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Husband/Fiance wants to get intimate before wedding 'reception'

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Salam Alaikum, 

I had my nikah (Islamic marriage) done a while ago and the wedding ceremony will be in about a year or less. This is mosly the case with Arab families, the nikah first and after a while the actual marriage ceremony (party) etc. I've always had in mind to the have the first time real intimate moment (intercourse) after the actual wedding ceremony, as most girls I know do this and what is expected from our culture and thus families (and I think girls from similar culture too) but my husband/fiancee is saying he doesn't want to wait this long. We are both virgin, both 26, and he's saying its frustrating for him to wait for so long.

I have 3 issues with this which i would love to hear the input of the members and especially married brothers and sisters

#1 is that im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level. How important is this for a step like this? 
#2 im really afraid of getting pregnant (even while using whatever contraceptive methods available) in the time being as it will mean that our families and the whole community will know about this. And while it is not haram, as we are husband and wife, its not accepted culturally. 
#3 What are the pros and cons of starting intimacy before the wedding reception, as it will be in a year or so? 

The first time is a really big deal and while i feel that im ready my mind is telling me not to as I might regret it later.  I hope the story is clear :)

Thanks in advance :)

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13 minutes ago, Tawheed313 said:

Have and open and honest discussion with each other about this. This should be the first thing you do.

We already have. He's not seeing why we should wait while we can enjoy each other now after waiting all these years, and actually I do see his point.

I feel im being selfish when I turn him down as everything is halal, I'm just afraid of the consequences for both our relationship and culturally. Input from married brothers and sisters on how this would/could affect our marriage later on would be very much appreciated.  

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A big NO.

Don't do it.

If he can't wait that long, bring the wedding date closer. But it is always advised to follow the urf (norms) if you don't want any trouble.

I know every situation is different but intimacy is best handled when you're living under the same roof. Couples don't realise this in the heat of moment, figuratively speaking, but distance almost always causes issues later on.

The first year is formative and very difficult. Marriage is no bed of roses. Handle it with utmost tact. I have seen too many couples mess up things early on.

My two cents.

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With all due respect, why did you have the nikah then? As a cultural engagement? Otherwise you could have waited to make the nikah until the ceremony, if this was going to be a point of contention. Did he give you an indication of this before nikah was made, or did this completely catch you by surprise?

Also what do you mean "im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level."? Is this just cold feet, or do you have serious doubts?

 

Edited by magma

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it is halal. i've heard of a number who went pregnant before the wedding party. i'd go with earlier wedding day. If you can't afford the party expenses, cancel it and replace it with lavish honeymoon instead of wasting it on feeding big bellies.

If your mom want to celebrate, let her made her own party and celebrate.

 

Notice that some troubles occurs. Some men are jerks even f they looked gentle :

1- If you gave up to me then you are cheap

2- If you gave up to me then you can also give up to other men

3- I can't be sure this child is mine

4- The man dies, the family of the  man says : This is not our child, you weren't married yet.

5- This is really embarrassing , if you broke the contract ...then you'd need a medical check to provide it to the judge to make sure you are virgin or not if any intimacy happened.

 

It is not haram but really isn't the best option.

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3 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

it is halal. i've heard of a number who went pregnant before the wedding party. i'd go with earlier wedding day. If you can't afford the party expenses, cancel it and replace it with lavish honeymoon instead of wasting it on feeding big bellies.

If your mom want to celebrate, let her made her own party and celebrate.

 

Notice that some troubles occurs. Some men are jerks even f they looked gentle :

1- If you gave up to me then you are cheap

2- If you gave up to me then you can also give up to other men

3- I can't be sure this child is mine

4- The man dies, the family of the  man says : This is not our child, you weren't married yet.

5- This is really embarrassing , if you broke the contract ...then you'd need a medical check to provide it to the judge to make sure you are virgin or not if any intimacy happened.

 

It is not haram but really isn't the best option.

Sorry, but whilst I agree that some men can be 'jerks' I think that you are being too harsh, on points 2 & 3 especially, point 1 is a little harsh as well, we don't know the mentality of her husband, he could have perfectly valid reasons for this.

(Also, is there really a need for either the party or the 'honey moon' to be lavish?)

 

Although clearly, as with that other recent thread, with the wedding party so far away, it would be a terrible idea, as a lot can happen in a year, feelings change quick, especially with all these hormones flying around.

 

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Dear sister, We had a exactly same thread a few weeks ago. My answer would be the same.

Tell him to seek your father's permission to take you to a vacation for two days and three nights. That is it, if you father allows, then it means your father is ok with it; otherwise your father is not. Obviously no two young man and woman go on two night trip specially when they are in nikah and would remain separate from each other.

 

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I apologize if I go slightly off-topic, but why do these wedding ceremonies take a year to plan? Why exactly does it take that long? Or is it delayed for the benefit of organizers and guests, rather than the interests of the couple themselves? Even if its delayed because of school reasons, etc, there's no excuse. For a permanent nikah, there should be an all-or-nothing approach here. Either you are fully married and can do everything, or you are not married and can do nothing. It's unnatural to be "in between" like this. If certain restrictions or nuances of time or activities are needed, then mutah is available, which has to be respectfully agreed by both parties. But by definition, that's best for temporary use, and an unrestricted permanent nikah is always favorable when possible.

Why can't there be a very simple Islamic nikah ceremony (planned in one week), you live as a fully married couple, and then maybe have a nice anniversary party a few years later when things settle down better? The celebration could mean something, like acknowledging a blessed married couple that has been doing well for a few years, who can get further encouragements.

Edited by magma

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16 minutes ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Sorry, but whilst I agree that some men can be 'jerks' I think that you are being too harsh, on points 2 & 3 especially, point 1 is a little harsh as well, we don't know the mentality of her husband, he could have perfectly valid reasons for this.

(Also, is there really a need for either the party or the 'honey moon' to be lavish?)

 

Although clearly, as with that other recent thread, with the wedding party so far away, it would be a terrible idea, as a lot can happen in a year, feelings change quick, especially with all these hormones flying around.

 

Dear brother, the examples above are real life situations that happened!

And if women can't be tricked by some men, we won't hear such silly stories!

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Having been in a similar position like the OP, I strongly advise you not to get intimate before your wedding reception. We got intimate and eventually our wedding didn't happen. I am not saying anything of that sort would happen with you. But its better to follow society's norms and wait for the reception. I didn't wait and now that things didn't work out I regret getting intimate with my wife. 

May Allah bless you with a happy married life. I was also a believer of nikkah first and wedding reception a few months later but after what I have gone through I strongly suggest that you expedite your reception. 

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Bismillah.

Salaam.

If your wedding contract is permanent Nikah, to have intercourse is religiously obligatory once in four months.

Ayatullah Sistani says:

"It is not permissible to neglect sexual relations with a young wife for more than four months, unless there is an excuse like unbearable difficulty or harm [in fulfillment of that duty] or unless she agrees to it [that is, forgoes her conjugal rights] or if it was part of their agreement at the time of marriage."

http://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2062/

With Duas.

Narsis.

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Oh, Lord...I've been married over thirty years. Sex should never be under pressure,especially your first time, for Pete's sake. He knows what the social norms are, stupid or not. You can tell him to wait or move up your reception day. 

Your first time with your husband...that's one time  especially that you should feel good  and serene about what is happening.

 

 

Also, not sure what this is about?

"#1 is that im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level. How important is this for a step like this? "

Edited by LeftCoastMom
Added quote

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Dear all:

With all due respect, following Islam does not make us void of any culture. Islamic laws do not annul general norms of the society. Culturally when a girl leaves her father's home to her husband's, its understood they will have sex without any one's chagrin. But once she is living with her father and a departure is planned for some time later, it is understood that they will remain without intimate touching. Its akin to an unsaid promise a husband has made to wife's father and abiding by any promise is compulsory meaning wajib on every Muslim (man or woman) according to Islam (ufu bil uqood - fulfill your promises - Al-Quran). 

Anybody who is lamenting that since nikah is done, and even if she has not moved out, she still has to give her virginity to him is telling me that since you carry a driving license, and has seen the speed limit to be 35 miles per hour, it is ok to drive at 35 mph while little kids are playing around in the neighborhood. Islamic laws do not tell to you become stupid. Anybody who think so, needs another decade of Islamic learning to accomplish to learn the norms, akhlaq, and adaab of Islam besides the rot of TawziulMasail. 

As far as Nikah done a year before her departure, this is the most beautiful thing a couple could do in the start of their marriage life. I've done it and would recommend it highly. It allowed us to emotionally and mentally connect with each other way before she moved to my house. This also allowed us to be physically close without any hesitations once she moved in because we already had crossed the mental and emotional barriers of two strangers binding in nikah. Needless to say we talked a lot before she moved in and our communication brought a lots of future conflicts into the manageable zone way before we got together. Both for man and woman, the worst sexual experience is when you get physical intimacy without mental and spiritual intimacy. Its like having sex with a robot and feeling puked out on every next move; because the heart is not in it.   

I would highly recommend my kids to do nikah a year or so ahead of getting physically together precisely for the same benefits that we earned. 

Still it won't hurt to stipulate no-sex clause till departure at nikah time so you don't have to go through this crazy talk on SC. 

Edited by Irfani313

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6 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

But the nikah has taken place, they are married. The marriage reception is just some cultural B.S. Feel sorry for her husband TBH. Patience of Job.

The reception isn't BS . Sayyida Fatimah had one. Plus I think it is part of ishhar: making public announcement of the relationship . 

But when you got to feed a tribe or tow or more, or when you got to wait for your house or flat to get ready ( many don't start with house until he find the wife so they can furnish it to gather) or wait for school , I these terms should be respected, especially that some engagements can be broken in future for this reason. Either that or cancel the reception or make it sooner. It can take place next month if she wish, no one will object. It is really her and her husband call. 

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^ There is a difference between a simple nikah ceremony and a lavish cultural wedding party months/years after the nikah was made. Haji is referring to the latter.

They've already made nikah. What kind of gathering did they have when nikah was declared? All that is needed is a nice dinner with close family and friends, if there's enough space to sit. Anything beyond that (like a wedding party afterward), should be decided later if they have the money or energy for it.

But maybe some view an Islamic nikah as merely a formality, while the cultural wedding is the "real declaration of marriage" that has substance, and hence "married life" begins at that point only.

Edited by magma

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6 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

But the nikah has taken place, they are married. The marriage reception is just some cultural B.S. Feel sorry for her husband TBH. Patience of Job.

Wedding receptions might be animal waste but changing the order of things can have serious consequences for women. As usual, men have little to worry in these matters.

Ideally, there should be no waiting period. Couples should live together right after the nikah. So their patience is not tested. If families need time to prepare for the wedding, delay the nikah till the day of the reception. So there's no question of intimacy.

That would be a job well done.

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Like the cultural "order of things" has a positive track record of supporting women, by intent or design.

The same jahil Arab culture that buried female infants alive 1400 years ago is now in support of women's marital lives in the 21st century? That shames non-virgins and divorcees? That often resorts to narrow tribalism in spouse selection? These weddings (as they are done) often ruin people's lives and harm the couple, in many different ways. What we've discussed in this thread is one example, but there are others including large debts.

Following a simple Islamic nikah is what is best, with a small, simple ceremony, and full rights of married life immediately afterward. The only place of culture is to determine what kind of food will be served at the dinner.

Here's a good old video from years back I loved:

 

Edited by magma

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44 minutes ago, magma said:

^ We have religion to regulate culture. Cultures are incapable of regulating themselves without this outside guidance. Any friction that occurs is the fault of the culture, not the religion.

Sounds neat but it's never that simple. Culture is an amorphous entity; it's in constant state of flux. It changes and shifts all the time as external and internal forces influence it. Religion isn't the only regulator. In time economy, social expression, necessity etc renders obsolete previously held beliefs. Culture of 100 years ago is never the same for one place.

That being said, religion and culture are inextricably intertwined and regulate each other. What we see in Muslim societies is a cumulative product of centuries of Islamic influence. It hasn't come out of nowhere. But if centuries of Islam couldn't "fix" culture to our liking, what hope is there to "fix" it in 2016? 

Religious injunctions are there to regulate our lives with minimum interference, by setting the boundaries/limits. There's a lot of room to maneuver within those boundaries. Hence, there is no straight answer to these social situations.

It doesn't mean we can't criticise hackneyed practices or call to change them. We should, but we can't do that out of context just with a fatwa out of some book of jurisprudence. It must be done on case-by-case basis, taking into account social factors and its possible fallout. 

Edited by Marbles
corrections

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2 hours ago, magma said:

^ There is a difference between a simple nikah ceremony and a lavish cultural wedding party months/years after the nikah was made. Haji is referring to the latter.

They've already made nikah. What kind of gathering did they have when nikah was declared? All that is needed is a nice dinner with close family and friends, if there's enough space to sit. Anything beyond that (like a wedding party afterward), should be decided later if they have the money or energy for it.

But maybe some view an Islamic nikah as merely a formality, while the cultural wedding is the "real declaration of marriage" that has substance, and hence "married life" begins at that point only.

Nikah isn't done with gathering. Ideally the sheikh, 2 witnesses and the fathers. The woman is standing by the door , enters when called or speak from behind door. Or a simple family gathering : parents, elders of family (just few not all of them) most important siblings, shiekh and 2 witnesses.

It is not even a ceremony. Just a very technical gathering to sort the contract conditions. Once finished, girl can claim she is engaged. Some may make a simple ceremony after that where the guy put the ring around the girl's finger..Some dont. It really varies.

The wedding reception is HUGE. You take a leave from work or school to attend it and non will object. It is not necessarily lavish but necessary demanding cause it usually constitute of endless number of guests.

All those who are your work mates, class mates (sometimes when the bride is at school, the party would be full of all girls in that school regardless of their grade and all teachers) All neighbours (this can mean all the village or town) all family members ( and you can go figure how huge a single family in Arab world, not to mention the extended family) all your acquiantenece etc etc.

All are invited, not all will attend but you should be prepared for huge crowd.

Huge crowd need space. Back in days, houses roofs or closing a street will do. Now with advancement of mobile camera, a wedding hall with security. Wedding hall will require food and seatings among other hospitality stuff....

even if you go by the minimum, it is still expensive and requires efforts.

 

Some girls though opted out for small selective party right after Nikah,  in wedding hall ,but is not called wedding party, inviting only selected relatives and friends, then she sets a date of wedding and make it the date of her honeymoon and no reception needed ! She just flee the plague of bankruptcy lol 

I totally encourage this tactic.

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1 hour ago, magma said:

^ We have religion to regulate culture. Cultures are incapable of regulating themselves without this outside guidance. Any friction that occurs is the fault of the culture, not the religion.

You won't score much with this approach , just dodge and move on. With time when everyone learn how to dodge, culture will change ..

And it has nothing to do with religion. These things are left to people to handle and manage wishing the larger boundaries of religion.

Back in days, wedding used to take a week of celebrations:

3 nights at the parents house, a big night , 2 nights at the in laws house, one small reception in the new house XD But people now can't afford this so it is much smaller, less food provided , less time spent

 

There is a problem in our modern world called : Ridiculously rising prices.

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AFAIK, in Indo/Pak culture when there is a significant delay between the nikah and the rukhsati (the farewell ceremony), this delays the start of conjugal relations. Again AFAIK, there is no Islamic link with the rukhsati. 

IMHO the delay often demonstrates some kind of powerplay by one of the mother-in-laws. And in the instances I am familiar with, one or other party has not been happy with the delay, but has had to acquiesce.

For those people arguing for delay, can this not be the grounds for divorce?

But if as in the case of @Irfani313 it's by mutual preference, then fine. 

 

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1 hour ago, Haji 2003 said:

AFAIK, in Indo/Pak culture when there is a significant delay between the nikah and the rukhsati (the farewell ceremony), this delays the start of conjugal relations. Again AFAIK, there is no Islamic link with the rukhsati. 

IMHO the delay often demonstrates some kind of powerplay by one of the mother-in-laws. And in the instances I am familiar with, one or other party has not been happy with the delay, but has had to acquiesce.

For those people arguing for delay, can this not be the grounds for divorce?

But if as in the case of @Irfani313 it's by mutual preference, then fine. 

 

If she is an Arab, usually there is no power play and it is all in her and her husband handXD

But if they have no place yet, it really depends on her parents to allow the husband to come over , or on his parents to allow him to use their house. Take into consideration the hijab problem if she or he has brothers and sisters and how uncomfortable things can be.

As far as I know, those who have everything set ( house and no school) their engagement take few months. This period is allowed so they can know each other but stay within halal bounds. It is good in my opinion. Some are just not meant to get married. Photos or smile phone calls can't tell you about the person. This is the norm here ... Not saying it should be the norm everywhere but we used to do it this way knowing its aadvatngaes and disadvantages. 

Divorce before kids and before intemicay tends to be lighter, even has better social perception and girl has higher chances of getting remarried. 

The length of the period depends on their conditions. Some study abroad and thus the marriage is delayed till he or she comes back. Some are still in high school so they ideally wait till school year ends . Jesus some men on this site are in their 30s yet single. A young man should be able to wait for few months.

There are some who are waiting for their flat to get ready. Again it totally depends on how the couple are efficiently managing this. Some move like turtles, some dont have financial means, some dont have time. Some opt for a sort of flat or extension in either parent house as temporary residence, some marry then furnish their flat at their own pace, some marry and live in rented flat. Some marry and each live in separate country lol.

Previously, man won't see his woman except the night of wedding. The night would be their first time to see and talk to each other .... Many of the couples of that era dont like the way things were done and prefer better lives for their kids, better family and better marital peace and harmony.

Yeah and in the past they didn't use to wait, they just had contract done and woah the ceremony next week.

and many of them were young (12-17) men and women and many of them didn't have problem in remarrying (men and women) and many of them were content with the little or just swallow it hard ( sometimes a man or a woman paid really a high price for a failed marriage that she or he couldn't get out of).

And it is not uncommon to hear 2 old people insulting each other despite being married for 50 years or more. I think older and married people on this site should give wiser advices to newly wedded individuals. You won't like a trauma of fails marriage to befall upon your daughter or son.

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23 hours ago, magma said:

With all due respect, why did you have the nikah then? As a cultural engagement? Otherwise you could have waited to make the nikah until the ceremony, if this was going to be a point of contention. Did he give you an indication of this before nikah was made, or did this completely catch you by surprise?

Also what do you mean "im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level."? Is this just cold feet, or do you have serious doubts?

 

We did the nikah so we can freely get in contact with each other instead of the gray haram/halal area and so we can get to know each other better. Adding to that, it's just the way it goes with Arab marriages. There is a couple of months or year or so between the nikah and the wedding party so the couple has time to furniture the house etc. 

I don't have any doubts actually, I mean that I don't want our marriage to be merely a physical one, but I'd want to develop religious intimacy,  intellectual and emotional intimacy too but um afraid with taking this step we would be too focused on just the physical one. 

23 hours ago, magma said:

With all due respect, why did you have the nikah then? As a cultural engagement? Otherwise you could have waited to make the nikah until the ceremony, if this was going to be a point of contention. Did he give you an indication of this before nikah was made, or did this completely catch you by surprise?

Also what do you mean "im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level."? Is this just cold feet, or do you have serious doubts?

 

 

22 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

Dear sister, We had a exactly same thread a few weeks ago. My answer would be the same.

Tell him to seek your father's permission to take you to a vacation for two days and three nights. That is it, if you father allows, then it means your father is ok with it; otherwise your father is not. Obviously no two young man and woman go on two night trip specially when they are in nikah and would remain separate from each other.

 

Salam, thanks for your reply :) 

I just don't understand why I would want to have my father involved. Isn't this more a matter for us to decide, as we're a married couple now? 

21 hours ago, narsis said:

Bismillah.

Salaam.

If your wedding contract is permanent Nikah, to have intercourse is religiously obligatory once in four months.

Ayatullah Sistani says:

"It is not permissible to neglect sexual relations with a young wife for more than four months, unless there is an excuse like unbearable difficulty or harm [in fulfillment of that duty] or unless she agrees to it [that is, forgoes her conjugal rights] or if it was part of their agreement at the time of marriage."

http://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2062/

With Duas.

Narsis.

Is this also the case when we're not living in the same house yet and he's not supporting me financialy and doing his 'part' of the things he should do? 

20 hours ago, LeftCoastMom said:

Oh, Lord...I've been married over thirty years. Sex should never be under pressure,especially your first time, for Pete's sake. He knows what the social norms are, stupid or not. You can tell him to wait or move up your reception day. 

Your first time with your husband...that's one time  especially that you should feel good  and serene about what is happening.

 

 

Also, not sure what this is about?

"#1 is that im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level. How important is this for a step like this? "

Thanks for your reply! 

I'm afraid I gave you the wrong picture of the situation. My husband /fiancee is very understanding and supportive of whatever I choose on this issue and is not pressuring me at all. He's just telling me his opinion and needs and I'm actually very happy we can be honest about this issue. It's just me with the concerns and that's why I wanted to have a second opinion. 

For your second question please see my answer above :) 

18 hours ago, Haji 2003 said:

But the nikah has taken place, they are married. The marriage reception is just some cultural B.S. Feel sorry for her husband TBH. Patience of Job.

I feel sorry for him too. Are you married brother? How would you deal with this and are there any consequences for our spiritual, intellectual and emotional intimacy when we take this step. Are there any cons? 

14 hours ago, Irfani313 said:

Dear all:

With all due respect, following Islam does not make us void of any culture. Islamic laws do not annul general norms of the society. Culturally when a girl leaves her father's home to her husband's, its understood they will have sex without any one's chagrin. But once she is living with her father and a departure is planned for some time later, it is understood that they will remain without intimate touching. Its akin to an unsaid promise a husband has made to wife's father and abiding by any promise is compulsory meaning wajib on every Muslim (man or woman) according to Islam (ufu bil uqood - fulfill your promises - Al-Quran). 

Anybody who is lamenting that since nikah is done, and even if she has not moved out, she still has to give her virginity to him is telling me that since you carry a driving license, and has seen the speed limit to be 35 miles per hour, it is ok to drive at 35 mph while little kids are playing around in the neighborhood. Islamic laws do not tell to you become stupid. Anybody who think so, needs another decade of Islamic learning to accomplish to learn the norms, akhlaq, and adaab of Islam besides the rot of TawziulMasail. 

As far as Nikah done a year before her departure, this is the most beautiful thing a couple could do in the start of their marriage life. I've done it and would recommend it highly. It allowed us to emotionally and mentally connect with each other way before she moved to my house. This also allowed us to be physically close without any hesitations once she moved in because we already had crossed the mental and emotional barriers of two strangers binding in nikah. Needless to say we talked a lot before she moved in and our communication brought a lots of future conflicts into the manageable zone way before we got together. Both for man and woman, the worst sexual experience is when you get physical intimacy without mental and spiritual intimacy. Its like having sex with a robot and feeling puked out on every next move; because the heart is not in it.   

I would highly recommend my kids to do nikah a year or so ahead of getting physically together precisely for the same benefits that we earned. 

Still it won't hurt to stipulate no-sex clause till departure at nikah time so you don't have to go through this crazy talk on SC. 

Thanks for sharing your story :) 

What are your tips and advice for strengthening our spiritual, intellectual and emotional intimacy? 

What would the disadvantages of physical intimacy be for our spiritual, intellectual and emotional intimacy? 

What's the best way to talk to my husband /fiancee about this and what are the tips so make the frustration/situation easier to handle for us? 

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Dear sister:

For mental synchronization, communicate. How many times have you both already talked about in details of the kind of deen you both follow, have discussed the books you both read, of the thoughts you agree or disagree to of certain authors, religious and others, of what part of ibadha you do the most, the dua you read the most, the mosque you attend the most, the mulla you listen to the most, the careers you both would choose, any plans to start a business, what kind of, how would you bring up your daughter, how would you bring up your son, how far and deep your religious morality stands, would you be ok to have your son or daughter to have sex with their spouse before the farewell; it could be anything. Just talk and share your brains with each other.

For your next two questions, let the physical intimacy comes naturally to you both. When a man expresses his love, he progresses gradually, he starts loving your personality first before he loves your body. [The concept of dharaba', or hitting on the woman (some scholars call it having sex without emotional attachment) is recommended only for couples who are on the verge of a breakup; and keeping them intimate physically may serve to save their marriage. This by the way is validated by lots of professional marriage counselors.] As a woman, you will know once his love for your personality will happen. And wait for this until the opposite of this happens as well. He should also give himself time for you to start loving him for his personality as well (had you been in Aqd-Muta, this advice would not be as valid; but for Nikah Da'em this is critical). Until then you both need to keep your distance. If you allow physical intimacy before this, you will allow yourself to be only utilized for your and his physical desires. Nothing wrong with it inherently since you both are halal for each other, but if you want your intimacy to be more deeper and meaningful than just a sexual enjoyment, then wait. From reading your reply, it appears that you yourself are on a slippery slope and may want this to happen.

As far as if this something to do with your father or not, technically your father is still your wali if you are still living under your father's roof and sharing from your father's sustenance. If your husband has started doing his duties as your wali, that is, if he has started taking care of your day to day expenses, then its a different thing. Also its your father who brought you up, he is one who for your own benefit, gave your hand to your husband, don't you think his cultural preferences matter for you to respect? Unless he is not an oppressive father who is delaying your marriage for stupid and non-shari' reasons, why won't you respect certain boundaries once you are in his home? Again, following Islam does not mean you suddenly are out of the cultural norms (shari term would be 'urf) of your surroundings. And if your culture is that prohibitive, then question yourself why are you both not going against the cultural norms for everything else? And why only breaking this particular cultural point of reference? Could it be that you both may not be playing by your own playbook, and make exceptions only when it comes to fulfilling your desires?  

Edited by Irfani313

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