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In the Name of God بسم الله

Who comes first husband or parents?

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Laayla

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Dear Sisters,

Insh'Allah you are all well and in good health.

After marriage and having children of your own, I believe daughters start to understand, appreciate and have a closer attachment to their parents.

As parents become elderly, I find the daughter becomes in a tangle to know where does her obligations go towards her husband or her elderly parents.

Quran provides the following verses about being dutiful towards parents

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.  And that you be dutiful to your parents.  If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” (Quran 17:23)

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents.  His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.”  (Quran 31:14)

If the husband comes back from work and doesn't find his wife at the house for over a week because she is at her parent's house serving them, is the wife actually sinning more than committing good.

The question is who is she supposed to listen to her husband or her elderly parents that are dependent of her?  The sister was quoting the two verses above and told me show me where in the Quran am I supposed to be dutiful towards my husband.  The sister has brothers but they are negligent towards their parents, they do not serve them and each one is busy with their own lives.  She also has sisters yet they are married and live out of town.

I already told her the fiqh answer is she needs to obey her husband and if he is not pleased for her leaving the house and being with her parents she is doing more harm then good.  But if she leaves her parents, they do not know how to manage due to their health problems.   I'm sure other Muslim families are going through these type of problems.

Is this sister putting her marriage in jeopardy in order to be dutiful towards her parents?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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1 hour ago, Laayla said:

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum Dear Sisters,

Insh'Allah you are all well and in good health.

After marriage and having children of your own, I believe daughters start to understand, appreciate and have a closer attachment to their parents.

As parents become elderly, I find the daughter becomes in a tangle to know where does her obligations go towards her husband or her elderly parents.

Quran provides the following verses about being dutiful towards parents

“And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him.  And that you be dutiful to your parents.  If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.” (Quran 17:23)

“And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents.  His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.”  (Quran 31:14)

If the husband comes back from work and doesn't find his wife at the house for over a week because she is at her parent's house serving them, is the wife actually sinning more than committing good.

The question is who is she supposed to listen to her husband or her elderly parents that are dependent of her?  The sister was quoting the two verses above and told me show me where in the Quran am I supposed to be dutiful towards my husband.  The sister has brothers but they are negligent towards their parents, they do not serve them and each one is busy with their own lives.  She also has sisters yet they are married and live out of town.

I already told her the fiqh answer is she needs to obey her husband and if he is not pleased for her leaving the house and being with her parents she is doing more harm then good.  But if she leaves her parents, they do not know how to manage due to their health problems.   I'm sure other Muslim families are going through these type of problems.

Is this sister putting her marriage in jeopardy in order to be dutiful towards her parents?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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I can not answer this question but looking at my own family and other Shia families/relatives  that I know are not treating their/our parents with respect and dignity, or even taking care of them. In Islam the sons are supposed to be taking care of the parents when they become old and helpless not the daughters, but unfortunately, here in the West.. sons  becoming cowards, daughters are taking care of their parents or they are being shipped to the nursing home after milking them for every penny they have! This is, one of the sings of the end times. May Allah swt hasten the return of our Imam e zaman soon inshallah, amen.

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2 hours ago, Endtimes said:

In Islam the sons are supposed to be taking care of the parents when they become old and helpless not the daughters

Salamun Alaikum Brother/Sister, I can understand where you are coming from, but I have a slight disagreement with the quoted text.

According to Rahbar Ayatullah Khamenei:

Quote

Whatever the case is, if any of the children is financially fit, they are responsible for maintaining their parents financially in case the latter is needy. As for the parents-in-law, their son-in-law and daughter-in-law have no duty towards them.

The question asked was:

Quote

Who is responsible for taking care of parents and parents-in-laws (financially, physically etc.) among their son, daughter, daughter-in-law and son-in-law and how is the responsibility differ?

 

But yes, for a married woman her husband always has greater rights over her than any other person. But that does not mean all these responsibilities of a single person are mutually exclusive. It should not be a point of conflict. Marriage is supposed to be helping each other with their duties and responsibilities towards Allah and towards other people. A little bit sacrifice, a little bit compromise, some adjustments, may be a relocation can help in these situations.

Surely the mumin husband can understand the pain of her wife and her parents when these elderly persons do not know how to manage due to their health problems and will be willing to make some adjustments.

Fiqh answers are sometimes black and white. According to fiqh, a husband can forbid a wife from leaving the house any time he wants. But according to fiqh the wife can also demand a divorce by giving up her right of mahr. But laws of Allah teaches us that divorce is the most hated permissible act. Laws of Allah also teaches us akhlaq which encourages us to not always look for our rights but to do good for people, be it our neighbors, be it our relatives or even be it a street dog. 

I know this is not the answer for the sister's dilemma. I hope a lot of dua and a lot of communication would solve her problem

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11 minutes ago, Binte Zahra said:

But laws of Allah teaches us that divorce is the most hated permissible act. Laws of Allah also teaches us akhlaq which encourages us to not always look for our rights but to do good for people, be it our neighbors, be it our relatives or even be it a street dog. 

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Walaykum asalam WWB sister.

If we all cared about the laws of Allah swt we wouldn't be divided into 73 branches. As you can see what we are witnessing around the world are signs of the end times. We cant change everything or anyone, but what  we can do is to pray to Allah swt to hasten the return of our Imam e zaman a.s inshallah. We can all unite instead of fighting each other over petty little stupid things. We are supposed to cry and help our Imam e zaman, not him crying for us for our divisions and keeping away from Allah for the love of this materialistic world.

Wasalam.

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Salam,'

The right of the husband comes first over the right of your parent, this has been evident in several hadith of Prophet Mohamed pbuh and Ahlul Bayt a.s. (I will look for some and post them online)

I read in a well know hadith book that once a wife's husband was on a mission for the Prophet pbuh and before he left he told his wife you are not allowed to leave the house until I get back, in that time the wife's father was very sick so she asked her son to call the Prophet pbuh for advise, the Prophet pbuh told her that you cannot visit your father because it goes against what your husband had told you to do. Soon after her father passed away from his sickness and again the Prophet pbuh advised her that you are not allowed to go and watch the burial of your father until your husband has given you permission.

So brothers and sisters, listening to your parents is a right of your parent , however it cannot conflict with the wishes of your husband or the laws of Allah swt.

Even in ordinary life its not as simple as to listen to parents blindly so to speak, we must honor and respect our parents and not use a tone above there tone however there are a few scenarios that prohibit a wife from her duties to her parents and one of them is her husband.

I just want to add that Allah swt will judge and unjust husband or wife however as long as we accept to be in a lawful marriage then we must also accept the rights that Allah swt has given our partner ie husband or wife in the shariah law.

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

Yes, I'm aware of that hadith Brother JT, I've read it myself.  It is so easy for all of us to say to this sister go and listen to your husband, but the daughter sees this answer as turning her back against her parents during time of need.  All there lives they were caring for their children and now, if their sons were godless and they have a faithful daughter, Islam will tell her listen to your husband.  That response is not clicking with her.  She says I have children of my own, what example am I setting for my children when they see me not being there for her parents?

If their sons are not God fearing and basically they do not do any religious obligations towards their parents, how can she tolerate seeing her parents in dire need and she walks out on them because she needs to attend to her husband needs.  They are approaching 80s for the father and late 60s for the mother with a list of health problems.  Husband is in perfect health and needs no physical assistance whatsoever.

Of course I will tell her the fiqh answer.  But she points out with quranic verses and says show me where am I supposed to be dutiful towards my husband in Quran when it is clear that I need to be dutiful and good towards my parents. You will tell me it is in hadith that her duty and responsibility towards her husband, but she says show me in Quran.

This is happening to so many families in the west.  Many Muslim parents are ending up in the nursing home.  This was unheard of back in the Eastern countries.  Everyone knows the responsibility is on the oldest son, but there are many cases where the oldest son doesn't take his parents in due to the refusal of his wife, career, negligent, or bluntly doesn't care and says the other siblings can take them in instead.  This is the reality we are living in now. 

In this sister's situation, her parents are living in their home and do not want to burden her husband in moving in with her.  All they have is their dignity left and they are not about to beg for the SIL to allow them to see their daughter.  I can really feel for this sister, how can I possibly advice her?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

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Salam Sister Laayla

I understand her frustration and stand with her on wanting to help her parents, I believe no person should be forced away from there parents.

However , the law is the law. Her husband will be judged by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) not us and not you and not her. 

Do you know who she follows? We can ask his fatwa about it.

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Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum JT,

She follows Sayyid Seeistani.

This was her reply:

BEGIN TEXT
 [where are your facts


I believe you have it flipped


And I'm basing that on the Quran and ahadith


The riwayat go towards parents


Whereas some
Get married and commit to their husband and don't help their parents


I don't believe that is our religion


And I'm basing it again on the verses I sent you


And the literature and information I have read


It's not about my situation I am discussing


It's jurisprudence

Get married and forget your parents doesn't go with what Quran says


[My sisters] could have come too but [they] decided not to that was [their] decision


And everyone makes their decisions


And choices.] END TEXT

 

She is now saying her sisters have responsibilities toward their parents too, but they committed towards their own family and made the choice not to go to parent's house and help.  I said one daughter offered for them to go to her house and she serves them in her home.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Edited by Laayla
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Guest Revisit

Many married women have this dilemma.

How does Islam resolve this?

What about the parents who don’t have a son and only daughters. Then what?

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