Still Brokenhearted...

[YaaAllah]

Salam alaykum my beloved siblings!

I have lost the love of my life, a girl I cant stop thinking about, a girl that is on my mind all the time. I have prayed, I have done charity, I have kept busy with work and have been travelling a lot lately, but I still cant stop think about her all the time. She is everywhere, in my dreams, the store, on my journeys, in every couple I see, in every mother I see...everywhere!! I have tried your advice from before, but I feel depressed. Im going crazy, I feel so bad that I want to throw up, for real! 

I talked to some people and they say I should go and tell her how I feel, that she should know, but I keep dreaming that she is rejecting me. I dreamt of her today. I dreamt that she returned all the gifts that I gave her, and told me to talk to her sisters husband, because she didnt want to talk to me...

I need your help. 

-Wassalam!

[AhlulBayt_313]

How are you broken-hearted if you haven't been rejected by her? Why not tell her how you feel? :unsure:

[YaaAllah]

How are you broken-hearted if you haven't been rejected by her? Why not tell her how you feel? :unsure:

I have been rejected. We had a lot of problems before because I was so stubborn and couldnt accept that she is sunni, but she accepted me. Then later when I was ok with that and asked her to marry me (after we hadnt talked for 1 month), she said no. I was devastated. 

[AhlulBayt_313]

The story unfolds now.

 

I see.

 

I am sorry brother, please make Du'a and ask Allah (SWT) to grant you patience and comfort in this regard. I know you feel strongly now, but Allah (SWT) might not have destined this person to be with you, after all.

 

Insha'Allah khair,

 

Wasalam, AB313

[YaaAllah]

The story unfolds now.

 

I see.

 

I am sorry brother, please make Du'a and ask Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì to grant you patience and comfort in this regard. I know you feel strongly now, but Allah ÓÈÍÇäå æÊÚÇáì might not have destined this person to be with you, after all.

 

Insha'Allah khair,

 

Wasalam, AB313

That is what I keep hearing, that it might not have been destined, but then I think about our free will. That maybe Allah gave her to me but I ruined all of it. That is why I am stuck. Now, seeing her at the store is making me crazy, especially now that she has met somebody else...

 

[King]

Dude just try to move on, you seem like an emotional person so it will be incredibly difficult early on but inevitably you will move on, this is almost certain.  No girl on earth is worth all that energy especially if she isn't all that interested in you.

[kamyar]

Salam alaykum my beloved siblings!

I have lost the love of my life, a girl I cant stop thinking about, a girl that is on my mind all the time. I have prayed, I have done charity, I have kept busy with work and have been travelling a lot lately, but I still cant stop think about her all the time. 

I need your help. 

-Wassalam!

 

(wasalam)

Brother, you have prayed, you have done charity and so on for the sake of that girl. Try these things once again, this time just for the sake of God. A heart filled with the love of God won't be easily affected by someone else's rejection. The problem lies here, although you keep hearing it and it's hard for you to accept it and change the situation.

Edited October 4, 2015 by kamyar

[Khadim uz Zahra]

I'm no marriage expert but that sounds like a pretty dumb move to pull off. If you've not talked to someone for a month, you don't just ask them to marry you suddenly. Anyone in their right mind would say no. Even if they share your feelings, they'd probably say no out of spite (something along the lines of "You don't talk to me for a month and now suddenly you want me to marry you?"). You're supposed to first apologise for whatever you did before and try to mend fences about whatever caused the fight before jumping to a proposal. And, women...Their emotions are COMPLEX! You're supposed to wait for the right time or whatever. Have you never watched TV?

 

So, if you're really into this person, then perhaps you shouldn't be so heartbroken and maybe wait a little, apologise for whatever you did and say you understand the proposal was too hasty and give the person some time and space to think.

[YaaAllah]

I'm no marriage expert but that sounds like a pretty dumb move to pull off. If you've not talked to someone for a month, you don't just ask them to marry you suddenly. Anyone in their right mind would say no. Even if they share your feelings, they'd probably say no out of spite (something along the lines of "You don't talk to me for a month and now suddenly you want me to marry you?"). You're supposed to first apologise for whatever you did before and try to mend fences about whatever caused the fight before jumping to a proposal. And, women...Their emotions are COMPLEX! You're supposed to wait for the right time or whatever. Have you never watched TV?

 

So, if you're really into this person, then perhaps you shouldn't be so heartbroken and maybe wait a little, apologise for whatever you did and say you understand the proposal was too hasty and give the person some time and space to think.

One of the best advice I've gotten so far, if not the best! You are absolutley right. She has had almost 4 months now, what should I do....? Especially now that she is seeing somebody else.

 

[AhlulBayt_313]

King had the best advice IMO

 

She has moved on, maybe you should too? :unsure:

Edited October 4, 2015 by AhlulBayt_313

[YaaAllah]

King had the best advice IMO

 

She has moved on, maybe you should too? :unsure:

I tried, I just cant... I really tried. 

[starlight]

Hmmm... Some interesting replies above :d I was thinking how does one decide whether to give up on someone and move on or to keep trying in case of a misunderstanding as in this case.

[Khadim uz Zahra]

One of the best advice I've gotten so far, if not the best! You are absolutley right. She has had almost 4 months now, what should I do....? Especially now that she is seeing somebody else.

 

 

My advice was the best (hopefully :P ) before you told us she's already with someone. All this is starting to border on haraam interactions (I'm not talking about the very haraam stuff, just how Islam rules are very strict about even 'hanging out') so I'm going to assume you're mindful of all the law and follow them.

 

Anyways, honestly, you can't expect a bunch of random people on the internet to tell you how to proceed. I mean, we've never met you or her so we don't really know how either of you feels for the other. For example, if she's with someone already, maybe it's like rebound and she was so devastated by losing you, she couldn't take it. Maybe she didn't like you all that much to begin with and once she ended it, was happy to move on very soon. From here, we can only go over possibilities and for everything you've mentioned, there are quite a few possibilities. I can't say which one is more likely because I don't know her or you.

 

So, it's really up to you or maybe mutual friends you might have to figure out whether you should now keep pursuing her even after she's already moved on. Maybe, like King said, it really is time to cut your losses and move on. Or, maybe you feel she still likes you, in which case you might not want to. Honestly, like I usually say for almost all these kinds of problems people ask on ShiaChat, this really isn't the right forum for such problems; this requires more real life experience.

Hmmm... Some interesting replies above :D I was thinking how does one decide whether to give up on someone and move on or to keep trying in case of a misunderstanding as in this case.

 

Like I've said above, you figure out how much you really like them and, based on your interactions and history with them (fights, shared interests and so on), how much they like you. If it looks like your feelings aren't reciprocated, well...cut your losses.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Khadim uz Zahra

[YaaAllah]

My advice was the best (hopefully :P ) before you told us she's already with someone. All this is starting to border on haraam interactions (I'm not talking about the very haraam stuff, just how Islam rules are very strict about even 'hanging out') so I'm going to assume you're mindful of all the law and follow them.

 

Anyways, honestly, you can't expect a bunch of random people on the internet to tell you how to proceed. I mean, we've never met you or her so we don't really know how either of you feels for the other. For example, if she's with someone already, maybe it's like rebound and she was so devastated by losing you, she couldn't take it. Maybe she didn't like you all that much to begin with and once she ended it, was happy to move on very soon. From here, we can only go over possibilities and for everything you've mentioned, there are quite a few possibilities. I can't say which one is more likely because I don't know her or you.

 

So, it's really up to you or maybe mutual friends you might have to figure out whether you should now keep pursuing her even after she's already moved on. Maybe, like King said, it really is time to cut your losses and move on. Or, maybe you feel she still likes you, in which case you might not want to. Honestly, like I usually say for almost all these kinds of problems people ask on ShiaChat, this really isn't the right forum for such problems; this requires more real life experience.

 

Like I've said above, you figure out how much you really like them and, based on your interactions and history with them (fights, shared interests and so on), how much they like you. If it looks like your feelings aren't reciprocated, well...cut your losses.

Well, we didnt have very much in common, but on the other hand we were somehow completing each other. 

We had our difiiculties for three years, where both of us were hoping that the other one would change his/her mind. So I hope and assume that she did meet this new person because of devastation. 

 

You are right about this not being the right forum to talk about these things, but I come here because the answers are mostly from people from similar cultures and islam is included in the answers. That is why I come here for advice. 

We dont have mutual friends. Both of us are after quality rather than quantity when it comes to friendship. So it is very hard for me to know anything without talking to her. Maybe I can talk to her father. I met him a few times. 

 

[Haji 2003]

I have been rejected. We had a lot of problems before because I was so stubborn and couldnt accept that she is sunni, but she accepted me. Then later when I was ok with that and asked her to marry me (after we hadnt talked for 1 month), she said no. I was devastated. 

 

What's that supposed to mean? That she accepted you as a Shia but and you could not accept her as a Sunni i.e. you'd keep your different religions?? Recipe for a disaster IMHO and if you want to get her father involved even less likely that he'd accept his daughter becoming a Shia.

 

From what you have said, this really is not stacking up at a lot of different levels. And I'd second what KuZ says, the proposal idea sounds really weak. You are going to have to give this time and in the meantime you'll be a bit vulnerable.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Haji 2003
wrong words used the first time around

[YaaAllah]

What's that supposed to mean? That she accepted you as a Shia but you could not accept her as a Sunni i.e. you'd keep your different religions?? Recipe for a disaster IMHO and if you want to get her father involved even less likely that he'd accept his daughter becoming a Shia.

 

From what you have said, this really is not stacking up at a lot of different levels. And I'd second what KuZ says, the proposal idea sounds really weak. You are going to have to give this time and in the meantime you'll be a bit vulnerable.

I am no longer trying to get her to convert, I am ok with her being sunni. Talking to the father is only to know where she is, emotionally.

[Haji 2003]

I am no longer trying to get her to convert, I am ok with her being sunni. Talking to the father is only to know where she is, emotionally.

 

 

Bro, it really is not worth it. Splitting will hurt for a while but you will get over it.

 

Having a Sunni wife will hurt for the rest of your life and afterlife. Unless it ceases to matter any more, which will be worse.

[Khadim uz Zahra]

Well, we didnt have very much in common, but on the other hand we were somehow completing each other. 

We had our difiiculties for three years, where both of us were hoping that the other one would change his/her mind. So I hope and assume that she did meet this new person because of devastation. 

 

You are right about this not being the right forum to talk about these things, but I come here because the answers are mostly from people from similar cultures and islam is included in the answers. That is why I come here for advice. 

We dont have mutual friends. Both of us are after quality rather than quantity when it comes to friendship. So it is very hard for me to know anything without talking to her. Maybe I can talk to her father. I met him a few times. 

 

 

I wasn't referring to ShiaChat when I used forum - it's a forum, of course, but I was going for a more general meaning, in that the internet itself is not the right forum/medium for such questions. You need to ask such questions from someone who knows her, not us random people.

 

As for the father idea, that's a whole can of worms. I, for one, would not suggest going to the father, especially since she's already involved with someone because unless the father is really 'cool' - and that's is a big if for most Muslim fathers - he'd probably peg you as extremely immoral for approaching him about such things, especially when your success means that she has a breakup with someone. It's like asking a married woman's father if she'd be interested in divorce.

 

Even if you don't have any mutual friends, surely she must have a best friend or something at least? Instead of telling us all this, you should approach the best friend and tell her how you're still in love with the girl and want to know where she stands. Not only will the best friend help you understand the girl's point of view but, also - I must emphasise here that I'm a genius and should immediately be elected as the UN representative for my country due to my cunning :P - the best friend will probably tell the girl about your conversation. Thus, you can test the waters to see if it really is rebound without actually approaching the girl. If it is, she'll know that you're still into her. That's like two birds with one stone, as the friend can serve as your proxy and you can go over how sorry you are over the not talking over a month and how you think the proposal was a rushed idea and so on and it will all be conveyed to the girl.

 

That was my attempt at explaining how to maybe move forward with trying to reconcile with her. That said, I will tell you to very seriously consider what Haji is saying; having a wife that has a different religion from you is not easy, despite whatever you might think due to the cloud of love that you are enveloped in right now. Should you really be trying to reconcile?

Edited October 4, 2015 by Khadim uz Zahra

[YaaAllah]

Bro, it really is not worth it. Splitting will hurt for a while but you will get over it.

 

Having a Sunni wife will hurt for the rest of your life and afterlife. Unless it ceases to matter any more, which will be worse.

It doesnt have to be like that. I think we can work things out. If we can marry a jew, why not another muslim?

 

 

I wasn't referring to ShiaChat when I used forum - it's a forum, of course, but I was going for a more general meaning, in that the internet itself is not the right forum/medium for such questions. You need to ask such questions from someone who knows her, not us random people.

 

As for the father idea, that's a whole can of worms. I, for one, would not suggest going to the father, especially since she's already involved with someone because unless the father is really 'cool' - and that's is a big if for most Muslim fathers - he'd probably peg you as extremely immoral for approaching him about such things, especially when your success means that she has a breakup with someone. It's like asking a married woman's father if she'd be interested in divorce.

 

Even if you don't have any mutual friends, surely she must have a best friend or something at least? Instead of telling us all this, you should approach the best friend and tell her how you're still in love with the girl and want to know where she stands. Not only will the best friend help you understand the girl's point of view but, also - I must emphasise here that I'm a genius and should immediately be elected as the UN representative for my country due to my cunning :P - the best friend will probably tell the girl about your conversation. Thus, you can test the waters to see if it really is rebound without actually approaching the girl. If it is, she'll know that you're still into her. That's like two birds with one stone, as the friend can serve as your proxy and you can go over how sorry you are over the not talking over a month and how you think the proposal was a rushed idea and so on and it will all be conveyed to the girl.

 

That was my attempt at explaining how to maybe move forward with trying to reconcile with her. That said, I will tell you to very seriously consider what Haji is saying; having a wife that has a different religion from you is not easy, despite whatever you might think due to the cloud of love that you are enveloped in right now. Should you really be trying to reconcile?

Sounds good, Ms/Mrs Genius! 

I can talk to the best friend, but I somehow feel that the friend might be the one rejecting my request. 

I am socially handicapped, so that why Im  asking these questions...

Should I tell her that all the things I doing is because I am trying to move on, but its not working?

[Soldiers and Saffron]

May I ask why you like her so much?

What is it about her that makes her so special and different from all the other females of the world?

[Haji 2003]

It doesnt have to be like that. I think we can work things out. If we can marry a jew, why not another muslim?

 

There's lots of things you can do, but if you consider the experiences of people who have trodden the same path before you, I think you will find that more often their journey has not been an easy one.

 

It's easy enough to say that you will remain Shia and she will remain Sunni. But what happens to the kids? Either one of you or both will end up being really disappointed.

 

Especially if she has found someone else and especially still if the other guy is Sunni, I really would recommend leaving her alone, for her sake.

Edited October 4, 2015 by Haji 2003

[YaaAllah]

May I ask why you like her so much?

What is it about her that makes her so special and different from all the other females of the world?

You cant say all other women, not all women are availble. In that case I want to marry Rachel McAddams. 

But what I like about her is her honesty, her way of being flexible(making compromises), the way she holds on to her culture but still not locked up by it, her food, her way of loving, her bad temper, her childishness. 

This is what I love about her, and her beauty.

 

 

There's lots of things you can do, but if you consider the experiences of people who have trodden the same path before you, I think you will find that more often their journey has not been an easy one.

 

It's easy enough to say that you will remain Shia and she will remain Sunni. But what happens to the kids? Either one of you or both will end up being really disappointed.

 

Especially if she has found someone else and especially still if the other guy is Sunni, I really would recommend leaving her alone, for her sake.

There will never be an easy relationship. There will always be fights. I am accepting her being sunni. She had agreed that our children would become shia. So that issue is out of the way.

 

[laithAlIRAQI]

Talk to her...

[YaaAllah]

Talk to her...

Cant reach her on her phone, and I dont want to write an email. Maybe I should write her a letter?

[laithAlIRAQI]

Try to meet up? Tell her how u feel.

[YaaAllah]

Try to meet up? Tell her how u feel

I cant reach her and ask her to see me. It somehow has tp be by "accident"

[starlight]

Cant reach her on her phone, and I dont want to write an email. Maybe I should write her a letter?

Try to meet up? Tell her how u feel.

Edited October 4, 2015 by starlight

[shia askari]

Salam, firstly if your going to approach her.. do not do it in a desperate way. You have to be a man, don't tell her what you've been doing to move on from her. Tell her how your sorry for the problems and that if she was till with you, you wouldn't mind her being sunni.. don't sound desperate .. woman do not like desperate men. If she truly loves you she will come back to you.. if she doesn't do you want to keep fighting for a woman who has her love already invested in another man? ... if she doesn't love that man she will come back to you. I was in in a relationship kind of like yours.. and she came back. Brother you have to accept what you have done and end things with her on good terms. Tell her that's what you want is to end things on good terms and to st you've learned from your mistake that if you had the option.. it wouldn't matter no more and just be in a very happy and good mood. Good luck bro.. private messege me if you need help

salam

[laithAlIRAQI]

images (1).jpg

u mad ?

[starlight]

u mad ?

Lol no, I hardly ever get mad, its just that I thought following those suggestions would lead to disastrous results. But I can be wrong.

[Soldiers and Saffron]

 

You cant say all other women, not all women are availble. In that case I want to marry Rachel McAddams. 
But what I like about her is her honesty, her way of being flexible(making compromises), the way she holds on to her culture but still not locked up by it, her food, her way of loving, her bad temper, her childishness. 

This is what I love about her, and her beauty.

 

 

Hmm, I did not say that all women are available, how did you interpret my sentence like that?

What I asked was what it was about her that made her so desirable that you cannot move on, is it something special about her? Something that separates her so much in comparison with other women that you cannot move on? I think your mind is playing tricks on you and that you are building up something that is not there and letting your imagination play future scenarios of how good life would be if this and that.

 

In truth none of us are special and we should never glorify someone to the degree where we become obsessed with them.

What you are looking for is the mother of your children, do you consider bad temper and childishness a good thing in that case?

 

If you are so hellbent on marrying her, give it 1 more go but then leave her forever and move on. You've been back and forth with this woman for like more than 2 years now, come on, what are you doing?

When it comes to the absolute majority of humans there are a couple of things you can always count on, their greed and their ability to forget, shes already meeting someone ells so obviously she is moving on and forgetting about you, so if you get one more rejection then just forget about it:

 

 

Whatever you decide to to do, do it now and stop wasting your time and energy without reaching any conclusion.

 

Edited October 4, 2015 by IbnSina

[Sumayyeh]

Salam Alaykum,

 

I apologize beforehand if this will come off a little harsh, but it's only because I care:) 

 

Bro, get a grip on yourself. The fact that she is getting to know someone else should serve as a.....HINT (and I mean a big one) that you really need to move on. Your time is precious; your life is precious. You're wasting time and energy on literally nothingness. 

 

Learn from this experience, and this is to everyone: Do NOT befriend a non-Mahram/get close to a non-Mahram for the excuse of "getting to know them" for "marriage purposes". Why? There are a plethora of reasons, but I'll just name a couple:

 

 

1) Because you are a human being--you have feelings and emotions--they will develop. They will blind you; they will deafen you. 

 

Hadith of the Prophet (S):

 

When you like something, you will become blind and deaf.

 

You will no longer be in tune with the flaws of the person....Don't Do It.

 

2) Your niyyah and intention are awesome--the intention to get married Inshallah...right? Ok, so if you're constantly blinded by this person (who is not reciprocating the same interest...in any way whatsoever) then you are blinded...to other potential sisters who may be a million times more suitable for you. That's right....you're losing your chances to actually getting married in the first place.

 

All right, so now what to do? Two-part solution:

 

1) Really purify your intentions and niyyah--to get married and complete half of your deen. Pray for it constantly, make Dua for it constantly....from the bottom of your heart....BUT do not expect anything. In other words, you express to Allah your desire to get married, but you do not expect like a deadline for this to happen or anything specifically--that is for Allah to decide what is best for all of us. 

 

Emam Reza: Whenever the fulfillment of your wish, and the absence thereof, results in the same amount of satisfaction for you, you are very close to getting the fulfillment of your wish.  

 

 

According to Emam Ali: For all men who have made the intent to get married, recite the following prayer:

 

2 Rakat: in each rakat, after Fatiha, recite Surah Yasin. After the prayer praise Allah and recite the following Dua: (words in parenthesis are meant as the substitute words for women to recite)

 

اللَّهُمَّ ارْزُقْنِی زَوْجَةً ً صَالِحَةً  (زوجاً صالحاً)     Oh Allah Please grant me a righteous and extremely kind spouse
وَدُوداً Loving
وَلُوداً child-bearing
شَکُوراً thankful
غَیُوراً ardent 
إِنْ أَحْسَنْتُ شَکَرَتْ (شَکَرَ )If I do good to her (him) she (he) is thankful
وَ إِنْ أَسَأْتُ غَفَرَتْ  ( غَفَرَ) and if I did wrong, she (he) forgives me
وَ إِنْ ذَکَرْتُ اللَّهَ تَعَالَى أَعَانَتْ ( أَعَانَ) and if I remember you, she (he) joins me
وَ إِنْ نَسِیتُ ذَکَّرَتْ (ذَکَّرَ )and if I forget to remember you, she (he) reminds me
وَ إِنْ خَرَجْتُ مِنْ عِنْدِهَا حَفِظَتْ (مِنْ عِنْدِهِ حَفِظَ) and if I leave her presence, she (he) is protective
وَ إِنْ دَخَلْتُ عَلَیْهَا سَرَّتْنِی‏ (عَلَیْه سَرَّنِی) and when I enter upon her, she (he) makes me happy
وَ إِنْ أَمَرْتُهَا أَطَاعَتْنِی ( أَمَرْتُهُ أَطَاعَنِی ) and if I make a commandment, she (he) abides
وَ إِنْ أَقْسَمْتُ عَلَیْهَا أَبَرَّتْ قَسَمِی ( عَلَیْه أَبَرَّ قَسَمِی) and if I swear to her (him) about something, she (he) accepts my oath
وَ إِنْ غَضِبْتُ عَلَیْهَا أَرْضَتْنِی (عَلَیْه أَرْضَنِی) and if I become upset at her (him), she makes me calm 
یَا ذَا الْجَلَالِ وَ الْإِکْرَامِ هَبْ لِی ذَلِکَ فَإِنَّمَا أَسْأَلُکَهُ وَ لَا آخُذُ إِلَّا مَا مَنَنْتَ وَ أَعْطَیْتَ Oh Lord of Majesty and Bounty! Grant me as such for indeed I ask of you and I can not take except that which you bestow and grant upon me

 

Imam Ali: whoever says the above will attain what he has asked

بحار الأنوار (ط - بیروت)، ج‏100، ص: 26

Source: 

 

 

 

2) Whenever you see her image in your mind, hold on to it for a couple seconds, black her image out, and shoot it away (such is the power of our thoughts and imagination). Repeat a few times. Do this before going to sleep as well. You should be able to forget her in a couple weeks.

 

Source: Psychology and religious professor (Dr. Farhang)

[Abu Mariam]

Brother. This is something what happened to me. I and this girl I loved her back 10 yr ago I always tried my best to get her marry me but she reject and refuse me I was hope less felt so depereated I tried every thing. So I moved away see if she will calls me but figures she moved on so I had to. 2 years later I found the love of my life we are married and have a daughter alhumdella. Brother if she reject u more than 3 time move on be patient Allah will find u beter wife than her inshallah.

[shiahislamicdawamission]

as salamu alaykum,

 

while all I am gonna say after looking thru marriages posts, is alhamduallah me and my husband had arranged marriage I was just told shaykh found you a man, you are going to meet the man, put something nice on, then 2 hours later I meant him, then he spoke to my father, then we can a chaperoned courtship then a 5 month mutah, then aqd.

 

maybe people need to go back to arranged marriages, makes life easier.

 

5 12 14 never 3

[5a49]

Dude get over it, or else there will be a thread in 5 years called "....and still brokenhearted"