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In the Name of God بسم الله
pear117

Questions for the married (both males and females)

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Salaam,

 

Hope this finds all in the best of health and imaan inshallah.

 

So Inshallah I am looking to get married in a couple of weeks and have never had any experience with women in my life whatsoever. It is going to be a typical traditional marriage, arranged by our parents. She will be moving into my family house to live with myself, along with my parents and my siblings (inshallah).

We are of Indian descent, living in the west and are quite a traditional family (and so is she!).

My question to the reader is that now that you've been married for a while now (Alhamdolillah) and have the knowledge and experience, what would you differently in the :

 

1) Wedding night

2) First week 

3) First month

4) First 3 months

5) First 6 months

6) First year

7) First 5 years

 

Any other advise would be highly appreciated as I don't have any elder brothers or cousins of a similar age who can give me guidance on this topic. I am also amongst the first to get married from my friends as well!

 

 

Thanks!

 

God bless all, through the Ahlulbayt AS inshallah.

 

 

 

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how to start new stage of life after marriage?

man can play a key  role  in creating  friendly atmosphere after he got married .the following are key factors   to have a good  and joyful life .

1) one of the key factors is  that man should  express his love and affection  to his wife . there is a great Hdith from the prophet of mercy "  man's statement to his wife - i love you - never goes out of her heart'' . ( Mizan Al-Hekmah, vol 4, page 285)

2) second factor that guarantee fallacious life is that man shows respect for his wife .

3) patience is another important key  that lead to having good life . it is obvious  that life is filled with hardship and problem , so we should be patient and act wisely .

 i hope the best for you  brother .

 

Edited by dawudansari2

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Been married for three decades. I have a newly married daughter as well. I'll give you some of the advice I gave her. From the first five minutes to the first five decades I'd say kindness and communication are key. Try to keep your spouse's feelings and best interests always in your mind. Develop good communication skills ( every couple does this differently, but finding out how is so important).

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On 7/2/2016 at 7:35 PM, skamran110 said:

Bro, those links were soo helpful! Especially the last one. I hope all people who are in a situation like mine read the last link. Thanks you very much.

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On 7/2/2016 at 0:41 PM, pear117 said:

Salaam,

 

Hope this finds all in the best of health and imaan inshallah.

 

So Inshallah I am looking to get married in a couple of weeks and have never had any experience with women in my life whatsoever. It is going to be a typical traditional marriage, arranged by our parents. She will be moving into my family house to live with myself, along with my parents and my siblings (inshallah).

Salaam, eid mubarak and congratulations.

On 7/2/2016 at 0:41 PM, pear117 said:

1) Wedding night

There are some prayers to be offered. Also get some protein and carbs to maintain energy. Avoid onions and garlic. :)

On 7/2/2016 at 0:41 PM, pear117 said:

2) First week 

3) First month

4) First 3 months

5) First 6 months

6) First year

7) First 5 years

Best advice I can offer is to pick your battles. Whenever my wife and I have to make a decision about something, I go with her advice unless it really, really impacts me in a very negative way. As a result, now she knows that I only counter her when I feel strongly about something which makes our decisions quick and without much fighting. She is happy because 90% of the time she gets things her way.

Next, get ready for all your costs to double. No one gave me this advice but it is very relevant. For example, now you will have to pay for 2 people at the movies, 2 people for dinner, etc. You will have to consciously make the effort to only spend half of what you used to spend on yourself since everything is double. It will throw your finances completely off if you are not prepared for it.

Third, since you will be living in a joint-family, your time will also be split 3-ways (you and family vs you and wife vs you, wife and family). Strike the right balance between them. Your wife is leaving her home for you so make sure you give her the time but at the same time, your immediate family may feel jealous you are not giving them enough time.

Good luck brother.

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Dear brother, since you liked the above posted links so much, "specially the last one", I'll start with the one and then come to the others.

Advice one: Do not force herself and yourself into physical sexual act. Its one of the most natural acts of  a husband and wife, same as eating food. If you leave a newborn without any guidance, newborn would still know how to eat. Same goes for intimacy between a husband and wife. its natural and you don't need any classes or premediation for it. Let intimacy come naturally between the two of you. Before that, by communication and care, create this special love and attractiveness between the two of you which Allah swt has only blessed between a husband and a wife. No other relation in the world has that kind of rahma. Start loving each other before start having sex. All that sex on first night and those other cultural things are pure useless cultural invitation to rape at best. If you let it come naturally between you, in few years you both would become the most fulfilling sexual partners for each other. If you jump on her on the first night or the first week or basically artificially only under your own desires, you will blow a special fuse in her for good and would have to content with a one sided sex for most the time for the most of your life.   

Advice two: starting from the first moment of your marriage, communicate. Communicate about everything, in nice and polite words but communication is the key which makes or breaks marriage, or make it successful or miserable.

Advice three: Don't let anybody's opinion come between you and your wife. Nobody including yourself is without faults, and neither do your parents. She is in your home for you, not for your mother, not for your father, neither for your siblings. Always remember that this wonder, beautiful, smart, talking thinking human being has given her trust, keys to her well being in your hands, and your hands only. Never forget this. According to Allah swt, She and You are one unit now, so much so that she is your clothes and your are hers so treat accordingly. 

Advice four: Your love for her must not come between the love and respect for your parents and the rights that your siblings have on you. Be just always.

Advice five: Whenever you plan to have babies, learn the times, dates, duas, state of wudhu and other things so shaitan doesn't come mingle between you both when you are causing a new human life on earth. I can't overemphasize this last point for you. You will thank me for this when your kids would grow older. Marriage and Morals in Islam is a good book for that, but there are more duas in our dua books for it. https://www.al-islam.org/marriage-and-morals-islam-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi

Footnote: I assume you already know the rules of najasah, tahara, ghusl, wudhu, etc.

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Happy Eid brother and Congratulations on your marriage. It is a big life changing step. I guess I'll just be echoing the advice of others. My top advice would be from questions 1-7 is to be yourself and be comfortable in your own skin and to embody the universal principles that every human deserves. Like respect, honesty, trustworthiness etc. And being considerate toward the other party and to communicate. Life is complicated. It takes two wings to fly - two hands to clap. 

 

Sometimes females are confusing and are very emotional. Study your partner and read general information about females, perhaps ask your partner discovery questions FYI to understand the other gender brother and inshallah my advice is somewhat helpful to you.  

 

Turn to Quran for the Lords advice..

Salaam :)

Ali

 

 

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