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In the Name of God بسم الله

This has been haunting me; I need answers

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  • Advanced Member

Bismillah hir rahman nir rahim

Assalamalekuum brothers and sisters I have a very serious problem that I need help with. If I don't get answers I will go crazy. Please if you have answers can they be backed up. 

It is long but every detail is important. May Allah give you patience.

First question is during the time of Nikah can the girl nod her head in reponse or does she have to utter the words of the Nikah? I have seen this a lot in IndoPak marriages. And the representatives who are local scholars don't object to it. So is this acceptable?

Second question, God forbid the Nikah is read wrong and both the boy  and girl become aware of this after conceiving a child, is the child considered illegitimate?

Now my biggest question. This is detailed. 3 years ago I had hurt my parents and made them cry because I humiliated them infront of their friends (wasn't intentional) and felt really depressed and guilty for hurting them. They soon after wanted to get me married. They suggested a man that I wasn't excited about and I briefly told why I wasn't  (age gap)  but they try to make me understand in their parenting ways that age doesn't matter. I didn't fight back because I didn't want to hurt or bother them again so I agreed to the marriage. Fast forward a couple of months and I have travelled back home and i have met this man and his physical appearance threw me off ( I didn't like him and what is worse is that I liked someone else). I still didn't say anything to my parents. Fast forward to wedding day and at this point my whole family has travelled  back home to attend this big wedding gathering. I still didn't think of saying anything to my parents because I couldn't hurt/humiliate them again. Forward to wedding night. I am asked by a representative for my nikah acceptance and I nod my reply as yes. During the nod I  am thinking with overwhelming feelings that God I don't want too wit . I spend a month with this man and I do like him as a person. Still not fully in love. I travel back home and stay with my family for a year. Once again these overwhelming feelings come back. My father finds out about my feelings and he says he values my happiness and says divorce  him and why didn't I say anything before. Around this time my husband had just immigrated to my country. I was indesicive at first but I couldn't hurt someone like that again (and this man really loved me). I decided not too. A couple of months later I finally muster the courage to tell him my feelings and soon after this I genuinely fell in love with him (he put more effort to make me happy) and wanted him as my husband. I soon get pregnant and I by chance ended up reading the rulings of Nikah (I never studied it; I was just told what to do and trusted it) .  Which leads me here seeking help. Question is; Is my Nikah valid? Do I need to repeat it? Asking him to repeat it is going to cause adrift between us because he feels that nothing is wrong. I am afraid otherwise.

 

I was not forced. My guilt and parents satisfaction  brought me to this decision but now I am happy.

I had to muster up a lot of courage to post this. I am going crazy. I am afraid of finding out the answer ngl. But this is driving me crazy where I am feeling lost and suicidal. I don't want to be in a haram relationship. Please somebody help me. I tried messaging Ayatollah Sistani but got no answer back. I am afraid of trying again.

Edited by Askari313
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Lost and suicidal...? Just why? I really can't get it. I only could feel happiness that both of you could enjoy a nice marriage after all the circumstances.

In any case, being suggested to do something is not the same to being forced. You could have said no, as your father told you. Thus, it was your own decision, you chose to marry (regardless of the influence you had). People marry for many reasons that aren't necessarily love. And their marriage is perfectly valid.

As for the question you sent, wait for their reply. It may take a few days but they normally answer.

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I feel lost and suicidal because of the implications.

 

Even if I had such intense feelings during the Nikah? In the rulings it say bride/groom should be willing. Is that different then wanting?

I haven't sent my questions yet. I am afraid.

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Salam, Sister. If you had told your parents you could not marry him, the wedding would have been stopped. You were at the wedding, wearing your special wedding clothes so you were willing to get married and your marriage is valid. Please stop having doubts about it. Has your baby been born yet? 

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Wa alaikum as salam Sister

In reality in Indian subcontinent, girls and boys only give permission to their respective wakeel/Maulana for marriage contract(read here actual Nikah in the form of Seega'h) and Maulana/Wakeel from both sides actually contract the marriage by pronouncing seega'h on their behalf. Hence this permission to your Wakeel/Maulana in any form is acceptable whether it is through utterances of words or by nodding your head or by some other way of informing. 

You allowed this marriage to happen whatever reasons may be, it had been done with your permission and it is valid one. There is no ifs and buts in it. So be happy in your married life. 

Islam is very simple and straightforward religion and kindly don't burden yourself with confusion and any wrong thoughts. 

All the best for your future life, May Allah help you in this regard.

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4 hours ago, Askari313 said:

Bismillah hir rahman nir rahim

Salam OP

when you did the nikah, you were immature. however, your nikkah is undoubtedly valid and your child halal zada. there is zero cause for concern. 

you expected some handsome prince charming mr perfect to come to you on a white horse and there be dancing in the fields and it would be like bollywood and all your problems would vanish. 

In reality, marriage is the hardest relationship in your entire life. it takes work - real, constant work - and it will be like this for the rest of your life. "love at first sight" and "he is the one true love" is all rubbish fed to girls constantly on TV and movies and music and culture. 

love - real love - will take longer to develop, but when it does grow, it will become the most powerful force in your entire life. 

start with communication. talk to your husband. become his best friend. make your heart a treasure chest for his secrets. spend time with him, develop the attitude that its you and him VS the problem, not you VS him VS the problem. it is no coincidence at all that hundreds of thousands of girls all over the world every year fall in love with guys online simply because they spend so much time talking to that guy, despite the guys looks, life situation, wealth or anything. 

secondly, understand that this is forever. and you will need to do at least half the work. you are not some precious princess who needs to be pampered for the rest of her life. you have found a man who loves you (as you yourself admit), do you not realise how lucky you are? how blessed? how many girls are stuck in loveless marriages with guys who do not even look at them, guys who are always cheating on them, guys who treat them wrong? your husband left his home and everything he knows to be with you, your family are happy with him, mashaAllah you have a child with him. what right do you have to complain?

Finally, and this may seem vulgar, so forgive me in advance, but learn to flirt with him. its encouraged to have a strong sexual relationship between husband and wife. If you find this is difficult due to his physical appearance, start by flirting and encouraging him to flirt back with you, and sexual attraction will come through this. I know a lot of desi girls feel that sex is just something they have to endure and put up with, but no one wants their partner to lie there like a dead fish pretending to moan.  its ok to enjoy sex, and this will have a huge impact on your relationship with him overall. like I said before, apologies for the vulgar language but there is no shame in learning about our religion. 

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:salam:

As far as I can tell, there is no problem with your nikah, sister. You can read up on the rules about it yourself here:

https://www.al-islam.org/islamic-marriage-syed-athar-husain-sh-rizvi/components-ideal-islamic-marriage#nikah-ceremony

You either have to recite the nikah yourself or you can delegate the authority to officiate the nikah to a scholar/another person, who can read the formula for you, as long as they have taken your express permission to represent you in this matter. Since you say you only nodded, I'm guessing that someone else recited the actual formula in Arabic and since you did nod, you gave your explicit permission for them to represent you. That is all that is needed.

As for your second question, it does become irrelevant in your case but, from what I know, if there was an unintentional problem during the nikah ceremony and the bride/groom did not know about it until later, the ruling is that any relations they had until the time they become aware of the problem are not considered a sin and any children they had during this period are considered legitimate. They are, however, no longer husband and wife from that very moment and must recite the nikah formula again to become married. Again, though, you don't have this problem and you should not worry about it one bit.

Edited by Khadim uz Zahra
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I don't really understand what your doubt is? Whether or not you consented? I've already pointed out that your consent can be a nod if someone else was acting as your proxy. If your doubts are because you were not entirely happy about the marriage in your heart, that's not a relevant factor. You may not have liked him but you decided to marry him nonetheless; your parents never forced you to do it and you willingly came to the marriage hall and nodded. Beyond that, how you 'felt' about it is irrelevant. So, yes, there are no problems with your marriage.

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4 minutes ago, Askari313 said:

This situation I doubted that is why I came asking for help. Could that bring a problem or its only when you are certain of the problem? Thank you so much brother.

 

shaqq (doubt) is forbidden in our fiqh sister.

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4 minutes ago, Khadim uz Zahra said:

I don't really understand what your doubt is? Whether or not you consented? I've already pointed out that your consent can be a nod if someone else was acting as your proxy. If your doubts are because you were not entirely happy about the marriage in your heart, that's not a relevant factor. You may not have liked him but you decided to marry him nonetheless; your parents never forced you to do it and you willingly came to the marriage hall and nodded. Beyond that, how you 'felt' about it is irrelevant. So, yes, there are no problems with your marriage.

Alright thank you so much.

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As far as I understand it, there is no problem. It's not that you didn't consent but moreso that you weren't happy about it. You didn't like him but, because you felt it was an appropriate 'sacrifice' for your parents, you decided to go ahead with it. You gave your consent - the fact that you wished you didn't is not something that nullifies the fact that you did. I would suggest taking the others' advice and will tell you to stop obsessing about it.

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On 8/17/2016 at 9:39 AM, Askari313 said:

@hameedeh Yes she is born. 

Sister, congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Please make your family life pleasant and forget your doubts about the past. Your husband is your husband and your daughter needs you to focus on her. Smile and think positive thoughts and take care of your daughter. dear, you are one of the lucky people on this earth who has been on ziyarat. Allah has blessed you. Be happy with your husband and daughter. 

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7 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

Sister, congratulations on the birth of your daughter. Please make your family life pleasant and forget your doubts about the past. Your husband is your husband and your daughter needs you to focus on her. Smile and think positive thoughts and take care of your daughter. dear, you are one of the lucky people on this earth who has been on ziyarat. Allah has blessed you. Be happy with your husband and daughter. 

Thank you Hameedeh. Trust me I am trying my hardest to come out of these thoughts. I have emailed sistani.org and najaf.org because I need reassurance officially. It so hard for me to communicate with my husband because of these doubts. 

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