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In the Name of God بسم الله

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assalam o alaikum ,

i am a  married girl i need your help i had a past which ruined me .my marriage is a love marriage and i told my husband about the past about the guy but still not in the depth that what sort of conversation we had . although told my husband that i felt it was love but it wasnt and i told him that we were having conversations wchich were beyond limits thats why i broke up . at first my husband got so close to me and now he dont wants to live with me he says he hates me and i am a liar and he says i am not pure and not a good wife . what should i do i need help. our ruksati is also taking to much time . as in the beginning we had our nikkah against our families so we were living together later our families said that  people dont know about our secret nikkah so we will make it publicized by doing it again infront of everyone . i am not yet pregnant but still know my husband is taking gtoo long for ruksati and that is making me depressed that i am suffering from Irriatable bowel syndrome . i need help plz how should i gain my husband's trust . as i hide some of the things from him which my elders told me not to say but still i share each and every thing which i thought that should be shared and i love him and obeyed him . as well as cared for him . i never spoke lies except on few places . i seriouslly repent but i want to save my marriage please help me . i promise i will give my best and workhard in my marriage and wont do anything which would hurt my husband 

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wa aleykom as salam.

Sister I am a man and i know what yout husband is feeling. My soon to be wife had a past, nothing horrible but still i am a very jealous man. If you really want to save your marriage talk to your husband. Ask him if he hasn't done anything in the past that he regret. The thing is that what's in the past stay in the past. Go see him, talk to him and repent for your past in front of him with a serious repent. Allah swt will forgive you if you are truthfull in your repent and if Allah swt forgives a mistake your husband should have the power to forgive you.

 

But from this day, you should listen to him. Don't make mistakes like the one you once did. Do to your husband what the Quran told you. He won't forget (i didn't) but we will forgive. Once he understand that the past cannot be changed and that the here and now with you is more important than what hapenned long ago he will forgive you inshallah.

 

Allah knows best. Inshallah for you.

 

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Salams,

Is he mad because he feels you decieved him before he married you? if this is the issue than you can work to build trust, but you both have to be willing. Find little ways to help him put his trust in you and then honor that trust to show him that he doesnt need to be concerned. If his problem is more about the idea of you once having feelings for someone else then this might be harder to deal with. You cannot undo your past, so he will have to either have to get over it or make a decision about splitting because punishing you for something that happened before he even knew you is not fair and not only is it not your responsibility to do something about that it is unreasonable to expect you to. If he cares more about justifying his egoism than you and your relationship youre better off without him.

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3 hours ago, k79 said:

assalam o alaikum ,

i am a  married girl i need your help i had a past which ruined me .my marriage is a love marriage and i told my husband about the past about the guy but still not in the depth that what sort of conversation we had . although told my husband that i felt it was love but it wasnt and i told him that we were having conversations wchich were beyond limits thats why i broke up . at first my husband got so close to me and now he dont wants to live with me he says he hates me and i am a liar and he says i am not pure and not a good wife . what should i do i need help. our ruksati is also taking to much time . as in the beginning we had our nikkah against our families so we were living together later our families said that  people dont know about our secret nikkah so we will make it publicized by doing it again infront of everyone . i am not yet pregnant but still know my husband is taking gtoo long for ruksati and that is making me depressed that i am suffering from Irriatable bowel syndrome . i need help plz how should i gain my husband's trust . as i hide some of the things from him which my elders told me not to say but still i share each and every thing which i thought that should be shared and i love him and obeyed him . as well as cared for him . i never spoke lies except on few places . i seriouslly repent but i want to save my marriage please help me . i promise i will give my best and workhard in my marriage and wont do anything which would hurt my husband 

Wa aleikum as salam,

Sister this man has no right to criticise you for things that you did before you got married and he has no right to call you impure or that you're not a good wife. The Prophet (saw) himself married women who were divorced or widows, so why should your husband have a problem with the fact that you felt like you were in love with someone before you married him? 

In all honesty sister I think if he doesn't calm down I think you should separate from him because how is treating you is totally wrong and you deserve so much better wallahi. 

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19 minutes ago, zainabamy said:

In all honesty sister I think if he doesn't calm down I think you should separate from him 

I would have to say I agree on this, if he has already developed these feelings towards you even after you have had a Nikah then he's not going to lose these feelings moving forward.

That being said he seems quite immature and has an inferiority complex since he is acting this way. Clearly, his immature ego is causing this. He sounds like a boy more than a man.

On a side note, you would've been better off not even telling him of your past. Not sure why you even chose to tell him all that.

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Seriously when I read stuff like this the only thing that comes to mind is why girls love playing the doormat all the time. If he can't trust you, if he's going to create issues over something as stupid and undoable as your past, he's not worth it. It's not like you can go back in time and undo your past and fly back to the future - so not happening. If this wasn't an issue to him to start with, why is it now? trust me, each time you guys fight, each time something goes wrong, your past is going to be smudged all over your face with endless whining and criticism because that's what people like him do.

you can do better than him. why waste your life over someone who can't get over something as silly as this? why waste yourself over someone who can't respect you for who you are right now and is only concerned about what you were when you didn't even know him?

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9 hours ago, k79 said:

assalam o alaikum ,

i am a  married girl i need your help i had a past which ruined me .my marriage is a love marriage and i told my husband about the past about the guy but still not in the depth that what sort of conversation we had . although told my husband that i felt it was love but it wasnt and i told him that we were having conversations wchich were beyond limits thats why i broke up . at first my husband got so close to me and now he dont wants to live with me he says he hates me and i am a liar and he says i am not pure and not a good wife . what should i do i need help. our ruksati is also taking to much time . as in the beginning we had our nikkah against our families so we were living together later our families said that  people dont know about our secret nikkah so we will make it publicized by doing it again infront of everyone . i am not yet pregnant but still know my husband is taking gtoo long for ruksati and that is making me depressed that i am suffering from Irriatable bowel syndrome . i need help plz how should i gain my husband's trust . as i hide some of the things from him which my elders told me not to say but still i share each and every thing which i thought that should be shared and i love him and obeyed him . as well as cared for him . i never spoke lies except on few places . i seriouslly repent but i want to save my marriage please help me . i promise i will give my best and workhard in my marriage and wont do anything which would hurt my husband 

Wa aalaikum salam sister,

But one thing is bothering me, if you had already told him in the beginning than why Is he bringing this again..... ?

It's difficult to say why he is upset from details you mentioned. I know from personal experience that's it's not easy to get over that quickly especially if he doesn't have past himself. He may be battling with himself. He needs your love and care even more to get rid of those thoughts that engulfing his mind. Help him and make it clear, it was in the past and You regret it. You have repented already before Allah and Inshallah You won't let come your past between your marriage. And You told him already, it's of no use to worry about past.

But if you sincerely regret it now, As i'm sure you do, then tell him that and keep reminding him... inshallah Allah will help.  

 

 

But at the same time be strong and firm if you are sincere and willing to put everything and he still doesn't honor it in the end than don't worry at all, it's his loss then.

 

  

Edited by AvengerAfterRepentance

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W alaykom assalam

 

I suggest you tell him the untold!! With details ...with love,without fighting,,without trying to defend yourself...because your marriage deserves a try at least!

 

U do so and see how he reacts...if he gets worst then as others here have told u,he doesn't worth it.but it's possible that he might trust u again and believes u because u told him some 'private' stuff about your past!

 

Just be honest!

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Let me give you a guys opinion on this. I had my nikkah too and rukhsati was planned for later. Before getting nikkofied I shared my past with my to be wife because I wanted to be honest with her. She decided not to. After my nikkah somehow I found out about her past and it killed me. What bothered me most was the fact that she lied and hid about it when I came clean with mine. 

I never got over it completely but I chose to forgive. It was only a week for which I was mad. It wasnt her past which bothered me it was the fact that she lied about it was what bothered me. People might have different opinions on this that ones past is not someone else's business but the truth is in the world we live in its better to be honest about such stuff before marriage. You dont need to go into details and each of the partners should be wise enough not to ask for details. 

In your case I would suggest that be honest. Stop lying to him and he should stop asking you for details about your past, it wont do any good for him. As others said if he is wise enough he will forgive you for it. Pray to Allah that He softens your husband's heart. Please dont listen to people's advice here that you should just break it off with him and you are better off without him. If he is a good person otherwise and a good muslim then dont let go of him. Separation/divorce have the worst implications on people and there is a reason why it is disliked by Allah to such an extent. The problem with our generation is that we arent willing to compromise. We are highly emotional and act out of impulse. The consequences one has to face after separation, the emotional trauma is too much.

Keep praying and be honest with him. Please dont lie to him about small stuff. Lies just ruin the relationship. May Allah ease your hardship and you have a blessed and happy married life with your husband. InshaAllah Khair.

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On 1/21/2016 at 0:08 PM, k79 said:

as in the beginning we had our nikkah against our families so we were living together later our families said that  people dont know about our secret nikkah so we will make it publicized by doing it again infront of everyone .

Have you considered that maybe he is making up a reason to break up with you because his family has talked him into it?

Looks you did a Nikah against your (or more specifically his) families' wishes? Maybe his mom got to him?

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3 hours ago, Akbar673 said:

Have you considered that maybe he is making up a reason to break up with you because his family has talked him into it?

Looks you did a Nikah against your (or more specifically his) families' wishes? Maybe his mom got to him?

He has a point

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