how to save my friend

[Parastoo27]

As salam aleykum 

I have a friend (non muslim) who is about to get married.She has been treated badly by her family and was abused as a child, her fiance was also abused and is an alcoholic. I also have been abused by a close relative when I was young. Basically I am happy that he opened up about his situation and seems he will seek therapy.However I am very uncomfortable, for instance my friend leaves me in the room alone with him even when he was drunk, and I felt he is developing unhealthy feelings towards me.I want her honestly to leave him I know she loves him, but if this was my daughter I would say you cannot save him, you must save yourself.I don't believe in giving up on people, but I also felt compromised being drawn into the middle of all of this.They are getting married in a hall not in a church and I am the "maid of honour" how can I stand up for them, and the person who abused her is walking her down the aisle, how can I let her marry him he is very sick it's one thing he is an addict but I feel he is quite cunning and manipulative I don't like the way he talks to her, she puts up with what i saw today and other day every single day!He uses what she went through to put her down.I am scared to even say this because I don't like it to come accross as backbiting.Even if I have to say something to stop the wedding why should I care what people think-how can they have children this way!My feeling is too make sure they go through with therapy, and if they don't I am going to have to plan a way to help her leave.

What are my duties what are my obligations as a Muslim in this regard I mean I know in my heart I can't let her marry him.We cannot save people sometimes we have to save ourselves, I will pray but I cannot lie unless obviously if she is in danger I would question that. You know where she works many muslim mothers come and ask her if she's single, or pity you are engaged I would like you for my son.She is amazing!!He is so lucky to have her, but I think he is too sick that it comes to a point she will have to reject him if she realise she is strong.

Am I also getting to involved with this.I know I will not be alone with him again!Why should I put myself in danger I also must have self respect.He had grabbed my hands at one point cornering me. Later when he thought i was asleep (I didn't leave my friend, and stayed with her while he was on the couch) he came into the room and told her that he loves me because I'm nice. Astaghfirullah I don't want to be nice! Please make dua for my friend. I saw her in her wedding dress looking doubtful.I told her it is never too late to change your mind.Please advise me how to deal with this, without also making him alienate her from me.But I cannot be around him at all!

JazakAllah khair

[LeiMah]

Salam,

Have you actually TOLD her all that you've just wrote? That he cornered you and said inappropriate things? You have to explain to her why you believe he's bad for her and actually tell her what he's done. If you did that and she STILL wants to marry him then i'm afraid there's not much you can do. You've put the facts in front of her now it's up to her to use her judgement.

I understand that she's a good friend of yours but if she ends up marrying him you can't keep being close to her. If he's as bad as you say then you also have to protect yourself and if she couldn't save her fiance then you probably can't save her either. Your duty is to warn her and it's up to her to decide. But in return you can't keep being close to her and exposing yourself to dunya-oriented people, nothing good can come out of it.

[Parastoo27]

18 minutes ago, LeiMah said:

Salam,

Have you actually TOLD her all that you've just wrote? That he cornered you and said inappropriate things? You have to explain to her why you believe he's bad for her and actually tell her what he's done. If you did that and she STILL wants to marry him then i'm afraid there's not much you can do. You've put the facts in front of her now it's up to her to use her judgement.

I understand that she's a good friend of yours but if she ends up marrying him you can't keep being close to her. If he's as bad as you say then you also have to protect yourself and if she couldn't save her fiance then you probably can't save her either. Your duty is to warn her and it's up to her to decide. But in return you can't keep being close to her and exposing yourself to dunya-oriented people, nothing good can come out of it.

JazakAllah khair , I just got back home today and wanted the advice before I speak to her again, because I haven't told her about his advances yet. 

[monad]

1 hour ago, donotworshipthesun said:

you need to choose better friends 

Imam Ali said "tell me who who is your company and i will tell you who you are"

Maybe you need to re-learn to read and I would appreciate that one does no throw narrations around, because one assumes, it fits a particular context. There is a BIG difference in reading a narration and thinking of it simplistic idiom. A psychologist companions are his mentally ill patients, now, does it mean they must be bad too?. or for the matter, we spend more time with our work colleagues then friends... I hope you get the picture.

You are better of sitting on a tan bed at night to get your sun rays buddy.

Imagine, that un-abused people have confused realities, now compare it to individuals whom have been abused. You can tell your friend what you think, and lay down the consequences of their choice. Wether it be an unhealthy reality or you distancing your self due to safety concerns, which is not abandonment. silence is not always Golden, but how we speak to others it self can be Golden. ( - intellectual, realistic advice )

 

Edited May 29, 2016 by monad

[monad]

Don;t provide me with ammo to insult you. You seem to have ignored the aspect of sexual or physical abuse and jumped right on to the word alcohol, that is because it something you can associate with. It was not her friend, but her fiance, who could have just arrived home while they were associating. Possibly the OP found solace in a non-muslim, who too had been abused, because a MUSLIM would have frowned and rejected her, due to circumstances she could not control. Just like you, they too would have quote some narration to make the person feel even worse, while thinking it will improve the situation. Come back to real world kid and the truth is only relevant when connected to a particular context.

Edited May 29, 2016 by monad
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