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In the Name of God بسم الله

How to Improve Relationship with Mother?

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I am the youngest of four girls, and there's an 11 year gap between me and my sisters - the oldest is in her early thirties and I'm in my early 20s. We all have a different relationship with our mother, but I think I have the most strained one. 

My mother is known to have anger management problems. She will snap and get mad at anything if she is in a bad mood, and she is a very rushed and anxious person. She even takes medication for this. She's like this with me and my sisters, but especially with me because I've been the only one at home for the past 5-10 years, as all of my sisters are married and have moved away.


I hoped this time together would bring us closer (we weren't close before either,) but it hasn't. She takes out most of her frustration on me, and I take my frustrations out on her too. I have been in college the past few years and have been very very stressed. It gets worse when my mom acts harshly, which makes me more likely to take out my frustrations on her too.

I feel that my mom doesn't know anything about me as a person, and she doesn't care to know either. When I try to sincerely talk to her, she brushes it off. And when I try to talk to her about the problems in our relationship, she gets mad at me for bringing it up and says that it'll ruin our relationship (I think not communicating will ruin our relationship more.) 

So our relationship is this: we don't talk much, she is a vey irritable person, I've become irritable too, she doesn't know much about me, and we don't communicate much even though we live under the same roof.

I always compare our relationship to her relationship with my sisters, and her relationship with them is 100 times better. It makes me sad, but when I bring that up to her she gets very mad at me for making a comparison between myself and my sisters (though I think she's the one making the comparison in the first place.)

Does anyone have advice on how to fix our relationship please?

Thank you and Salaam.

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I used to have a pretty poor relation with my mother as well. One of the things I found was that we didn't talk together very well, mostly because we both lacked something to discuss that we had in common. Like you said, it is hard to 'get to know' a person who won't talk to you about special things in their life, and it rubs off on you.

One of the best things I ever did to fix this was do things with my mom that did not involve discussion. I don't mean being mute, but just required a bare minimum of communication. I helped her cook things, or we'd sit down to watch tv or a movie together. Spending time with each other will make you two more comfortable, and you won't have to take much of a risk of saying something that sets her off.

Before I knew it, my mom and I were actually discussing the shows we watched, or we'd have more conversation while cooking than just "can you chop up the salad, thanks."

Soon enough, my mom and I were making conversation about things that did not directly relate to what we were doing. Another thing is this, if you're at college or away from home, just call home. Even if she does not answer the phone, leave a message that lets her know how you are doing. Even simple things like "I got my test back today, got a B on it" and just filling her in on your life will help. She's a parent, and all parents love to know the successes of their children.

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Salam, ASyeda. You did not mention your father and I'm wondering about that. I agree with the previous member, that communication is important. Be together and talk about things that don't cause stress. Let her know that she is important to you and you need to talk to her. When was the last time you hugged your mother or held her hand? If you haven't done this for a long time, she might be feeling unloved. If you are feeling unloved, it would be good for you to reach out to her. The two of you need time to be together and talk. 

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