Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
Anisa Bandeh Khoda

My messed up in-laws! Help!

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

7 hours ago, certainclarity said:

 

@baradar_jackson who is an advocate of living with parents maybe able to tell his opinion on the issue.

 

 

My opinion on this matter is not going to be beneficial... but FYI I advocate that in cases where there is no reason to live separately.

 

In the OP's case there is quite clearly, a reason.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

Why is it my FAULT brother/sister? You people have no idea why I am in their home. And i appreciate you for judging me without any knowledge of my decisions. 

I didn't want to tell the full story on here... but in order for you to understand my decisions i feel you will see the full picture better if i do.

Let me take this a few steps back . . . 

I was being sexually abused at home by a family member. So when this suitor turned up at my door at that moment in time with his parents. Judging me by my education, modesty etc. I also accepted him. I thought that it was a blessing from Allah.  Only because I was desperate to get away from the person who was sexually abusing me at home. I didn't want any one to find out what this person was doing. Otherwise that would create problems inside the home. and if anyone found out outside our home... THEN well that would be much worse. 

I contacted a sheikh in sydney, He told me to report the abuse and get that person reported to police. But in my culture its taboo to get the police at your front door. And if my fiance found out, he would've left me immediately and my chances of escape from my home would be 0.

When i was at his home .. the issue with the sister inlaw occured. I returned home. I live in fear, i am going through so many overwhelming thoughts. I am suicidal sometimes, but through prayer and quran recitation, i find comfort and peace. But its much complicated. I feel like running away and vanishing from my home because "that" person is here, husband and the community. I am so sick of my life. 

I need help! 

 

NO NO Anisa, it is in NO way your fault, it  is in NO WAY your fault. you are not at fault. nobody else is saying that. it is not your fault.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

 I was being sexually abused at home by a family member. So when this suitor turned up at my door at that moment in time with his parents. Judging me by my education, modesty etc. I also accepted him. I thought that it was a blessing from Allah.  Only because I was desperate to get away from the person who was sexually abusing me at home.
 

Salam Anisa Bandeh Khoda,

I'm so sorry. :(

Because of the sexual abuse, you can go to a woman's shelter. You don't need to live with either your sexual abuser or with the guy you married to escape sexual abuse.

Quote

I didn't want any one to find out what this person was doing.

I am sorry, but keeping it a secret won't help you or anybody else being abused. Abusers often abuse several people, not just one. Why? Because it becomes a sick addiction to them. You need to expose to the light what this person is doing, or it will continue. 

Quote

Otherwise that would create problems inside the home. and if anyone found out outside our home... THEN well that would be much worse. 

Do you want another person to be abused by the abuser? I personally think that is much worse than telling the truth and getting much needed help. 
 

Quote

I contacted a sheikh in sydney, He told me to report the abuse and get that person reported to police.

 

100% agree with him.

Quote

But in my culture its taboo to get the police at your front door.

Then your culture is hurting you.

Quote

And if my fiance found out, he would've left me immediately and my chances of escape from my home would be 0.

If he leaves you, then that means he doesn't love you and doesn't take his responsibility to protect you seriously.

Also, women's shelters are a good way for women to escape abuse. My sister who just passed her bar exam used to direct a women's shelter, and she did everything possible to rescue girls and women from abuse. Many of them are living happily and safely away from their abusers, enjoying a new life. They didn't have to marry some guy to escape!!!
 

Quote

 

When i was at his home .. the issue with the sister inlaw occured. I returned home. I live in fear, i am going through so many overwhelming thoughts. I am suicidal sometimes, but through prayer and quran recitation, i find comfort and peace. But its much complicated. I feel like running away and vanishing from my home because "that" person is here, husband and the community. I am so sick of my life. 

I need help! 

 

You live in Australia, correct? Doesn't Australia have women's shelters??? Please by God's grace, call a woman's shelter and move there!!! What are you waiting for???

Also, don't give up hope. Don't kill yourself. There is still hope, but you need to get out of both your marriage and your family's house, and you need a new beginning. There are many women who will and can help you if you find them and let them know you need help!!!

Peace and God bless you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, DigitalUmmah said:

if OP was in UK I would have her father kidnapped, castrated, then tortured to death. 

Salam DigitalUmmah,

I'm not in the UK, but the UK is the Motherland of the USA, and I know without a doubt it's currently illegal to kidnap, castrate, and torture people in the UK, regardless of what they have done. So, if you did this, you would be breaking the law and subject to court.

Disobeying the law is punishable according to the law of the land, and obviously you're aren't the law of the UK. Her father needs a trial and needs to be punished according to the law of the land.

(The UK is also the Motherland of Australia, and I strongly doubt it's currently legal to kidnap, castrate, and torture people no matter what they've done in Australia too. English-dominated countries weren't always against the above actions, but they have been ever since recognizing people's rights.)

Peace and God bless you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We seriously need to make a support network for ladies like our dear sister Anisa. So many are so isolated and going through this, when no woman really should be.

I deal with marital issues here , and [some] women in the UK complain if the mother in-law didn't treat them like princesses. And then you see sisters like Anisa going through such difficulty with genuine problems.

I wish i could do more than just make a dua for you.

All i have to say is, i hope you find a strong support network here. Be wary of who you share info with via PM, i don't want you to be in any danger, but there are some amazing people on here.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, DigitalUmmah said:

OP you need to speak to a GP IMMEDIATELY regarding your sexual abuse. you need counselling and support. forget marriage issues, 

I am assuming you are in Australia, here is a list of confidential, free support services

http://www.sass.org.au/directory/

I URGE YOU to seek help. this is not something you can just forget and move on with your life. you have been raped - repeatedly. you need support, and your attacker needs to go to jail. if he was abusing you, I can almost guarantee he was abusing other girls too. 

Salam DigitalUmmah,

Awesome advice.

OP, Please please please take advantage of Australia's services to help abused women. Please don't let your culture or your pride hurt you anymore.

And, please note that in English culture, it takes a lot of bravery for English women to speak out against abuse by English men. No culture is immune to abuse, which is why it's so important for every culture to have ways to help the abused people escape abusers and enjoy a new and safe life.

Please get help and remember it's not your fault. You deserve protection and safety. Please search the link that DigitalUmmah so thoughtfully has provided.

Peace and God bless you

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

One night when i had a mental breakdown. I was shaking and terrified of the abuser, since i knew he would come and abuse me. I reported his action to the police, i had enough,  the police rocked up at 12 am. I was taken to the police station and They opened a case for me. The detectives took photos of bruises left from his bites. 

Salam Anisa Bandeh Khoda,

It's good that you reported it, but you have to be brave and follow through, taking your abuser to court. Otherwise, he will get away with it.

Quote

but i told them to put it on hold, because i thought if my father ended up in jail. Then my fiance would leave me.

Then he's not worthy to be your fiance. A true and good man would insist that your father get his trial in court, because it is evil what he did to you. :(

If my Dad had raped me, the whole world would know and I would take my Dad to court, and would have not even considered marrying a man who disagreed with me. (My Dad has never raped me or my sisters. Why? Because he loves God and loves us, and knows that both rape and incest are evil. He obeys God.)

Quote

Because his parents said you will ruin ur parents reputation and ours. 

That's a lie. Your own Dad ruined his own reputation.

Quote

My mother would not forgive me for revealing such a thing to the wider public. She would disown me. I was afraid .

That's her decision. Please don't give in to fear. Please be brave.

Quote

I didn't know what to do. I just thought if i could somehow make it to my husbands house then i will never put up with my father.

 

I am sorry. This is a mistake other women around the world, including in the USA, make as well. However, many just go from the frying pan into the fire, as the saying goes. That's why it's so important to get abusers to be accountable for their actions. Your father's main role as your Dad is to protect you, yet he didn't. He hurt you. He needs to be accountable to the government for what he did to you. Definitely, he is accountable to God and God will judge him for what he did to you.

Quote

I told my husband about all this, because he questioned why i didn't live at home with my family. I told him. He said cancel ur police report and no one must find out. HE didn't care about my mental wellbeing.

No. I am sorry. He does not truly love you. :( I don't think he is worthy to be your husband, because the husband is supposed to protect his wife, even from his wife's own father, if her own father hurt her.

Quote

didn't even bother to take me to a GP or psychologist. All this time i sacrificed my own happiness for the damn image of my abuser. 

It's not too late. Please please please go to a woman's shelter and please press charges against your Dad. I understand it's hard. One of my good friends was sexually abused by her stepfather, and it was really hard on her to press charges, but she is a brave and valiant lady. She did anyways, and she protected her little sister from being sexually abused by him. How? The authorities put the abuser in jail and he cannot be alone with any of the children again. That's so important.

Peace and God bless you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Do you think this is a funny matter ? If i were you i would be calling my lawyer right now.

Salam,

No need to call one's lawyer, but definitely it's important to respect and obey the law of the Land.

In the UK, it is currently illegal for civilians to kidnap, castrate, or torture anybody. It is also against the law to rape. What the OP's Dad did is extremely evil and he deserves death. However, that does not give civilians the right to break the laws against kidnapping and torture.

Civilians are not supposed to take the law into their own hands. They're supposed to let the authorities punish those who break the law, according to the law of the land. Otherwise, there'd be chaos and mobs lynching people (often innocent people). Mobs lynching people is evil in its own way. Many Natives and African Americans have been accused of various crimes and lynched (some tortured first) by angry mobs when they were innocent. That's why it's against the law for civilians to try to take justice into their own hands.

Trials are extremely important because evidence needs to be investigated and presented. The OP did help present evidence by calling the police, and that should still be on record. Again, she needs to take it to court. Otherwise, her Dad will get away with it and could hurt her again or somebody else.

OP, I am praying for you. Please be brave, and please find help. Please don't let your family or your husband continue to put you in harm's way. May God bless you with a new beginning and with safety from harm!!!

Peace

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On August 15, 2016 at 9:28 AM, Zendegi said:

I highly disagree, your thinking is a very backward and dangerous. No one has the right to be treated like this and then their not being any consequences. That same person would turn to abusing others as well if there are no consequences set.

Who cares what the family and others thinks? If someone is committing an illegal and harmful act towards an another they deserve to be incriminated. Who cares if their related? 

This is just like honour killings in places like Pakistan and Afghanistan, where it goes unreported and where people don't get any consequences for killing the ones close to them. 

 

 

 

Honour killings are common in Iran as well, just not as much as they are in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Plus, OP is Iranian, so that example was not the right one. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
52 minutes ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

Salam all,

I moved out of home today. The Muslim women in the community are trying to find me a more suitable long term accommodation. I tried to go to the residential college at Uni, But that didn't work out. Unfortunately as there were no rooms available. However I will be able to apply for next year. 

I contacted the sheikh one more time asking whether I could move out of home and if there was any other options and he responded with " I would advise that you cut all communication and ties with your family members, as they have perpetrated the worst of crimes against you."

After his message I made the decision to move out of my fathers place and come to a friends place temporarily until i find a better place. 

Eltemas doa 

This is exactly what I've told you before Mohammad MOD do a ban on my account. See? I call this: a Lesson.

Enshallah you will be fine, don't worry, focus on your education and remember that you have Allah swt with you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

I contacted the sheikh one more time asking whether I could move out of home and if there was any other options and he responded with " I would advise that you cut all communication and ties with your family members, as they have perpetrated the worst of crimes against you."

Which family is he speaking of ?

Your family or your inlaws ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

Salam all,I moved out of home today. The Muslim women in the community are trying to find me a more suitable long term accommodation.

Salam Sis Anisa Bandeh Khoda,

Praise God!!! :)

Quote

I tried to go to the residential college at Uni, But that didn't work out. Unfortunately as there were no rooms available.

Oh. :( Yeah, they do tend to fill up fast.

Quote

However I will be able to apply for next year. 

Awesome!!!

Quote

I contacted the sheikh one more time asking whether I could move out of home and if there was any other options and he responded with " I would advise that you cut all communication and ties with your family members, as they have perpetrated the worst of crimes against you."

I hope your family members repent someday and ask you for forgiveness, but that's their decisions to make. Until they do ask for forgiveness, I agree with the sheikh here. The sad thing is when people don't repent of hurting someone, they often continue to hurt that person.

Quote

After his message I made the decision to move out of my fathers place and come to a friends place temporarily until i find a better place. 

Thank God! I'm so happy to read that!!! :)

Quote

Eltemas doa 

Peace and may God greatly bless you with a new beginning!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Anisa Bandeh Khoda! Salam sister. I am glad you are doing well. When you get a chance, can you please tell us about your experience at shelter? It can help if some woman is thinking about escaping. National zakat foundation sounds like a Sunni organization. Do they know you are shia? What about your family and community? What was their reaction when you decided to leave?

Edited by rkazmi33

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear....this is the story of wvery other family...the only person who goes through such turmoil can understand this situation....ill give u 2 advices in thia regard.....firstly....if.....ur husband isnt much willing to rent hom for you...then u must walk into ur hom wd such confidence thtat you were hurt but u ve forgotten evrything n want to have a new start....remmbr...u hv to pretend a lot for example ....u hv to show peace n patience whnevr u feel enraged n dnt show reaction...secondly.....try n tk ur mother in law in confidence n get your sister in law married...now tht she is 22 she might get compatible better half....ithink initially this is gonna be difficult but believe me it works.....i hv bn thru 90% similar siuation as yours but i did the same n left all jaza to Imam ajt n Allah...if ur husband is a gud person ut nt a strong person you only in the world can understand his weakness n let him help overcome it....wish u all the best...iltimas e dua

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

W'salam , I thank you very much for your prayers.

I never went to a shelter, I stayed at a friends place until I found a stable place. The shelter is a great place to go to though, the social workers will help you in every way possible (this would be an ideal path to take if you do not have any trustworthy friends). The NZF help muslims regardless of which sect you stem from. They never asked me those questions.. they saw i was muslim and helped. 

Well the community don't know i am not home, so even when they find out , they may think I am living away from home due to studies. But until then, i have joined another community. I no longer attend my "particular' community...  All i am trying to do for now is complete my studies.  

 

Thank you so much for answering my questions. I am glad you found good people who are willing to help you. Start your new life and try to forget about your past. It seems like your family has accepted your decision to leave and it's a good thing. I will remember you in my prayers. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Dear Sister Anisa,

I just finished reading your story, Alhamd'Allah after difficulty God gave you relief.  God bless you and protect you dear sister. You are a role model for other sisters who are in dire situations, just like you they should act quickly and remove themselves from a wretched environment.

God continue to give you strength and people to help you.  Thank you for updating us.

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sister I'm from Australia (Melbourne) where are you from exactly? I have read your story and it's heartbreaking. We can't seem to find the ghira of Hussain and Abbas. I'm astonished at how Muslims would rather practise culture in fear of society and people, rather than practise Islam in fear of Allah.

May Allah and the Imam of our time help you with your hardships. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...