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In the Name of God بسم الله
sara heideri

father possibly beating/killing me

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1 hour ago, sara heideri said:

assalamo alikum

so my father has anger issues, and im not good at school at all about to get my report card, last time hed spit on his face and swore that he wuld kill me this time if i get bad grades again, and if he didnt kill me then i culd spit on his face, so my grades r rly bad and im thinking about running away or comittinh suicide , bc im rlly scared. Pls make as much dua as u can for me N my family. I rlly am scared , is there any duas i culd recite or any quran surahs that could prevent my father from getting angry? Pls anwser as fast as possible.

Read Hadith of Prophet PBUHHP which tells your father regarding daughters and their importance and after you have finished the beautiful quotes, tell your father your result. If after that your father kills you, you are martyred and he is murderer. I hope that your father is not that oppressive. :)

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Running away can be dangerous, especially for a young lady. If the physical violence escalates or he increases the amount he hits you then seek help from an organisation that helps victims of child abuse, they can give you advice or even counselling. This is better than simply running away or killing yourself as they can help you find shelter and safety and have experience.

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Guest silasun

Salam Alaikum

I really feel for your difficult situation and pray it gets better soon.

Do take into account that bringing up "running away" or reporting the incident to the police could lead to a worse situation.

When you say your father beats you up what do you mean? Serious physical violence or do you mean slaps whose pain disappears within a short time frame? Nobody should have to go through either but the extent of the violence may affect how you should respond

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On 1/10/2017 at 11:39 AM, DigitalUmmah said:

Salam OP

why do you keep getting bad grades? what prevents you from studying?

My father being angry at my results is not a motivation, it scares me a lot but does not make School any easier.

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2 hours ago, sara heideri said:

assalamo alikum

so my father has anger issues, and im not good at school at all about to get my report card, last time hed spit on his face and swore that he wuld kill me this time if i get bad grades again, and if he didnt kill me then i culd spit on his face, so my grades r rly bad and im thinking about running away or comittinh suicide , bc im rlly scared. Pls make as much dua as u can for me N my family. I rlly am scared , is there any duas i culd recite or any quran surahs that could prevent my father from getting angry? Pls anwser as fast as possible.

Your father has anger management issues. Its one thing to get angry with your kids for poor grades and its another to go crazy. Not sure where you live but he needs some psychiatric help. He's probably suffering from depression.

However, that being said...why are your grades so low? How much effort did you really put in? You do know that had you done better in school you wouldn't be in this situation.

That being said...a miracle from Allah is the only thing that's gonna save you. Best of luck to you. Remember to alternate hot and cold on the bruises. :accident:

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On 1/10/2017 at 1:48 PM, silasun said:

Salam Alaikum

I really feel for your difficult situation and pray it gets better soon.

Do take into account that bringing up "running away" or reporting the incident to the police could lead to a worse situation.

When you say your father beats you up what do you mean? Serious physical violence or do you mean slaps whose pain disappears within a short time frame? Nobody should have to go through either but the extent of the violence may affect how you should respond

serious physical violence, like kicking and shoving and punching

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Dear sister, I wouldn't advise on you running away as that will make you even more vulnerable and certainly don't commit suicide - wallah I swear by Allah (swt) no person is worth killing yourself over and destroying your Hereafter.

I really do think you should tell someone about this, if you can't rely on your family then I would suggest talking to a teacher at school. Don't be afraid of telling someone, at the end of the day 1. you are a Muslim, which means you MUST stand for justice even if its against your own friends and family and 2.  your safety is more important than the reputation of your father. 

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On 1/10/2017 at 2:03 PM, sara heideri said:

serious physical violence, like kicking and shoving and punching

Salam, 

If the situation is like you say, most likely he will do it again. 

You need to find other relatives you can stay with. Or if you have friends to stay with, until the situation cools down. 

I don't suggest running away, as in living on the street. But you should figure out how you are going to get out and save yourself. Allah(s.w.a) will question you on the Day of Judgement if you had an option, any option to keep yourself safe and you didn't take it. Allah(s.w.a) gave you life for a reason, that reason is not to be someone's punching bag, and life is precious and should not be wasted. 

You are in our Duas, 

For those parents who do similar things, 

As a parent, I can tell you that beating, humiliating, threatening your kids in order for them to get better grades doesn't work. It doesn't make them get better grades(in almost all cases) and you are guilty, both Islamically and legally, of Thulm, oppression. 

When a child or young adult is worried about their physical safety, their brain switches to 'fight or flight' mode, which is a more primitive area of the brain, and it makes it even more difficult for them to learn and study. 

I don't think it's productive to tell a child who is getting bad grades 'just study more'. That won't necessarily work. 

If you want your kids to get better grades, help them and work with them to understand the core concepts that they are missing. Most kids, for one reason or another, miss core concepts, and then the class moves on while they didn't understand what was being studies previously so they get further and further behind. If they don't understand things like angles and coordinate systems, they will never be able to do geometry, no matter how much you threaten them. 

If you, yourself don't understand the core concepts that your kids are studying, try to learn yourself or get them a tutor. I don't know about Pakistan, but in the US, most schools and universities have free or extremely low cost tutoring services for kids. 

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5 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

As a parent, I can tell you that beating, humiliating, threatening your kids in order for them to get better grades doesn't work. It doesn't make them get better grades(in almost all cases) and you are guilty, both Islamically and legally, of Thulm, oppression. 

When a child or young adult is worried about their physical safety, their brain switches to 'fight or flight' mode, which is a more primitive area of the brain, and it makes it even more difficult for them to learn and study. 

I don't think it's productive to tell a child who is getting bad grades 'just study more'. That won't necessarily work. 

If you want your kids to get better grades, help them and work with them to understand the core concepts that they are missing. Most kids, for one reason or another, miss core concepts, and then the class moves on while they didn't understand what was being studies previously so they get further and further behind. If they don't understand things like angles and coordinate systems, they will never be able to do geometry, no matter how much you threaten them. 

I totally agree with you on this. As a parent myself I find that being patient and involved with your kids when they are studying goes far in increasing not only their intake but also for application of whatever they are studying (Math especially).

Fortunately, my kids are still in 5th and 3rd so the homework hasnt gotten to a point that I need to start watching youtube videos to review the material but for me as a parent to criticize their report card when I have done nothing to help them is a failure on my part.

Of course, not all parents share this belief. My own parents when I was a kid were zero involved past the point of "Have you done your homework?". Not checking my homework or even confirming whether I had even done the homework.

Studies have shown that the most successful academic kids are the ones who's parents are the most involved in not only schooling but in their lives in general.

Sub Continent parents tend to not be following that approach for various reasons. More credit to the kids that excel in their studies there without the help of their parents.

Now, that having been said, that does not deny the responsibilty of the child to some degree to study. Yes, help is more often than not needed to help them succeed but if the effort isn't there from the child then regardless of how much support is given they won't reach their full potential. 

Factor in the increased occurance rates of learning disorders, ADHD, etc...then its all a jumbled mess. 

Moral of the story in my opinion is that equal effort needs to be put in by the parents and the student to ensure academic success.

So thus in regard to the OP and her dilemma I still stand by my question to her of "how much effort did you put in?". If she gave it her all and still the grades were't achieved then there might be underlying issues. But if she goofed off all term and didn't give it her all then the burden of responsibility wasn't met by her.

Of course, this in no way validates her Father violently beating her. No level of academic failure (or any other failure for that matter) warrants physical violence. How a Father can do that to his own daughter is beyond my comprehension but there most certainly are underlying Psychological factors there.

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This is terrible, it sucks that a lot of women in Pakistan have little recourse against abuse. Try and remain strong.  Maybe you should talk to your school or someone considerate so you can temporarily show a report card with better grades.   In the long term you should definitely seek a way out of such a violent situation.

Edited by King

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I'm glad to hear that you were able to reach out to your grandmother for help and support. Make this a habit, anytime you fear violence find someone you can reach out to who can help you stay physically safe from the abuse. But from your post, it seems like it is a temporary situation so start figuring out from now on what your next safety stop is going to be whether again with your grandmother or with another trustworthy relative, you need to start planning for your safety. Ask your grandmother if it would be OK for you to come again if there is a recurrence of abuse from your dad.

Can I ask you how old you are and where you live? There might be resources available to you depending on where you live and you might want to tap into those to help cope with your circumstances. You can send me a PM if you don't feel comfortable enough disclosing them in the thread. 

You also seem to be taking rational steps to try and deal with the abuse, your appeal to people for prayers shows that. I know that you are experiencing an extremely threatening situation and that can sometimes lead people into making some desperate decisions that prove regretful later on. I hope and pray that you are to avoid those.

Give yourself credit for having the courage to speak out about the abuse, even if it is here on SC. Don't be afraid to speak out against your father or anyone else you tries to threaten you in that way because no one has a right to do that to you.

Also, don't worry about your grades if the abuse is impacting your ability to do well in school. Try your best but also acknowledge that you are going through abnormal circumstances in your life. 

I would also recommend trying to identify triggers in your father's behavior. Are there any warning signs before an abusive episode? Do his actions fit a pattern of some sort? Think about it and see what you come up with. Knowledge of this sort can save your life at some point by helping you avoid any situations that might trigger him.

Also, can you confide in your mother? What role does she play during the abuse? Does she get involved or does she simply let it happen? Have you noticed any fear in her when your father abuses you? She likely needs someone to speak with as well and so do your siblings. Think about what you can do to help them whilst keeping yourself safe from getting abused any further. 

Know that all of us here will be praying for you so don't give up and keep fighting to keep yourself safe.

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Salam 

Ohk not getting emotional I would just suggest u make itself free from ur fears 

U and only u can change ur situation 

Ur mother is helpless and u are the first daughteR

In ur situation honestly a girl just wants her father to act like a normal father who smiles hugs supports 

Just don't let this ruin ur mindset plz 

Nothing will work until and unless u are free from ur tears  and  fears 

No cops no teachers no complains no runaway business no suicide nothing is going to help u 

Yeah if its ur father it doesn't mean he has ri8 to all dis but some times men just act as men even with their daughters  but don't hate him ohk 

I would simply advise u I know its tough but m sure it will work  i.a trust me 

Go to ur father and pour out ur heart say it say how u want ur father to be like tell him what he is doing to u and ur family tellbhim how much u wish to love him and adore him  tell him how much u scare of him cry out just confess surely it will make a difference once and for all

Because if u don't show courage to face it and tell him ull carry a barriar of all these scary memories which are enough yo ruin a woman's thoughts to make her hate every men around

U need to gather courage to talk to him 

   I.a everything will be fine 

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On 27.1.2017 at 4:47 PM, King said:

This is terrible, it sucks that a lot of women in Pakistan have little recourse against abuse. Try and remain strong.  Maybe you should talk to your school or someone considerate so you can temporarily show a report card with better grades.   In the long term you should definitely seek a way out of such a violent situation.

Im not from or in Pakistan but i know women are not able to stand  for themselves because of various reasons in many countries and that sucks!

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