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In the Name of God بسم الله
IbnSina

Mothers finding spouses

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Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

Alternatively, what do you consider a good halal option to this way of going on about it?

 

My personal opinion is that this is the optimal way of finding a spouse, "Islamically" speaking. In my opinion this is first and foremost something good for the women because a man who has his family involved will be less likely to not be serious and/or have sinister thoughts. As an opposite example, if a man makes contact with a woman in private and talk, he can play her on her emotions and say what she wants to hear and follow it up with things like "Yeah let us just meet up a couple of times and then I will talk to your father" etc, etc, lying and dishonesty, etc.

 

What do you think about this? Lets discuss.

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salam

I was discussing about this issue just yesterday... Being played by a boy is 100 times much better than being hurt emotionally by his mother...Mothers can not find well-matched spouse .Qualities that mothers are looking for are most of the time illogical cuz they find no defect in their sons... They just can consider some skin-deep qualities.. like appearance n financial status..though in Islam the man should be supportive n breadwinner n it has been told  :

وَلاَ تُمَلِّکِ الْمَرْأَةَ مِنْ أَمْرِهَا مَا جَاوَزَ نَفْسَهَا، فَإِنَّ الْمَرْأَةَ رَیْحَانَةٌ، لَیْسَتْ بِقَهْرَمَانَة

About appearance even they should be well-matched n mothers never care about this sort of things....n the qualities which are more important such as humanity, taqwa, educational status will be considered afterwards

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Ws,

Hmm, do you truly believe that?

If someones mother affects you emotionally, you can recover from that and move on. However a man playing you, might cause you problem that you cannot move on from but will follow you.

What do you think about the men that asks their mother to find them a spouse? Do you think it is more correct if you forget about the superficial ideas of the mother?

I do not believe all mothers are like that, for example: one day you will inshaAllah be a mother and I do not think you will do that which others has done to you.  For what it is worth, I am sorry for the things that they might have said to you directly and/or indirectly.

The way I see it is that women know women best, that is why ones mother might see and understand things that her son might not.

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17 minutes ago, Semiramis said:

Qualities that mothers are looking for are most of the time illogical cuz they find no defect in their sons... They just can consider some skin-deep qualities.. like appearance n financial status

I agree 

I've seen it too often happening in Pakistani families

Pakistani mothers miss out on great women because of silly things - their caste/appearance/social or economic status (some of the ones ive seen:one girl is a shade too dark-another one's family cannot give her all the dowry the boy's family demands -another isn't a "full blooded syed"-this one is urdu speaking while our family is punjabi and so on) 

This leads to sisters who are being denied (for reasons that are often withheld from them) developing a sense of inferiority and self esteem issues 

Often the women they pick are ill suited for their sons because they only look for superficial qualities as well

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4 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

I have never heard of a women giving dowry to a man?! Am I missing something? This is unheard of.

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9 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Ws,

Hmm, do you truly believe that?

If someones mother affects you emotionally, you can recover from that and move on. However a man playing you, might cause you problem that you cannot move on from but will follow you.

What do you think about the men that asks their mother to find them a spouse? Do you think it is more correct if you forget about the superficial ideas of the mother?

I do not believe all mothers are like that, for example: one day you will inshaAllah be a mother and I do not think you will do that which others has done to you.  For what it is worth, I am sorry for the things that they might have said to you directly and/or indirectly.

The way I see it is that women know women best, that is why ones mother might see and understand things that her son might not.

I think we shouln't be one-sided when a relationship isn't working the both people will be hurt :/ Boys also can be played in a relationship... Being played is actually her choice but being hurt emotionally Bcuz of apearance is something different...Alhamdolellah I havn't had this experience but when my friends talk about cosmetic surgeries It drives me crazy... Anyway my friends say this kind of boys are incapable but I think they're too shy or too religious...

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9 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

Lol :D It's the first time that I heard men must give dowry.... I feel abused ......

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5 minutes ago, Semiramis said:

I think we shouln't be one-sided when a relationship isn't working the both people will be hurt :/ Boys also can be played in a relationship... Being played is actually her choice but being hurt emotionally Bcuz of apearance is something different...Alhamdolellah I havn't had this experience but when my friends talk about cosmetic surgeries It drives me crazy... Anyway my friends say this kind of boys are incapable but I think they're too shy or too religious...

Hmm, that is true men can also be played, most commonly for their money.

Lets make an example of a women that got played by a man, as to illustrate my point. Lets say she had never been married before, was about 27 years old, got in touch with a muslim guy, the guy played her emotions, etc, etc, one thing led to another, she was virgin, now they were in a mutah without her fathers permission, because "oh we are not going to do stuff", later on they get intimate with the intention of not going all the way, the guy goes all the way anyways against her will, now she resents him, he says he recorded it and will show it to her father, that she belongs to him and that no one will want to marry her now, etc, etc. She breaks contact after many ifs and buts, he lied about the recording, she suffers mentally, pain and emotional scars, now 33 years old and unmarried.

Now what can someones mother tell you that will cause equal or greater damage than that?

 

Hmm, your friends say that the men who wants their mother to find them a wife are incapable? It is interesting that you think that such a man might be shy or "too religious", can you further explain what you mean by that? Like what makes you come to those conclusions?

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4 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, that is true men can also be played, most commonly for their money.

Lets make an example of a women that got played by a man, as to illustrate my point. Lets say she had never been married before, was about 27 years old, got in touch with a muslim guy, the guy played her emotions, etc, etc, one thing led to another, she was virgin, now they were in a mutah without her fathers permission, because "oh we are not going to do stuff", later on they get intimate with the intention of not going all the way, the guy goes all the way anyways against her will, now she resents him, he says he recorded it and will show it to her father, that she belongs to him and that no one will want to marry her now, etc, etc. She breaks contact after many ifs and buts, he lied about the recording, she suffers mentally, pain and emotional scars, now 33 years old and unmarried.

Now what can someones mother tell you that will cause equal or greater damage than that?

 

Hmm, your friends say that the men who wants their mother to find them a wife are incapable? It is interesting that you think that such a man might be shy or "too religious", can you further explain what you mean by that? Like what makes you come to those conclusions?

against her will??? Is it possible to sleep with someone unconsciously??? My friends think this guys are not even capable of finding the right girl themseleves but I think they're too timide n religious that they couldn't attract a girl in university at work etc ... Actually cultures r different may in the other countries it's not like that :? Here the culture is an Americanized version of Iranian culture... non-traditional relationships n traditional ceremonies...

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1 hour ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

This!

This should stop because this is so pagan not islamic !

Man gives dowry to woman else she is not halal for him. NOT HALAL!

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

Edited by Marbles

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12 minutes ago, Marbles said:

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

In Iran is the same thing... but we've got an irritating funny expresssion : who has given mehr n who has taken it???? :/

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31 minutes ago, Marbles said:

Mahr and dowry are not synonymous with the Pakistanis. Dowry is a translation of jahez, which is a massive gift bonanza that bride's family gives her. It includes jewelry sets, cloths, bed, A/Cs, refrigerators, sofa sets, cutlery - basically everything a household needs. The bigger the dowry the more desirable a proposal. It is expected that brides would bring some things if not everything. This is absolutely terrible; it shouldn't be so; brides shouldn't be expected to bring anything besides personal gifts from their families.

This is separate from mahr which is stipulated in the nikah contract and which the man gives to the woman.

Edit: @IbnSina and @Semiramis

-.-

Someone really should start a rally to correct the marriage disasters we have in the Muslim world.

1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

Lol :D It's the first time that I heard men must give dowry.... I feel abused ......

Mahr is a fundamental thing to proper and legal islamic marriage, It can be as little as dollar or as much as trillion. There are no limits but there is ts necessity to be given, else the marriage is not properly islamic.

No need to lol, i did not make the laws, I am just stating what's the law.

6 hours ago, IbnSina said:

ejROkIg.png

 

Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

Alternatively, what do you consider a good halal option to this way of going on about it?

 

My personal opinion is that this is the optimal way of finding a spouse, "Islamically" speaking. In my opinion this is first and foremost something good for the women because a man who has his family involved will be less likely to not be serious and/or have sinister thoughts. As an opposite example, if a man makes contact with a woman in private and talk, he can play her on her emotions and say what she wants to hear and follow it up with things like "Yeah let us just meet up a couple of times and then I will talk to your father" etc, etc, lying and dishonesty, etc.

 

What do you think about this? Lets discuss.

Wa alaykum assalam.

There is , islamically speaking, no such obligation to make the mother the one who look for a man. There is no prohibition in islam for a man to seek a woman directly nor for a woman to seek the man directly. It is part of halal talk given it s devoid of flirting ( just be technical : I  want to marry you). 

But cultures sometimes forces themselves. Cultures are not fixed and sacred and can change with time. As long as you are looking for believing woman, the means to reach her should all be fine as long as they are halal.

Regarding my opinion lol 

Man.. when i hear my mom speaking about potential brides to my brothers, me and my sisters are like : if these are prerequisites , by the izza of Allah we will never get married LOL 

tall or short or fat or too thin, long or short hair, thick hair curly hair black white , talk too much, talk too little, chick, shabby her father is this her father is that, her seventh grandfather had a genetic disease , her 11th grandmother was not good XD

better that NSA profiling.

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1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

against her will??? Is it possible to sleep with someone unconsciously??? My friends think this guys are not even capable of finding the right girl themseleves but I think they're too timide n religious that they couldn't attract a girl in university at work etc ... Actually cultures r different may in the other countries it's not like that :? Here the culture is an Americanized version of Iranian culture... non-traditional relationships n traditional ceremonies...

Hmm, in the example, they agreed to sleep with each other but not that she would lose her virginity.

When you say they are "too religious" what do you mean? What is your definition of too religious? I understand what you mean about the americanized version, Teheran is really awful in that sense. 

@Marbles

Thank you for the info Marbles, come to think of it, there is such a thing in Iran as well. From my understanding the mans family pays for the wedding and the woman family pays for the furniture and household items. I think on a idea stage it is a beautiful idea because it is ment to ease the start of the newly weds life, however much like many good things they are misused sadly.

Edited by IbnSina

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23 minutes ago, IbnSina said:

Hmm, in the example, they agreed to sleep with each other but not that she would lose her virginity.

When you say they are "too religious" what do you mean? What is your definition of too religious? I understand what you mean about the americanized version, Teheran is really awful in that sense. 

@Marbles

Thank you for the info Marbles, come to think of it, there is such a thing in Iran as well. From my understanding the mans family pays for the wedding and the woman family pays for the furniture and household items. I think on a idea stage it is a beautiful idea because it is ment to ease the start of the newly weds life, however much like many good things they are misused sadly.

I actually blame that girl...... First for not having father's permission to get married n second for not being sober.

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

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