to. My mom won't talk to me and she says I don't need a counselor because I'm fine. She says I don't have friends because people don't like me because I'm annoying :( but I'm not. I don't talk a lot unless something makes me happy. I know this is rant-y but please help me how can I make friends and people like me

wowww this really hits home. i know what its like to be young and without friends. oh no sana, please its okay, are you sure those places are the only places? what about a local community centre?oh no sana i read every word, feel everything, its okay sweetie sometimes parents dont understand but hopefully if this isnt against your mothers permission could you talk to a teacher instead? i am here to give you hugs, telling you to stay strong, dont let the hijab go, youre awonderful person and dont let anoynoe tell you other wise. If you want i could try talking with your mom online if you wish?

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23 hours ago, sidnaq said:

i understandthis was your situation but let me te you about mines, without the ability to have friends a part of your life goes away, then people get busy. 

My situation was pretty good I think. I had some very wonderful friends, learnt alot from them and with them, experienced my entire youth with them, drove/travelled the entire country & parts of the world with them...... all that is unreal now. What is real is my five year old beautiful daughter and her mother. This will be my reality to the end. Why I projected friendship under negative light was that it comes at the cost of preparation for the eternal reality...not the fleeting & hazy one. Its a waste of time imo. Be friends with your family before you marry. Add your new family to the mix after....and if one can manage that...thats the perfect life in every sense of the term.

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Walaykoum Asalam,

Try joining a sports club because it involves a lot of teamwork and you'll need to communicate so it will be easier to make friends then. Just a side note though, high school is really overrated when it comes to 'making friends' or finding the right people. The so-called popularity that goes on during those years will have little importance once you finish, it really is just a world of its own that's unimportant later on in life so don't worry if you're not able to fit in.

Inshallah you will make the right friends in time!

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On Friday, February 03, 2017 at 4:44 AM, Wahdat said:

My situation was pretty good I think. I had some very wonderful friends, learnt alot from them and with them, experienced my entire youth with them, drove/travelled the entire country & parts of the world with them...... all that is unreal now. What is real is my five year old beautiful daughter and her mother. This will be my reality to the end. Why I projected friendship under negative light was that it comes at the cost of preparation for the eternal reality...not the fleeting & hazy one. Its a waste of time imo. Be friends with your family before you marry. Add your new family to the mix after....and if one can manage that...thats the perfect life in every sense of the term.

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Brother Wahdat.

Excellent advice.  

But how do you explain this to young boys?  They seek pleasing their friends and care about what they think.  How can we build their character  or have them be self confident and content with who they are and where they come from?

I find many of the youths from immigrant parents living in the west have an identity problem, they ditch their parents and want to assimilate into the country they are living in.  

 I see second and third generations losing their identity and do whatever is socially popular and forgetting anything that has to do with religion or who they are and where their parents come from.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN ALLAH 

Edited by Laayla

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1 hour ago, Laayla said:

But how do you explain this to young boys?  They seek pleasing their friends and care about what they think.  How can we build their character  or have them be self confident and content with who they are and where they come from?

I find many of the youths from immigrant parents living in the west have an identity problem, they ditch their parents and want to assimilate into the country they are living in.  

 I see second and third generations losing their identity and do whatever is socially popular and forgetting anything that has to do with religion or who they are and where their parents come from

I totally get that! I'm glad I turned out 'alright'. It's not so bad to adapt to your surroundings, whether it grows on you naturally or initially by way of imitation. The problem being - the bad influence! Growing up in the UK and witnessing how fellow Muslims from good practising families can easily lose their sense of place and virtue, end up misplacing their desire for righteousness all-together. This problem is huge and not an easy one to solve. One of my mates being a product of such influences (to the highest degree), eventually turned things around, got married and after his first-born shipped out to Egpyt. Reason: He was too afraid to raise his kids in the same or similar environment. I don't necessarily agree but in certain circumstances where parents are not able to endow sufficient support and awareness, it can certainly make a difference. 

Regional indifference is also a big game changer. You could remain in the UK and relocate maybe out of major cities where the influences are seen to be in full swing. You could apply for boarding schools if feasible. You could make every effort to control the movements and the associations formed to keep that child away from as much danger as possible. More importantly, if the primary educational institution is not refined, which is the 'home', then all other alternatives will simply not work. Unfortunately most immigrant parents have no idea (until it's too late) of what awaits their children as soon as they step out of the door. External influences are not always obvious and loud in nature but usually gradual and through the leisurely growth they can actually nurture a child towards the ease of making wrong choices. Hence the home is where most of the work is required and those alternative helping hands such a Madrasas, islamic awareness and recreational clubs, etc etc. I'm not even married, obviously no kids, but listening to young parents at inter-faith discussions and my own experiences though my teens and not forgetting observations of how 'most' child-hood Muslim friends panned out, it fair to say the concerns are VERY REAL!

 

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