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Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,

From the title you can see the issue I am currently stuck with. I have met a sunni man and hope to get to know him better before we get married. We both started talking casually and there was no flirting. We talked about our families, issues, future plans of marriage, qualities we wish our future spouses would have. After a while, I realised he ticked so many of the boxes for the qualities of my future husband. I really saw potential in him which I never saw in anyone else before. When I told him how I felt, he was really relieved and said he felt the same and he never felt so sure about introducing a girl to his family. 

We both agreed that we wanted to be with each other with the intention of marrying each other. He is a sunni but a good muslim so Im not worried about the shia-sunni issue. We havent been on any dates since we only just decided to see each other but I was wondering if there was no halal way of seeing him? We are both quite young, medical students with the same mindset and ideas generally and islamically. 

I have done istakhara by myself and used a Tasbih, which gave a good result, but I was wondering if anyone here could do an istakhara using the Quran for me? I can't really talk to my local mullah about this.

so background story aside, 
is there an islamic way of seeing someone?
can someone do an istakhara for me using the Quran since I have a hard time interpreting it?

Jazakallah  

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If you have never married before, you need to get your parents permission before you proceed.

After that, you can either agree to meet only in public places, preferably with family present, or you can agree to a no physical contact mutah. If the man is Sunni, probably the first is your better option. 

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1 hour ago, maryamjfr said:

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,

From the title you can see the issue I am currently stuck with. I have met a sunni man and hope to get to know him better before we get married. We both started talking casually and there was no flirting. We talked about our families, issues, future plans of marriage, qualities we wish our future spouses would have. After a while, I realised he ticked so many of the boxes for the qualities of my future husband. I really saw potential in him which I never saw in anyone else before. When I told him how I felt, he was really relieved and said he felt the same and he never felt so sure about introducing a girl to his family. 

We both agreed that we wanted to be with each other with the intention of marrying each other. He is a sunni but a good muslim so Im not worried about the shia-sunni issue. We havent been on any dates since we only just decided to see each other but I was wondering if there was no halal way of seeing him? We are both quite young, medical students with the same mindset and ideas generally and islamically. 

I have done istakhara by myself and used a Tasbih, which gave a good result, but I was wondering if anyone here could do an istakhara using the Quran for me? I can't really talk to my local mullah about this.

so background story aside, 
is there an islamic way of seeing someone?
can someone do an istakhara for me using the Quran since I have a hard time interpreting it?

Jazakallah  

Dear sis,

I am sorry for raining on your parade, and I am sure the brother you are currently thinking of marrying is a good person, but does being a good person suffice for the purposes of establishing a family with the brother in question? What about the fact that there is a big chance that the kids are not gonna end up being Shia since children normally follow the fathers path?

I hope you have thought well and hard about this before coming to a decision. Personally speaking, I have had a few proposals from Ibadi/Sunni guys…like REALLY good potentials and it was so hard for me to reject but I absolutely had to because while it all looked good for the first few years, I knew regret will creep in at some point down the line when the kids end up on the other path. Also, keep in mind that most of them say they are 'okay' with the kids turning out Shia, and that they will not interfere, and maybe they are being sincere, but what about when the kids see their father practising something else? Isn't that going to confuse them? When he goes for Taraweeh and says he wants to take the son with him, won't that bother you? (poor example but you get my point). I hope you have thought about all these issues!

Anyhow, I wish you all the best :) 

Edited by Pearl178

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Are you sure you want to be with a Sunni man? There may be problems with the inlaws, and he will want to raise his kids Sunni. I am sure there are a lot of good candidates in your community.

If you choose to go forward with it: as notme mentioned, get your parents involved right away. This will show him that you are serious and only looking for marriage. The longer this stays a secret, the more likely he is to seek a casual relationship with you, which is not in your best interest. Once he visits your parents, and seeks your father's permission, you will be able to visit each other, talk on the phone, see each other in public, etc. so long that there is no physical contact.

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1 minute ago, Haimi said:

As a shia woman she can be with a Sunni man for marriage? Am I wrong or this is new?

Yes she can but according to Ayatullah Sistani if there is apprehension of being misguided one can not marry a Sunni. Still if one decides than he/she takes a big risk for next generation. But again for many people religion is secondary issue.

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1 minute ago, Aabiss_Shakari said:

Yes she can but according to Ayatullah Sistani if there is apprehension of being misguided one can not marry a Sunni. Still if one decides than he/she takes a big risk for next generation. But again for many people religion is secondary issue.

According to which Marja she can marry to a Sunni man?

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2 hours ago, Aabiss_Shakari said:

I think Shia community lack good males hence Shia girls looking Sunni boys for marriage. :)

There is a major issue with the men. The level of disrespect and violence towards women is awful and shameful.  It is  cultural not religious. No one wants to be abused physically or emotionally. The cycle of abuse needs to end.

If shia prospects behave like this, women will look elsewhere.

 Don't blame women for wanting respect and a good home for their kids. Safety is everything.  Look at what abused  girls are posting on here.  But you guys overlook it and blame them for wanting to marry someone they are safe with just because he is from ahle sunnah. 

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3 hours ago, Smiles786 said:

There is a major issue with the men. The level of disrespect and violence towards women is awful and shameful.  It is  cultural not religious. No one wants to be abused physically or emotionally. The cycle of abuse needs to end.

If shia prospects behave like this, women will look elsewhere.

 Don't blame women for wanting respect and a good home for their kids. Safety is everything.  Look at what abused  girls are posting on here.  But you guys overlook it and blame them for wanting to marry someone they are safe with just because he is from ahle sunnah. 

Do not tell me Sunni/Wahabi men are more respectful towards women. Do you want to say Shia men are more violent and disrespectful towards women? Why you come with generalisation? Who can deny the Taliban type attitude of Sunni men towards women? I am telling you with personal experience a Shia man or woman give religious freedom to a Sunni man or woman and their children but a Sunni man or woman do not give religious freedom to Shia man or woman and their children. I saw Sunni women marrying Shia men and converted to Shia by their own choice but on the other hand if a Shia woman is married to a Sunni man, his full stress and pressure is on her like do not go to majlis e aza etc. Or if you insist do not take my children to Majlis etc. Shia can accept a Sunni as partner but can not expect a Sunni that he will recognize her faith or allow her religious freedom or take her children towards Shia practices. Yes if you can sacrifice your religious freedom or have no care if your next generation go astray then feel free to marry in a Sunni family.

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11 hours ago, Aabiss_Shakari said:

Do not tell me Sunni/Wahabi men are more respectful towards women. Do you want to say Shia men are more violent and disrespectful towards women? Why you come with generalisation? Who can deny the Taliban type attitude of Sunni men towards women? I am telling you with personal experience a Shia man or woman give religious freedom to a Sunni man or woman and their children but a Sunni man or woman do not give religious freedom to Shia man or woman and their children. I saw Sunni women marrying Shia men and converted to Shia by their own choice but on the other hand if a Shia woman is married to a Sunni man, his full stress and pressure is on her like do not go to majlis e aza etc. Or if you insist do not take my children to Majlis etc. Shia can accept a Sunni as partner but can not expect a Sunni that he will recognize her faith or allow her religious freedom or take her children towards Shia practices. Yes if you can sacrifice your religious freedom or have no care if your next generation go astray then feel free to marry in a Sunni family.

That is not what I said. I said that you cannot deny the level of domestic violence in our communities.  If a shia brother or sister finds a partner from ahle sunnah that they are safe with, has akhlaq and respects our religion that's better than marrying someone they are not safe with. If they are fortunate enough to find a good shia partner that's even better, actually ideal.

We would all like to marry within our faith but that's not an option for everyone. 

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16 minutes ago, Smiles786 said:

That is not what I said. I said that you cannot deny the level of domestic violence in our communities.  If a shia brother or sister finds a partner from ahle sunnah that they are safe with, has akhlaq and respects our religion that's better than marrying someone they are not safe with. If they are fortunate enough to find a good shia partner that's even better, actually ideal.

We would all like to marry within our faith but that's not an option for everyone. 

The problem is an akhlaghi man knowledge comes from a powerful akhlaghi source, whosakhlaghi than it imams and Ashab or our Olana and Orafa

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Thank you to everyone for the honest advice and opinions. Honestly if I were to find a Shia man with these qualities then of course I would prefer that, however I haven't met or been proposed to by such men yet even though I know they do exist. Maybe thats due to my age, I'm still quite on the young side. We are living in different countries so in terms of meeting in real life and having physical contact I won't be sinning even though being in this sort of relationship is still not permissible, i know that very well. I have talked to him regarding our future and children and he said he would not mind me teaching the children all about ahlulbayt and muharram and taking them to the majalis, as long as they don't use zanjeer or hurt themselves, which i can understand. He said its our responsibility as parents to inform and educate them as much as we can and then they can make their own choice. Obviously I always wanted to have children who would have the love for Imam Hussain and Ahlulbayt and I want to have a husband who would bring me closer to Allah and go to Karbala with me, understanding the sacrifices our Ahlulbayt have made and mourning for them. 

Do I continue trying to educate him about Ahlulbayt and wait it out to find out more about his position on issues or do I give up all together? He already respects Imam Hussain, Imam Ali and Imam Mehdi but doesn't know a lot and obviously accepts Abu Bakr as the first Khalifa.

I know that Allah has great plans for everyone and I'm praying for Him to show me the right path Insha'Allah. 

Edited by maryamjfr

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Sister, you have already exposed him to the truth. Now let him find his destination, leave him alone, he is not a baby who needs tending, neither you are the only source in the planet earth who could provide him with the knowledge of Shia Islam. Let him find his path, through his local sources.

See if he is sincere to convert. Meanwhile you focus on your education, your own deen, and make dua' that Allah swt grants you a momin spouse from among the lovers of Fatima AS and not the lovers of her murderers such as Umer and Kahlid.

Another thing, women who are let loose with compromising parents or without a parent supervision tend to extend play their 'nurse' nature that Allah swt has bestowed them with to be a good mother. Not married, and they project that 'nurse' power on random men to make them quit smoking, or quit zana, or quit drinking, or in your case, trying to bring a man to the path of Islam / Ahlulbayt AS. 

You did your part. Now quit it. Control your hormones, your nafs, and your thoughts for him.

Lastly, Islam is nothing but the Love for the sake of Allah swt and dislike for the sake of Allah swt. You should like him or anybody for the sake of Allah swt which apparently you are not. For now you are liking him for the sake of yourself, and are trying to convert him for the sake of yourself. Quit it, and you will see wonders happening in your life.

Don't and you will face the consequences once the hormones will subside in both of you and he will come home one day with clean shaves mustache and a long beard with his pants knee high forcing you to go for tarawih with him and sending your kids to murder innocent humans in Syria because his local salafi has brainwashed him and your sons.

For now, your talking to him or meeting him is haram. You remind me of the sister of Mukhtar, who despite Mukhtar's refusal kept meeting Umer Ibn Saad, kept herself getting involved with Umer ibn Saad and finally married Umer Ibn Saad. Umer Ibn Saad made the same promises that he will let her be the Shia of Imam Hassan and Hussain as, and so on. But when the test came, when the world lured itself in front of Umer Ibn Saad, when Yazid promised him the govern-ship of a small barren parcel of town, Umer agreed to lead Yazid's army in Karbala. The same Umer Ibn Saad became the killer of Imam Hussain AS with her son taking part in the murder of Imam Hussain and Ali Akbar at his father's side.  

NOT Good luck!! 

P.S. I'm sounding harsh but somebody has to call a spade a spade.

 

Edited by Irfani313

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3 minutes ago, Irfani313 said:

Sister, you have already exposed him to the truth. Now let him find his destination, leave him alone, he is not a baby who needs tending, neither you are the only source in the planet earth who could provide him with the knowledge of Shia Islam. Let him fins his path, through his local sources.

See if he is sincere to convert. Meanwhile you focus on your education, your own deen, and make dua' that Allah swt grants you a momin spouse from among the lovers of Fatima AS and not the lovers of her murderers such as Umer and Kahlid.

Another thing, women who are let loose with compromising parents or without a parent supervision tend to extend play their 'nurse' nature that Allah swt has bestowed them with to be a good mother. Not married, and they project that 'nurse' power on random men to make them quit smoking, or quit zana, or quit drinking, or in your case, trying to bring a man to the path of Islam / Ahlulbayt AS. 

You did your part. Now quit it. Control your hormones, your nafs, and your thoughts for him.

Lastly, Islam is nothing but the Love for the sake of Allah swt and dislike for the sake of Allah swt. You should like him or anybody for the sake of Allah swt which apparently you are not. For now you are liking him for the sake of yourself, and are trying to convert him for the sake of yourself. Quit it, and you will see wonders happening in your life.

@maryamjfr This is very good Advice.

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On 10/14/2016 at 6:06 PM, maryamjfr said:

Thank you to everyone for the honest advice and opinions. Honestly if I were to find a Shia man with these qualities then of course I would prefer that, however I haven't met or been proposed to by such men yet even though I know they do exist. Maybe thats due to my age, I'm still quite on the young side. We are living in different countries so in terms of meeting in real life and having physical contact I won't be sinning even though being in this sort of relationship is still not permissible, i know that very well. I have talked to him regarding our future and children and he said he would not mind me teaching the children all about ahlulbayt and muharram and taking them to the majalis, as long as they don't use zanjeer or hurt themselves, which i can understand. He said its our responsibility as parents to inform and educate them as much as we can and then they can make their own choice. Obviously I always wanted to have children who would have the love for Imam Hussain and Ahlulbayt and I want to have a husband who would bring me closer to Allah and go to Karbala with me, understanding the sacrifices our Ahlulbayt have made and mourning for them. 

Do I continue trying to educate him about Ahlulbayt and wait it out to find out more about his position on issues or do I give up all together? He already respects Imam Hussain, Imam Ali and Imam Mehdi but doesn't know a lot and obviously accepts Abu Bakr as the first Khalifa.

I know that Allah has great plans for everyone and I'm praying for Him to show me the right path Insha'Allah. 

There are positives and negatives to being introduced by family. One of the positives is that, most likely, the family has observed this guy in real life, over a period of time,  and know how they are, at least to a certain extent. 

Unless you have background information either from yourself or from reliable sources vouching for his character over a period of time and preferably thru difficult situations, you don't really know him at all, and it almost the same as meeting a random guy on the street. Most guys, if they are infatuated with you, looks, personality, etc, they will say whatever they think you want them to say in order to 'close the deal'. What happens after the wedding is a completely different reality, most of the time, and especially since this guy is Sunni, you are taking a big risk, if he is 'just talking' regarding Muharram, Ahl Al Bayt(a.s) and your children. You probably won't lose your faith, no matter what he does, but you need to think of the consequences for your children in case he is being less than honest. 

There are plenty of Shia guys, many even on this site, who are single, probably educated, around your age, and in a place where you can actually observe them in real life over time, or get highly credible references as to their character. IMHO, you should try for that first and exhaust those options before you turn your attention to brothers from other schools of thought. Don't make the mistake of saying, ' I met one or two Shia guys, they were jerks, so now I'm going to look to non Shia'. There are millions of Shia guys who are not married, and probably only half of them are jerks.... :hahaha:

As for , 'getting to know' him, you options are 

1) Doing mutah before nikah. You will need your father or paternal grandfather's permission for this if you are still living at home and  / or dependent on him financially. There are some marjaa' who allow without father's permission, but most require it in above situation. 

2) Continuing to talk, but keeping the conversation on topics that are appropriate for non mahram, and of course sticking to all the other rules for non mahram. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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