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In the Name of God بسم الله

Unfaithful spouse

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Assalam u alaikum.

I would like to request a religious advice, one that is practical as well in today's day and age. A very very dear family member has just discovered that her husband has cheated on her with a one night fling in a foreign country to which he visits regularly for work. 

Previously they were living in 2 different countries, had some marriage issues but overall the marriage was lovely. 

They have 2 very small children. A little background on them: the husband is very soft spoken, not violent at all but occasionally drinks with friends and smokes marijuana/hashish every day. 

The lady is very pious, close to Allah and Ahlai bait( A.S.). They are both shia syeds. The husband is not a bad man overall and a very loving father but seems he has hid these things along with watching porn etc from his wife. She recently found out. 

He has also strictly forbidden to paying towards the children should his wife keep the kids with her. But it has become emotionally very difficult for her. She is a highly educated professional but is very.confused what to do as she's emotionally shattered, though very strong. Another thing is the husband never likes any even mild form of discussion or argument. He lives in his own world and bubble: friends who drink and party.

 

What is the correct islamic jurisprudence to her problem as her husband does not want to talk about it/doesnt spend time with her but is always in his mother's room and little interaction with her. 

Interestingly she left her high-powered job in a different country, recently gave birth to their born and moved to Pakistan with him.

What should she do? I have had many discussions with her but an aalim's advice or one of you learned people can help. 

Thanks in advance dear brothers and sisters. 

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the first option is always an attempt at reconciliation. is the man willing to do istigfaar and change his ways? is the woman willing to forgive?

drinking alcohol and smoking chars is not some small detail that can be shrugged off - they are major sins. does he swear to never go near them again?

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So basically as long as she quietly puts up with his infidelity and other haram activities things remain fine in the marriage at least on the surface. 

He is unwilling to even talk about these issues which shows he has no plans of giving up on these. 

It's really upto the wife now  to decide if she wants to continue living with a man who committs major sins. 

Would she be able to financially and emotionally manage is she decides to separate or divorce? How supportive are his and her family ? 

 

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17 hours ago, NJA said:

A very very dear family member has just discovered that her husband has cheated on her with a one night fling in a foreign country to which he visits regularly for work. 

How did she find this out? Word of mouth or was there some evidence that she found? 

17 hours ago, NJA said:

Previously they were living in 2 different countries, had some marriage issues but overall the marriage was lovely. 

What type of issues were they having? Sounds like there were underlying issues within their marriage anyway.

17 hours ago, NJA said:

the husband is very soft spoken, not violent at all but occasionally drinks with friends and smokes marijuana/hashish every day. 

Did she know about these habits before she married him ?

17 hours ago, NJA said:

The husband is not a bad man overall and a very loving father but seems he has hid these things along with watching porn etc from his wife. She recently found out. 

Well lets see...he drinks, smokes Hash, cheats on his wife and watches Porn? Not a good mate I would say. Also, he's very emotionally immature. He probably didn't want to get married in the first place to her but his parents pushed him into it since he was getting older. 

17 hours ago, NJA said:

He has also strictly forbidden to paying towards the children should his wife keep the kids with her.

So he has no love or concern with his childrens' well being if his wife gets custody of the kids? His true character is starting to show through in my opinion. 

17 hours ago, NJA said:

She is a highly educated professional but is very.confused what to do as she's emotionally shattered, though very strong.

She needs to decide what step she wants to take next. Either stay with him and accept how he is (perhaps for the sake of the children) or dump him and move on with life somehow. Either way having young children like that will only complicate matters as their future needs to override her own future.

Personally, I think she should dump him and since she is an educated professional she should move on with life since she has a means to support herself. Life won't be easy but it'll be better than spending it with him.

17 hours ago, NJA said:

Another thing is the husband never likes any even mild form of discussion or argument.

That's because he doesn't want to expose his own guilt.

17 hours ago, NJA said:

He lives in his own world and bubble: friends who drink and party.

Again, did she know all of this before she married him?

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It seems like for a lot of women, emotional affairs are acceptable but physical affairs are very hard to accept. Most of the men are having emotional affairs. I have seen many girls who are living with their married sisters. It's either wife's sister or husband's cousin or wife's friend. It seems like a rule that there has to be one girl /woman either living with couple or spending a lot of time with them. Yet we only hear about woman protesting when husband does a second marriage or has a physical affair. Now I know that physical affair is a major sin while emotional affair is a minor sin. But if you repeat a minor sin daily for years, it can become a major sin. I know that people will tell me that it's slander but I keep asking people and I fail to understand why would a girl want to live with a married couple or how can a girl be 'friend' with a couple even if it's her sister and brother-in-law. 

My analysis is that OP's husband is a stupid person. He is harming himself by committing major sins but the good thing about him is he is not harming his wife. There are men who drive their wives towards committing suicide and major sins but they remain good and religous in the eyes of society. OP should definitely give another chance to her husband. Such men are found in west but not in Pakistan. It's easier to hear about your husband's affair than to see it happening in front of your eyes daily for years. I recently heard a guy telling on TV, 'when I was young, one of my mother's sister always lived with us. One sister lived, she got married, then other sister started living with us, then she got married and so on.

Men give this excuse: if I am having an affair in front of my wife, I am being honest and since she is present, I don't cross my limits'.  I would like to know what do they mean by limits? I guess limits only means physical touch. Islam allows men four marriages but Islam doesn't require those four wives to be best friends. This condition is created by men. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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On Friday, October 21, 2016 at 1:17 AM, NJA said:

Assalam u alaikum.

I would like to request a religious advice, one that is practical as well in today's day and age. A very very dear family member has just discovered that her husband has cheated on her with a one night fling in a foreign country to which he visits regularly for work. 

Previously they were living in 2 different countries, had some marriage issues but overall the marriage was lovely. 

They have 2 very small children. A little background on them: the husband is very soft spoken, not violent at all but occasionally drinks with friends and smokes marijuana/hashish every day. 

The lady is very pious, close to Allah and Ahlai bait( A.S.). They are both shia syeds. The husband is not a bad man overall and a very loving father but seems he has hid these things along with watching porn etc from his wife. She recently found out. 

He has also strictly forbidden to paying towards the children should his wife keep the kids with her. But it has become emotionally very difficult for her. She is a highly educated professional but is very.confused what to do as she's emotionally shattered, though very strong. Another thing is the husband never likes any even mild form of discussion or argument. He lives in his own world and bubble: friends who drink and party.

 

What is the correct islamic jurisprudence to her problem as her husband does not want to talk about it/doesnt spend time with her but is always in his mother's room and little interaction with her. 

Interestingly she left her high-powered job in a different country, recently gave birth to their born and moved to Pakistan with him.

What should she do? I have had many discussions with her but an aalim's advice or one of you learned people can help. 

Thanks in advance dear brothers and sisters. 

I'm gonna give you the sad straight up truth. Your girl's marriage started incorrectly and unislamically (because islam promotes asking about your potential). The girls family and herself should of picked up on all these habits because honestly it is not difficult. If she had found out who his friends are you can know what he does, college people etc.. Hence, i doubt she didnt know about the hashish and drinking habit. These habits build up in a bad soul, they dont just appear in marriage. Marriage is serious, do ASK about them LEARN about them, OBSERVE their body language. Anyways... now with the issue unfortunately you thinking hes a good father is silly i'm sorry. A good father avoids major sins to set an example, clearly he could not care less for their deen and even morals. I say she needs to talk about it to him, tell her kids to go somewhere else these arguments are not healthy for kids. AND really talk, but as you mentionned he does not like talking about it and this is because he has become addicted to the sin so much so, that he feels the talk is useless because he wants his way. THATS IGNORANCE. So now if she does talk and he does not change his ways, she has to leave him she cant grow her kids in a toxic environment, like that. Drug/drunks do not stay the same, their condition gets worse over time. Tell her to pray and make duas, God makes this easy. But again at the end of the day the marriage didnt start off correctly. 

 

Edited by Z1111
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بسم الله الرحمن الرحیم

امن یجیب المضطر اذا دعاه و یکشف السوء و یجعلهم خلفاء الارض ءاله مع الله قلیلا ما تذکرون

Doa .. Ask Allah every thing . when peaple has not any way to solve his problem should ask God to solve it and ofcourse you ought not to ask people when God is influential .

This is a Doa quoted by Imam Sajad for acceptation of needs :

must reed 100 times :

إِلَهِی کَیْفَ أَدْعُوکَ وَ أَنَا أَنَا وَ کَیْفَ أَقْطَعُ رَجَائِی مِنْکَ وَ أَنْتَ أَنْتَ إِلَهِی إِذَا لَمْ أَسْأَلْکَ فَتُعْطِیَنِی فَمَنْ ذَا الَّذِی أَسْأَلُهُ فَیُعْطِینِی إِلَهِی إِذَا لَمْ أَدْعُکَ [أَدْعُوکَ‏] فَتَسْتَجِیبَ لِی فَمَنْ ذَا الَّذِی أَدْعُوهُ فَیَسْتَجِیبُ لِی إِلَهِی إِذَا لَمْ أَتَضَرَّعْ إِلَیْکَ فَتَرْحَمَنِی فَمَنْ ذَا الَّذِی أَتَضَرَّعُ إِلَیْهِ فَیَرْحَمُنِی إِلَهِی فَکَمَا فَلَقْتَ الْبَحْرَ لِمُوسَى عَلَیْهِ السَّلامُ وَ نَجَّیْتَهُ أَسْأَلُکَ أَنْ تُصَلِّیَ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَ آلِهِ وَ أَنْ تُنَجِّیَنِی مِمَّا أَنَا فِیهِ وَ تُفَرِّجَ عَنِّی فَرَجا عَاجِلا غَیْرَ آجِلٍ بِفَضْلِکَ وَ رَحْمَتِکَ یَا أَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِینَ

(شیخ کفعمى ، کتاب بلد الامین)

Or you can do this instruction   to solve this problem . Its for deny people from drinking and doing Haram :

For three days . in per day six times :

سوره نور آیه 35

اللَّهُ نــُورُ الــسَّمَاوَاتِ
وَالْأَرْض ِ‌مَثَلُ نُورِهِ‌كَمِشْكَاةٍ
فِيهَا مِصْبَاحٌ الـْمِصْبَاحُ فِـی
زُجَـاجـَةٍ‌ الـزُّجَاجَـةُ‌ كَـأَنَّهـَا
كَوْكَبٌ دُرِّيٌّ يُوقَدُ مِن‌شَجَرَةٍ
مُّبَارَكَةٍ زَيْتـُونِةٍ لَّا شـَرْقِيـَّةٍ
وَلَاغَرْبِيَّةٍ يَكـَادُ زَيْتُهَا يُضِيءُ
وَلَوْلَمْ تَمْسَسْهُ نَارٌنُّورٌ عَلَى
نُورٍ يَهْدِي اللَّهُ لِـنُورِهِ مَـن
يَــشــَاءُ وَ يَــضــْرِبُ اللَّهُ
الْأَمْثَالَ لِِلنـَّاسِ وَاللَّهُ بِـكُلِّ
شَـــــيْءٍ عَــــلِيـــمٌ

. I hav not come here for a long times but suddenly come . I hope Allah solve your problem . بحق الزهرا سلام الله علیها

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You should compare your life with the lives of married women living around you. Enjoy his shelter as long as he remains kind to you and pray to Allah. May Allah reward him for being kind to you especially in a culture like Pakistan ( why doesn't he learn anything from men around him?). May Allah help him become religous and change his bad habits. I say kindness because when I think about how most husbands treat their wives, silent treatment IS kindness. Avoiding conflict makes him an angel. What if he decides to lecture you on your sins like not having the best cooking and cleaning skills, not being beautiful like an actress, not being anorexic, eating too much and the million ways you can improve in raising your kids. Of course, these are not sins but these are the biggest sins a woman in Pakistan can commit. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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14 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

You should compare your life with the lives of married women living around you. Enjoy his shelter as long as he remains kind to you and pray to Allah. May Allah reward him for being kind to you especially in a culture like Pakistan ( why doesn't he learn anything from men around him?). May Allah help him become religous and change his bad habits. I say kindness because when I think about how most husbands treat their wives, silent treatment IS kindness. Avoiding conflict makes him an angel. What if he decides to lecture you on your sins like not having the best cooking and cleaning skills, not being beautiful like an actress, not being anorexic, eating too much and the million ways you can improve in raising your kids. Of course, these are not sins but these are the biggest sins a woman in Pakistan can commit. 

Reading this makes me sad. I make dua that Allah swt saves you from dealing with men like that in the future. What things you must have gone thru to have this perception regarding the concept of a mans kindness to his wife.

 

A weak man commits sin, the greater the sin the weaker the man. In general, weak men raise weak children and weak men bends in time of hardship.

Dont marry weak men and definetly dont have kids with them.

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2 hours ago, IbnSina said:

Reading this makes me sad. I make dua that Allah swt saves you from dealing with men like that in the future. What things you must have gone thru to have this perception regarding the concept of a mans kindness to his wife.

 

A weak man commits sin, the greater the sin the weaker the man. In general, weak men raise weak children and weak men bends in time of hardship.

 

Thank you for doing dua for me. Whenever I post a rant on shiachat, my life gets better. I know that there are many women who are going through worse but they are not allowed to post a rant on internet. Thank you again. 

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