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In the Name of God بسم الله
IbnSina

Mothers finding spouses

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1 hour ago, Semiramis said:

I actually blame that girl...... First for not having father's permission to get married n second for not being sober.

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

Girls drink in Iran? :shock:

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I like the the route mentioned in the Op, because like the points mentioned above, it can prevent abuse, and is more of a sure-fire way to ease the process since both families are involved from the beginning. But that is just one route, and too limiting. 

 I think that when it comes to marriage, all options should be on the table--but that the stipulation of involving the families from the beginning--should be there.

So, if someone sees someone at uni (for example), or at a Muslim event for youth, or friend of a friend, or sister of a friend, or whatever the case may be....where you see someone that seems like they may be a good match--you can approach them--as long it's done in a respectful manner for both parties.

Kheyr Inshallah.

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2 hours ago, John Al-Ameli said:

I dont trust my mother in buying me a shirt of her taste, how would I tell her find me a wife?

That might be true, but most guys need a female relative to help in the marriage process. A mother, auntie, sister or cousin might be able to go where he cannot go, and that is to see her clothes closet. How much does she spend on clothes? How many pairs of shoes does she have? If she has enough purses already but has a fetish for new ones, can he afford to marry her? Does she wear fashion jewelry or does she expect only fine jewelry for every gifting occasion? Only female relatives can get you that information. :shifty:

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43 minutes ago, hameedeh said:

That might be true, but most guys need a female relative to help in the marriage process. A mother, auntie, sister or cousin might be able to go where he cannot go, and that is to see her clothes closet. How much does she spend on clothes? How many pairs of shoes does she have? If she has enough purses already but has a fetish for new ones, can he afford to marry her? Does she wear fashion jewelry or does she expect only fine jewelry for every gifting occasion? Only female relatives can get you that information. :shifty:

traditionally, men of the family were more important than the women. A man takes his men relatives and go to the gathering of the girl men family and propose publicly . It is like : Would you honour me with your daughter hand! and the father will be like :It is my honour.

Sometimes it goes the other way around, the father of the girl will ask the young man if he wants to marry his daughter!

It used to be something that test the man worth in community.

 

Today it is something that test the man's bank account and the woman's barbie characterXD Which is why the shift from men proposing to women proposing process ( i mean the female relatives).

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7 hours ago, Semiramis said:

I'll give you some examples ........ I pray, I fast, I wear hijab n sometimes I read Quran n all night I read Ziarat Ashura... Seems  I am religious but I'm not accepted as a religious girl by religious families... A religious family in Iran expects a girl to wear chador ( kind of traditional hijab in Ir from zoroaster era) , not listen to music, stop hanging out with friends specially non-religious ones. I can't tolerate this attitude. Most friends of mine smoke n it's terrible for religious family here... They drink but not in my presence cuz I never take part in their parties... But we've got fun together How can I cut off with them in order to get married?? How can I wear all in black while I don't like it????

لا تحکموا علی الرجل بشیء حتّی تنظروا الی من یصاحب فإنّما یعرف الرجل بأشکاله وأقرانه وینسب إلی أصحابه

People are known through their friends. It's not just an Irani thing. It's an Islamic principle as well. 

We can't hang out with such individuals you described and at the same time expect others to regard us as religious and if they don't put the blame on them.

Praying, fasting, reading duas every day all are good indeed, but these are not sufficient, rather these are necessities.

And also Chador is the best means (not the only means of course) to preserve the hijab the way Islam want us to do. Why do you think chador is merely an Iranian/Persian thing?

To the OP, dadashe gholam, @IbnSina;

Since mothers and also sisters are in contact with girls, they have a better chance to know them better than us in some cases and it can be a useful approach, although it's not the only one. Even if mothers don't think the same as their sons, they know how their sons think. So they will try to find someone in accordance with their sons' will.

Generally speaking, I think others, whether mothers and or everybody else, have duty to pave the ground for marriage of two persons to happen. Boys and girls may refuse to get married for various reasons such as shyness, not being able financially and so on. But others can have influence here.

There may have been cases in which marriage could have taken place by others' intervention, but as they refused, it didn't happen.

Edited by kamyar

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5 hours ago, Sumayyeh said:

I like the the route mentioned in the Op, because like the points mentioned above, it can prevent abuse, and is more of a sure-fire way to ease the process since both families are involved from the beginning. But that is just one route, and too limiting. 

 I think that when it comes to marriage, all options should be on the table--but that the stipulation of involving the families from the beginning--should be there.

So, if someone sees someone at uni (for example), or at a Muslim event for youth, or friend of a friend, or sister of a friend, or whatever the case may be....where you see someone that seems like they may be a good match--you can approach them--as long it's done in a respectful manner for both parties.

Kheyr Inshallah.

Salam sister Sumayyeh,

In my opinion, both methods are good however, it is a bit tricky to talk directly to a girl (or a boy). This is especially the case when the person in question would be a quite religious individual. I approached and talked to a person in a respectful manner but it did not work. I didn't know her and neither did she. I am a bit confused, is it  islamically  not appropriate to talk to a non mahram in a respectable manner? Nevertheless, both methods are good in my opinion but I am slightly preferring picking your spouse yourself.  

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10 hours ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

( just be technical : I  want to marry you). 

Man.. when i hear my mom speaking about potential brides to my brothers, me and my sisters are like : if these are prerequisites , by the izza of Allah we will never get married LOL 

tall or short or fat or too thin, long or short hair, thick hair curly hair black white , talk too much, talk too little, chick, shabby her father is this her father is that, her seventh grandfather had a genetic disease , her 11th grandmother was not good XD

 

Also please figure out if the girl has any intention of this first lol 

LOL same here ... boys' mothers are way too picky (and in the end they complain about their daughter in laws anyway hahah)

 

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6 hours ago, John Al-Ameli said:

I dont trust my mother in buying me a shirt of her taste, how would I tell her find me a wife?

My mother gets me nice clothes but when it comes to a wife, no way. I want to pick who I spend the rest of my life with.

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19 hours ago, IbnSina said:

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Salam Aleykum,

I was wondering, what do you guys think of mothers that find spouses for their sons?

Do you think it is a negative thing that a man wants his mother to find potential spouses for him or do you consider it something positive? What do you think it says about the man? Is this way of finding a spouse not appreciated/applicable anymore?

 

salams,

A few potential reasons come to mind:

- He trusts his mothers judgement

- He doubts his own ability to find a good match (there could be all kinds of reasons for this, including constraints on his time, lack of exposure to the opposite gender, negative previous experiences etc)

- He holds certain cultural views about the extent to which his family will be involved in his married life. Different cultures have different norms with regard to the boundaries between private/personal business and what is legitimate business for family/community to get involved in.

I dont see why it shouldnt be applicable any more. If it works for you and is accepted by those involved, why not?

 

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3 hours ago, Maysam22 said:

Salam sister Sumayyeh,

In my opinion, both methods are good however, it is a bit tricky to talk directly to a girl (or a boy). This is especially the case when the person in question would be a quite religious individual. I approached and talked to a person in a respectful manner but it did not work. I didn't know her and neither did she. I am a bit confused, is it  islamically  not appropriate to talk to a non mahram in a respectable manner? Nevertheless, both methods are good in my opinion but I am slightly preferring picking your spouse yourself.  

Salam Brother,

Inshallah kheyr, whatever is best will happen. Sorry if I should've clarified:

When I said to approach the person, I meant in whatever way would be most appropriate--which generally means through an intermediary person--this can alleviate awkwardness and gives assurance that the other person is interested as well before direct contact is initiated. 

Just as a reminder, we have the example of how the marriage took place between Hazrat Khadijah (r) and the Prophet (s)...

Also, if there's a concrete purpose and objective for speaking to a non-Mahram, and it's done respectfully observing Islamic moral codes, then there shouldn't be a problem...

Edited by Sumayyeh

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@Chaotic Muslem

Hmm, what you say is correct. However the correct, islamically speaking, way one can do this is not so applicable, perhaps because of the times we live in. For example, if you saw a hijabi woman outside the masjid and went up and said salam aleykum, she would either get really embarrassed and uncomfortable or look at you like you said the worst curse word on the planet "How dare you?!" or people looking at you two would start to presume all kinds of things.

Further more, islamically speaking, the womens family may only judge you on your iman and if you have good iman then they are not allowed to deny you, least you cannot supply for her at all, this is how I understood it. However, as we all know that is not the case either.

In my mind a women that respects her hijab is not a women that likes to be approached and chitchat with random men. 

In my mind a man that respects himself is not a man that goes around chitchatting with random women.

In my mind when a man that likes and respects a women, he goes straight to her father and introduces himself and is fully open with his intention, much like how you told us of how it used to be. Now is my mind strange or is the times we live in strange?

@Semiramis

Hmm, you say most of your friends are women that smoke, drink alcohol, go to parties and I am presuming they have boyfriends and do zina as well, furthermore you say they talk a lot about plastic surgery which leads me to think they are shallow as well.

Now, you might fast, pray, recite Quran, etc. But those are not things that the public see, you wear a hijab correct but so does every women outdoors in Iran. So when I see you among women that does such things as your friends, then I can only presume that you are like them as well. Much like how you would think that when you see 9 homeless people on the ground, you would presume the 10th one is homeless too even though he might actually live in a mansion. My point is pretty much what brother kamyar said.

You do not need to be without friends, you just need to find friends that are more like minded. People do affect each other whether we admit it or not. Furthermore there is halal music as well, a song that sings about haram stuff is obviously not something you would want to listen to because music has a way of affecting you subconsciously.

Do you understand how I am thinking regarding this?

You never really answered my question, what do you mean when you say a man is "too religious" with regards to his approach to finding a spouse thru his mother?

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