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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Husband/Fiance wants to get intimate before wedding 'reception'

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Salam Alaikum, 

I had my nikah (Islamic marriage) done a while ago and the wedding ceremony will be in about a year or less. This is mosly the case with Arab families, the nikah first and after a while the actual marriage ceremony (party) etc. I've always had in mind to the have the first time real intimate moment (intercourse) after the actual wedding ceremony, as most girls I know do this and what is expected from our culture and thus families (and I think girls from similar culture too) but my husband/fiancee is saying he doesn't want to wait this long. We are both virgin, both 26, and he's saying its frustrating for him to wait for so long.

I have 3 issues with this which i would love to hear the input of the members and especially married brothers and sisters

#1 is that im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level. How important is this for a step like this? 
#2 im really afraid of getting pregnant (even while using whatever contraceptive methods available) in the time being as it will mean that our families and the whole community will know about this. And while it is not haram, as we are husband and wife, its not accepted culturally. 
#3 What are the pros and cons of starting intimacy before the wedding reception, as it will be in a year or so? 

The first time is a really big deal and while i feel that im ready my mind is telling me not to as I might regret it later.  I hope the story is clear :)

Thanks in advance :)

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13 minutes ago, Tawheed313 said:

Have and open and honest discussion with each other about this. This should be the first thing you do.

We already have. He's not seeing why we should wait while we can enjoy each other now after waiting all these years, and actually I do see his point.

I feel im being selfish when I turn him down as everything is halal, I'm just afraid of the consequences for both our relationship and culturally. Input from married brothers and sisters on how this would/could affect our marriage later on would be very much appreciated.  

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A big NO.

Don't do it.

If he can't wait that long, bring the wedding date closer. But it is always advised to follow the urf (norms) if you don't want any trouble.

I know every situation is different but intimacy is best handled when you're living under the same roof. Couples don't realise this in the heat of moment, figuratively speaking, but distance almost always causes issues later on.

The first year is formative and very difficult. Marriage is no bed of roses. Handle it with utmost tact. I have seen too many couples mess up things early on.

My two cents.

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With all due respect, why did you have the nikah then? As a cultural engagement? Otherwise you could have waited to make the nikah until the ceremony, if this was going to be a point of contention. Did he give you an indication of this before nikah was made, or did this completely catch you by surprise?

Also what do you mean "im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level."? Is this just cold feet, or do you have serious doubts?

 

Edited by magma

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it is halal. i've heard of a number who went pregnant before the wedding party. i'd go with earlier wedding day. If you can't afford the party expenses, cancel it and replace it with lavish honeymoon instead of wasting it on feeding big bellies.

If your mom want to celebrate, let her made her own party and celebrate.

 

Notice that some troubles occurs. Some men are jerks even f they looked gentle :

1- If you gave up to me then you are cheap

2- If you gave up to me then you can also give up to other men

3- I can't be sure this child is mine

4- The man dies, the family of the  man says : This is not our child, you weren't married yet.

5- This is really embarrassing , if you broke the contract ...then you'd need a medical check to provide it to the judge to make sure you are virgin or not if any intimacy happened.

 

It is not haram but really isn't the best option.

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3 minutes ago, Chaotic Muslem said:

it is halal. i've heard of a number who went pregnant before the wedding party. i'd go with earlier wedding day. If you can't afford the party expenses, cancel it and replace it with lavish honeymoon instead of wasting it on feeding big bellies.

If your mom want to celebrate, let her made her own party and celebrate.

 

Notice that some troubles occurs. Some men are jerks even f they looked gentle :

1- If you gave up to me then you are cheap

2- If you gave up to me then you can also give up to other men

3- I can't be sure this child is mine

4- The man dies, the family of the  man says : This is not our child, you weren't married yet.

5- This is really embarrassing , if you broke the contract ...then you'd need a medical check to provide it to the judge to make sure you are virgin or not if any intimacy happened.

 

It is not haram but really isn't the best option.

Sorry, but whilst I agree that some men can be 'jerks' I think that you are being too harsh, on points 2 & 3 especially, point 1 is a little harsh as well, we don't know the mentality of her husband, he could have perfectly valid reasons for this.

(Also, is there really a need for either the party or the 'honey moon' to be lavish?)

 

Although clearly, as with that other recent thread, with the wedding party so far away, it would be a terrible idea, as a lot can happen in a year, feelings change quick, especially with all these hormones flying around.

 

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Dear sister, We had a exactly same thread a few weeks ago. My answer would be the same.

Tell him to seek your father's permission to take you to a vacation for two days and three nights. That is it, if you father allows, then it means your father is ok with it; otherwise your father is not. Obviously no two young man and woman go on two night trip specially when they are in nikah and would remain separate from each other.

 

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I apologize if I go slightly off-topic, but why do these wedding ceremonies take a year to plan? Why exactly does it take that long? Or is it delayed for the benefit of organizers and guests, rather than the interests of the couple themselves? Even if its delayed because of school reasons, etc, there's no excuse. For a permanent nikah, there should be an all-or-nothing approach here. Either you are fully married and can do everything, or you are not married and can do nothing. It's unnatural to be "in between" like this. If certain restrictions or nuances of time or activities are needed, then mutah is available, which has to be respectfully agreed by both parties. But by definition, that's best for temporary use, and an unrestricted permanent nikah is always favorable when possible.

Why can't there be a very simple Islamic nikah ceremony (planned in one week), you live as a fully married couple, and then maybe have a nice anniversary party a few years later when things settle down better? The celebration could mean something, like acknowledging a blessed married couple that has been doing well for a few years, who can get further encouragements.

Edited by magma

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16 minutes ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Sorry, but whilst I agree that some men can be 'jerks' I think that you are being too harsh, on points 2 & 3 especially, point 1 is a little harsh as well, we don't know the mentality of her husband, he could have perfectly valid reasons for this.

(Also, is there really a need for either the party or the 'honey moon' to be lavish?)

 

Although clearly, as with that other recent thread, with the wedding party so far away, it would be a terrible idea, as a lot can happen in a year, feelings change quick, especially with all these hormones flying around.

 

Dear brother, the examples above are real life situations that happened!

And if women can't be tricked by some men, we won't hear such silly stories!

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Having been in a similar position like the OP, I strongly advise you not to get intimate before your wedding reception. We got intimate and eventually our wedding didn't happen. I am not saying anything of that sort would happen with you. But its better to follow society's norms and wait for the reception. I didn't wait and now that things didn't work out I regret getting intimate with my wife. 

May Allah bless you with a happy married life. I was also a believer of nikkah first and wedding reception a few months later but after what I have gone through I strongly suggest that you expedite your reception. 

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Bismillah.

Salaam.

If your wedding contract is permanent Nikah, to have intercourse is religiously obligatory once in four months.

Ayatullah Sistani says:

"It is not permissible to neglect sexual relations with a young wife for more than four months, unless there is an excuse like unbearable difficulty or harm [in fulfillment of that duty] or unless she agrees to it [that is, forgoes her conjugal rights] or if it was part of their agreement at the time of marriage."

http://www.sistani.org/english/book/46/2062/

With Duas.

Narsis.

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Oh, Lord...I've been married over thirty years. Sex should never be under pressure,especially your first time, for Pete's sake. He knows what the social norms are, stupid or not. You can tell him to wait or move up your reception day. 

Your first time with your husband...that's one time  especially that you should feel good  and serene about what is happening.

 

 

Also, not sure what this is about?

"#1 is that im not sure we have the right base as a couple on the intellectual, religious and emotional level. How important is this for a step like this? "

Edited by LeftCoastMom
Added quote

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2 hours ago, seekingadvice1 said:

We got intimate and eventually our wedding didn't happen.

But the nikah has taken place, they are married. The marriage reception is just some cultural B.S. Feel sorry for her husband TBH. Patience of Job.

Edited by Haji 2003

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