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In the Name of God بسم الله

Looking for advice on a situation with parents/gir

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  • Basic Members

Salaam Everyone,

I am a university student. I find myself in a situation with things conflicting and causing mental stress and troubles. I decided I should reach out to a religious community as it may help to shed some light on my situation.

During my time at university, I joined and started participating in a student run association which holds duas such as dua tawassul and dua kumayl. After going to these events (which are held in classrooms at the university), I had a chance to socialize with the people present. Personally, as I have only lived in one country my whole life, I have not had many Shia friends at my place of education and so this was a very exciting opportunity for me. I thus met dozens of Shia people through this, added them on Facebook in order to communicate and became good friends with a few. One of these was a girl also studying in my program (a lower year).

Initially, we discussed class and I helped her with her classes because she was a sister in need of help. I also thought of her as an amazing individual with very strong aqeedah and matching principles with mine. I felt as if it was someone I was meant to meet, to help and talk to. Eventually, through purely platonic chatter, this attraction strengthened as I found out more and more about what an amazing person she is. In fact, her influence inspired me to be a better person. As unfortunate as it is (may Allah forgive me) but previously I did not pray as nearly as much as I wished to (although I did whenever I could and attended majalis, etc often). After meeting her I now pray 5 times a day and sometimes extra whenever time allows. She has truly changed me for the better in this manner and I still feel she is an amazing individual. I also feel that she feels the same way about myself. We have not discussed anything in depth but there have been times where it has been obvious we both believe each other to be ideal for ourselves.

Of course, too much interaction of this sort is considered haram and should not be done. Hence, we have tried to limit it (one of the conversations we had). However, this is not the major issue. I personally sincerely see a future for myself with her and think she is absolutely perfect in this sense. The problem is the following. She is of Khoja descent and her family is from Africa (obviously with an Indian background). My family is of Indian background with a Syed lineage. Time and time again my parents have mentioned when looking for individuals for my older siblings that an Indian Syed family is important to them. Obviously, this individual is not Syed and hence would not qualify for this one limitation. She is educated, religious, etc. But because of this one criteria, I do not think my parents would be very open to the idea. 

Personally, I never want to upset my parents and could not ever do anything without their permission and well wishes. I have not even mentioned anything about this girl to them and do not know what to do at this point. I decided I should contact an alim in order to see if they could give me some further insight on this issue. Thank you so much for reading this, JazakAllah. If I have said anything that may seem incredibly wrong, I apologize.

I would also like to know what your thoughts are on the rulings of Syed's marrying Syed's. Why or why not is this crucial? Is this just cultural or Religious?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

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  • Advanced Member

There is no ruling of Syed to Syed marriage. Hz. Zainab As, none but the daughter of Ameer ul Momineen Ali AS married a non-Syed, namely Abdullah the son of Jaffar Tayyar RA. Neither the wives of any of the Imams who descended other Imams were Sayeds, or ven from bani Hashim. Hz. Shehr Bano, Hz. Samana, Hz. Narjis, none was from Banu Hashim.

Send three La'an on the cultural religion of India and Pk and marry according to the faith of Ahlulbayt and not the racist cultural religion of India. 

Good luck.

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  • Development Team
1 hour ago, Brother9619 said:

Thank you brother, my Allah s.w.t reward you. Out of curiousity, would you know where this "Syed to Syed" marriage logic comes from then?

It comes from the Hindi caste system, which came from the Vedic texts of the Hindus and the idea that people who are Syed are somehow superior to non-Syed is again going back to the concept of the caste system and the idea that the higher castes are superior to the lower castes. There is no such caste system in Islam nor is it mentioned anywhere in the Qur'an and the Ahlulbayt (as) never taught this either. The Hindi caste system is stupid, barbaric, racist and un-Islamic and the idea of Syed-Syed marriage is like an Muslim "reincarnation" of the caste system. 

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar
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Dear brother - I need to clarify, human dynamics are not like 1s and 0s. There are millions of dimensions involved.

I won't totally disregard Syed-Syed marriage though. Its preferable in my personal opinion because a) there is a Hadith of the Prophet S which says our sons are for our daughters and our daughters are for our sons, b)Khums and Zakaat issues between Syed and non-Syeds.

But the core consideration should be on the religious leaning and akhlaq of the person irrespective of his or her lineage. This does not negate the hadith that if one is satisfied with the akhlaq and religion of the person, then marry him (her) unless one wants fasad on earth.

This Syed to Syed enforcement to me makes it appear the Bani Israel who bickered and bickered more with the Prophet on the selection of the cow till it became almost impossible for them to attain in (sura Baqra). Fulfilling Allah swt command to get married is extremely easy as long as people stick to a few basic requirements, such as general likeness, religion and akhlaq to be supreme with 100% consideration to being kufu' (closest compatibility) to each other in all ways (tribes, families, economic background, academic background, language, culture, geography) which is also the order of Allah swt. But sticking to Syed-Syed thing like a maniac is absurd and harmful on many levels specially to the young ones who are in need of getting married.    


Edited by Irfani313
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Once you've had your iftar, make a cup of tea, sit back, relax and read one of the many older Syed/Non-Syed marriage threads on Shiachat.

Sadly, we no longer seem to have some of the passionate female posters who abhorred the idea of Syed/non-Syed marriage, but their contributions did make for good, old-fashioned, innocent entertainment.


Edited by Haji 2003
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