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In the Name of God بسم الله

My husband and his second wife

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I would like some advice on my marraige situation. I have been married for 19 years and have children. Our marraige has been very rocky. I lived through alot of opposition from my husbands family because we are from diffetent cultures. Personally I think he only married me to begin with for a british passport. During our marraige we lived apart on many occasions because of his unstability and not having a permanent house. He visited Pakistan alot during those times and threatened to remarry. Luckily his uncle talked him out of it. 

When my youngest son was 1 year old things got really bad. He moved out of my room. He dissapeared to Pakistan for 4 days. Remarried. After a few months I went to my parents house for the kids holidays and got an anonymous phonecall telling me he had remarried. 

My whole world fell apart. But I still went back hoping he would see sense and regret it. But he didnt. It lasted 3 weeks. He beat me and police was called. I left. We lived apart for 5 years. He got a caution from the police with a fine. He moved back to Pak and luved there for the next few years. During this time I have gone from strength to strength. I went back to uni and got a Masters. Kids are doing well. I bought my house. He tried to get in contact but I refused. He is avoiding divorce. He has now come back to Uk and says he wants to make amends but he cant leave other woman either. I dont know of I fully believe him..

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Divorce is a last resort. Are you certain you have reached that point? It definitely isn't something to be taken lightly. If you are sure you can never respect your husband again, talk with an aalim about the procedures you need to take for divorce. 

Congratulations on all you have worked for and accomplished! May your children grow to become good and successful adults. 

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Still i don't know why people can't stay calm and believe in discussion instead of force. And why society is so against polygamy .. even they are mourning for so many Ahlulbait martyred in Karbala who are from Same father but different mothers. Either they are just Hypocrite and showing themself Shia in society but never allow something good in society.

If he can love both wife equally , why then he believe more in force instead of discussion ? And its his mistake he should ask permission from you to remarry.

Anyways we can't pass any judgement or conclusion unless second party too tell his side story. Bcoz its not justified to pass judgement or reach conclusion by listening one side.

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1 hour ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

I would like some advice on my marraige situation. I have been married for 19 years and have children.

bismillah.gif

Your story doesn't make sense,  either because I am stupid or your English grammar is bad...or it could be a little of both. But then again it might be me, I cant sleep at night and tired. Nothing makes sense to me right now.

1 hour ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

During our marraige we lived apart on many occasions

I take it that you lived with him for  enough time to have two kids and they are 3 months apart??

 

1 hour ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

When my youngest son was 1 year old things got really bad. He moved out of my room. He dissapeared to Pakistan for 4 days. Remarried. After a few months I went to my parents house for the kids holidays and got an anonymous phonecall telling me he had remarried. 

I am sorry but I have a hard time understanding this part.

 

1 hour ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

My whole world fell apart. But I still went back hoping he would see sense and regret it. But he didnt. It lasted 3 weeks. He beat me and police was called. I left. We lived apart for 5 years. He got a caution from the police with a fine. He moved back to Pak and luved there for the next few years.

Please sister let me understand this, now you have been married to this guy from different cultures who wanted a British citizenship ( now I am curious how you guys met) for 19 years, but maybe lived together for almost two years (I assume because of two kids???)

 

1 hour ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

 He has now come back to Uk and says he wants to make amends but he cant leave other woman either. I dont know of I fully believe him..

So you don't know whether or not you want to give him a second chance to see if he is going to screw your life again and the other wife's life? You want to know if he is going to be with you only and leave the other wife or not? So all those lonely nights did not teach you anything about him?  Have you ever heard this saying: "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...shame on me"? I am surprised you did not divorce him all these years that he wasn't with you, Thank God, Shia women can ask for a divorce. The first rule to marry a second wife, is you have to have the permission of the first wife, from your story, I am sure he did not ask you. So sister, please don't get offended if I tell you this, you went through hell with this no good husband for the past 19 years and suffered a lot, you want our advice if you want to suffer again with this man, for the rest of your life? Personally here is my advice, DIVORCE HIM ASAP!

May Allah swt end your suffering and bless you and your family with good health and janatil ferdows in the hereafter Inshallah. Ameen.

ws2.png

 

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Don't let him in YOUR house, he has to work and provide for you.  He has to CONSISTENTLY demonstrate how he will make amends. He can't just buy you flowers once, and then that's it, he comes back and picks up where he left off, NO.  Don't let him in the house, this is the reason he has come back now. 

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3 hours ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

During this time I have gone from strength to strength. I went back to uni and got a Masters. Kids are doing well. I bought my house. He tried to get in contact but I refused. He is avoiding divorce. He has now come back to Uk and says he wants to make amends but he cant leave other woman either. I dont know of I fully believe him..

I dont know what the right answer is for this because Im still young and have not much experience but I wanted to say a very very big Congratulations on getting your life sorted and not giving in to the situations! It takes a strong person to bounce back and build a future with kids so I admire you for that. I hope Allah shows you the best way through this situation.

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2 hours ago, notme said:

Divorce is a last resort. Are you certain you have reached that point? It definitely isn't something to be taken lightly. 

bismillah.gif

Did you read the part where she says her husband has a second wife? The woman as been used and abused for the past 19 years, she WAS SUPPORTING HERSELF AND HER KIDS, what possible choice is she left with specially when this jerk is old and probably need blue pills, and probably too old to work and wants to come back and be a free loader?? Sister please tell me, what choice will you have, God forbid, your husband abuse you and then leaves you on and off for 19 years and plus he has a second wife, will you ask yourself what options will you have since divorce is the last resort? She is way past beyond the last resort! I am surprised why she didn't divorce him soon after he married his second wife and remarried herself. She is smart enough to have a master's degree.....

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On 11/15/2016 at 8:21 AM, starlight said:

Did you ask him what made him come back? How does he intend to make amends? 

bismillah.gif

Salam sister. Mashalah, you are a doctor, can you please help me understand this part

((((((((((((((((( He has now come back to Uk and says he wants to make amends but he cant leave other woman either. I dont know of I fully believe him.) ))))

It was ok for him to leave this poor abused 1st wife, but he cant leave his second wife to come back to the first wife?? AND WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE STILL TAKE HIM BACK!????????   Sister Star, is she desperate? Can we recommend a plastic........La houli billah qowata ilah billah!

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5 minutes ago, Endtimes said:

bismillah.gif

Did you read the part where she says her husband has a second wife? The woman as been used and abused for the past 19 years, she WAS SUPPORTING HERSELF AND HER KIDS, what possible choice is she left with specially when this jerk is old and probably need blue pills, and probably too old to work and wants to come back and be a free loader?? Sister please tell me, what choice will you have, God forbid, your husband abuse you and then leaves you on and off for 19 years and plus he has a second wife, will you ask yourself what options will you have since divorce is the last resort? She is way past beyond the last resort! I am surprised why she didn't divorce him soon after he married his second wife and remarried herself. She is smart enough to have a master's degree.....

I 'liked' the other post you made in this thread but here I find so many things I don't agree with.

 Second marriage alone is no reason to jump to divorce. In islam a husband is allowed to remarry even without permission of his first wife, unless it's explicitly been stated in the marriage contract (nikkah). Secondly, most muslim women find it very difficult to get remarried especially if they have kids,most of them end up alone for the rest of their lives so again divorce isn't a decision that should be taken lightly. 

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1 minute ago, Endtimes said:

It was ok for him to leave this poor abused 1st wife, but he cant leave his second wife to come back to the first wife?? AND WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE STILL TAKE HIM BACK!???????? 

I am not saying it's okay to leave her. Raising two kids by yourself is very very difficult. Neither am I implying that she should take him back. I just wanted the sister to think over and answer those questions. I believe this will help clear her mind about the issue she is facing.

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6 minutes ago, starlight said:

I 'liked' the other post you made in this thread but here I find so many things I don't agree with.

 Second marriage alone is no reason to jump to divorce. In islam a husband is allowed to remarry even without permission of his first wife, unless it's explicitly been stated in the marriage contract (nikkah). Secondly, most muslim women find it very difficult to get remarried especially if they have kids,most of them end up alone for the rest of their lives so again divorce isn't a decision that should be taken lightly. 

Sister, there are rules and regulations to having more than one wife, the husband has to TREAT BOTH OF THEM EQUALLY, in this case, he obviously did not do it. Yes, you are right about divorced women having a hard time getting remarried in the so called Islamic countries, but here in the West, divorced women get married and get second divorce, remarry, get 3rd divorce and remarry.......its not a problem here. We can marry more than one wife if the conditions are met, now a days, nobody cares about religion or God so they do whatever they want. Why would any family let a guy marry their daughter as a second wife?? Are there not enough men or what? Islam has brought us from darkness to light, but Maybe some of us Muslims do deserve to be in the dark

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@Endtimes, I know all about abuse and neglect, no need to lecture me! Divorce is the most detested halal thing, it is never to be taken lightly no matter if remarriage is difficult or easy. I can assure you that remarriage is probably the last thing on her mind when she thinks about divorce. The issues of concern are probably mostly related to the rights of the children. 

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Sorry guys. i can't stop laughing at all these comments :grin: Hes a loser I know but he is the father of my kids. Endtimes 

I have been married for 19 years and have 3 kids. sorry about the bad english, was typing while driving. Anyway the funniest thing is the ones who are mostly questioning whether I should go through with divorce are actually men. 

If the tables were turned and it was the woman doing this I wonder how many men would still advise me to think carefully...

There's lots I left out from this story, like the bit that the second wife is a golddigger and will wait it out till she gets her british passport. He came back because he has problems with her. She doesn't give his parents the time of day, Oh and she cant have kids apparently. I believe in the sanctity of marriage very much and don't take divorce lightly. Many times I have tried to divorce but something always has come in the way or stopped us. 

His family is a mess and there are lots of issues but the point is even if he means it I feel its all half-hearted. Its all about him wanting to clear his guilt and not really about me or the kids....

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6 minutes ago, notme said:

@Endtimes, I know all about abuse and neglect, no need to lecture me! Divorce is the most detested halal thing, it is never to be taken lightly no matter if remarriage is difficult or easy. I can assure you that remarriage is probably the last thing on her mind when she thinks about divorce. The issues of concern are probably mostly related to the rights of the children. 

Sorry to hear that, but have you ever been the second wife where he wouldn't support you with two kids, or financial help etc?? If prophet Mohammad s.a.w. was alive today I am sure he would advice her to divorce him. You sisters make Allah like a Monster (astaghfurillah), that if you do this, Allah would get mad, if you do that, Allah would get mad....Allah is very kind, very loving, Allah has made life easy. Her husband did not do her justice and we all know how Allah swt warns us about doing unjust to one another specially women/wives.

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25 minutes ago, Endtimes said:

Sister, there are rules and regulations to having more than one wife, the husband has to TREAT BOTH OF THEM EQUALLY, in this case, he obviously did not do it. Yes, you are right about divorced women having a hard time getting remarried in the so called Islamic countries, but here in the West, divorced women get married and get second divorce, remarry, get 3rd divorce and remarry.......its not a problem here. We can marry more than one wife if the conditions are met, now a days, nobody cares about religion or God so they do whatever they want. Why would any family let a guy marry their daughter as a second wife?? Are there not enough men or what? Islam has brought us from darkness to light, but Maybe some of us Muslims do deserve to be in the dark

m not interested in ever marrying again. He never treated us equally.... Endtimes you really must think more before quoting. This is about my current marriage. On one hand you are saying his marriage is acceptable and also discouraging me on second marriage? There are many sisters who are happy in second marriages. 

I just want to discuss my situation which is he is not supporting us. I earn and run the house, he earns and sends money to a woman who has no responsibility other than to look beautiful for her husband. When I complain he tells me he has no money. 

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3 hours ago, alirex said:

Still i don't know why people can't stay calm and believe in discussion instead of force. And why society is so against polygamy .. even they are mourning for so many Ahlulbait martyred in Karbala who are from Same father but different mothers. Either they are just Hypocrite and showing themself Shia in society but never allow something good in society.

If he can love both wife equally , why then he believe more in force instead of discussion ? And its his mistake he should ask permission from you to remarry.

Anyways we can't pass any judgement or conclusion unless second party too tell his side story. Bcoz its not justified to pass judgement or reach conclusion by listening one side.

You think as a man. What you forget is the Imams where Imams, not average men. There is very few men who can do justice like this now. Prophet Muhammed s.a. never remarried while bibi Khadija a.s. was alive and Imam Ali a.s listened to bibi Fatimah a.s. request to not marry while she was still living.

Im not perfect but I have worked very hard on my marriage.

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8 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

Endtimes you really must think more before quoting. This is about my current marriage. On one hand you are saying his marriage is acceptable and also discouraging me on second marriage?

When did I ever say that? Sister, please re read my replies before you insult me. I have never heard, or seen any Muslim woman who lives in the West to have accepted of being the second wife, never! How you are ok with this specially that he doesn't help you financially(his responsibility) boggles my mind even more. I don't even think desperation is the word here, its above and beyond desperation.

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4 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

You think as a man.

8 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

What you forget is the Imams where Imams, not average men. There is very few men who can do justice like this now

What you forget is the Imams where Imams, not average men. There is very few men who can do justice like this now. Prophet Muhammed s.a. never remarried while bibi Khadija a.s. was alive and Imam Ali a.s listened to bibi Fatimah a.s. request to not marry while she was still living.

Im not perfect but I have worked very hard on my marriage.

do you know in Islam is someone oppresses you, he is a sinner, and if the victim takes the oppression, he/she sins too because we are supposed to stand up against oppressors and fight back.

 

8 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

What you forget is the Imams where Imams, not average men. There is very few men who can do justice like this now.

Really?? Are you serious?? Then listen to this, Allah says if you can not be just to YOUR WIVES then MARRY ONLY ONE!

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On 11/15/2016 at 11:03 AM, Endtimes said:

What exactly is it that you want me to stop now?? 

You should stop giving advice on matters you know nothing about. You should stop criticizing the sincere advice already given. By all means read and learn, but you don't have to answer everything. 

As for "flashbacks" and "taking out on you", that's just silly. You asked if I knew anything about her situation. I answered. So what's your expertise? 

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On 11/15/2016 at 11:10 AM, notme said:

You should stop giving advice on matters you know nothing about. You should stop criticizing the sincere advice already given. By all means read and learn, but you don't have to answer everything. 

As for "flashbacks" and "taking out on you", that's just silly. You asked if I knew anything about her situation. I answered. So what's your expertise? 

There is a bid difference between sincere advice and emotional advice! If you think that was "your sincere advice" then you should have taken your own sincere advice and should have stayed your husband. There is an Hadith that says: don't remember the exact Hadith but it goes something like this, " want for others what you want for yourself". Why would you want a woman, forget that she is a Shia, why would you want another woman to be taken advantage of again, , to be abused again,  and to be used again??  I don't have any expertise, all I saw with her story was someone was using her, abusing her, taking advantage of her, doing injustice to her and when I see injustice being done to someone I will stand up for them and fight the oppressor.

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43 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

I just want to discuss my situation which is he is not supporting us. I earn and run the house, he earns and sends money to a woman who has no responsibility other than to look beautiful for her husband. When I complain he tells me he has no money. 

You owe him nothing. If he doesn't fulfill his obligations to you, you don't have to do a thing for him. Furthermore, whatever you have invested in your own and your children's support and care, he is indebted to you that amount. After divorce (if you do proceed with it) he is still obligated to provide for the children but not you. Of course anything you pay willingly would be considered charity and a good deed. (Small consolation, I know.)

 

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@Endtimes, I didn't tell her not to divorce. I advised her to be certain. You are making a fool of yourself and I'd rather not help you with that, so this will be my last reply to you in this topic. I wish you wisdom. :)

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2 minutes ago, notme said:

@Endtimes, I didn't tell her not to divorce. I advised her to be certain. You are making a fool of yourself and I'd rather not help you with that, so this will be my last reply to you in this topic. I wish you wisdom. :)

So when you cant win and know you are wrong you resort to insult?? Yes, please stop replying!  I rather not waste my time with you.

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@Endtimes

No one here said that her husband did the right thing when he abandoned her and the kids, just like no one here told her to forgive him and immediately take him back again. Divorce is a right that a woman has in islam, it's not a compulsion but a choice. If the OP decided to continue with the marriage regardless of her husband's behaviour it was her choice and there is nothing wrong with it. She wasn't going through abuse, and if the husband was neglectful towards the children and not taking care of their expenses then a divorce wouldn't have changed that. 

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6 hours ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

I would like some advice on my marraige situation. I have been married for 19 years and have children. Our marraige has been very rocky. I lived through alot of opposition from my husbands family because we are from diffetent cultures. Personally I think he only married me to begin with for a british passport. During our marraige we lived apart on many occasions because of his unstability and not having a permanent house. He visited Pakistan alot during those times and threatened to remarry. Luckily his uncle talked him out of it. 

When my youngest son was 1 year old things got really bad. He moved out of my room. He dissapeared to Pakistan for 4 days. Remarried. After a few months I went to my parents house for the kids holidays and got an anonymous phonecall telling me he had remarried. 

My whole world fell apart. But I still went back hoping he would see sense and regret it. But he didnt. It lasted 3 weeks. He beat me and police was called. I left. We lived apart for 5 years. He got a caution from the police with a fine. He moved back to Pak and luved there for the next few years. During this time I have gone from strength to strength. I went back to uni and got a Masters. Kids are doing well. I bought my house. He tried to get in contact but I refused. He is avoiding divorce. He has now come back to Uk and says he wants to make amends but he cant leave other woman either. I dont know of I fully believe him..

Salam,

Do you know what you want and need confirmation of your choice or do you want people to talk you out of it? You gut instinct must be telling you what is right.

As others have said only you and your husband really know what happened, based on what you have have told us, your husband isn't a very nice man.

If you do chose to go with divorce, at least your children have grown up without him, so it won't impact too heavily on them, and it might be for the best because honestly, the story as you have told it shows that he is a very sinister person (that phone call to your parent's home!? that is low).

Good luck insha'Allah.

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2 hours ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

You think as a man. What you forget is the Imams where Imams, not average men. There is very few men who can do justice like this now. Prophet Muhammed s.a. never remarried while bibi Khadija a.s. was alive and Imam Ali a.s listened to bibi Fatimah a.s. request to not marry while she was still living.

Im not perfect but I have worked very hard on my marriage.

That is what the actual problem with us. We never like to walk on the steps on Imams. If Imams were doing justice with anyone we too must do that .. then only claim that we are Shia of Imam Ali (as) else what is the use to call Shia ? Shia means follower .. what are we following ? Steps of Imam or just praise for Imam ?

Anyways my wife allowed me to remarry any girl who really need support of a man, and that is big thing for me. That is enough from her side and that is respectable enough. And with that respect i am not going to marry , neither our society likes any married man for there Daughter ... Whether there daughter is getting old , or widow , or divorced. They can cry for the situation but never like to go islamic way with the situation.

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Salam 

I don't know why it happens whenever I make myself think all men are not selfish idiots ............

Some of them can be good some of the woman can be treated equally and respectfully by her husband the very next moment I get a reality check

Men are that species of this world who can never change 

Selfish creatures

Anyway I feel sorry what happened but plz think before u do anything I won't advice u m very small to advice u may Allah bless u 

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Im sorry to hear about your situation Notme. Im just being defensive because its hard to open up and write about the things I've been through. I don't like telling people and I just feel vulnerable. It can't have been easy.. I am going through something very similar.Im sorry if I offended anyone here .. I put this post up for a second opinion, because I don't want to make a decision I may regret later on. At least things are a little clearer in my mind now :/

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6 minutes ago, Ziaratekarbala said:

Im sorry to hear about your situation Notme. Im just being defensive because its hard to open up and write about the things I've been through. 

Mine was a long time ago, it seems another lifetime. I've since remarried and my life is easy and good now. Everything in life is just for a period of time. The thing about suffering is that we can use it to improve our empathy for the sufferings of others, or we can let it make us bitter. 

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