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In the Name of God بسم الله

Still Brokenhearted...

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YaaAllah

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Hmm, I did not say that all women are available, how did you interpret my sentence like that?

What I asked was what it was about her that made her so desirable that you cannot move on, is it something special about her? Something that separates her so much in comparison with other women that you cannot move on? I think your mind is playing tricks on you and that you are building up something that is not there and letting your imagination play future scenarios of how good life would be if this and that.

 

In truth none of us are special and we should never glorify someone to the degree where we become obsessed with them.

What you are looking for is the mother of your children, do you consider bad temper and childishness a good thing in that case?

 

If you are so hellbent on marrying her, give it 1 more go but then leave her forever and move on. You've been back and forth with this woman for like more than 2 years now, come on, what are you doing?

When it comes to the absolute majority of humans there are a couple of things you can always count on, their greed and their ability to forget, shes already meeting someone ells so obviously she is moving on and forgetting about you, so if you get one more rejection then just forget about it:

 

 

Whatever you decide to to do, do it now and stop wasting your time and energy without reaching any conclusion.

 

 

Thank you for your honesty. I want to do this, give it one last shot and if it doesnt work, move on with my life. 

Salam Alaykum,

 

I apologize beforehand if this will come off a little harsh, but it's only because I care:) 

 

Bro, get a grip on yourself. The fact that she is getting to know someone else should serve as a.....HINT (and I mean a big one) that you really need to move on. Your time is precious; your life is precious. You're wasting time and energy on literally nothingness. 

 

Learn from this experience, and this is to everyone: Do NOT befriend a non-Mahram/get close to a non-Mahram for the excuse of "getting to know them" for "marriage purposes". Why? There are a plethora of reasons, but I'll just name a couple:

 

 

1) Because you are a human being--you have feelings and emotions--they will develop. They will blind you; they will deafen you. 

 

Hadith of the Prophet (S):

 

When you like something, you will become blind and deaf.

 

You will no longer be in tune with the flaws of the person....Don't Do It.

 

2) Your niyyah and intention are awesome--the intention to get married Inshallah...right? Ok, so if you're constantly blinded by this person (who is not reciprocating the same interest...in any way whatsoever) then you are blinded...to other potential sisters who may be a million times more suitable for you. That's right....you're losing your chances to actually getting married in the first place.

 

All right, so now what to do? Two-part solution:

 

1) Really purify your intentions and niyyah--to get married and complete half of your deen. Pray for it constantly, make Dua for it constantly....from the bottom of your heart....BUT do not expect anything. In other words, you express to Allah your desire to get married, but you do not expect like a deadline for this to happen or anything specifically--that is for Allah to decide what is best for all of us. 

 

Emam Reza: Whenever the fulfillment of your wish, and the absence thereof, results in the same amount of satisfaction for you, you are very close to getting the fulfillment of your wish.  

 

 

According to Emam Ali: For all men who have made the intent to get married, recite the following prayer:

 

2 Rakat: in each rakat, after Fatiha, recite Surah Yasin. After the prayer praise Allah and recite the following Dua: (words in parenthesis are meant as the substitute words for women to recite)

 

اللَّهُمَّ ارْزُقْنِی زَوْجَةً ً صَالِحَةً  (زوجاً صالحاً)     Oh Allah Please grant me a righteous and extremely kind spouse

وَدُوداً Loving

وَلُوداً child-bearing

شَکُوراً thankful

غَیُوراً ardent 

إِنْ أَحْسَنْتُ شَکَرَتْ (شَکَرَ )If I do good to her (him) she (he) is thankful

وَ إِنْ أَسَأْتُ غَفَرَتْ  ( غَفَرَ) and if I did wrong, she (he) forgives me

وَ إِنْ ذَکَرْتُ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى أَعَانَتْ ( أَعَانَ) and if I remember you, she (he) joins me

وَ إِنْ نَسِیتُ ذَکَّرَتْ (ذَکَّرَ )and if I forget to remember you, she (he) reminds me

وَ إِنْ خَرَجْتُ مِنْ عِنْدِهَا حَفِظَتْ (مِنْ عِنْدِهِ حَفِظَ) and if I leave her presence, she (he) is protective

وَ إِنْ دَخَلْتُ عَلَیْهَا سَرَّتْنِی‏ (عَلَیْه سَرَّنِی) and when I enter upon her, she (he) makes me happy

وَ إِنْ أَمَرْتُهَا أَطَاعَتْنِی ( أَمَرْتُهُ أَطَاعَنِی ) and if I make a commandment, she (he) abides

وَ إِنْ أَقْسَمْتُ عَلَیْهَا أَبَرَّتْ قَسَمِی ( عَلَیْه أَبَرَّ قَسَمِی) and if I swear to her (him) about something, she (he) accepts my oath

وَ إِنْ غَضِبْتُ عَلَیْهَا أَرْضَتْنِی (عَلَیْه أَرْضَنِی) and if I become upset at her (him), she makes me calm 

یَا ذَا الْجَلَالِ وَ الْإِکْرَامِ هَبْ لِی ذَلِکَ فَإِنَّمَا أَسْأَلُکَهُ وَ لَا آخُذُ إِلَّا مَا مَنَنْتَ وَ أَعْطَیْتَ Oh Lord of Majesty and Bounty! Grant me as such for indeed I ask of you and I can not take except that which you bestow and grant upon me

 
Imam Ali: whoever says the above will attain what he has asked
بحار الأنوار (ط - بیروت)، ج‏100، ص: 26
Source: 
 
 

 

2) Whenever you see her image in your mind, hold on to it for a couple seconds, black her image out, and shoot it away (such is the power of our thoughts and imagination). Repeat a few times. Do this before going to sleep as well. You should be able to forget her in a couple weeks.

 

Source: Psychology and religious professor (Dr. Farhang)

Do you have this prayer in transliteration? my pronoucniation of the arabic language is not so good. 

 

Brother. This is something what happened to me. I and this girl I loved her back 10 yr ago I always tried my best to get her marry me but she reject and refuse me I was hope less felt so depereated I tried every thing. So I moved away see if she will calls me but figures she moved on so I had to. 2 years later I found the love of my life we are married and have a daughter alhumdella. Brother if she reject u more than 3 time move on be patient Allah will find u beter wife than her inshallah.

I was thinking about the same thing, moving away or doing whatever just to get her attention somehow. But I dont know if it will ever work...

I dream of her every night. Last night, for the first time I dreamt the she did NOT reject me. For the first time.... But we shouldnt let dreams play games with our minds, because they just might be what they are... just a dream...

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Salam Alaykum Brother,

 

Go ahead and read the Dua in English after you finish the prayer. Obviously, for the actual prayer...recite in Arabic. But for the Dua part, go ahead and read the translation. 

 

Glad that you're hanging in there..don't worry you'll get through Inshallah:)

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Dreaming and hoping never got anybody anywhere (except on some cases to madness)

I mean no offence but maybe you should get a little more mature about everything.

get your self together

Contact her in some way

If she is shy or doesnt want to meet in person what do you think sms fb twitter viber whatapp emailing are for? Or maybe even a letter.

Tell her about your feelings but dont make it sound... Scary i guess

All the best

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  • 1 month later...
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Clearly, I'm a stranger who doesn't know you. So perhaps every advice I'll be sharing with you won't work for you. I can't tailor advice to strangers. But here's what I would advise my friend. Avoid marrying from another faith/sect. I've seen quite a few intermarry in my family (sunni-shia, shia-christian). Most don't end well. It only does when both or one of them isn't religious. So maybe this is for the best. Trust in God and move on. If it's meant to be, your paths will cross inshallah once again. If not, well there's no loss in taking a step forward, in whatever direction. My favourite quote: 

 

9bb701f00967180ddf8812461a1b905c_view.jp

 

I feel like she may not care about you as much as you do about her. Unless you've done something gravely wrong. Otherwise, she wasn't willing to fight for whatever (hopefully halal) thing you two had going. If she leaves you before you're even married, what makes you think she'd stick around once real hardship hits? Perhaps, la sama7a Allah, you'll be struck with a disability come old age. Or perhaps, la sama7a Allah, you end up homeless without a job. Or maybe you're blessed with a disabled child? You need someone you KNOW will stand by you no matter what. 

If you've done something gravely wrong, apologise. If this isn't enough, take the hint and move on. Don't be selfish about it, let her go. Life is short. The one God has written for you might be right before you. But if you only focus on that locked door, you won't notice all the others that aren't. Give yourself a chance to find another love. 

 

With Allah's tawfeeq, if He wills. 

 

ws

 

P.S.: I'm not a believer of one love ("love of one's life"). You can easily or with effort, fall in and out of love. I've seen it happen. You need to let your body stop its obsession, and give it a chance to accept another trigger/memory for love. Although I'm not too sure what love is, I do love my parents and siblings. When I feel love, I'm recalling memories. Memories of a smile. memories of a hug, memories of selfless acts. So perhaps it's the same when you love a former stranger? If that's the case, accept these memories as the past. I've been told many times that once you fall in love with a person you can't completely get rid of the feelings. It makes sense because these memories never go away. Having them is okay :) But you can find someone with whom you can share more memories and stronger feelings. But again, I've never loved anyone other than family, so I don't know if what I said makes any sense at all. 

Still there isn't a thing in the world time cannot heal or at least numb :)

Edited by NoorA.95
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I have been rejected. We had a lot of problems before because I was so stubborn and couldnt accept that she is sunni, but she accepted me. Then later when I was ok with that and asked her to marry me (after we hadnt talked for 1 month), she said no. I was devastated.

I read your other topic. I was shaking my head. That's not really how you talk to someone ..especially not a person you want to share your life with. You cant ask someone to change his/her religion just like that. For many people, religion is not clothing or a dress you put on or off. It's far deeper than that.
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Well?

Are you happy now?

No sir...miserable!

 

 

I read your other topic. I was shaking my head. That's not really how you talk to someone ..especially not a person you want to share your life with. You cant ask someone to change his/her religion just like that. For many people, religion is not clothing or a dress you put on or off. It's far deeper than that.

Yeah, I realised that afterwards.... Too little too late, but Im still hoping... I have tried to keep busy but cant shake this one off of my mind. She is in my mind constantly. I cant go outside without being afraid of that I might bump into her.

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  • 1 month later...
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Broken Heartedz Guy, in a few days it will be the beginning of a new year. i wonder if you are still under a cloak of a misery over  some girl who cannot offer you what your heart truly desires. You have caged yourself in a bubble of despair and  loneliness and have isolated yourself from the outside world( kind of reminds me of stoop kid whom was afraid to leave his stoop- but that is a tale for another time), all because you are after an infatuation that you created from the depth of your mind. You have poisoned yourself with thoughts that this girl is your soul's desire and allowed the flashlight of lies to shine into your eyes, blowing up the one or two good  qualities of her  out of proportions. You are cheating yourself and carrying a heavy unnecessary load....it's time to take some dulcolax and let it all out, son...

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On 3/10/2015 at 4:39 PM, YaaAllah said:

Salam alaykum my beloved siblings!

I have lost the love of my life, a girl I cant stop thinking about, a girl that is on my mind all the time. I have prayed, I have done charity, I have kept busy with work and have been travelling a lot lately, but I still cant stop think about her all the time. She is everywhere, in my dreams, the store, on my journeys, in every couple I see, in every mother I see...everywhere!! I have tried your advice from before, but I feel depressed. Im going crazy, I feel so bad that I want to throw up, for real! 

I talked to some people and they say I should go and tell her how I feel, that she should know, but I keep dreaming that she is rejecting me. I dreamt of her today. I dreamt that she returned all the gifts that I gave her, and told me to talk to her sisters husband, because she didnt want to talk to me...

I need your help. 

-Wassalam!

Ok. This is the part where you work out whether you do love her—or just want her.

I remember in The Picture of Dorian Gray that villain Wotton says love smacks of the possessive, of property-ownership. How I hated him for saying that! But there is a perverse will to have someone that wears a very pretty mask that looks awfully like love.

Dostoyevsky explores this in much detail in The Idiot [Идиот].

Rogozhin doesn't love Nastasya. That's why he's unhappy even when he has her. In Devils [Бесы] too Stavrogin, the blackguard, wants only to possess Liza. Lise, Glory to God, sees this. She spends one night with him and then leaves him. When he pleads and wonders why, I'll never forget how perfectly she describes these kinds of relationships.

She tells him she always knew that if they were together it would be like there was a giant man-sized spider in the room in the corner on the ceiling—and they would both just stare and be scared of it.

You'll know you love her and don't just want her to be "yours" when it stops being negative and begins to be positive. It has to hurt at first. But it shouldn't always.

If you love her, truly and unconditionally love her, then you want what is best for her; for her to be happy. If she doesn't love you dear, then she won't be happiest with you. When you realise this and discover somewhere the strength to smile at the thought of her laughing madly with someone else. You love her.

If you can't do that and feel like murdering anyone who dares touch her, even if only in your imagination, and yourself after that. You ought to move on. And you will. No one likes being unhappy all the time. Someone else will come along and you will take less convincing than you care to imagine at present to try your luck there.

However, one of several things shall happen if you do love her.

Either that love will draw her into your orbit and she'll eventually love you back for that you love her, the way a larger body attracts a smaller one until they revolve around each other harmoniously.

Or, she has an equally powerful or even greater love than yours for someone else and that means she is permanently outside of your orbit. This is maybe the hardest. Most of all when who she loves doesn't love her back either; a spiraling triangle of unhappiness.

Or, for some reason she persists and her passions prevail and she makes mistakes. It isn't that she loves someone else or is happiest without you. God knows why she might do what she may. Rivalry with another girl, over-bearing parents, convenience, applying risk assessment or game theory to relationships. The list is perfectly endless. But she'll end up unluckily married, fallen out of love with her husband, with children to look after and there will be no way you can as an honest and honourable man be with her.

Now as to what to do if either of these last two should obtain—I have been searching the sky and the faces of the Icons with eager eyes to know.

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2 hours ago, Servidor said:

Ok. This is the part where you work out whether you do love her—or just want her.

I remember in The Picture of Dorian Gray that villain Wotton says love smacks of the possessive, of property-ownership. How I hated him for saying that! But there is a perverse will to have someone that wears a very pretty mask that looks awfully like love.

Dostoyevsky explores this in much detail in The Idiot [Идиот].

Rogozhin doesn't love Nastasya. That's why he's unhappy even when he has her. In Devils [Бесы] too Stavrogin, the blackguard, wants only to possess Liza. Lise, Glory to God, sees this. She spends one night with him and then leaves him. When he pleads and wonders why, I'll never forget how perfectly she describes these kinds of relationships.

She tells him she always knew that if they were together it would be like there was a giant man-sized spider in the room in the corner on the ceiling—and they would both just stare and be scared of it.

You'll know you love her and don't just want her to be "yours" when it stops being negative and begins to be positive. It has to hurt at first. But it shouldn't always.

If you love her, truly and unconditionally love her, then you want what is best for her; for her to be happy. If she doesn't love you dear, then she won't be happiest with you. When you realise this and discover somewhere the strength to smile at the thought of her laughing madly with someone else. You love her.

If you can't do that and feel like murdering anyone who dares touch her, even if only in your imagination, and yourself after that. You ought to move on. And you will. No one likes being unhappy all the time. Someone else will come along and you will take less convincing than you care to imagine at present to try your luck there.

However, one of several things shall happen if you do love her.

Either that love will draw her into your orbit and she'll eventually love you back for that you love her, the way a larger body attracts a smaller one until they revolve around each other harmoniously.

Or, she has an equally powerful or even greater love than yours for someone else and that means she is permanently outside of your orbit. This is maybe the hardest. Most of all when who she loves doesn't love her back either; a spiraling triangle of unhappiness.

Or, for some reason she persists and her passions prevail and she makes mistakes. It isn't that she loves someone else or is happiest without you. God knows why she might do what she may. Rivalry with another girl, over-bearing parents, convenience, applying risk assessment or game theory to relationships. The list is perfectly endless. But she'll end up unluckily married, fallen out of love with her husband, with children to look after and there will be no way you can as an honest and honourable man be with her.

Now as to what to do if either of these last two should obtain—I have been searching the sky and the faces of the Icons with eager eyes to know.

I think I've fallen in love with you stranger..what a way with words. 

I'm in a similar situation to the op but a lot simpler. I do hope it's not infatuation/possessiveness and something genuine..apart from time apart from each other to see how these feelings unfold what other way is there to know if the love you hold for someone is true?

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  • 2 weeks later...
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On 2015-12-26 at 8:40 PM, Miss Wonderful said:

Broken Heartedz Guy, in a few days it will be the beginning of a new year. i wonder if you are still under a cloak of a misery over  some girl who cannot offer you what your heart truly desires. You have caged yourself in a bubble of despair and  loneliness and have isolated yourself from the outside world( kind of reminds me of stoop kid whom was afraid to leave his stoop- but that is a tale for another time), all because you are after an infatuation that you created from the depth of your mind. You have poisoned yourself with thoughts that this girl is your soul's desire and allowed the flashlight of lies to shine into your eyes, blowing up the one or two good  qualities of her  out of proportions. You are cheating yourself and carrying a heavy unnecessary load....it's time to take some dulcolax and let it all out, son...

I am not really under a cloak but my heart still desires for her presence. 

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On 2015-12-26 at 10:52 PM, Servidor said:

Ok. This is the part where you work out whether you do love her—or just want her.

I remember in The Picture of Dorian Gray that villain Wotton says love smacks of the possessive, of property-ownership. How I hated him for saying that! But there is a perverse will to have someone that wears a very pretty mask that looks awfully like love.

Dostoyevsky explores this in much detail in The Idiot [Идиот].

Rogozhin doesn't love Nastasya. That's why he's unhappy even when he has her. In Devils [Бесы] too Stavrogin, the blackguard, wants only to possess Liza. Lise, Glory to God, sees this. She spends one night with him and then leaves him. When he pleads and wonders why, I'll never forget how perfectly she describes these kinds of relationships.

She tells him she always knew that if they were together it would be like there was a giant man-sized spider in the room in the corner on the ceiling—and they would both just stare and be scared of it.

You'll know you love her and don't just want her to be "yours" when it stops being negative and begins to be positive. It has to hurt at first. But it shouldn't always.

If you love her, truly and unconditionally love her, then you want what is best for her; for her to be happy. If she doesn't love you dear, then she won't be happiest with you. When you realise this and discover somewhere the strength to smile at the thought of her laughing madly with someone else. You love her.

If you can't do that and feel like murdering anyone who dares touch her, even if only in your imagination, and yourself after that. You ought to move on. And you will. No one likes being unhappy all the time. Someone else will come along and you will take less convincing than you care to imagine at present to try your luck there.

However, one of several things shall happen if you do love her.

Either that love will draw her into your orbit and she'll eventually love you back for that you love her, the way a larger body attracts a smaller one until they revolve around each other harmoniously.

Or, she has an equally powerful or even greater love than yours for someone else and that means she is permanently outside of your orbit. This is maybe the hardest. Most of all when who she loves doesn't love her back either; a spiraling triangle of unhappiness.

Or, for some reason she persists and her passions prevail and she makes mistakes. It isn't that she loves someone else or is happiest without you. God knows why she might do what she may. Rivalry with another girl, over-bearing parents, convenience, applying risk assessment or game theory to relationships. The list is perfectly endless. But she'll end up unluckily married, fallen out of love with her husband, with children to look after and there will be no way you can as an honest and honourable man be with her.

Now as to what to do if either of these last two should obtain—I have been searching the sky and the faces of the Icons with eager eyes to know.

Hello stranger!
I love her dearly, and want her desperately. I do not wish to punch anyone but myself for letting her slip away. I have talked to her, we talked for almost two weeks, 6h every night... and she wanted to see me because she was having a hard time at home and felt that I was the only one she ould talk to. She cant even talk to the guy she was gonna get engaged to. (The engagement was cancelled because he bought a bar and she doesnt want anything with him unless he gets rid of the bar...) I think I somehow made her think about the life she would have with me and with him. But we dont talk today because she felt guilty towards him...

I feel there is a big chance of me getting friendzoned here, maybe I already am friendzoned. But I pray to Allah that she will come back to me... I cant see myself being with another person. 

So I really my big love to her attracks her into my orbit...

 

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52 minutes ago, YaaAllah said:

I am not really under a cloak but my heart still desires for her presence. 

Ah, but you are, your heart is under the illusion of true love and the concept of soul mates. She has hurt you numerous times, I remember you saying how she was with a bad crowd and doing things her parents didn't know about. Who knows how this could affected her spiritually and emotionally. You say you have forgiven her and still love her but your posts show me otherwise. Don't make the same mistakes as me, brother, I know and believe me when I say isn't worth it.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar
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2 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Ah, but you are, your heart is under the illusion of true love and the concept of soul mates. She has hurt you numerous times, I remember you saying how she was with a bad crowd and doing things her parents didn't know about. Who knows how this could affected her spiritually and emotionally. You say you have forgiven her and still love her but your posts show me otherwise. Don't make the same mistakes as me, brother, I know and believe when I say isn't worth it.

Which one of my posts shows otherwise?

She has totally changed. Not at all the same girl I met at first. 

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13 minutes ago, YaaAllah said:

I feel there is a big chance of me getting friendzoned here, maybe I already am friendzoned.

Here is an example.

On 10/4/2015 at 1:49 AM, YaaAllah said:

We had a lot of problems before because I was so stubborn and couldnt accept that she is sunni, but she accepted me.

Here.

 

On 10/4/2015 at 3:19 AM, YaaAllah said:

I tried, I just cant... I really tried.

This is an example of lust, not love.

 

On 10/4/2015 at 1:39 AM, YaaAllah said:

She is everywhere, in my dreams, the store, on my journeys, in every couple I see, in every mother I see...everywhere!! I have tried your advice from before, but I feel depressed. Im going crazy, I feel so bad that I want to throw up, for real! 

If you really loved her, you would not write this, brother. She wasn't, isn't and never will be worth your depression and emotional angst.

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19 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Here is an example.

Here.

 

This is an example of lust, not love.

 

If you really loved her, you would not write this, brother. She wasn't, isn't and never will be worth your depression and emotional angst.

This only shows that I cant and dont want to be without her, because I love her. Thats my purpose with my posts. 

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