Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Mariam_

Feeling Lost

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Salam Everyone,

This may sound really strange to some of you and I don't know if anyone else has been in a position similar to mine but I hope there is someone out there who understands and can give me some advice on what to do. For the past 3 years I've been feeling very lost - in the sense that I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it's reached the point where I don't know who I am. I don't recognise the person I've become. I feel so helpless all the time and I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore and start being more grateful for all of the things I do have alhamdulillah. But the thing is I don't know how. This all started after I finished my GCSEs and got into A levels. Around the same time I got a proposal from my cousin and for one reason or another the 17 year old me got pressured into getting engaged with him. From there onwards my life started to spiral downwards. I started to lose all my motivation for everything - studies, friends, family and even my life. I didn't care anymore what happened in my life and everything I did do was to please the people around me. The times where I was alone all I would feel was hollow and a sense of helplessness. During this time I also continued my a levels where I failed some of my exams for both year 12 and 13. Somehow by the grace of Allah - and I legit kid you not, I managed to get into university with my bad grades alhamdulillah. Although on the surface my life seemed great and I looked happy in reality it was falling apart. I got formally engaged after my 18th birthday and struggled to maintain a good relationship with my father who was the one that 'convinced' me to get engaged to my cousin. He said I was young and that I didn't know what I was doing and because he relentlessly bought this topic up for nearly 6 months I didn't care anymore and agreed to the engagement. I was extremely hurt and disappointed that my dad didn't listen to me, that was something that I really didn't expect. I was heartbroken when he didn't listen to me at all and thus these series of events happened. Although now I understand where my he came from - no parent wants anything bad for their child, they should still listen because at the end of the day it's my life and in this case I would be living with him not my dad. In the case of my dad he thought that because he's older and I'm young that I don't know anything and that everything he says is for the best - which in this case didn't work out at all. So I started uni and failed one of my modules. Changed university the following year and continued into second year. A while ago I broke of the engagement because I just couldn't stand him anymore and in all honesty I didn't like him to begin with. I just finished my second year and found out I failed more than one module. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life, I feel so lost and by doing so I'm starting to ruin my own life with my own hands as you can see. I don't know if it's the fear of disappointing my parents - which I've had since I was a child, or my lack of confidence that has caused all these problems in my life. And I know this may seem like a pity party but I seriously want to get out of this hole I've dug up for myself and finally be free of all the things that are tying me down. I know praying and reading the Quran soothes the soul and I'm ashamed to say i don't pray and I haven't read the Quran in so long that I've forgotten how to read altogether. I don't know if it's the lack of prayers or my fears that are doing this but I sincerely wish to change and stop this repeated cycle of failure I'm going through especially with my studies as that's a major part of my life right now. Please don't judge I know I have my fair share of sins and that I may seem ungrateful - which I probably no doubt am but please give me some advice I can work with to slowly built up everything I've lost - basically myself. 

 

Thank you so much for reading my long message and may Allah grant you all Jannah. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Mariam_:

Salaam sister,

1) Start praying salah regularly. It is hard at times but soon you will see the benefits of it inshallah. You will realize all the things you have to be thankful for starting with the ShiaChat community :)

2) Get psychiatric help. It could be a chemical imbalance causing depression and other issues.

I hope and pray you come out of this quickly by the grace of Allah and blessings of Prophet and AhlulBayt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This doesnt sound like a psychiatric issue.

I dont want to be offensive to viewers, but this is all too familiar of a story, typically related to cultural conflicts, sometimes but not all the time, related to desi culture (you guys know what I am talking about).

" I got formally engaged after my 18th birthday and struggled to maintain a good relationship with my father who was the one that 'convinced' me to get engaged to my cousin. "

How many times have we seen/heard or even experienced this same story? Internal family pressures, relatively young engagement, and an exceptionally high view in the value of a certain type of education.

I would say, if you want to be free and happy, you need to be independent so that you can act and live in the way you want to act and live. My guess is, youre probably still dependent on your parents and are probably under pressure of some sort of cultural or family expectations. So, use your education to get yourself a decent job and live on your own so that you may have the space you need to brainstorm what you want to do with your life.

You cannot live the life you want to live, if other people are pressuring you to live the way they want you to live. For example, there are billions of men on earth, yet somehow you were engaged to a cousin you didnt actually have interest in.  How could this be? It could only be, because other people, who do have good intentions, want you to live how they want you to live.

And I love my parents just as much as anyone else, but the truth is, we are different human beings than our parents.  We have our own interests, ideas, thoughts, hobbies etc.  So, despite the good intentions our parents have, we still need some level of independence to make our own choices and to live our own lives. The same goes with our friends and family and society.  We all need a certain space for ourselves to be happy.

Otherwise what happens?  We live how other people want us to live, we find ourselves doing things we dont want to do.  Working a job we dont want to work, gaining an education in a field that we find boring. Marrying someone we may not want to marry. etc.

The happiest people, are they ones living the lives that they have chosen.

And of course, from a Christian standpoint, you have to forgive society, for they do not understand the damage theyre doing, despite their good intentions.

 

Edited by iCambrian

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The issue is obvious: the Heart isn't Calm andnis unstable and stressful,  The answer is simple:

الرعد
الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ الْقُلُوبُ
[ The guided ones are: ]Those who    Believe and whose hearts find    tranquility And confidence in Allah's    Remembrance.[ O, People ]Be sure That  real tranquility for the hearts rests In Allah's Remembrance,[ regarding    one's Intention and action ](28) 

الرعد
الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ طُوبَىٰ لَهُمْ وَحُسْنُ مَآبٍ
Those who believe and do good deeds, Theirs will be a blissful life and an Excellent home for Return.(29) 

Edited by Haimi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, iCambrian said:

This doesnt sound like a psychiatric issue.

I dont want to be offensive to viewers, but this is all too familiar of a story, typically related to cultural conflicts, sometimes but not all the time, related to desi culture (you guys know what I am talking about).

" I got formally engaged after my 18th birthday and struggled to maintain a good relationship with my father who was the one that 'convinced' me to get engaged to my cousin. "

How many times have we seen/heard or even experienced this same story? Internal family pressures, relatively young engagement, and an exceptionally high view in the value of a certain type of education.

I would say, if you want to be free and happy, you need to be independent so that you can act and live in the way you want to act and live. My guess is, youre probably still dependent on your parents and are probably under pressure of some sort of cultural or family expectations. So, use your education to get yourself a decent job and live on your own so that you may have the space you need to brainstorm what you want to do with your life.

You cannot live the life you want to live, if other people are pressuring you to live the way they want you to live. For example, there are billions of men on earth, yet somehow you were engaged to a cousin you didnt actually have interest in.  How could this be? It could only be, because other people, who do have good intentions, want you to live how they want you to live.

And I love my parents just as much as anyone else, but the truth is, we are different human beings than our parents.  We have our own interests, ideas, thoughts, hobbies etc.  So, despite the good intentions our parents have, we still need some level of independence to make our own choices and to live our own lives. The same goes with our friends and family and society.  We all need a certain space for ourselves to be happy.

Otherwise what happens?  We live how other people want us to live, we find ourselves doing things we dont want to do.  Working a job we dont want to work, gaining an education in a field that we find boring. Marrying someone we may not want to marry. etc.

The happiest people, are they ones living the lives that they have chosen.

And of course, from a Christian standpoint, you have to forgive society, for they do not understand the damage theyre doing, despite their good intentions.

 

 
 

THANK GOD, TIMES PEOPLE CONVINCE US WERE CRAZY BECAUSE  OF SITUATIONS LIKE THIS, EVEN THOUGH THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING TO US ARE XTERNAL ITS LIKE YOU NEED HELP SURE MAYBE HELP FROM A COUNSELOR ON HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, BUT NOT BECASUE WERE CRAZY AND THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH US. NOWADAYS THIS NEW AGE THINKING OF EVERYTHING RELATED TO PSYCHIATRY MAY END UP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY LIVE IN A TWILIGHT ZONE WHERE IF MAYBE im ON A BAD DAY im ANGRY AND  SHOUT TOO MUCH WHELPS YOURE CRAZY GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST.even though sometimes i say this to other people but even if i dont like it i should be careful too

Edited by sidnaq

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, sidnaq said:

THANK GOD, TIMES PEOPLE CONVINCE US WERE CRAZY BECAUSE  OF SITUATIONS LIKE THIS, EVEN THOUGH THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING TO US ARE XTERNAL ITS LIKE YOU NEED HELP SURE MAYBE HELP FROM A COUNSELOR ON HOW TO DEAL WITH IT, BUT NOT BECASUE WERE CRAZY AND THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH US. NOWADAYS THIS NEW AGE THINKING OF EVERYTHING RELATED TO PSYCHIATRY MAY END UP MAKING PEOPLE FEEL LIKE THEY LIVE IN A TWILIGHT ZONE WHERE IF MAYBE im ON A BAD DAY im ANGRY AND  SHOUT TOO MUCH WHELPS YOURE CRAZY GO TO A PSYCHIATRIST.even though sometimes i say this to other people but even if i dont like it i should be careful too

Brother - it is very old school thinking that going to a psychiatrist means one is crazy.

Seeking help when needed is a sign of acknowledging one needs support, not a sign of crazy.

Lack of self-worth, feeling helpless, lack of motivation -  all signs of depression.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, shiaman14 said:

Brother - it is very old school thinking that going to a psychiatrist means one is crazy.

Seeking help when needed is a sign of acknowledging one needs support, not a sign of crazy.

Lack of self-worth, feeling helpless, lack of motivation -  all signs of depression.

 

well why doesnt the person who suggests that the person should go to a psychiatrist try to help the other person out.(im not talking about you)have we as humans become less caring like that?im sorry usually when someone has suggested me this they assume im crazy, and you know what being sad and going thru depression is different i know many people o thru it but we should be careful to classify what is what i hope i too can follwo my own advice ansd not make mistakes if i am right

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam! Of course the most important thing you need to do is to start praying on time and reading Quran. Reciting Quran helps a lot when you are feeling depressed or anxious. You are lucky that you were able to end the engagement. When you make your parents angry, (even if you are right) you get punished. I have seen people who commit all kinds of sins, but their parents are happy with them, and that's why they are happy and successful. People often tell me that there are some sins for which you get punished in this world, one of them is making your father angry. I say it's good if someone gets punished in this world, because in next world, punishments will be more severe. My point is that your life is going to be hard if your parents are not happy with you. You can try different things like fasting, arranging majlis or going for ziyarat. Going for ziyarat really helps in solving your problems. Since you are doing o'levels, I am assuming you can afford to go. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam everyone,

 

thank you for your contributions and all the opinions and support you guys have given I really appreciate it. But the thing is it's easy to say go and pray and go and read the Quran and I've said this to myself aswell hundreds of times but when there is no motivation in doing anything in your life, it's hard to go and do that when you're stuck in a hole which you can't get out of and can't see a single ray of sunlight. Also in regards to what our fellow Christian brother/ sister said. It's a lot easier said than done to become independent especially if you're a girl. And even if I do something like that it would mean that I would have to essentially cut off my ties with my family - which I'm not willing to do since my family is important to me. It's also extremely difficult to seperated culture and religion especially with Asian/ middle eastern countries so even if I did try to explain something to my dad he wouldn't understand - his point of view is very different from mine. I wouldn't really mind getting psychiatric help either since I do want to solve my problem whatever it takes. Also even though I did end the engagement let me tell you it wasn't pretty at all and ended very bitterly. Btw a levels are for free in the UK and I do not work so I can't arrange any majlis or go to a ziyara. And I agree with what you said about trying not to get my parents angry but sometimes even our elders can be wrong and the sad thing is when they are they don't want to accept it and refuse to listen to anyone else's opinion. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam,

I just felt like sharing something which is that when a person is in such a difficult situation and has strayed away from obligations and religion for long that he/she can't even get himself to pray again feeling ashamed and dissapointed, I just want to stress on this that Allah(swt) is extremely forgiving, don't let your past or sins whatever they may be prevent you from turning to him now, ie don't let your disappointment and hopelessness prevent you from praying even if it is something which may seem small like reading a single verse of the Quran or just "trying" to pray obligatory prayers as something is always better than nothing, as an example if you feel that because you didn't pray asr it's worthless for you to pray maghrib, it isn't! or to think that because you didn't pray the entire day it's worthless to read the quran or recite a dua, it isn't!, no matter how guilty or disappointed you feel his doors are always open we should realise this and take advantage of it while we still can. The "hole" you say you're takes time to get out off and I can understand it's extremely difficult to have any motivation at such a point however do not loose hope in his mercy and try as much as possible to turn to him.

I hope my message gets across and helps you.

Edited by Inconsolable

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Mariam_ said:

Salam everyone,

 

thank you for your contributions and all the opinions and support you guys have given I really appreciate it. But the thing is it's easy to say go and pray and go and read the Quran and I've said this to myself aswell hundreds of times but when there is no motivation in doing anything in your life, it's hard to go and do that when you're stuck in a hole which you can't get out of and can't see a single ray of sunlight. Also in regards to what our fellow Christian brother/ sister said. It's a lot easier said than done to become independent especially if you're a girl. And even if I do something like that it would mean that I would have to essentially cut off my ties with my family - which I'm not willing to do since my family is important to me. It's also extremely difficult to seperated culture and religion especially with Asian/ middle eastern countries so even if I did try to explain something to my dad he wouldn't understand - his point of view is very different from mine. I wouldn't really mind getting psychiatric help either since I do want to solve my problem whatever it takes. Also even though I did end the engagement let me tell you it wasn't pretty at all and ended very bitterly. Btw a levels are for free in the UK and I do not work so I can't arrange any majlis or go to a ziyara. And I agree with what you said about trying not to get my parents angry but sometimes even our elders can be wrong and the sad thing is when they are they don't want to accept it and refuse to listen to anyone else's opinion. 

 

mariam, dont be scared but i am a sister and you intrigue me. i like the way you think in fact youre real. i like that. i dont know where you live but i can somehow feel what you feel. i mean i feel i have dealt with similar experiences or felt similar pains. the fact youre not motivated or you dont want to disobey your parents but you gotta fight back for your freedom that feeling of school studies and not knowing listen to me its okay, just remember this the purpose of our life is to worship Allah, i feel to bring the motivation back in you you need to listen to some inspriational lectures. Try searching Hussain Makke on youtube, in fact here are some of his lectures

 

 

 

i find them quite useful. and try salat ul layl. you know when i didnt have motivation i tried certain islamic things just once and i felt it coming back to me. i want you to know youre worth living for and what youre facing isnt something wrong people do feel lost or demotivated in life. have you asked yourself truly inside whats stopping you from your motivation.what is it. how can you make yourself better. in fact tell me are there certain things that make you feel better. do you have a tlent or something you can work on to help you. why not make a thread on shiachat asking people what their motivations are.Mines is islam.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Mariam_ I have seen at my imam bargah that women who cannot afford to sponsor full tabarruk, sometimes they cook something and put it in disposable containers. They stand at entrance at the beginning of majlis and distribute the food they cook. It can be milk-shake, halwa, anything. But that is for later. First you need to start praying and reading Quran and you received very good advice for that. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Mariam_ said:

Salam everyone,

 

 Also in regards to what our fellow Christian brother/ sister said. It's a lot easier said than done to become independent especially if you're a girl. And even if I do something like that it would mean that I would have to essentially cut off my ties with my family - which I'm not willing to do since my family is important to me. It's also extremely difficult to seperated culture and religion especially with Asian/ middle eastern countries so even if I did try to explain something to my dad he wouldn't understand - his point of view is very different from mine. I wouldn't really mind getting psychiatric help either since I do want to solve my problem whatever it takes. Also even though I did end the engagement let me tell you it wasn't pretty at all and ended very bitterly. Btw a levels are for free in the UK and I do not work so I can't arrange any majlis or go to a ziyara. And I agree with what you said about trying not to get my parents angry but sometimes even our elders can be wrong and the sad thing is when they are they don't want to accept it and refuse to listen to anyone else's opinion. 

We hear this story time and time again. I am sorry you are caught in this difficult situation. I wouldnt get a psychiatrist because you arent crazy.  Just a regular every day friend would do you more good.  If you ever find a good solution, let us know.  Best of luck. 

Maybe just taking time to find someone you would like to marry, would be fine. Someone that both you and your parents would approve of.  Aside from that, understand that we all fail at times in our ventures, this is just part of life. The best we can do is look ahead, try to make a plan for our future, one that is reasonable and with attainable goals.  Find some friends, and go for it. You dont want to be down on yourself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
36 minutes ago, iCambrian said:

I wouldnt get a psychiatrist because you arent crazy.

Why do people see a psychiatrist?
 

People come to see a psychiatrist for many reasons. Some people have severe mental illnesses like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Some people are simply having trouble coping with the many stresses of modern life. Some people are already seeing a counselor who has suggested that medication might help them feel better. Most people who see a psychiatrist are simply trying to find ways to cope better with difficult feelings or behaviors and see psychiatric treatment as an opportunity to improve their lives.

If I see a psychologist or psychiatrist, does that mean I'm crazy?
 

No. There is a negative stereotype that many people have that can make them shy about coming to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Because of this stereotype, many people put off treatment when they could have been feeling better long ago. Seeing a mental health professional really just means that you are struggling with feelings or behavior and would like help. It's no different than if you were seeing an eye doctor because you couldn't see well. Often as part of treatment you will receive a diagnosis. The diagnosis is shorthand to describe the types of problems you have, to qualify you for services from schools or the government, and to help you get reimbursement from your insurance company. We firmly believe, though, that a diagnosis does not define who you are and definitely does not mean anything bad about you. All people are unique and any two people with the same diagnosis are usually very different from each other. So going to a Psych does not mean you are crazy and if you take a survey of your friends, family members, and coworkers, you will probably find a large percentage of people who have sought treatment for mental health at some time in their lives.

 

Welcome to the 21st century folks.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
56 minutes ago, iCambrian said:

I wouldnt get a psychiatrist because you arent crazy

I cant believe I am reading this......

One of the reason people go to psychiatrists is because they need help while going through a stressful period in their lives so they don't go crazy. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, starlight said:

I cant believe I am reading this......

One of the reason people go to psychiatrists is because they need help while going through a stressful period in their lives so they don't go crazy. 

 

I think the parents have to go along with the daughter.

mainly the parents in this case !

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, iCambrian said:

I would agree with certain clarity. 

In Islam solution to various issues is in usage of intellect.

Hadith from al- Kafi:

This is one more:

 H 19, Ch. 1, h 19

"I asked Imam abu ‘Abdallah (a.s) this, 

' May Allah take my soul in service for your cause, I have a neighbor who prays a great deal, gives much charity and very often visits Makka and he seems alright.’" The Imam (a.s) asked, "O ibn Ishaq how is his intelligence?" 

I then said, "May Allah take my soul in service for your cause, he does NOT have ANY INTELLIGENCE" 

"NOTHING from what he does will be raised up (to heavens)." Replied the Imam.

*********

Unfortunately majority ignore this fact and their is no pill to eradicate stupidity sadly !

Specially cultural ones ! 

Technology tools have progressed in Asian societies but internal brain technology is running below DOS system.

Saulte to the animal kingdom ,humans have much to learn from them ! 

Edited by certainclarity

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

All you need to do is close your eyes amd think about Allah

Of course with 5 regular prayers.

 

Last time it took me 6 months to come out.

This time it is 6th year.

One more thing i wd like to add.

I asked local maulana that what is the difference between a  test and punishment (from Allah)?

 

His answer was that a test would bring you closer to Allah and a punishment would take you away from HIM.

it will be over soon inshallah.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salaamun Alaykum @Mariam_,

Just curious if you were able to read the message I sent to your inbox,

No worries if not & apologies if it wasn't so helpful-

Just hope things are a bit clearer for you now & you find some breathing space.

 

I think it's interesting- the advice you receive here at ShiaChat- as you might expect, is geared towards strategies for putting your mind at ease through religious or scriptural methods. I think you'll find some really useful ways to reconnect with your faith here, and a really good bunch to help support you through what you're going through.

It sounds like there are a lot of factors at play in your life right now, making things seem really complex and with no clear action to take, which leaves you feeling a bit helpless.

It's sounds a bit strange to say out loud - but this is perfectly natural - although I'm sure it's unpleasant.

There's wisdom which says that in a healthy person; pain or distress or feelings of unease are the mind, body or spirit's way of telling us that something is not right. It's a bit more obvious when you feel it when a pin is sticking out of your foot, or someone you meet is rude to you- there's a clear cause and effect. The pain we feel, sometimes even before we see the pin, or realise that 'I'm feeling pretty miserable rn because that person straight up judged me'.

Importantly, we learn to counteract these feelings by changing our behaviour - we're problem solvers by nature - and only we in ourselves can be careful to wear shoes next time, or introduce ourselves and stand up for ourselves in confrontations.

What I'm saying is, we know that Allah is always pleased with us when we turn to him and ask for his help, because he is the mightiest, and this whole life is just a process of getting to know him and showing appreciation, honour, gratitude and submission to him. Part of that is in using the gifts he's given us practically - to solve problems with the capacity he's given us. In your case, one of the things you did was turn to a wider community here for assistance- the next steps may have to take shape as practical actions in your own life, and building strong connections with people who physically share time and space with you in your family, community, locality etc.

So don't loose hope - you're not expected to be infallible, or never to make mistakes, in fact that's how we learn and build up!

Do keep looking for the silver linings, seeking out allies in your life - people you can trust - and forgive yourself and others, so that you find the strength to wake up and face the challenges ahead.

 

Apologies if the advice falls short again - I feel like it's difficult to know the right thing to say,
but know that many people here and elsewhere would only want to see you thrive, overcome this hurdle and live your life. If things get really tough - do seek out a Counsellor at school, or with your local GP, or a Mental Health service near you - they can be really good!

Insha'Allah there is health and happiness for you ahead,
May we all be transformed into the best versions of ourselves, with excellent character,
Be well.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On ‎8‎/‎4‎/‎2016 at 1:10 AM, Mariam_ said:

Salam Everyone,

This may sound really strange to some of you and I don't know if anyone else has been in a position similar to mine but I hope there is someone out there who understands and can give me some advice on what to do. For the past 3 years I've been feeling very lost - in the sense that I don't know what I'm doing with my life and it's reached the point where I don't know who I am. I don't recognise the person I've become. I feel so helpless all the time and I don't know what to do anymore, I just don't want to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore and start being more grateful for all of the things I do have alhamdulillah. But the thing is I don't know how. This all started after I finished my GCSEs and got into A levels. Around the same time I got a proposal from my cousin and for one reason or another the 17 year old me got pressured into getting engaged with him. From there onwards my life started to spiral downwards. I started to lose all my motivation for everything - studies, friends, family and even my life. I didn't care anymore what happened in my life and everything I did do was to please the people around me. The times where I was alone all I would feel was hollow and a sense of helplessness. During this time I also continued my a levels where I failed some of my exams for both year 12 and 13. Somehow by the grace of Allah - and I legit kid you not, I managed to get into university with my bad grades alhamdulillah. Although on the surface my life seemed great and I looked happy in reality it was falling apart. I got formally engaged after my 18th birthday and struggled to maintain a good relationship with my father who was the one that 'convinced' me to get engaged to my cousin. He said I was young and that I didn't know what I was doing and because he relentlessly bought this topic up for nearly 6 months I didn't care anymore and agreed to the engagement. I was extremely hurt and disappointed that my dad didn't listen to me, that was something that I really didn't expect. I was heartbroken when he didn't listen to me at all and thus these series of events happened. Although now I understand where my he came from - no parent wants anything bad for their child, they should still listen because at the end of the day it's my life and in this case I would be living with him not my dad. In the case of my dad he thought that because he's older and I'm young that I don't know anything and that everything he says is for the best - which in this case didn't work out at all. So I started uni and failed one of my modules. Changed university the following year and continued into second year. A while ago I broke of the engagement because I just couldn't stand him anymore and in all honesty I didn't like him to begin with. I just finished my second year and found out I failed more than one module. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life, I feel so lost and by doing so I'm starting to ruin my own life with my own hands as you can see. I don't know if it's the fear of disappointing my parents - which I've had since I was a child, or my lack of confidence that has caused all these problems in my life. And I know this may seem like a pity party but I seriously want to get out of this hole I've dug up for myself and finally be free of all the things that are tying me down. I know praying and reading the Quran soothes the soul and I'm ashamed to say i don't pray and I haven't read the Quran in so long that I've forgotten how to read altogether. I don't know if it's the lack of prayers or my fears that are doing this but I sincerely wish to change and stop this repeated cycle of failure I'm going through especially with my studies as that's a major part of my life right now. Please don't judge I know I have my fair share of sins and that I may seem ungrateful - which I probably no doubt am but please give me some advice I can work with to slowly built up everything I've lost - basically myself. 

 

Thank you so much for reading my long message and may Allah grant you all Jannah. 

Salam

ah no worries. It can be handled one by one without having grudge against anyone be it Allah, yourself or your dad. Not even against your cousin.

So first things first: Go back to prayer lol. Avoiding prayer is just a sign of hopelessness which is forbidden in Islam. Allah can and will help us if we turned to him. He promised us that and he keeps his promises.

The events were triggered by stress due to engagement and exams. It can cause all sorts of disruption from lack of sleep or lack of quality sleep, loss of appetite to eating too much. Sometimes though we get physical stress from loss of blood or hormonal disturbance which is all common. So if you feel that your hair became in bad shape or your skin is not glowing as it should, go to your family doc and get some tests done for iron and some other vitamins.

Then do review all of your life after getting physically fit.

your case is of depression , so some help from a close friend or family member will work like magic.

Most of time, people post the tip of iceberg and plenty remain hidden. I do not want you to post anything else of details of your life. For now keep them to yourself and after getting better, your brain will be able to tell which factor of those was actually the trigger of depression.

you need to inform your family about your lost sense but make it as physical one. Say you feel fatigue all time, headache, poor sleep lol whatever physical issue you got there, they will at least be more considerate when they judge you because if you keep it inside you all time, noon will figure it out.

Don't worry about future, there is a door of faraj always and things workout. Some graduated from best unis with high grades and are jobless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sister, I think you may be depressed. If you want, you can PM me. 

 

You sound a lot like myself when I was younger. I was hopeless and helpless, had no motivation to do anything. I struggled with Bipolar Disorder all my life and never realized it. 

 

Please consider getting professional help. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@hayyibnyaqzan 

On 5 August 2016 at 0:59 AM, iCambrian said:

realistically though, shes not likely to go to a psychiatrist, she sounds pretty young and I cant imagine her parents would finance that.

I honestly wouldn't mind getting psychiatric help and u don't think my parents mind. At this point I think my dad somewhat understand that what he did was wrong and that its obvs affected me but the problem is first of all we don't have the finances for it second of all i don't think white people (no offence to fellow English/ American etc people it's just the difference in culture, upbringing etc) would understand my situation they would say you should have just said no. And I wouldn't really feel comfortable either talking about my situation to someone who I feel like will probably judge and won't actually understand. 

Edited by Mariam_

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4 August 2016 at 11:03 PM, iCambrian said:

We hear this story time and time again. I am sorry you are caught in this difficult situation. I wouldnt get a psychiatrist because you arent crazy.  Just a regular every day friend would do you more good.  If you ever find a good solution, let us know.  Best of luck. 

Maybe just taking time to find someone you would like to marry, would be fine. Someone that both you and your parents would approve of.  Aside from that, understand that we all fail at times in our ventures, this is just part of life. The best we can do is look ahead, try to make a plan for our future, one that is reasonable and with attainable goals.  Find some friends, and go for it. You dont want to be down on yourself.

Ahh for now marriage is a bit of a taboo subject in our house since I broke of the engagement bit alhamdulillah I have very supportive friends who are helping me get through this and not leaving me alone

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5 August 2016 at 4:37 AM, Chaotic Muslem said:

Salam

ah no worries. It can be handled one by one without having grudge against anyone be it Allah, yourself or your dad. Not even against your cousin.

So first things first: Go back to prayer lol. Avoiding prayer is just a sign of hopelessness which is forbidden in Islam. Allah can and will help us if we turned to him. He promised us that and he keeps his promises.

The events were triggered by stress due to engagement and exams. It can cause all sorts of disruption from lack of sleep or lack of quality sleep, loss of appetite to eating too much. Sometimes though we get physical stress from loss of blood or hormonal disturbance which is all common. So if you feel that your hair became in bad shape or your skin is not glowing as it should, go to your family doc and get some tests done for iron and some other vitamins.

Then do review all of your life after getting physically fit.

your case is of depression , so some help from a close friend or family member will work like magic.

Most of time, people post the tip of iceberg and plenty remain hidden. I do not want you to post anything else of details of your life. For now keep them to yourself and after getting better, your brain will be able to tell which factor of those was actually the trigger of depression.

you need to inform your family about your lost sense but make it as physical one. Say you feel fatigue all time, headache, poor sleep lol whatever physical issue you got there, they will at least be more considerate when they judge you because if you keep it inside you all time, noon will figure it out.

Don't worry about future, there is a door of faraj always and things workout. Some graduated from best unis with high grades and are jobless.

Yeah I tried to tell my mum but she didn't understand at all, she was like 'you have so many things to be grateful for why are you being so ungrateful' and I understand what she says and obviously she is right but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not feeling the best mentally I guess. And it's a lot easier to say things than it is to do them especially in cases like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Mariam_ said:

Yeah I tried to tell my mum but she didn't understand at all, she was like 'you have so many things to be grateful for why are you being so ungrateful' and I understand what she says and obviously she is right but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not feeling the best mentally I guess. And it's a lot easier to say things than it is to do them especially in cases like this

Tell your mother that depression has nothing to do with being ungrateful.

depression is: (please show her this)

- a chemical imbalance. Like a person who has a cold takes medicine, depressed individuals need medication 8/10 times to feel better. Just because you cannot see depression doesn't mean it's not there.

 

- depression is a sign of being strong for too long

- depression is a sign of emotional dis regulation 

- depression is a sign of anger turned inward.

please show your mother this. If you want, ask me for contact info and I'll speak with your mother on this issue. I'm serious.

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Mariam_ said:

Yeah I tried to tell my mum but she didn't understand at all, she was like 'you have so many things to be grateful for why are you being so ungrateful' and I understand what she says and obviously she is right but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm not feeling the best mentally I guess. And it's a lot easier to say things than it is to do them especially in cases like this

Well, yeah she wont get it, and you know why? it is because things are not clear in your head. No matter how long they listened, they wont get it.

I've been there, done that. If a woman is , without particularly obvious reason, turned anxious, irritated, depressed, stressed , she better listen to her body messeges and check her health status. Do not undermine the lack of sleep, poor nutrition or stress effect on your health like i did lol 

At least, which is what i did, i went to pharmacy and got vitamins, iron and zinc , mg and calcium ... That was all that was needed to fix it

But you may as well do blood tests Or find natural food that will replace the defiecet that you most likely have.

On a mental note: Do not blame others and just move on. Many relationships do not work be it based on planned maraige or love or coincidence or whatever 

people move on, so you must. As your mother said, look at the bright side: you got a family when many dont, your mom is alive, others never knew their moms. Your father wanted the best for you with that marriage and still supporting you, at least financially, despite all these negative emotions you got towards him. 

You got your youth, your uni

What you do not got is how to look at life as life that gives and takes and is to be lived and let go to its attachment

But if you are under physical stress, you wont be able to do it.

De-tox, clean up your body and find some friends, enjoy the days. It does not worth it to kill your soul over perceptions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...