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In the Name of God بسم الله

What to do when people staring at you and your family

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Salam, 

First of all I'm not Rambo. I'm kinda tall but not a muscleman neither a skinnyboy and I don't like to fight.

But when I'm with my family (wife and kids) in a waiting room at a bus station and I get something to eat and come back seeing a dude (morrocan or arab)  sitting not far from my wife and I am going to sit between them (he was making room for me) and after that he keeps on staring all the time at my wife, me and my kids ..

Then is it an abnormal reaction that you're becoming Abu Jihad, upset and then to ask the dude : What you're looking at man?!

Or was it better to just keep silent?

How should a real Shi'a respond and deal with such situations?



 

Edited by Skanderbeg
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  • Advanced Member

Thank you sister.

But what would you expect from a husband when a man is looking at you all the time (sometimes looking at the rest of the family as well but to you also?

This guy was btw raised muslim and unfortunately it are most of the time muslims males with who I got such confrontations with. 

Those who should know act totally the opposite way. 

Edited by Skanderbeg
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Hhhmm, well I'd probably still say don't do anything unless this guy starts saying or doing anything inappropriate. I'm the kind of person who likes to avoid confrontation so I would only say something if the person was getting personal. 

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10 minutes ago, starlight said:

Salaam,

The only thing I find 'abnormal' in your reaction is that you got upset. It's best to stay calm. If I were in your place, what I would have done is , I would have gone to the that guy, said salam or hello in a friendly way and asked him "It appeared that you were looking at me and my family? maybe you were confusing us for someone you know??"  then I would have a short chat on the lines of 'where are you travelling to?' asked about his work etc.

Most people are not ready for such a direct reaction and are taken aback and not able to come up with a good answer. Good chances are they would stop staring after this conversation. It important to handle the situation amicably, never a good idea to get in a heated confrontation when you are with women and kids. 

@zainabamy  I also ignore most people who stare, but when you are a man and and another man is staring at your wife and kids then its a different situation. 

Salam, 

Well it's about honour. 

When a male feels that another male doesn't respect him especially in the case of marital relationships temperature rises very quick. 

My ancestors are from a tropical region and we aren't as easy or cool as West-Europeans for example. (Although I must admit that I am still an easy kind of guy compared with most people of my kind.)

And I know that most Moroccans and Arabs would feel the same way as well. I was raised with Moroccans and Arabs so I know them as myself. 

 

Edited by Skanderbeg
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  • Advanced Member

Bismillah.

Salaam.

In my humble opinion, your case is under the title "what is vain" and "vain talk"; the Qur'an says:

وَ إِذا مَرُّوا بِاللَّغْوِ مَرُّوا كِراماً

"and when they pass by what is vain, they pass by nobly" (25:72)

With Duas.

Narsis.

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Stare back? 

I think starlight gives the best advice, but you already said that will be too difficult for a person with your temperament.

 

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why didnt you just say hello to him?

speaking does wonders with strangers , and the description you give seems very paranoid, maybe it was all in your head, after all:

"the world is a mirror which reflects to the viewer that which he sees into it"

being friendly goes a long way, even with your enemies

if you have not learned anything from the ahlul bayt, then learn that they gave only good from themselves even when faced with the worst peopel

just remember how Imam Hussein(PBUH) dealt with the people at karbala, he was not aggressive towards them when talking to them, or condescending or even rude

he spoke to them appropriately and stated facts 

when he called them names like "oh children of..." he didnt do it with an aggressive tone, he just spoke to them in order to try to wake them up 

next time you run into somebody who makes you feel uncomfortable, make a new friend and say hello with a nice smile instead of getting paranoid and freaking out like that

 

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47 minutes ago, neverforgotten313 said:

speaking does wonders with strangers , and the description you give seems very paranoid, maybe it was all in your head, after all:

Ah ok so when someone is sitting next to you and you feel he is looking at your direction all the time and then you verified it several times untill one time he stares again and you look him right in the eyes staring at your direction and keeps on staring at you? 

Is to become uncomfortable at that a sign of paranoia or should you ask yourself and the guy what's wrong?


I'm not crazy or paranoid dude. I know what's going on.
 

Edited by Skanderbeg
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8 minutes ago, Skanderbeg said:

Ah ok so when someone is sitting next to you and you feel he is looking at your direction all the time and then you verified it several times untill one time he stares again and you look him right in the eyes staring at your direction and keeps on staring at you? 

Is to become uncomfortable at that a sign of paranoia or should you ask yourself and the guy what's wrong?


I'm not crazy or paranoid dude. I know what's going on.
 

you just defeated your own argument , you said "you FEEL" see the paranoia popping up now?

if i were your therapist i would be extremely concerned about you making a post about somebody looking at you

that alone sounds just ridiculous and extremely paranoid , i am sorry but you cant sugar coat this anyway to make it seem normal

Edited by neverforgotten313
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4 minutes ago, Skanderbeg said:

Yes  I felt it, then verified it and once it was clear as water that he was staring again I looked him right in the eyes. 

Coincidence?

you better get a therapist fast

not only are you obsessed with somebody "looking" in your direction but afterwards you made a post about it to strangers to talk about it how he was looking at you

these are the signs of abnormal obsession and paranoia 

besides this is your rendition of the event, you could be seeing it this way but it could be far from reality 

maybe the guy just happened to be looking in your direction once or twice for some reason like looking for the bus or who knows what

and you are writing posts about it asking peoples opinion about it

this is nothing but signs of extreme paranoia 

Edited by neverforgotten313
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Yes right! :grin:

People never stare or look at others too long. Never happens and when someone sees it it's in his head. Paranoia. Abnormal obsession.

I'm asking myself if you are joking as I'm on SC and I believe this isn't the topic Poor Jokes.

Edited by Skanderbeg
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6 hours ago, Skanderbeg said:

Salam, 

First of all I'm not Rambo. I'm kinda tall but not a muscleman neither a skinnyboy and I don't like to fight.

But when I'm with my family (wife and kids) in a waiting room at a bus station and I get something to eat and come back seeing a dude (morrocan or arab)  sitting not far from my wife and I am going to sit between them (he was making room for me) and after that he keeps on staring all the time at my wife, me and my kids ..

Then is it an abnormal reaction that you're becoming Abu Jihad, upset and then to ask the dude : What you're looking at man?!

Or was it better to just keep silent?

How should a real Shi'a respond and deal with such situations?



 

you could ask your wife to move in a place from where that man couldnt see her or you could just come in a position from where that man wouldnt be able to her . this will probably give the man a hint that your not comfortable with him looking towards this direction . 

and an advice for the long run

bodybuilding actually helps 

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I'm the guy who says "Hi" at the first sign. Yes, it puts people off their game when you speak to them. Got to remember that everyone is different, maybe your fly was down. Maybe he didn't see anything else to look at. Maybe he saw something in your life he can't have. If you gave opportunity you might have found out what his trouble was. 

A cold stare doesn't do anything to someone who also has a cold stare. If he was watching you while you were eating you could always ask if he was hungry. If he says yes, it gives opportunity for a good deed. If he says no then you could say you misunderstood his staring. That leaves him to explain. Chances are he stops talking and looks at the floor. 

If he looked at your shirt, ask if he likes it and tell him where you got it. If he doesn't respond positively to that then say you misunderstood his staring. If he's looking at your wife, then tell him where she shops... Oh, sorry, I misunderstood your staring...

It doesn't much matter what you ask him as long as you misunderstood his staring.

Yeah, we all know what he was staring at. If you have a beautiful wife and family, expect it.

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8 minutes ago, Son of Placid said:

I'm the guy who says "Hi" at the first sign. Yes, it puts people off their game when you speak to them. Got to remember that everyone is different, maybe your fly was down. Maybe he didn't see anything else to look at. Maybe he saw something in your life he can't have. If you gave opportunity you might have found out what his trouble was. 

A cold stare doesn't do anything to someone who also has a cold stare. If he was watching you while you were eating you could always ask if he was hungry. If he says yes, it gives opportunity for a good deed. If he says no then you could say you misunderstood his staring. That leaves him to explain. Chances are he stops talking and looks at the floor. 

If he looked at your shirt, ask if he likes it and tell him where you got it. If he doesn't respond positively to that then say you misunderstood his staring. If he's looking at your wife, then tell him where she shops... Oh, sorry, I misunderstood your staring...

It doesn't much matter what you ask him as long as you misunderstood his staring.

Yeah, we all know what he was staring at. If you have a beautiful wife and family, expect it.

I like your approach! :)

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I am surrounded by modestly dressed beautiful women in my family and I know guys still can't help themselves. I just bring it to their attention in an unexpected way.  It saves me the confrontation and negative vibes while addressing the issue. I think it helps that I could care less what people think of me. If you think I am dumb because I misunderstood, then you have something else to think about while I smile/stare at you. if you think I'm crazy, go ahead, it's time to find another seat.

 

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