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In the Name of God بسم الله

Sex addiction/need advice.

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Salam,

I'm sort of new to shiachat. Ive been following it for some months now but this is my first time to post. 

Basically Im in a mut3a marriage with someone for the past 9 months. Since day one i was infatuated by him, he was everything i was looking for in a man and more. But as time went by i discovered he would be texting and flirting and sometimes even masturbating to other women. Mind you, this man is a firm believer, he is a true shia. He admits his sins. He admits its wrong. He says hes an addict. He says i should either be able to handle it (until it he can change) or leave him, but i should not make our lives miserable by fighting with him, spying and crying all the time. He also doesnt know if he really wants to continue with me cuz of all the pain im going through. 

My issue is im in love with this man. I look at him and i see my future. Im willing to do anything to make things work. But it seems my jealousy is ruining our lives. I know that its 7alal for him to have mut3a marriages with others, but his actions baffle me as i never thought he would be the man who leads on other women and destroys lives and hurt people. This man who fears God so much yet his actions contradict everything he taught me about our beautiful religion. 

I was lost before him and i found my faith through him and now im so angry and lost.

I need advice on how to curb my anger and jealousy. And if i should leave him or not. 

 

I pray to God every day to help us both.

Al salam, 

 

 

Edited by Al Sharifa Layla
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Salam, He is not going to change. He clearly has no respect for you or the moral and religious principles laid down by islam. Having multiple mutahs might be halal but

He does not like you to question his ways. He is basically telling you to accept his promiscuous lifestyle for the sake of your relationship. Run...

Salam, I've been following up with this post since yesterday to see what you will have to answer to the posts. Dear sister, you should think that maybe God has sent this person to your life to save yo

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Salam, 

Thank you for replying. 

This man really wants to be the best version of himself. He is a good man. So good that i cannot imagine my life without him. His only flaw is this weakness. But i fear im wasting my time and love and energy on a lost cause. 

So is masturbating really not 7alal? How about having mutliple interests in many women at the same time. Is it normal? Are all men like that? 

 

He says all men need many women.

 

Im extremely lost here.

 

shukran, salam. 

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Thank you for your advice. 

Its very very hard for me to become calm enough to do all those things wisely. 

Im so passionate and he's not that much into love and romance which makes it all so much harder for me. 

The current result is that my self esteem, confidence and self love are shattered. 

 

I know i sound childish but im at a loss here.

Is all this 7alal in the eyes of God? 

 

Thank you w alsalam 

 

 

Edited by magma
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Bismillah.

Salaam sister.

As you know this problem is almost epidemic among young persons (boy and girl, married or single). There are many issues that must be considered. Firstly I have to know if marriage could control his addiction at the first period of your marital time. Was he addicted before getting married? How many times does he do that action in a week? What specific reasons end him to do that (pornography, being alone, being jobless, mental stress, physical exhaustion or etc.)? What are your strategies to prevent him? And many other questions that someone like me have to know in order to be able to solve the problem.

My suggestion to you is to refer to a marriage consultant or message me privately.

I pray for you and your marriage to be persistent.

With Duas.

Narsis.

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44 minutes ago, starlight said:

Having multiple mutahs might be halal

I respectfully disagree. I think it's very likely to be haraam.

We need to clean up how how people understand morality and this religion. People are getting the wrong impression - even by visiting this forum.

Edit: I noticed that you used the word 'might', which means that you may have intended conditionality.

Edited by Muhammed Ali
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22 minutes ago, narsis said:

Bismillah.

Salaam sister.

As you know this problem is almost epidemic among young persons (boy and girl, married or single). There are many issues that must be considered. Firstly I have to know if marriage could control his addiction at the first period of your marital time. Was he addicted before getting married? How many times does he do that action in a week? What specific reasons end him to do that (pornography, being alone, being jobless, mental stress, physical exhaustion or etc.)? What are your strategies to prevent him? And many other questions that someone like me have to know in order to be able to solve the problem.

My suggestion to you is to refer to a marriage consultant or message me privately.

I pray for you and your marriage to be persistent.

With Duas.

Narsis.

Salam brother,

To answer your questions -

He was the same from before we met, only i wasnt aware of it. It happened that i found out about some woman then many more came after. He admits it was happening all along our marriage. And that i was happy when i didnt know about it even thought it was happening. I think its a weekly thing, that he chats with these women, maybe daily. He did mut3a with another woman while we were together and then says he ended it. Im not sure what are his reasons, i keep asking him and he always answers "i dont know" and "i dont want to talk about it" these answers logically hurt me even more and confuse me and we end up fighting for days and i cry day and night. 

My strategies were to show him how much i love and appreciate him. To give him everything i can. To forgive him. To be willing to listen to his reasons. But nothing works. 

 

Im not sure he would agree to seeing a marriage consultant. 

But am i sinning against myself if i stay with him?

 

shukran w salam

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15 minutes ago, Muhammed Ali said:

I respectfully disagree. I think it's very likely to be haraam.

We need to clean up how how people understand morality and this religion. People are getting the wrong impression - even by visiting this forum.

Edit: I noticed that you used the word 'might', which means that you may have intended conditionality.

Salam,

Thank you for saying that. When i was introduced to the idea by him i was hesitant as i was new to it, but then i saw the blessing of mut3a yet i tried to explain to him that it is in fact 7aram to lead many women on and break hearts and wound people even if its under the umbrella of 7alal. 

As i tell him all the time, its 7aram to leave behind a trail of dead bodies out of lust and "i dont knows".

to be fair, he doesnt love me like i love him the passionate way. He says hes with me cuz he trusts me and im a good person. 

Shukran w salam

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30 minutes ago, magma said:

Since this is affecting you significantly, and you understand your limitations, I would recommend getting sound advice from good, trusted sources who can analyze your situation in depth. The questions narsis asked above seem very important.

God protect everybody.

who might be trusted sources?

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7 minutes ago, notme said:

Leave him, immediately. Addiction is not a valid excuse. If he cared anything about you he would care about your feelings. You deserve better. 

It will hurt, but it will hurt more if you delay. The end is inevitable.

He wants me to leave him. He says im not his prisoner and if im that unhappy we should part ways. This breaks my heart :( is there no way he can change by time? 

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10 minutes ago, Al Sharifa Layla said:

He wants me to leave him. He says im not his prisoner and if im that unhappy we should part ways. This breaks my heart :( is there no way he can change by time? 

No, you can't expect that, especially if you continue the same with him. Heartbreak hurts, but isn't fatal, and inshallah you will be wiser and more compassionate for having experienced this pain. If he had a spine, he would cut contact with you himself instead of demanding it of you.

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1 minute ago, notme said:

No, you can't expect that, especially if you continue the same with him. Heartbreak hurts, but isn't fatal, and inshallah you will be wiser and more compassionate for having experienced this pain. If he had a spine, he would cut contact with you himself instead of demanding it of you.

I think he will soon. I think my pain is going to lead him to leave me even if i dont want it. And i know heart break isnt fatal, but its very sad to see my life with him end. 

 

shukran, w salam

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2 minutes ago, Al Sharifa Layla said:

I think he will soon. I think my pain is going to lead him to leave me even if i dont want it. And i know heart break isnt fatal, but its very sad to see my life with him end. 

 

shukran, w salam

I understand, dear sister. May this experience bring you closer to Allah, and may your period of mourning be as easy as possible.

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29 minutes ago, Al Sharifa Layla said:

Salam brother,

To answer your questions -

He was the same from before we met, only i wasnt aware of it. It happened that i found out about some woman then many more came after. He admits it was happening all along our marriage. And that i was happy when i didnt know about it even thought it was happening. I think its a weekly thing, that he chats with these women, maybe daily. He did mut3a with another woman while we were together and then says he ended it. Im not sure what are his reasons, i keep asking him and he always answers "i dont know" and "i dont want to talk about it" these answers logically hurt me even more and confuse me and we end up fighting for days and i cry day and night. 

My strategies were to show him how much i love and appreciate him. To give him everything i can. To forgive him. To be willing to listen to his reasons. But nothing works. 

 

Im not sure he would agree to seeing a marriage consultant. 

But am i sinning against myself if i stay with him?

 

shukran w salam

Can you convince him to speak with me? If he really loves you must do everything to preserve this marriage.

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this is the problem when you fall in "love" based on looks/impressions/material things 

you start to sacrifice everything including religious morals and values just to keep what you "love"

it really is just silly to me that somebody can say i "love" so and so or this and that when it is doing you damage 

it really is funny

like how people say "i love cigarettes" when they know its killing them 

it just shows how people are so hypocritical in nature and have issues with duality within themselves 

the solution is actually quiet simple 

learn to look past "physical attractions/things" and you will see the truth in your own self and this person 

right now your looking at the surface which could be reflecting something you are seeing inside your own self(and not letting go) and never really looked or seen this person in reality before , you dont even know him nor what he looks like

Edited by mightymask
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Al sharifa layla, a man having many girls? if he needs such a thing tell him about hoor al ayn, im not joking here i am serious, ppl like me and others have forgotten how real jannah is, this should be a reminder of myself first,  i do not want you to get hurt, it is better if you could take him to marriage counselor, shia marriage counselor even talk with a scholar about this issue, i and i can speak for girls would never like it if my husband cheats on me or looks at other women, etc, etc  what happens if you end up having a child, do you really want that child to see that, let me tell all SC members out here, i am a victim of growing up in a home where i had as seen this flirtatious relationship and it hurt my family members and me to the depth of a core 

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4 hours ago, Al Sharifa Layla said:

Salam, 

Thank you for replying. 

This man really wants to be the best version of himself. He is a good man. So good that i cannot imagine my life without him. His only flaw is this weakness. But i fear im wasting my time and love and energy on a lost cause. 

So is masturbating really not 7alal? How about having mutliple interests in many women at the same time. Is it normal? Are all men like that? 

 

He says all men need many women.

 

Im extremely lost here.

 

shukran, salam. 

When you are involved with someone it is difficult to imagine a life without them, but as I have said before, everyone moves on and are eventually glad they did.

There are men out there who do not have such addictions, at least not on such a severe level,  you have to realize that this is not a trivial matter, you are lucky you do not have children as it would probably be a lot worse. Men of such nature hardly change, and even if they can change, it isn't your responsibility to sit there and suffer while hoping for an extremely unlikely possibility.  If anything you should be firm and clear with your expectations and offer one opportunity for the man to correct his behavior. In 99.9% of cases like your own it is always best to move on and be strong, you will thank yourself later.

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Dear Sister:

Learn to checkmate a lawyer with the law. Strategies, first talk to an alim (Shia scholar), then bring him to that scholar and discuss his ways. That being said,  I can tell you, there is no black and white when it comes to a man contracting various muta unions even when he is in a permanent union. Also being sex obsessed for a man (and a woman too) is not a bad thing either in itself, I assume most men are sex obsessed, and in my humble opinion, if they are not, I don't know what's wrong with them. In Islam sex is not bad. In fact in Islam having sex is an extremely recommended act as long as it is done in halal. Flip the coin and in Islam haram sex is a sin of the biggest magnitude. In other words, sex is good, a person is judged by the method with which one comes to it. 

The core problem here is not his number of mutas or his sex obsession, it is his not giving respect to you, to your emotions, or to your wishes, and to your presence. The other big red flag I see is, this person contracts muta with women and still masturbates. Meaning he has halal options available, he does halal things, and then on top of it he does haram. Another big red flag is, and you will be the judge of it is, is he contracting aqd muta with non-muslim women while you are with him as a muslim woman?

The critical advice here is, based on the teachings of Islam, all your LOVES should be only for the sakeof Allah swt and all your DISLIKES should only be for the sake of Allah swt.

You fell in love with him, in the love of the Lord of the Universes (you married him for his Islam), but later on he proved that he was not the man of God, instead he proved he was the man of his self. Now you need to make a decision, to what extent he is the man of God and to what extent, he is the man of his self. Then you need to decide if you want to keep loving him in the love of God or dislike him in the love of God. 

Had he been doing only muta which is halal, and no haram (absolutely forbidden) acts such as masturbation (and probably porn too which you may or may not know about), then my suggestion would have been different. I won't jump the gun since we don't live with him, but you do, you pick if this is the time to kick him out of your life and move on.  

 

 

 

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I'd like to point out to members that this post is in the sisters' forum. Unless a male site member has a very compelling reason to post, he should refrain. 

Quite a few of the above posts are from men, perhaps more men than women.

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9 hours ago, Al Sharifa Layla said:

Salam,

I'm sort of new to shiachat. Ive been following it for some months now but this is my first time to post. 

Basically Im in a mut3a marriage with someone for the past 9 months. Since day one i was infatuated by him, he was everything i was looking for in a man and more. But as time went by i discovered he would be texting and flirting and sometimes even masturbating to other women. Mind you, this man is a firm believer, he is a true shia. He admits his sins. He admits its wrong. He says hes an addict. He says i should either be able to handle it (until it he can change) or leave him, but i should not make our lives miserable by fighting with him, spying and crying all the time. He also doesnt know if he really wants to continue with me cuz of all the pain im going through. 

My issue is im in love with this man. I look at him and i see my future. Im willing to do anything to make things work. But it seems my jealousy is ruining our lives. I know that its 7alal for him to have mut3a marriages with others, but his actions baffle me as i never thought he would be the man who leads on other women and destroys lives and hurt people. This man who fears God so much yet his actions contradict everything he taught me about our beautiful religion. 

I was lost before him and i found my faith through him and now im so angry and lost.

I need advice on how to curb my anger and jealousy. And if i should leave him or not. 

 

I pray to God every day to help us both.

Al salam, 

 

 

The issue isn't your "jealousy," it is his lecherous nature.  If you had been doing the same he would probably throw a fit.  I am under the belief that you can only have one mutah, but perhaps I am mistaken. I know that if you have one permanent wife, you can only have one mutah. Multiple mutahs is falsely hiding behind a halal union to live one's haram fantasies. Keep in mind, the woman you conduct mutah with is still your WIFE, it seems he perceives mutah as a girlfriend/boyfriend situation. In order to really determine whether or not he is "addicted" to sex he would have to see a doctor/psychiatrist. Some individuals claim addiction as a vain excuse for one's inability to control oneself.  I would leave him honestly, these sort of cheaters, never change.

 

While women should not feel jealousy or abstain from it, can you really say Muhammad (pbuh) would look upon this man's doings as appropriate or Islamic? Would the imams (as) conduct these sort of unions, disrespecting faithful Muslim women in such a manner. You are a good, faithful, and pious Muslim women, you deserve better. Allah swt will provide you with better, inshallah.

 

It's one thing for a man to have a permanent wife, and then marry a sister in need (i.e. widowed, poor, etc.), and another thing for a man to constinously seek mutah whenever he feels "bored."

 

Also, a real sex addiction would result in a lack of passion/difficulty to feel "satisfied" despite how many times the individual enages in sex, and "you know." Sex addiction makes one feel empty, that he/she is burdened by this addiction; there is no "pleasure" persay in this addiction. Imagine those who are addicted to alcohol, it controls them, and they have an apathy and disdain towards drinking, yet they cannot stop.

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He doesn't even have the virtue of honesty if he really tells you to wait until he changes. Seriously I don't get why such men marry.

Religion is not to be attached to people. We learn about it from people, but one sign of intellectual maturity is to be able to separate people and religion.

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59 minutes ago, Bakir said:

He doesn't even have the virtue of honesty if he really tells you to wait until he changes. Seriously I don't get why such men marry.

Religion is not to be attached to people. We learn about it from people, but one sign of intellectual maturity is to be able to separate people and religion.

he must really have some "quality" that this dunya celebrates 

and women are very stupid, they can literally have any man they want, but they get obsessed with the one that treats them like hell

usually psychologists have talked about this issue where certain women are attracted to guys who treat them like absolute rubbish, and that is because they have very DEEP seeded psychological issues of their own which they never overcame but pushed somewhere to the side inside of themselves 

and they accepted this bad treatment they received at some point in their life(or some interval in their life) and later on in life when they got rid of it, they nevertheless always sought after it and never actually moved on from the problem, with the ending result being this(OP) 

this woman has deep seeded psychological issues from some bad experience in her life , and hence her not being able to let go of a person(or even worse seeking after such a person) that is actually treating her badly is something she is doing subconsciously which is not letting go of her original problem 

these psychological issues which she has deep down hidden and ignored is surfacing over and over again and she is intentionally looking for such men

and i bet you this aint the first time this happened to her , she probably has had this situation time and time again 

really nobody can help her except her own self, she must learn to let go what is hurting her and CHANGE and 180 degrees

this is a very common psychological effect with women, they get abused/used/hurt and they become accustomed/addicted to it and seek after it their whole lives sometimes even unknowingly , because they think that anythign else is too nice for them or too good for them or will expose them

if she were to meet a person who treats her good and is fair and normal and faithful, she would leave him and run away from him 

it is a VERY common problem with women 

its kind of like "i think i am so ugly so i have to be with an even uglier person so that my ugliness is not shown" despite that they might actually be the most beautiful

so again she must deal with her psychological issues, otherwise she will be stuck in this hell forever

Edited by mightymask
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12 minutes ago, mightymask said:

this woman has deep seeded psychological issues from some bad time interval in her life , and hence her not being able to let go of a person(or even worse seeking after such a person) that is actually treating her badly is something she is doing subconsciously which is not letting go of her original problem 

bad issues which she has deep down hidden or ignored is surfacing over and over again and she is intentionally looking for such men

and i bet you this aint the first time this happened to her , she probably has had this situation time and time again 

really nobody can help her except her help her own self

this is a very common psychological effect with women, they get abused/used/hurt and they become accustomed to it and seek after it their whole lives sometimes even unknowingly 

Well, this is called pop psychology. We love doing it with others, because it gives easy answers, but reality is always much more nuanced.

Please do not be too certain what is and isn't the cause of the OP's behaviour.

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34 minutes ago, mightymask said:

he must really have some "quality" that this dunya celebrates 

and women are very stupid, they can literally have any man they want, but they get obsessed with the one that treats them like hell

usually psychologists have talked about this issue where certain women are attracted to guys who treat them like absolute rubbish, and that is because they have very DEEP seeded psychological issues of their own which they never overcame but pushed somewhere to the side inside of themselves 

and they accepted this bad treatment they received at some point in their life(or some interval in their life) and later on in life when they got rid of it, they nevertheless always sought after it and never actually moved on from the problem, with the ending result being this(OP) 

this woman has deep seeded psychological issues from some bad experience in her life , and hence her not being able to let go of a person(or even worse seeking after such a person) that is actually treating her badly is something she is doing subconsciously which is not letting go of her original problem 

these psychological issues which she has deep down hidden and ignored is surfacing over and over again and she is intentionally looking for such men

and i bet you this aint the first time this happened to her , she probably has had this situation time and time again 

really nobody can help her except her own self, she must learn to let go what is hurting her and CHANGE and 180 degrees

this is a very common psychological effect with women, they get abused/used/hurt and they become accustomed/addicted to it and seek after it their whole lives sometimes even unknowingly , because they think that anythign else is too nice for them or too good for them or will expose them

if she were to meet a person who treats her good and is fair and normal and faithful, she would leave him and run away from him 

it is a VERY common problem with women 

its kind of like "i think i am so ugly so i have to be with an even uglier person so that my ugliness is not shown" despite that they might actually be the most beautiful

so again she must deal with her psychological issues, otherwise she will be stuck in this hell forever

I would refrain from haphazardly psychoanalyzing the OP. Another member did this to me once, telling me that I "enjoyed" being abused. It is absolute rubbish and shifts the blame entirely to the victim.  

 

I would also refrain from calling women "stupid" within  the sisters forum, it is disrespectful especially given the situation of the OP. Lastly, most people will maintain feelings for any partner and overlook faults because they believe that this individual has the capacity to change, or they wish the individual would change. Some people feel it is their "fault." This is a natural human behavior that is not limited to the female sex.

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As-salamun-alykum sister,

 

I am sorry to here about your situation. Inshallah, I pray that Allah (SWT) does whats best for you. I have a few words of advice that I would like to pass on.

Firstly you need to clarify with your husband if he actually wants to quit and be committed to you. If he hates what he does and wants to quit, but he is unable to quit, that there is definitely solutions out there. Contrary to what people are saying on this forum, a chronic sex addict can recover. If he is unable to quit because he does not want to quit, then I agree with forum users in that it is a doomed relationship. If the muta was a once in a while thing that he did, then I would understand. But if he is chronically addicted to muta and self-stimulation, and he does not want to quit, then perhaps your better of not being with this person.

 

Please let me know if he wants to quit but he is unable to, and I can guide you in the appropriate towards a path to recovery, inshallah.

 

Salman

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Salam sisters,

I couldn't read everyone's posts but what I can tell you is that he is controlling you big time. You are in a prison you don't even realize, you are living an illusion and you have been so affected by it that you have lost judgement between right and wrong. 

For you to ask if masturbation ir really haram that tells me you have lost grasp of reality. You are so confused because he somehow manages to control you and tell you the things you want to hear.

Sister, as hard as it is you must break out of this prison, he has wired your brain in a certain way and that's why you believe it's almost impossible to leave and you think you can help him change. No sister, it doesn't work like that.

Please leave asap and Allah swt will help you. 

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Seems pretty clear to me he is using you as a safe bet, a girl who he'll always have around. The "you can leave if you want" thing is a semi-bluff; he knows he'll be all right but at the same time he definitely doesn't want it to happen cuz you make things easier for him. You probably will never believe something like this because of your love for him, so good luck I guess.

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Salam Sisters and Brothers,

Shukran for all the replies, advice and du3a2s. I was not able to answer earlier as Im a new user and there is a quota of times per 24hrs that i can post - which im sure you all know about - i was reading your posts through out the day and it made me feel so much blessed that i was able to share my troubles with people that are ready to support and do not judge, thanks to Allah.

i will reply to each post individually and i hope i manage to stay strong.

 

Salam

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16 hours ago, mightymask said:

he must really have some "quality" that this dunya celebrates 

and women are very stupid, they can literally have any man they want, but they get obsessed with the one that treats them like hell

usually psychologists have talked about this issue where certain women are attracted to guys who treat them like absolute rubbish, and that is because they have very DEEP seeded psychological issues of their own which they never overcame but pushed somewhere to the side inside of themselves 

and they accepted this bad treatment they received at some point in their life(or some interval in their life) and later on in life when they got rid of it, they nevertheless always sought after it and never actually moved on from the problem, with the ending result being this(OP) 

this woman has deep seeded psychological issues from some bad experience in her life , and hence her not being able to let go of a person(or even worse seeking after such a person) that is actually treating her badly is something she is doing subconsciously which is not letting go of her original problem 

these psychological issues which she has deep down hidden and ignored is surfacing over and over again and she is intentionally looking for such men

and i bet you this aint the first time this happened to her , she probably has had this situation time and time again 

really nobody can help her except her own self, she must learn to let go what is hurting her and CHANGE and 180 degrees

this is a very common psychological effect with women, they get abused/used/hurt and they become accustomed/addicted to it and seek after it their whole lives sometimes even unknowingly , because they think that anythign else is too nice for them or too good for them or will expose them

if she were to meet a person who treats her good and is fair and normal and faithful, she would leave him and run away from him 

it is a VERY common problem with women 

its kind of like "i think i am so ugly so i have to be with an even uglier person so that my ugliness is not shown" despite that they might actually be the most beautiful

so again she must deal with her psychological issues, otherwise she will be stuck in this hell forever

Salam,

well first of all, it might be true that this is not the first time i've been hurt before in some what the same way but by no means does it indicate that i enjoy or seek this kind of relationship. all humans have deep rooted issues. women and men alike. i would say that his addiction stems from a deep rooted issue as well. but that does not mean we go around seeking pain. 

i would never leave a good man. and other from his weakness, he is a good man in the eyes of many and hopefully for his sake God as well. but again, i would never ever leave a good man because im a good woman. it just happens so that i fell in love with someone who causes me a lot of pain and that his issues clash with my issues (mainly insecurity). 

women are not stupid. women are much more emotionally intelligent than men and its unfair to say that cause they can get any man they choose to stay with the ones who hurt them.

love is a complicated thing and i know i am a weak person and i should walk away from such pain. maybe i will, its better to pray for me that to say hurtful words about women.

thank you brother.

salam

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