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In the Name of God بسم الله

Verbally Abusive Husband

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We have been married for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old baby. 
In those 5 years I have been through a lot. In the first few months my husband started doubting me saying that I was talking to some guy on the side while we were engaged. He was just a friend and my husband took it the wrong way. I believe he got jealous and he got physically abusive with me. I used to have hand print bruises on my face and arms and it was just a horrible time for me. eventually when I told him I am going to leave him and I will tell my parents he realized what he was doing and that it was wrong and he saw regardless of all that I still stuck around. He apologized and was truly ashamed for what he had done and since then he hasn't laid a finger on me. 

Four years later...We still had arguments but after a while he started becoming very rude and scary whenever he got angry. He would break things like the remote and even my phone once. He sometimes even calls me horrible names which hurts me more than anything else. Even till today (at least twice a month) it still continues and I feel like I have had enough...I can't handle his anger anymore. I hate living in the fear of when his next episode will be. 

His anger doesn't last long and when he's not angry and we're not fighting he actually is a good husband and an amazing father. He loves our son a lot which makes it very hard on me. I just don't know what to do. I've tried many times to calmly explain to him that what he is doing isn't right..and he even agrees with me but this understanding doesn't last very long. I Just feel so helpless. 

If anyone has any suggestions or comments please let me know. 

Thank you for reading this far!!

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57 minutes ago, Sra123 said:

We have been married for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old baby. 
In those 5 years I have been through a lot. In the first few months my husband started doubting me saying that I was talking to some guy on the side while we were engaged. He was just a friend and my husband took it the wrong way. I believe he got jealous and he got physically abusive with me. I used to have hand print bruises on my face and arms and it was just a horrible time for me. eventually when I told him I am going to leave him and I will tell my parents he realized what he was doing and that it was wrong and he saw regardless of all that I still stuck around. He apologized and was truly ashamed for what he had done and since then he hasn't laid a finger on me. 

Four years later...We still had arguments but after a while he started becoming very rude and scary whenever he got angry. He would break things like the remote and even my phone once. He sometimes even calls me horrible names which hurts me more than anything else. Even till today (at least twice a month) it still continues and I feel like I have had enough...I can't handle his anger anymore. I hate living in the fear of when his next episode will be. 

His anger doesn't last long and when he's not angry and we're not fighting he actually is a good husband and an amazing father. He loves our son a lot which makes it very hard on me. I just don't know what to do. I've tried many times to calmly explain to him that what he is doing isn't right..and he even agrees with me but this understanding doesn't last very long. I Just feel so helpless. 

If anyone has any suggestions or comments please let me know. 

Thank you for reading this far!!

Salamun alaykum.

In my opinion, to divorce must be the last resort specially when such decision brings negative consequences for your child as well. There are various ways to test before getting divorced.

To begin with, it may help if you ask him to visit a psychologist or consultant. In many cases, such uncontrollable but quick anger which leads to aggression can be cured by some medicines or even some practices.

You may also try to find what makes him angry and make an attempt to remove the causes which anger him.

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3 hours ago, Sra123 said:

We have been married for almost 5 years and we have a 2 year old baby. 
In those 5 years I have been through a lot. In the first few months my husband started doubting me saying that I was talking to some guy on the side while we were engaged. He was just a friend and my husband took it the wrong way. I believe he got jealous and he got physically abusive with me. I used to have hand print bruises on my face and arms and it was just a horrible time for me. eventually when I told him I am going to leave him and I will tell my parents he realized what he was doing and that it was wrong and he saw regardless of all that I still stuck around. He apologized and was truly ashamed for what he had done and since then he hasn't laid a finger on me. 

Four years later...We still had arguments but after a while he started becoming very rude and scary whenever he got angry. He would break things like the remote and even my phone once. He sometimes even calls me horrible names which hurts me more than anything else. Even till today (at least twice a month) it still continues and I feel like I have had enough...I can't handle his anger anymore. I hate living in the fear of when his next episode will be. 

His anger doesn't last long and when he's not angry and we're not fighting he actually is a good husband and an amazing father. He loves our son a lot which makes it very hard on me. I just don't know what to do. I've tried many times to calmly explain to him that what he is doing isn't right..and he even agrees with me but this understanding doesn't last very long. I Just feel so helpless. 

If anyone has any suggestions or comments please let me know. 

Thank you for reading this far!!

Well, in my opinion you should make him attend some anger management classes. Talk to your parents or consult with a marriage counselling. Tell him you need some space and stay with your parents for a while with your child make him realize that he doing wrong with you and you can't handle this anymore. talk to him dont be scared. My prayers are with you sister IN SHAH Allah everything will be alright. 

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Ya Allah, it makes me sad to read this.

I think you should do a couple of things, see if anger management classes can be something for him, maybe martial arts, etc.

Use his love for his son in favor for him changing his temperament, tell him his son will learn from him this wrong behavior.

Also I think you should try and involve the elders, your family, his family, someone who can act as a elder between you guys to help you better understand each other. I think he do loves you and your child but this cant continue in the current state and it has to change.

You should also try and tell him how you feel, how you are afraid and how he is making you feel afraid and that it is really hurtful for you. Some times the lack of communication, because we assume the other person thinks like us, is the source of many problems. But also tell him that you think that when he is not angry, he is a great husband and father not only the bad things and tell him that you like him as well and that you really want to make it better for both of you and for your son and the families future.

InshaAllah it will get better, your in my duas.

If the beating starts again, thats a red line and you have to tell your parents and his parents.

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Sister, divorce should be taken as the last option minus 100.

Since he recognizes the problem, buy up an anger management session (a 10-12 hours session won't cost much), sing him up and give him as a wedding anniversary gift in a loving way.

My experience, affection and love fixes a lots of conflicts in marriage as opposed to shouting match. Crushing ones ego with the other half is the most successful recipe for a happy married life. When to speak, when to remain silent, when to answer, and when to just tackle it later, all of it. 

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15 minutes ago, (patience) said:

Ah, as if OP is Angel/parsa didn't done anything !

Thank you for your advice but uncontrolled anger is not the way to react if you have issues with your wife.

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1 hour ago, (patience) said:

Ah, as if OP is Angel/parsa didn't done anything !

While there is some logic to your statement the fault still lies with the husband for not being able to control himself (no matter how much "blame" lies upon the wife...nothing warrants physical abuse).

Regardless, of whatever the wife may have said or done. It falls upon the husband to control himself and to try to find a solution to whatever problem might he happening at that time.

Based on what the wife has said he seems a bit emotionally stunted/immature. i.e. when he got insecure when he found out she was friends with a guy. 

Sounds to me as if he's got some deep rooted psychological issues at play. The most common disorder in people who have these reactions to things is known as "Intermittent Explosive Disorder".

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder/basics/definition/con-20024309

He seems to be exhibiting all of the signs of that.

That being said, if the OP was living in the West I'd tell her to move on with her life and dump him because there's no reason to sacrifice her life and happiness over a guy like that. Not sure where she lives in the world (because there are quite a few places that a single mom/divorcee would have things even more difficult than with him).

On a side note, being the father of a daughter reading posts like the OP's shakes me to my soul out of fear of what my daughter could possibly go through. Of course, if I ever found out a guy ever laid a finger on her its going to be quite painful for him. My anger would know no limits and I'd probably end up doing something that would land me in prison.

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Salam honestly m not experienced person or have any idea of marriages

But I feel bad for ur child more than what I feel fr u

But my sympathies are with ur husband

Anger ego are diseases and he is suffering from such diseases

And I agree that divorce is no solution to this 

I feel where nothing can work only Allah his messanger and ahlulbait can work 

Try out some Islamic way maybe our great scholars would know better from sayings of ahlulbait a.s

And surely love and knowledge and recognition of Islam prophet and ahlulbait is cure for hearts our maula is the best teacher for anger management

All above ur efforts dua prayers can change situations

I.a everything will be fine 

Sorry if u find anything wrong in my words 

 

 

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I haven't read all the replies, but I will tell you what most people have been saying: Leave.

You do not deserve this abuse. Many woman who are abused tend to stay in marriages out fear. Know that you have a support system, and that you must get out of this unfortunate situation.

Please. 

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Salamu Alaikum!

Hugs! Many people jump and say, the woman is not innocent. She is not pure. Putting the blame of abuse on the victim isn't appropriate and it doesn't help.

Most Muslim women that I know of, the abuse gets worse over time.

You can try and get elders involved, anger management, etc.

But if he's not willing to change, then all the advice in the world isn't going to help.

If you feel unsafe, creating a safe house for yourself, and a healthy plan to get away are in order.

I know many Muslims mention Divorce as a last action, but it sounds like your husband has had abusive behavior from the very beginning. I know many women, Muslim and not, and it can end in death.

So please be careful. Pray and plan carefully ukhti.

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I think this should be a lesson for all of us. we should solve serious matters I.e physical abuse, as soon as possible, before it is too late. 

In this case , the baby should be the first priority . if the mother thinks a divorce can save her and the child's life in the long run, then the short term pain caused by that divorce should be bearable. 

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