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Soldiers and Saffron

Mothers finding spouses

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Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

Alternatively, what do you consider a good halal option to this way of going on about it?

 

My personal opinion is that this is the optimal way of finding a spouse, "Islamically" speaking. In my opinion this is first and foremost something good for the women because a man who has his family involved will be less likely to not be serious and/or have sinister thoughts. As an opposite example, if a man makes contact with a woman in private and talk, he can play her on her emotions and say what she wants to hear and follow it up with things like "Yeah let us just meet up a couple of times and then I will talk to your father" etc, etc, lying and dishonesty, etc.

 

What do you think about this? Lets discuss.

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salam

I was discussing about this issue just yesterday... Being played by a boy is 100 times much better than being hurt emotionally by his mother...Mothers can not find well-matched spouse .Qualities that mothers are looking for are most of the time illogical cuz they find no defect in their sons... They just can consider some skin-deep qualities.. like appearance n financial status..though in Islam the man should be supportive n breadwinner n it has been told  :

وَلاَ تُمَلِّکِ الْمَرْأَةَ مِنْ أَمْرِهَا مَا جَاوَزَ نَفْسَهَا، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ رَیْحَانَةٌ، لَیْسَتْ بِقَهْرَمَانَة

About appearance even they should be well-matched n mothers never care about this sort of things....n the qualities which are more important such as humanity, taqwa, educational status will be considered afterwards

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Ws,

Hmm, do you truly believe that?

If someones mother affects you emotionally, you can recover from that and move on. However a man playing you, might cause you problem that you cannot move on from but will follow you.

What do you think about the men that asks their mother to find them a spouse? Do you think it is more correct if you forget about the superficial ideas of the mother?

I do not believe all mothers are like that, for example: one day you will inshaAllah be a mother and I do not think you will do that which others has done to you.  For what it is worth, I am sorry for the things that they might have said to you directly and/or indirectly.

The way I see it is that women know women best, that is why ones mother might see and understand things that her son might not.

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17 minutes ago, Semiramis said:

Qualities that mothers are looking for are most of the time illogical cuz they find no defect in their sons... They just can consider some skin-deep qualities.. like appearance n financial status

I agree 

I've seen it too often happening in Pakistani families

Pakistani mothers miss out on great women because of silly things - their caste/appearance/social or economic status (some of the ones ive seen:one girl is a shade too dark-another one's family cannot give her all the dowry the boy's family demands -another isn't a "full blooded syed"-this one is urdu speaking while our family is punjabi and so on) 

This leads to sisters who are being denied (for reasons that are often withheld from them) developing a sense of inferiority and self esteem issues 

Often the women they pick are ill suited for their sons because they only look for superficial qualities as well

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4 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

I have never heard of a women giving dowry to a man?! Am I missing something? This is unheard of.

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9 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Ws,

Hmm, do you truly believe that?

If someones mother affects you emotionally, you can recover from that and move on. However a man playing you, might cause you problem that you cannot move on from but will follow you.

What do you think about the men that asks their mother to find them a spouse? Do you think it is more correct if you forget about the superficial ideas of the mother?

I do not believe all mothers are like that, for example: one day you will inshaAllah be a mother and I do not think you will do that which others has done to you.  For what it is worth, I am sorry for the things that they might have said to you directly and/or indirectly.

The way I see it is that women know women best, that is why ones mother might see and understand things that her son might not.

I think we shouln't be one-sided when a relationship isn't working the both people will be hurt :/ Boys also can be played in a relationship... Being played is actually her choice but being hurt emotionally Bcuz of apearance is something different...Alhamdolellah I havn't had this experience but when my friends talk about cosmetic surgeries It drives me crazy... Anyway my friends say this kind of boys are incapable but I think they're too shy or too religious...

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9 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

Lol :D It's the first time that I heard men must give dowry.... I feel abused ......

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5 minutes ago, Semiramis said:

I think we shouln't be one-sided when a relationship isn't working the both people will be hurt :/ Boys also can be played in a relationship... Being played is actually her choice but being hurt emotionally Bcuz of apearance is something different...Alhamdolellah I havn't had this experience but when my friends talk about cosmetic surgeries It drives me crazy... Anyway my friends say this kind of boys are incapable but I think they're too shy or too religious...

Hmm, that is true men can also be played, most commonly for their money.

Lets make an example of a women that got played by a man, as to illustrate my point. Lets say she had never been married before, was about 27 years old, got in touch with a muslim guy, the guy played her emotions, etc, etc, one thing led to another, she was virgin, now they were in a mutah without her fathers permission, because "oh we are not going to do stuff", later on they get intimate with the intention of not going all the way, the guy goes all the way anyways against her will, now she resents him, he says he recorded it and will show it to her father, that she belongs to him and that no one will want to marry her now, etc, etc. She breaks contact after many ifs and buts, he lied about the recording, she suffers mentally, pain and emotional scars, now 33 years old and unmarried.

Now what can someones mother tell you that will cause equal or greater damage than that?

 

Hmm, your friends say that the men who wants their mother to find them a wife are incapable? It is interesting that you think that such a man might be shy or "too religious", can you further explain what you mean by that? Like what makes you come to those conclusions?

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4 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, that is true men can also be played, most commonly for their money.

Lets make an example of a women that got played by a man, as to illustrate my point. Lets say she had never been married before, was about 27 years old, got in touch with a muslim guy, the guy played her emotions, etc, etc, one thing led to another, she was virgin, now they were in a mutah without her fathers permission, because "oh we are not going to do stuff", later on they get intimate with the intention of not going all the way, the guy goes all the way anyways against her will, now she resents him, he says he recorded it and will show it to her father, that she belongs to him and that no one will want to marry her now, etc, etc. She breaks contact after many ifs and buts, he lied about the recording, she suffers mentally, pain and emotional scars, now 33 years old and unmarried.

Now what can someones mother tell you that will cause equal or greater damage than that?

 

Hmm, your friends say that the men who wants their mother to find them a wife are incapable? It is interesting that you think that such a man might be shy or "too religious", can you further explain what you mean by that? Like what makes you come to those conclusions?

against her will??? Is it possible to sleep with someone unconsciously??? My friends think this guys are not even capable of finding the right girl themseleves but I think they're too timide n religious that they couldn't attract a girl in university at work etc ... Actually cultures r different may in the other countries it's not like that :? Here the culture is an Americanized version of Iranian culture... non-traditional relationships n traditional ceremonies...

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1 hour ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

Edited by Marbles

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12 minutes ago, Marbles said:

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

In Iran is the same thing... but we've got an irritating funny expresssion : who has given mehr n who has taken it???? :/

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31 minutes ago, Marbles said:

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

-.-

Someone really should start a rally to correct the marriage disasters we have in the Muslim world.

1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

Lol :D It's the first time that I heard men must give dowry.... I feel abused ......

Mahr is a fundamental thing to proper and legal islamic marriage, It can be as little as dollar or as much as trillion. There are no limits but there is ts necessity to be given, else the marriage is not properly islamic.

No need to lol, i did not make the laws, I am just stating what's the law.

6 hours ago, IbnSina said:

ejROkIg.png

 

Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

Alternatively, what do you consider a good halal option to this way of going on about it?

 

My personal opinion is that this is the optimal way of finding a spouse, "Islamically" speaking. In my opinion this is first and foremost something good for the women because a man who has his family involved will be less likely to not be serious and/or have sinister thoughts. As an opposite example, if a man makes contact with a woman in private and talk, he can play her on her emotions and say what she wants to hear and follow it up with things like "Yeah let us just meet up a couple of times and then I will talk to your father" etc, etc, lying and dishonesty, etc.

 

What do you think about this? Lets discuss.

Wa alaykum assalam.

There is , islamically speaking, no such obligation to make the mother the one who look for a man. There is no prohibition in islam for a man to seek a woman directly nor for a woman to seek the man directly. It is part of halal talk given it s devoid of flirting ( just be technical : I  want to marry you). 

But cultures sometimes forces themselves. Cultures are not fixed and sacred and can change with time. As long as you are looking for believing woman, the means to reach her should all be fine as long as they are halal.

Regarding my opinion lol 

Man.. when i hear my mom speaking about potential brides to my brothers, me and my sisters are like : if these are prerequisites , by the izza of Allah we will never get married LOL 

tall or short or fat or too thin, long or short hair, thick hair curly hair black white , talk too much, talk too little, chick, shabby her father is this her father is that, her seventh grandfather had a genetic disease , her 11th grandmother was not good XD

better that NSA profiling.

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1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

against her will??? Is it possible to sleep with someone unconsciously??? My friends think this guys are not even capable of finding the right girl themseleves but I think they're too timide n religious that they couldn't attract a girl in university at work etc ... Actually cultures r different may in the other countries it's not like that :? Here the culture is an Americanized version of Iranian culture... non-traditional relationships n traditional ceremonies...

Hmm, in the example, they agreed to sleep with each other but not that she would lose her virginity.

When you say they are "too religious" what do you mean? What is your definition of too religious? I understand what you mean about the americanized version, Teheran is really awful in that sense. 

@Marbles

Thank you for the info Marbles, come to think of it, there is such a thing in Iran as well. From my understanding the mans family pays for the wedding and the woman family pays for the furniture and household items. I think on a idea stage it is a beautiful idea because it is ment to ease the start of the newly weds life, however much like many good things they are misused sadly.

Edited by IbnSina

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23 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, in the example, they agreed to sleep with each other but not that she would lose her virginity.

When you say they are "too religious" what do you mean? What is your definition of too religious? I understand what you mean about the americanized version, Teheran is really awful in that sense. 

@Marbles

Thank you for the info Marbles, come to think of it, there is such a thing in Iran as well. From my understanding the mans family pays for the wedding and the woman family pays for the furniture and household items. I think on a idea stage it is a beautiful idea because it is ment to ease the start of the newly weds life, however much like many good things they are misused sadly.

I actually blame that girl...... First for not having father's permission to get married n second for not being sober.

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

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1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

I actually blame that girl...... First for not having father's permission to get married n second for not being sober.

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

Girls drink in Iran? :shock:

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I like the the route mentioned in the Op, because like the points mentioned above, it can prevent abuse, and is more of a sure-fire way to ease the process since both families are involved from the beginning. But that is just one route, and too limiting. 

 I think that when it comes to marriage, all options should be on the table--but that the stipulation of involving the families from the beginning--should be there.

So, if someone sees someone at uni (for example), or at a Muslim event for youth, or friend of a friend, or sister of a friend, or whatever the case may be....where you see someone that seems like they may be a good match--you can approach them--as long it's done in a respectful manner for both parties.

Kheyr Inshallah.

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2 hours ago, John Al-Ameli said:

I dont trust my mother in buying me a shirt of her taste, how would I tell her find me a wife?

That might be true, but most guys need a female relative to help in the marriage process. A mother, auntie, sister or cousin might be able to go where he cannot go, and that is to see her clothes closet. How much does she spend on clothes? How many pairs of shoes does she have? If she has enough purses already but has a fetish for new ones, can he afford to marry her? Does she wear fashion jewelry or does she expect only fine jewelry for every gifting occasion? Only female relatives can get you that information. :shifty:

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43 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

That might be true, but most guys need a female relative to help in the marriage process. A mother, auntie, sister or cousin might be able to go where he cannot go, and that is to see her clothes closet. How much does she spend on clothes? How many pairs of shoes does she have? If she has enough purses already but has a fetish for new ones, can he afford to marry her? Does she wear fashion jewelry or does she expect only fine jewelry for every gifting occasion? Only female relatives can get you that information. :shifty:

traditionally, men of the family were more important than the women. A man takes his men relatives and go to the gathering of the girl men family and propose publicly . It is like : Would you honour me with your daughter hand! and the father will be like :It is my honour.

Sometimes it goes the other way around, the father of the girl will ask the young man if he wants to marry his daughter!

It used to be something that test the man worth in community.

 

Today it is something that test the man's bank account and the woman's barbie characterXD Which is why the shift from men proposing to women proposing process ( i mean the female relatives).

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7 hours ago, Semiramis said:

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

لا تحکموا علی الرجل بشیء حتّی تنظروا الی من یصاحب فإنّما یعرف الرجل بأشکاله وأقرانه وینسب إلی أصحابه

People are known through their friends. It's not just an Irani thing. It's an Islamic principle as well. 

We can't hang out with such individuals you described and at the same time expect others to regard us as religious and if they don't put the blame on them.

Praying, fasting, reading duas every day all are good indeed, but these are not sufficient, rather these are necessities.

And also Chador is the best means (not the only means of course) to preserve the hijab the way Islam want us to do. Why do you think chador is merely an Iranian/Persian thing?

To the OP, dadashe gholam, @IbnSina;

Since mothers and also sisters are in contact with girls, they have a better chance to know them better than us in some cases and it can be a useful approach, although it's not the only one. Even if mothers don't think the same as their sons, they know how their sons think. So they will try to find someone in accordance with their sons' will.

Generally speaking, I think others, whether mothers and or everybody else, have duty to pave the ground for marriage of two persons to happen. Boys and girls may refuse to get married for various reasons such as shyness, not being able financially and so on. But others can have influence here.

There may have been cases in which marriage could have taken place by others' intervention, but as they refused, it didn't happen.

Edited by kamyar

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5 hours ago, Sumayyeh said:

I like the the route mentioned in the Op, because like the points mentioned above, it can prevent abuse, and is more of a sure-fire way to ease the process since both families are involved from the beginning. But that is just one route, and too limiting. 

 I think that when it comes to marriage, all options should be on the table--but that the stipulation of involving the families from the beginning--should be there.

So, if someone sees someone at uni (for example), or at a Muslim event for youth, or friend of a friend, or sister of a friend, or whatever the case may be....where you see someone that seems like they may be a good match--you can approach them--as long it's done in a respectful manner for both parties.

Kheyr Inshallah.

Salam sister Sumayyeh,

In my opinion, both methods are good however, it is a bit tricky to talk directly to a girl (or a boy). This is especially the case when the person in question would be a quite religious individual. I approached and talked to a person in a respectful manner but it did not work. I didn't know her and neither did she. I am a bit confused, is it  islamically  not appropriate to talk to a non mahram in a respectable manner? Nevertheless, both methods are good in my opinion but I am slightly preferring picking your spouse yourself.  

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10 hours ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

( just be technical : I  want to marry you). 

Man.. when i hear my mom speaking about potential brides to my brothers, me and my sisters are like : if these are prerequisites , by the izza of Allah we will never get married LOL 

tall or short or fat or too thin, long or short hair, thick hair curly hair black white , talk too much, talk too little, chick, shabby her father is this her father is that, her seventh grandfather had a genetic disease , her 11th grandmother was not good XD

 

Also please figure out if the girl has any intention of this first lol 

LOL same here ... boys' mothers are way too picky (and in the end they complain about their daughter in laws anyway hahah)

 

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6 hours ago, John Al-Ameli said:

I dont trust my mother in buying me a shirt of her taste, how would I tell her find me a wife?

My mother gets me nice clothes but when it comes to a wife, no way. I want to pick who I spend the rest of my life with.

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19 hours ago, IbnSina said:

ejROkIg.png

 

Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

 

salams,

A few potential reasons come to mind:

- He trusts his mothers judgement

- He doubts his own ability to find a good match (there could be all kinds of reasons for this, including constraints on his time, lack of exposure to the opposite gender, negative previous experiences etc)

- He holds certain cultural views about the extent to which his family will be involved in his married life. Different cultures have different norms with regard to the boundaries between private/personal business and what is legitimate business for family/community to get involved in.

I dont see why it shouldnt be applicable any more. If it works for you and is accepted by those involved, why not?

 

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3 hours ago, Maysam22 said:

Salam sister Sumayyeh,

In my opinion, both methods are good however, it is a bit tricky to talk directly to a girl (or a boy). This is especially the case when the person in question would be a quite religious individual. I approached and talked to a person in a respectful manner but it did not work. I didn't know her and neither did she. I am a bit confused, is it  islamically  not appropriate to talk to a non mahram in a respectable manner? Nevertheless, both methods are good in my opinion but I am slightly preferring picking your spouse yourself.  

Salam Brother,

Inshallah kheyr, whatever is best will happen. Sorry if I should've clarified:

When I said to approach the person, I meant in whatever way would be most appropriate--which generally means through an intermediary person--this can alleviate awkwardness and gives assurance that the other person is interested as well before direct contact is initiated. 

Just as a reminder, we have the example of how the marriage took place between Hazrat Khadijah (r) and the Prophet (s)...

Also, if there's a concrete purpose and objective for speaking to a non-Mahram, and it's done respectfully observing Islamic moral codes, then there shouldn't be a problem...

Edited by Sumayyeh

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@Chaotic Muslem

Hmm, what you say is correct. However the correct, islamically speaking, way one can do this is not so applicable, perhaps because of the times we live in. For example, if you saw a hijabi woman outside the masjid and went up and said salam aleykum, she would either get really embarrassed and uncomfortable or look at you like you said the worst curse word on the planet "How dare you?!" or people looking at you two would start to presume all kinds of things.

Further more, islamically speaking, the womens family may only judge you on your iman and if you have good iman then they are not allowed to deny you, least you cannot supply for her at all, this is how I understood it. However, as we all know that is not the case either.

In my mind a women that respects her hijab is not a women that likes to be approached and chitchat with random men. 

In my mind a man that respects himself is not a man that goes around chitchatting with random women.

In my mind when a man that likes and respects a women, he goes straight to her father and introduces himself and is fully open with his intention, much like how you told us of how it used to be. Now is my mind strange or is the times we live in strange?

@Semiramis

Hmm, you say most of your friends are women that smoke, drink alcohol, go to parties and I am presuming they have boyfriends and do zina as well, furthermore you say they talk a lot about plastic surgery which leads me to think they are shallow as well.

Now, you might fast, pray, recite Quran, etc. But those are not things that the public see, you wear a hijab correct but so does every women outdoors in Iran. So when I see you among women that does such things as your friends, then I can only presume that you are like them as well. Much like how you would think that when you see 9 homeless people on the ground, you would presume the 10th one is homeless too even though he might actually live in a mansion. My point is pretty much what brother kamyar said.

You do not need to be without friends, you just need to find friends that are more like minded. People do affect each other whether we admit it or not. Furthermore there is halal music as well, a song that sings about haram stuff is obviously not something you would want to listen to because music has a way of affecting you subconsciously.

Do you understand how I am thinking regarding this?

You never really answered my question, what do you mean when you say a man is "too religious" with regards to his approach to finding a spouse thru his mother?

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1 hour ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, what you say is correct. However the correct, islamically speaking, way one can do this is not so applicable, perhaps because of the times we live in. For example, if you saw a hijabi woman outside the masjid and went up and said salam aleykum, she would either get really embarrassed and uncomfortable or look at you like you said the worst curse word on the planet "How dare you?!" or people looking at you two would start to presume all kinds of things.

 

XD

Of course, running after a woman outside masjid is a weirdo thing. And dont go around chitchating with everyone XD

There is a balance there and you seem to miss it. 

If you are in too much trouble, ask your mosque sheikh to help you find a local family who has daughter at age of marriage who are good folks.

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4 hours ago, Sumayyeh said:

Also, if there's a concrete purpose and objective for speaking to a non-Mahram, and it's done respectfully observing Islamic moral codes, then there shouldn't be a problem...

Sorry, remembered something else...

Also, there shouldn't be "khalwah" (i.e. privacy / private setting ) type of scenario between the non-Mahram. 

رسول خدا (صلى الله علیه و آله ) مى فرماید : هرگز مردى با زنى خلوت نکند ؛ چرا که نفر سوم ، خودِ شیطان خواهد بود

Prophet (s): Never should a man be in a private setting with a woman, because the third present is Shaytan himself.

source:  مستدرک الوسائل ، ج ۱۴ ، ص ۲۶۵: 
Mustadrak al-Wasa'il , volume 14, page 265 

http://313fadaii.blog.ir/

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I'm married already and I let my mother choose my spouse - it's been a horrible experience and from what I've learnt, I am not going to look for wives for my sons. No way that's going to happen. They'll just have to put in the effort and find someone by themselves. Of course I'd like to give my opinion but that's the only thing I'll do - no forcing them to marry someone or make them follow my choice. 

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@Sumayyeh

Hmm, what do you think about men that do not approach women on their own? The ones that go thru their mothers?

When we talk in terms of risk of haram, what do you think is the best option?

 

@John Al-Ameli @Gaius I. Caesar

I am not talking about forced marriage here, even if your mother presents a potential spouse to you, that does not mean that you cannot decline. As I said before, I believe women know women better than men know women, just like I believe men know men better than they know women, because a man is a man and a woman is a woman.

I can only speak for myself and If I were to approach a women that I find very attractive and start talking to hear, I might start to hear what I want to hear and see what I want to see. If I were to ever approach someone randomly like that, it would surely be based on her physical appearance as I have nothing ells to go on. Furthermore, I would know that the only reason I started conversation with her is because I find here physically attractive and that would make me feel shallow. Perhaps I am too self aware or perhaps I am honest with myself.

Therefore I believe it is better to get to know someone to a certain level before the looks come into action because you can make a better judgement, if your mother was to present someone to you, she will be able to tell information about her before you get to see her. At least this is the way I see it.

 

@Ruq

The points you mention, do you consider them positive things or negative things and if so, why?

 

@Chaotic Muslem

Hmm, it was just an example but on the other hand the way I see it is that, if you want to find a shia women that takes her religion seriously then the probability is highest at/outside a shia mosque. Of course I would not bother someone like that as I expect that people go to the mosque for worship.

You see a balance that you claim that I cannot see, could you explain that balance to me and others then?

Furthermore we are not discussing my situation In particular but the idea and concept of mothers finding spouses. In fact I have been told that I am the most handsome and charming man ever by my mom, so obviously I dont have these kind of problems.

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16 hours ago, hameedeh said:

That might be true, but most guys need a female relative to help in the marriage process. A mother, auntie, sister or cousin might be able to go where he cannot go, and that is to see her clothes closet. How much does she spend on clothes? How many pairs of shoes does she have? If she has enough purses already but has a fetish for new ones, can he afford to marry her? Does she wear fashion jewelry or does she expect only fine jewelry for every gifting occasion? Only female relatives can get you that information. :shifty:

I dont think I will meet a girl, and the next day I will marry her.

With time, you can get to know a person. No need to send female relatives to get me the gossip about her. I do respect my mothers opinion on girls I would meet, but I mean for her to search for a spouse. Am I that desperate?

People who usually say after marriage "I was played and I was SHOCKED" they played themselves, and closed their eyes on a couple of things, and after marriage they realized they cannot handle the flaws they accepted.

Edited by John Al-Ameli

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