Religious enough to marry a pious person but not religious enough to marry someone living in another country?

[TryingToBe]

Salaam Dear Brothers and Sisters,

So, i have started looking for a suitable match recently for myself. And i have come across this real problem. Maybe, i am thinking too shallow, or maybe that is how our society has turned out to be.

There are 2 things i want to state here and get your opinion on what's going on here.

1. There are profiles of people where they mention, they are VERY religious and would want someone to be religious and who is striving to be perfect and what not. 

However, in their profile, they have mentioned that they are not willing to relocate to another country. Although, at first this seems like a non-issue. However, if someone is actually looking for someone who is very religious; then the choice becomes quite narrow. So, when someone from a country other than the potential "very religious" person's home country comes across their profile, there is this almost impenetrable barrier; geographical location. There are a plenty of examples in Islamic history that arabs married non-arabs, quraish married hashimis and so on., then why would this location thing become a barrier for a very religious person? they may have their reasons and everything BUT still, why?

Now, i am not saying that it is wrong, nonetheless, this becomes really very irritating for us living here in Pakistan. 

2. There are many mentions in our religion that if we can find someone pious; that should be enough of a decision parameter in terms of marriage; But no, today everything else matter BUT piety in most cases. Parents want their son-in-laws to be on the higher side from the perspective of this world and least care about how they are for the next world. Someone who owns properties and a number of cars would be preferred over someone who is just able to make ends meet and earn a lawful living. Where does the pious man go then when all he wants to do is save his half of religion?

P.S: the website i am referring to is www.shiamatch.com

Edited March 5, 2016 by TryingToBe

[Guest]

Salam, 

People have ,always had, reservations about marrying people from other cultures and countries. Then there could be some personal reasons why he/she doesn't want to relocate, like when I was considering proposals for marriage I also wanted to marry a religious person but I didn't want to relocate to another country. The reason I didn't want to move was that if I relocated to another country my Mom would be left alone. 

In response to your second I would just say,pray to Allah for the right person but more important than that, strive to be the right person for a religious girl. 

[TryingToBe]

8 minutes ago, starlight said:

In response to your second I would just say,pray to Allah for the right person but more important than that, strive to be the right person for a religious girl. 

thanks for your reply.

You are right. And we try that. However, it should become easier to strive towards our main purpose with a support. Time keeps flying away and there is not much time to find someone like i described in such a short time. Nonetheless, Allah is the best of planners and inshaAllah, we keep our hopes high.

[TryingToBe]

19 minutes ago, starlight said:

The reason I didn't want to move was that if I relocated to another country my Mom would be left alone. 

that's understandable and such things can be discussed. However, putting something like that as a filter on a matching website really doesn't come off as something positive.

That's just my opinion.

[Semiramis]

Idk how ppl trust online-dating sites... Pple r not really as good as they seem in social media.

[TryingToBe]

5 minutes ago, Semiramis said:

Idk how ppl trust online-dating sites... Pple r not really as good as they seem in social media.

Well, to begin with, some people don't have any other choice. Also, if you use the online medium to actually connect offline, then it is an efficient and useful way of finding someone.

[coldcow]

There is a far more limited number of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the US that are at a similar piety level to me, than there are overseas.  If lots of males start marrying girls from overseas, then that's like a slap in the face to all the females that are here trying to marry someone here.  And while males can marry any person of the book, females are limited in that aspect.  So when young Muslim males start marrying people from overseas, or non-Muslim people of the book, it starts limiting the pool of eligible bachelors for the ladies here.

And it's a lot harder for 1) males from overseas to adapt to having an independent wife that grew up in the west, 2) females from here to leave behind their friends and families and move to a foreign country, 3) any couple that grew up worlds apart to bond quickly, 4) it tends to be a more expensive process if nothing else, and 5) you can never be sure if they'll marry just anyone so they can come to a western country.

[TryingToBe]

1 hour ago, coldcow said:

 

And it's a lot harder for 1) males from overseas to adapt to having an independent wife that grew up in the west, 2) females from here to leave behind their friends and families and move to a foreign country, 3) any couple that grew up worlds apart to bond quickly, 4) it tends to be a more expensive process if nothing else, and 5) you can never be sure if they'll marry just anyone so they can come to a western country.

1. These days men in developing countries have a good amount of exposure to this phenomena. In case of eastern families living abroad, i would like to think they try to keep their eastern values in tact. Also, as long as Islamic laws are being observed sufficiently ( which is expected from a pious person), there shouldn't be a problem with regards to independence (although, there is a fundamental glitch, as a wife is supposed to have her husband's approval before she does anything - which doesn't necessarily have to be a barrier, given husband and wife develop such an understanding).

2. there can be a middle ground. Some arrangements can always be made. We live in a global village.

3. younger couples can still make it happen, i think.

4. There are always priorities.

5. what if the man suggests on living in his home country after marriage and takes that fear off the table?

[coldcow]

10 minutes ago, TryingToBe said:

1. These days men in developing countries have a good amount of exposure to this phenomena. In case of eastern families living abroad, i would like to think they try to keep their eastern values in tact. Also, as long as Islamic laws are being observed sufficiently ( which is expected from a pious person), there shouldn't be a problem with regards to independence (although, there is a fundamental glitch, as a wife is supposed to have her husband's approval before she does anything - which doesn't necessarily have to be a barrier, given husband and wife develop such an understanding).

2. there can be a middle ground. Some arrangements can always be made. We live in a global village.

3. younger couples can still make it happen, i think.

4. There are always priorities.

5. what if the man suggests on living in his home country after marriage and takes that fear off the table?

1) Examples I've seen - a man marries someone from here, and gets frustrated because his wife is driving him around (before he even has a drivers licence).  Or, since there are no servants here, expecting the house to be clean without him doing anything (i.e. the wife doing it).  Or not understanding "girls night out."

2) I guess arrangements can be made for anything.  You could even fly friends and family to the foreign country every month.  But in reality, you've grown up with these people, why would you want to move half a world away from them?  You wouldn't be able to go to their birthdays, to their weddings, visit them when they're sick, etc.

3) Yeah, but again, you've grown up in different cultures.  Another example I've seen is how racist someone from the motherland was and the wife (who was born here in the US) couldn't change that and make him understand that the US is very pluralistic.  It caused strife between them.  

4) Yeah, it really depends on how much disposable income a family has.  If they're rich, then they can afford the increased expense.  But there are plenty of people who live paycheck to paycheck.  Try telling them to prioritize so they can afford to marry someone from overseas.

5) That's fine, if she's agreeable to it.  But not very many women from here are going to be willing to go back to their husband's home country (see #2).  And from a guy's perspective, what if it's the girl who's trying to just come here for the greencard?

The population of Pakistan is 182 million.  The Muslim population of the US is around 3 million.  There aren't that many fish in the sea over here.  It would appear that the sea is far more densely populated over there.  

I personally want a wife from here, because of all the reasons listed above.  Someone who grew up here, has friends and family here to lean on and support her in case something happens to me, understands the culture I grew up in because they grew up in the same culture and knows how to raise kids in this culture.

Personal preference I suppose.  But point is, there are plenty of logical reasons why someone might not want to relocate outside of the country, or want to marry someone from a different country.  Heck, I don't even want to marry someone from Canada.  Even marrying someone from outside Texas scares me, but it's better than a Canadian.

[anonymike]

Im having similar issues, ive been to 3 colleges still dont have a degree, and most muslim women on that website want someone equal level degree, at least bachelors, not too many place religiosity as an importance. If thats the cade I might as well wait til I have the money then. Didnt think finding a halal way would be this difficult. 

And that sucks in America because youre sorrounded by sexuality. 

Edited March 6, 2016 by anonymike

[coldcow]

5 hours ago, anonymike said:

Im having similar issues, ive been to 3 colleges still dont have a degree, and most muslim women on that website want someone equal level degree, at least bachelors, not too many place religiosity as an importance. If thats the cade I might as well wait til I have the money then. Didnt think finding a halal way would be this difficult. 

And that sucks in America because youre sorrounded by sexuality. 

It's not that women want someone with at least an equal level degree, I think it's that they're afraid of having to support the family while a man does nothing.  They want to see a man who is willing to work hard and take care of his family.  Whether they are all true or not, there are stories of men coming here from overseas and not working while their wives do everything.  To be fair, it's hard for them to get a job, but some just don't want to start out at the bottom in whatever their job is.  But if you read enough online profiles, you'll see a pattern where they expect a hard working man, not just a man with a  degree.

And I think overseas people exaggerate the "sexuality" in America.  

[Inner Peace]

On March 5, 2016 at 4:05 PM, coldcow said:

 Heck, I don't even want to marry someone from Canada.  Even marrying someone from outside Texas scares me, but it's better than a Canadian.

I mean if Donald Trump wins don't come running to Canada. After all, Americans nearly crashed our immigration website after super Tuesday. Jokes aside I agree with you, it's a totally different culture marrying someone from overseas. The expectations, living standards and thinking is really different. I personally can't see how people make it work, I don't think I would ever be able to. 

[Ali_Hussain]

On 5/3/2016 at 2:57 PM, TryingToBe said:

Salaam Dear Brothers and Sisters,

So, i have started looking for a suitable match recently for myself. And i have come across this real problem. Maybe, i am thinking too shallow, or maybe that is how our society has turned out to be.

There are 2 things i want to state here and get your opinion on what's going on here.

1. There are profiles of people where they mention, they are VERY religious and would want someone to be religious and who is striving to be perfect and what not. 

 

wa 'alaykum assalam,

Brother, they are doing you a favour, think carefully, have you ever, in all of your life heard someone that you consider to be religious describe themselves as being religious? Let alone "very religious" ? Of course not, because the believer sees his actions and deeds as little, but the hypocrite sees his deeds and actions as a lot.

People can talk about coming from a religious family, about being practicing, about striving to be better, but about being really religious? I'm sorry, that is woman code for, I want to pick and choose the parts of Islam that suit me, and chuck the rest in the bin, whilst at the same time having a really pious (and rich) husband, who is willing do forgo some of his Islamic rights to fit into my twisted version of Islam.

You are better off without such people, find someone with a modicum of humbleness, arrogance is a horrible trait.