Family and Life

[Sad_Arab_Rose]

I have a friend who doesn't like living with her family because they are tempered and always start trouble with her for the smallest thing. They always curse and disrespect her and the parents fight 24/7. Also they really dislike her because she has an older sister that made some mistakes so she gets judged for it by her family and the Muslim community in her city. She is really sick of the drama so she doesn't know what to do anymore. But she thinks if she moves out she will be more religious and good, what advice would u give to someone in her position? Thanks!

[zainabamy]

Assalam aleikum,

How old is this friend? And would she be able to find a place to live? 

If she is able to move out then it may be the best thing for her as it sounds as if she's in a really toxic household. 

[Sad_Arab_Rose]

Thanks habibti. Shes 20 and she doesnt really have any place to go or any family or friends to help her. Do you think faking a marriage is a good idea for her? 

[Bakir]

Falsehood is exactly what she doesn't need. But she seems attached to it to justify her own desire or right for freedom. She should start by acknowledging there is absolutely no need to justify it. It is her right to say "enough" and work towards building her own life. Nobody can be sure if that will make her more "good and religious"... but is that the goal right now? Does it matter to be "good and religious" when you are not free in the first place?

The same way there is no sin in bad when you have no election, there is no virtue in good when you lack freedom. So it's better to start working in that word choice, because if it was me, I would immediately judge it as fake empty words, and analyze her justifications as a cry for freedom. I would prefer honesty over unnecessary justifications, and probably she would benefit a lot if she acknowledged it to herself.

[notme]

She should first get a job, then save some money and move out.

[Sad_Arab_Rose]

Justify what? What the hell u talking about she "desires" freedom? She only wants to be treated as a human she isnt asking for much in life. And yes ur right maybe she can still work on being religious while shes still living with them but if you actually knew her position and surrounding then u would understand why she "desires" to move out. "Cry for freedom" more like a cry to get away from tempered psycho arab men 

[Sad_Arab_Rose]

@notme Yes she is currently working on doing that but once she secure enough to leave shes afraid on how to go about it like should she talk to a shiek?

[Bakir]

What is a sheykh going to do anyway? Bless her? XD she has to take her own decisions, come on.

[notme]

4 hours ago, Sad_Arab_Rose said:

@notme Yes she is currently working on doing that but once she secure enough to leave shes afraid on how to go about it like should she talk to a shiek?

What, you mean like divorce her parents? No, I think she's just going to have to make the decision, then do it. It will be difficult, but in the long run things will be better. If her family really is awful, it will be best to get away from them, and if they just are normal people and she is having normal troubles with them the relationship will improve with some distance. 

I suppose it also depends on where she lives. My perspective is that of a woman who lives in the United States where it's normal for young adult men and women to move out on their own. In some parts of the world it's not safe for a woman to live alone.

[Chaotic Muslem]

On February 24, 2016 at 7:28 AM, Sad_Arab_Rose said:

I have a friend who doesn't like living with her family because they are tempered and always start trouble with her for the smallest thing. They always curse and disrespect her and the parents fight 24/7. Also they really dislike her because she has an older sister that made some mistakes so she gets judged for it by her family and the Muslim community in her city. She is really sick of the drama so she doesn't know what to do anymore. But she thinks if she moves out she will be more religious and good, what advice would u give to someone in her position? Thanks!

She has to sit and analyse this calmly.

No one is perfect, not her nor her parents, all is flawed. She has to sit and think of her own future, dose sh need to end up with fate like her sister? Dose she want to end in fate like her parents?

It is known that those who come from abusive family ends up in abusive relationship. The reason is that they dont grow up balanced emotional intelligence. 

She wants to be religious? That's something she can do on her prayer mat in the seclusion of her own room. Is she going non religious just to revenge from her parents and their ongoing picking up on her? Not the smartest move.

How exactly are her parents picking up on her? Dose she wear improper hijab when walking to street? Dose she put flashy make up? Dose she smoke or hang around gang style people? Dose she befriend boys?

If the elder sister done something wrong, it is naturally that parents will blame each other. It is a major trauma to a parent to lose their children by means of losing them physically or watching them slip into paths that lead only to self destruction.

Some parents came from abusive family which is why they are themselves not emotionally intelligent enough, and guess what, some smart children can teach their parents new ways to deal with troubles without making them feel like they are being educated by their children.

[Sad_Arab_Rose]

Yes ur right she can start by being more religious now. Yes she wearshijab properly and yes she dresses modestly. She doesn't wear makeup, no "gang" friends lol, she hasnt even given her number out to a boy before so dont worry about boys being her problem. Her parents are just extra strict- but at the same time not religious lol. I dont understand it, but anyways let me give u an example. Lets say her dad is cursing her mom out. She will feel the need to stand up for her mom, but even when she does that then her mom will literally go against her and call her a [Edited Out] for days on end, simply for being a girl and speaking back. Im not even kidding u, the smallest thing ticks her parents off its INSANE. She is considered a "rebel" for the smallest things..you have no idea. I swear she is really trustful and she has had PLENTY opportunities to do things behind her parents back but she chooses not to. So whats up with this extremity from her parents when shes 20 for gods sakes and she was raised fine! Also, her parents are always calling her a [Edited Out] for her older sisters mistakes, and basically my friend just wants to move out and start a new life in a new city or something because what is she gonna do if her family shuns her for being a girl, and when society(yes even americans ) is constantly judging her by her sisters past? Who can she turn to for advice if literally every1 in this damn city is always judging her without even knowing her? Like I said, ur right she can be more relgious at home first. But that isnt gonna change her mind, shes gonna leave sooner or later because her family is like a cancer. seriously another thing whats up with her mom always calling her a "shaytana" or a [Edited Out] for listening to music, LIKE HELLO THEY DO WAYYYYYYYYY worse sins OMG and they are focused on her "music:" unbelievable, like her mom will legit call her a [Edited Out] or curse her out, WHILE PRAYING ON THE PRAYER MAT!!!! OR WHILST READING THE QURAN!!!!! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THIS HYPOCRITICAL AND INSANE? I understand the need to "call" someone to prayer but "cursing " them to prayer makes them want to NEVER PRAY AT ALL. 

[Chaotic Muslem]

XD sounds like a hell of a family. Meh, just ignore them both and answer them with yes and nn and let them enjoy cursing each other.

I can imagine how much stressful the situation is, just let her not make a hasty decisions and certainly not to leave the house. There are who are working three jobs to be able to afford a roof above them, it is not easy .