Marriage Problems

[hawrsh123]

Hey guys, so I'm having some marriage issues and I'd like to get some other peoples opinions on this. I'm sorry theres a lot of details but it would mean alot if you could read them.

First off, I got engaged in Iraq and I bought my husband to America. We live with my parents. The first couple of months were hard but alhamdulilah we got through them. We both fell in love with each other and things were great. He would help out with the bills and everything like that. Anything I would  need to buy, he would buy for me. Our marriage was good literally up until the point where we decided to visit Iraq and see his family after a year of marriage. We went to Iraq and everything went down hill. First off, his mom is an amazing liar and manipulator. My problem is, my husband loves his mom to literal death. And theres nothing wrong with that but no matter how wrong she is, he will always  be on her side and whatever she wants him to do, he will do it. When I went to Iraq, I saw his true colors. In his family, if you put down the wife it's considered manly which makes no sense because his mom is the queen in their house. Shouldn't they be treating their wives like queens too? No. She encourages them to not spoil their wives, and to not be romantic with them because according to her this will give the wife confidence and will make her spoiled. Their mom is literally never in the house she's always out and they never ask where she is but when their wives want to go somewhere they don't allow them. What really made me mad was the fact that my husband was talking about my family behind my back. I know this because of his little sisters. They're still young so they don't understand and they come and tell me what they hear. He literally told them how he buys bread and pays bills. He doesn't agree with that and his mom doesn't either apparently. She tells him don't pay anything, what are they gonna do to you? She wants his money for her only. She manipulated him into buying a piece of land for 30 thousand dollars in iraq for his "future" when we don't even have a house here to our selves in America! I tried talking to him but he tells me to not worry about it and that he's doing something good for us. He makes plans with his mom when it's supposed to be between me and him because it's OUR future, not hers! When we were in Iraq, he would keep all his money with his mom. Again, no big deal but it made me feel sad because it's like I'm your wife, aren't you supposed to trust me with your belongings? I don't even know how much money he has!  Theres SO MUCH more that happened in Iraq that made me change my feelings toward him but moving onto my problems now-

I became really close with my brother in laws wife when I was there. We were going through the same things with our husbands being obsessed with their manipulative mom so we were the only ones that understood each other. Anyways, when we came back from Iraq, me and my husband had a little argument and he just couldn't help but go and call his mom and tell her about it. And her advice to him? was to hit me!  Obviously he didn't hit me. But what made me mad was the fact that it was such a simple argument, and he HAD to tell his mom about it. It couldn't stay between us. In my opinion, everything and anything that happens between a man and a woman in marriage should stay only between them. The argument was over a towel. I can't imagine what he would've said if it was actually over something serious. This made me lose all the respect I had towards him. He proved to me that I'm married to him and his mom, not just him. And that things can't stay just between us, which is very important to me.

Before we came back from Iraq, we agreed to start trying to have a baby. We're over our 2 year mark and and we agreed it was time. We came back and one day he randomly told me he doesn't want a baby anymore. I was devastated so I called my brother in laws wife and told her that we aren't going to be trying for a baby anymore. She literally tells me that his mom talked him out of having a baby because of how much money they would cost which is exactly what his excuse was to me. His excuse was bs. He said we don't have time and when he comes back from work he will go to the gym so he won't even see his baby and that they cost money. This and everything else that happened really made me rethink my future with him. My husband would put the gym over his own child? My husband doesn't want to spend money on his OWN child yet he'd spend thousands of dollars over his mom in a heartbeat. Now I'm just so repulsed at the fact that I'll EVER have a baby with him. He wants to wait until we own our own house and make over 5000 a month until we try. I feel like those things are soo far down into the future. Not everyone owns their own house before they have a baby and they're all doing fine. And when will we own our own house if youre buying lands in Iraq?? He's waiting on ME to finish my education and work before buying our own house. 

There's just soo much stuff that changed in him after we went to Iraq and it made me rethink my future with him. I know you guys will say to talk to him, and I have tried but he's hard headed. I can't tell him your mom is manipulating you don't listen to her. There's just somethings that can't be said. We care for each other and love each other but we're both unhappy in our marriage. It actually breaks my heart to look at where we are now compared to how happy we were before. What do you guys think I should do in this situation? I'm considering divorce because I'm married to a guy that doesn't know reality exists. He wants to please his mom and only his mom and will listen to her only. A man makes his own choices. I feel like he'll only benefit his mom instead of our future in the long run.

[Reza]

Salaam, welcome to ShiaChat.

Inshallah members here can provide valuable input.

[zainabamy]

Assalam aleikum sister,

In all honesty I think you should tell your husband that you are considering divorce and tell him the reasons why. Either he will come to his senses or he will continue to be an idiot.

He has no right to treat you the way he has been treating you at all - its truly pathetic. And I'm shocked that his mother was like that - in Islam a mother in law should treat her son's wife as her own daughter and both of them will have to answer for their sins in front of Allah (swt) unless they repent. 

I can't imagine how much pain this is causing for you. Years ago I was with a guy who was lovely with me but soon after he just turned and started being nasty and even abusive towards me. Letting go of him was so hard, but wallahi it was the best thing I ever did. I never deserved to be treated like that, and neither should you. Allah (swt) will provide you with much better.

 

[Fatima NMA]

Salam sister hawrsh

First of all,u should never expect a motherinlaw to be a second mom for you because she is simply not! 

Second,u didn't mention anything about you and your husband's ages and iman! If your husband is a real momin you can use Islam and the 'haram and halal' with him to show him that he is being unfair to you! If he fears Allah he will eventually see the bad side of his mother without you nagging all the time! Use logic and common sense!

And what about your parents? Why don't you send them to talk to the mother and show her that she is harming her son's marriage and life  ? An elder must help you guys,coz with such a devilish mother in-law u can't fix anything yourself.ask for help in 'real' life.

Personally, from what u said,I feel like your mother in-law is considering divorce for u and her son!! So if u love your husband,u have to be patient and give your marriage couple of years and he will better understand you and get closer to you than he is now!just remember to, always, be kind,caring and forgiving with him!

My duas for you..

[SayedShuhada]

This won't change. Sorry if i am to harsh but it is reallity. My mother and my father had the same thing. My father never touched my mother but in it's family it's ok to hide things from their wives. Nearly all of my uncle are divorced or had big problem with their wife my father is the only exeption but still he hide things from my mother like land and money in my country. My mother got use to it (not a 100%) but still.

I won't advice you to divorce your husband nor to menace him with this but talk to him. I tell you he won't change it's a fact he is way to attached to his mother like my father was to his mother. They manipulate their sons easily and they are queen of the house.

Talk to your husband maybe he is different and he will change but otherwise it is up to you. Do you love him enough to live this kind of life with him and make a family with him or would you rather divorce.

[hawrsh123]

1 hour ago, zainabamy said:

Assalam aleikum sister,

In all honesty I think you should tell your husband that you are considering divorce and tell him the reasons why. Either he will come to his senses or he will continue to be an idiot.

He has no right to treat you the way he has been treating you at all - its truly pathetic. And I'm shocked that his mother was like that - in Islam a mother in law should treat her son's wife as her own daughter and both of them will have to answer for their sins in front of Allah (swt) unless they repent. 

I can't imagine how much pain this is causing for you. Years ago I was with a guy who was lovely with me but soon after he just turned and started being nasty and even abusive towards me. Letting go of him was so hard, but wallahi it was the best thing I ever did. I never deserved to be treated like that, and neither should you. Allah (swt) will provide you with much better.

 

Honestly it is causing me a lot of pain. I feel like he didn't deserve to marry a girl like me. My parents helped out so much in the beginning of our marriage because he didn't have much and he has the nerve to go talk about them with his mom. Were you the one who brought up divorce with your ex? I feel like letting go of him will be so hard just like you said but at the same time I would probably benefit from it. Did you get remarried?

[hawrsh123]

22 minutes ago, Fatima NMA said:

Salam sister hawrsh

First of all,u should never expect a motherinlaw to be a second mom for you because she is simply not! 

Second,u didn't mention anything about you and your husband's ages and iman! If your husband is a real momin you can use Islam and the 'haram and halal' with him to show him that he is being unfair to you! If he fears Allah he will eventually see the bad side of his mother without you nagging all the time! Use logic and common sense!

And what about your parents? Why don't you send them to talk to the mother and show her that she is harming her son's marriage and life  ? An elder must help you guys,coz with such a devilish mother in-law u can't fix anything yourself.ask for help in 'real' life.

Personally, from what u said,I feel like your mother in-law is considering divorce for u and her son!! So if u love your husband,u have to be patient and give your marriage couple of years and he will better understand you and get closer to you than he is now!just remember to, always, be kind,caring and forgiving with him!

My duas for you..

I can't tell my mom I'm having problems with his mom because she actually warned me about them before we got engaged. She told me that his mom is evil and warned me against them but I was too caught up with his physical appearance. I've just realized how personality and deen are more important than appearance. I wish I could use the haram and halal thing with him but in his mind he hasn't done anything wrong and as long as I'm not starving, living on the streets, and he doesn't physically abuse me then I'm a happy and spoiled wife and should be thankful to have a guy like him. He is good to me and loves me but he does so much bad things that it outweighs the good. He's a mommas boy and it's ruining our marriage. I wish I could get it through his head :l thanks for the advice.

[hawrsh123]

27 minutes ago, SayedShuhada said:

This won't change. Sorry if i am to harsh but it is reallity. My mother and my father had the same thing. My father never touched my mother but in it's family it's ok to hide things from their wives. Nearly all of my uncle are divorced or had big problem with their wife my father is the only exeption but still he hide things from my mother like land and money in my country. My mother got use to it (not a 100%) but still.

I won't advice you to divorce your husband nor to menace him with this but talk to him. I tell you he won't change it's a fact he is way to attached to his mother like my father was to his mother. They manipulate their sons easily and they are queen of the house.

Talk to your husband maybe he is different and he will change but otherwise it is up to you. Do you love him enough to live this kind of life with him and make a family with him or would you rather divorce.

Actually I agree with you I feel like it wont change. He's way too attached to his mom  Guys that are too attached to their moms and only listen to her should never get married. It's not fair to the wife. I hope I can get the courage to bring up his mom one day. It's just so hard to bring up his mom because he thinks shes right and does nothing wrong. Obviously if I bring her up I will be the wrong one :/ 

[zainabamy]

36 minutes ago, hawrsh123 said:

Honestly it is causing me a lot of pain. I feel like he didn't deserve to marry a girl like me. My parents helped out so much in the beginning of our marriage because he didn't have much and he has the nerve to go talk about them with his mom. Were you the one who brought up divorce with your ex? I feel like letting go of him will be so hard just like you said but at the same time I would probably benefit from it. Did you get remarried?

Its a horrible feeling wallahi.

But sister, you shouldn't say that he doesn't deserve to marry a girl like you. Its quite the opposite. You have remained loyal and faithful to your husband and he has betrayed your trust. He was cruel and disrespectful to you, his own wife, and backbited about you. It is him who is in the wrong, and it is him who doesn't deserve you wallahi. Imagine if this had happened during the time of the Prophet (saw), he would have been quick to comfort you and admonish your husband and your mother in law.

I was never married to my ex al hamdulilah. I was only engaged, but I broke off the relationship simply because he was being increasingly abusive. He would shout and scream at me every time I spoke to him and it scared me to death, I knew I couldn't stay with him. And it was so messed up because despite everything I loved him so so much and put up with so much rubbish from him. For a while I really really hurt, but I got some help from the doctors, family and friends and now I am so much better al hamdulilah. At the time I thought his anger issues were my fault, but after a lot help and thinking I realised that I had done nothing but be loyal and patient with him. Currently, I am not engaged but I have had proposes off other guys but I'm just waiting for the right one for me. One thing this this horrible experience with my ex taught me is that I deserve the best and nothing less.

Please feel free to personal message me as well at any point. I love you for the sake of Allah (swt). 

Edited January 23, 2016 by zainabamy
typo

[em]

Ok, this idea might seem strange and perhaps won't work, or you might not agree with it. But have you tried discussing this with the mother in law? Maybe just be flat out with her and let her know that she is ruining her sons marriage? But first discuss it with your husband and let him know that you dont want to continue the way things are. I also known people that have benefited from marriage counseling. 

[5a49]

I always tend to get lost with these threads and think I'm on a Jeremy Kyle forum

[Ruq]

Salams, i really want to try and give a positive repsponse to your post, but in all honesty this would drive me right up the wall. If theres one thing i cannot stand in a man its a 'mummies boy' >.< a mummies boy isnt simply a man who loves and respects his mother, its a man who allows himself to be controlled by his mother, who some how hasnt managed to cut the apron strings and realise that sense of autonomy and ability to assert himself appropriately that is such a reassuring and attractive quality in a husband. I can appreciate why its affected your feelings, i wouldnt find it attractive either. It seems the only course of action is to raise these issues with him, but try not to do it in a confrontational way (like using the term 'mummies boy') because that will probably just annoy him and stop him from considering your points. Ask him if he thinks it reasonable that his mother has such an overwhelming influence over his mind and actions, does he think that normal? can he not determine for himself what he should and shouldnt be doing for the best? why has he so little confidence in his own ability to determine that? i would let him know that i find it hard to have confidence in a man that has so little faith in his own judgement that he can be so easily swayed by his mother, no matter how dominant her personality. Let him know what changes you saw in him after your visit to his mother and how disturbing it was to have your assessment of him turned on its head like that. Is he happy knowing his mother has such control over him? doesnt it make him feel demasculinised? what is it he fears about asserting himself with his mother? does he not realise that asserting yourself does not equal being disrespectful? maybe it would be a kindness towards his mother to be clearer about the boundaries of his private affairs and what is her business to get involved in. It cant be healthy.

[Miss Wonderful]

This is one of the most disturbing threads I've ever read. Really, he has to brag about how he's buying bread and paying bills? There's nothing I despise more than someone reminding you all the time what they bought you. I really hate these types of  ha2oodi,  Khabeet, bakheel ,and cowardly types of men. At least he's wise enough not to want to pass his toxic genes to someone else. Why did he even want to get married?  He probably  records how many slices cucumbers you ate and counts how many squares of toilet paper are left in a notebook and  then sends to his mom on whatsapp. I'm sure he measures the spaghetti using this.

 

Edited January 24, 2016 by Miss Wonderful

[King]

Sounds like a Pakistani marriage.

[StarryNight]

Salam,

This is just terrible sister, may Allah swt help you because this isn't what Allah swt wants for us. 

Sister, there isn't anything wrong with divorce if you have tried everything to make it work out. You shouldn't allow yourself by any means go through this distress and pain. I know you may be afraid of not remarrying again or people thinking bad about you but honestly, Allah swt is the all mighty and you must put your trust I him, that way he will guide you through the end of this marriage and inshallah give you a real man who will truly fear Allah. 

I know you mentioned you didn't listen to your mom when she warned you about his family and you focus on his appearance before anything. Well, now you know what to look for and now you know what truly matters. 

There is a way out, don't be afraid to get out of this, Allah will take care of you  just believe it. 

[Muhammed Ali]

On 23/01/2016 at 7:44 PM, hawrsh123 said:

When I went to Iraq, I saw his true colors.

These things intrigue me. How does a person manage to hide their true character for so long? Or is it a case of not discerning the true character?

[Chaotic Muslem]

I think the mom is wise ... not manipulative ..

What good it is to have a house in USA? you dont really own a land in USA, you rent it from the gov and have to pay taxes for it for life.

In Iraq the land is yours with no annual taxes upon it. It is simply yours. I think he was thinking of bringing you back to Iraq to raise a baby instead of rasing the baby in the west, but since you made a show out of simple interaction with his mother whom he didn't see for a year he called it off.

Also, If he feels that paying some bills is unfair, you can arrange a sort of rent from your parents i.e. your parents renting you the floor or room you live in instead of offering it to you generously. That ma fix his calculations and makes him think again.

I think both of you are having cultural clash over there. Divorce isn't the way to solve it unless you sit down and discuss your future plans together (and on your way, clarify these cultural differences ).

 

[Gypsy]

We waited about ten years before having our child, so we can give good stuff to our children. I don't think you should hurry into having baby with your husband especially that the marriage is not going as smoothly as expected. There's serious issue of trust between the two f you and you should work on that first. He's from. Different culture, and trust me that Iraqi culture actually promote the manner in which your husband is behaving towards you especially infornt of his family.

[pshela1989]

Usually the 1st year of marriage is the most difficult, but you survived. But, once your inner circle was expanded you began to have issues. Your husband is going to love his mother unconditionally. And that isn't a bad thing. Think about it like this he wouldn't be such a good husband if he didn't love the first woman in his life so deeply. That being said, it is sometimes hard for mother's to see their sons replace them. Especially as for most mother's their sons are their entire lives. Don't challenge her. I know that sounds crazy, but if she feels threatened it's worse. 

The second issue of your husband talking about your family and his "true colors". This is his family. His inner circle....his siblings. Don't get mad. Instead of fighting or arguing. Sit him down preferably when you are alone in the evening my psychologist side recommends touching in some fashion. Explain to him that you and him are your own family. That your personal families issues and his should be kept separate. Tell him its SWEET that he feels comfortable enough to share issues as though both families are his own, but you prefer if your new family was the only place information like this was discussed. Yes, it's hard saying kind things when you are mad. But, he will be way more responsive if you talk to him in a kind way. Plus, most likely he does feel comfortable with your family enough to share it with his own family as I am sure you discuss problems about your siblings with other siblings. He may not even see the issue. As for him sharing your plans. I think this is a great opportunity to tell him you understand that his mother's advice may be very helpful and you understand why her guidance is needed, but you want our family (ie him and you) to build your life together. You want to plan as a team. You want to be his confidant and go to planner. You are being harsh on him. I know you are upset, but you lived with this man a YEAR. You know his good and his bad. But, you have forgotten every man is a son. And for him heaven is beneath her feet. As for the month and all of those other issues...STOP. Just Stop. You need to let it go. Water off a ducks back. Let it roll off. Here is why....you will be with him forever (inshallah)....she won't. They have been in a relationship for YEARS....your relationship while it has depth you need more time to grow. If you attack or fight it makes you look bad. Don't just let it go. Instead focus on making sure your husband is happy. Bite your tongue with your mother-in-law. FYI My father is Iraqi so culturally I would say the love of their mother's runs deep. But, her behavior is definitely unique. But, the best way to deal with it is with sugar, honey, and everything nice. Pick your battles and don't battle with vinegar.....use honey. 

Second issue...DONT TALK ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even your sister-in-law. Whether you realize it or not talking like that creates more animosity inside of you. STOP. Every time you get the urge to say something....go pray or read Quran. Soothe your soul. Trust me. Now, your little argument.....don't fight. Just don't. When you get all mad don't talk about it wait till you calm down. When you talk to him do it after he is home from work, he has eaten, and prayed. Make sure you are touching in some way. And tell him all the things he did right, and when you tell him you don't like him talking to his mother about your fights...go back to this..."my dearest(or pet name) I know that you feel that your mom has helpful advice as I often think my mother does. But, I want us to work out our problems together so we can grow together from them. If you have an issue with me lets talk about it. I will do my best to not get into arguments with you. I don't like to fight with you. When I fight with you I miss you. Please if we argue again lets take time to cool down and work it out together just the TWO of us." I hope you noted that when you talk to him you should use kind words....be sweet. Don't attack. Show him how much your love him. Iraqi men or men in general love to know they are cared for. They need respect and arguing can become disrespectful fast. So don't do it. I am not saying this will happen overnight, but once you master this he too will become better. Then you both can become better together. As for your words on losing respect for him....that is not fair. You seem to be the individual who can see the entire picture. You are wise enough to see the problem so don't let your emotions eat you up. Be smart about it. And tell him that you want stuff to stay between you...in a SWEET way.

Next issue, WHY would you try to have a baby if you lost respect for your partner? Babies make things more difficult. I love children. Believe me I want children myself. But, you need to ensure your marriage is rock solid before you introduce another innocent life that will cry and need most of your attention. You aren't ready for a baby. His mother whatever her motives is right. Yes, I know that is harsh to hear. But, wait for it. His excuses are all bs yes....but they maybe because of something else...such as he is worried about the future. Maybe like yourself he is worried about the future. It doesn't matter who put the worry in his head you didn't exactly get rid of them. You kind of played right into his mother's hand. So my advice....once again pull him aside...alone....touching....and tell him you would love to start a family with him and you understand why he is concerned about the future and money, and you agree that maybe now isn't the right time. BUT you feel money isn't the real issue you think that you BOTH have lost focus on loving each other. Tell him you want to focus on your marriage and building a strong foundation for your family.

My mother who has 6 kids and has been married over 37 years told me a great piece of advice which I will give to you. "Love is like an ocean waves on the surface maybe crashing but underneath it should be calm".  Your marriage will never been all roses and butterflies. Marriage is not easy I mean you clearly understand a small fight over a towel can turn into something much bigger. But, marriage will teach you what is truly important in life. Moreover, the way you deal with those problems will truly dictate your happiness. You both seem like lovely individuals so my advice WORK AT IT. Fight for your marriage. Divorce isn't something you should be considering over such small issues. Do you feel that you are completely blameless?  I will be frank with you...you aren't. If you see who his mother is then why did you do exactly what she wanted? Outsmart her. Be kind. Loving. Supportive. If you do those things and if you can manage to change the way you fight these moments will look like the beginning of the best thing that ever happened to you. I cannot stress to you enough to change the way you talk to your husband. Don't stop communicating just communicate in a different manner. Lastly, his mom won't be around forever. Play the long term game. Focus on your marriage and your husband. Believe me their aren't that many good men out there. If you have a good one hold onto him. The issues you're describing are not uncommon or ridiculous. And with some patience you really could turn this around. 

I am sorry if I was harsh with you, but I pray you will consider what I am sharing. I wish you all the best in your marriage. May God guide you and help you both become closer to each other and God.