In Desperate Need Of Advice

[~ThePond~]

Asalaam Alaikum my dear brothers and sister:

 

Currently, I am in need of some advice, this does not have to be limited to women only, men may feel free to offer advice as well.  I have a sister in faith who converted last spring.  I only spoke to her a few days before her conversion; she had told me of her intent to convert.  Unfortunately, she visited another sister's house, and this sister's husband rushed her into conversion. He exclaimed "convert you may die tomorrow!" Now this approach would work on a convert who was already deep in the process in the converting and needed an extra emotional push; however, she was greatly overwhelmed by this as she admitted this to me later.  Only a few days later she started wearing a hijab because she was in contact with a rather conservative brother. She may have felt compelled because he influenced her before she was ready. There is nothing wrong with wearing the hijab early if you are prepared, but I believe she was scared to commit a sin after being a new convert.  She always tells me she wished she converted in the manner I did. I admit, however, I took a while: I prayed for months prior, and sought education on Islamic matters. I even fasted during Ramdhan before I formally did my shahadha. 

 

This I believe, is important to understand the current situation. This past Ramadhan she took off the hijab, for the biggest reason being she did not enjoy it and was disillusioned by the harsh criticism women received for not wearing the "proper hijab." She may have also worn it due to her contact with the conservative man she was gathering information from. While, I know it is not my place to tell her to wear it as she already knows it is the Qur'an and is a commandment from Allah swt. I understand that hijab is difficult, and she did not ease into the hijab. For example, when I was in the process of beginning to wear it, I started only wearing pants or long skirts, long sleeves with no skin showing, and tying my hair back with a large headband.  She just wore it one day, and that was it.

 

Now she does not wear hijab, but she does not observe the modesty similar to how I began. I fear she took it as a pass to wear immodest clothes simply because she was no longer wearing the scarf.  Unfortunately she is in relations with a non-Muslim man, and I am worried she will continue to do so. I have no idea if she has the intent in marrying this man, but I know she is deeply opposed to marriage due to the Saudi culture she is exposed to. Also, I do not know if she knows that she cannot marry this man unless he converts. I know he is a good man, but still I am worried.  Everyone around her congratulates her for taking the scarf off and asks her to share experience on this; she, however, does not like this attention.  

 

I was hoping if you guys had any advice on what to say or do for her.  I am too scared of showing her videos in fear that will drive her away from me. She is a very good friend of mine, and a wonderful woman.  She is opinionated and therefore I do not know if she will take any of my advice. She had the opportunity to marry the man who she had contact with, but she refused, and I hope not because of me. I told her of some of the obligations of the woman/wife, and this put her off.  I just did not want her to enter a marriage with a conservative man without knowing what she would need to do as her new role as wife.

 

Sorry if this sounds like rambling, but I would greatly appreciate your advice. I am very meek so I hope some of you can give me good advice.

 

Masalaama. Peace

[notme]

I think you are right about too much, too fast. Try to find a way to prevent her from marrying the non-Muslim man, or at least delay it if you can. And then try to slowly ease her back into learning about Islam, starting with the most beautiful and compelling things, such as the Quran and the biographies of the Prophets and Imams.

[~ThePond~]

I think you are right about too much, too fast. Try to find a way to prevent her from marrying the non-Muslim man, or at least delay it if you can. And then try to slowly ease her back into learning about Islam, starting with the most beautiful and compelling things, such as the Quran and the biographies of the Prophets and Imams.

She is a Sunnis sister.  I haven't really tried to introduce her to Shia Islam, though she knows I am Shia, and is very respectful. She understands Wahhabism and is an international relations major so she understands a lot of the political situation. Before, I have given her some sayings from the Imams (a.s) that relate to more spiritual topics, and moral concepts which transcend school of thought

Edited September 15, 2015 by ~ThePond~

[AnaAmmar1]

Give her book of Shaheed Murtaza Mutahri on hijab provided its available in English.

 

You should try to spend time with her more. Talk to her about Islam generally and history of islam. It is fun. Then slowly be more complex and tell her about basic aqaeds and their application. 

[Chaotic Muslem]

Give her book of Shaheed Murtaza Mutahri on hijab provided its available in English.

 

You should try to spend time with her more. Talk to her about Islam generally and history of islam. It is fun. Then slowly be more complex and tell her about basic aqaeds and their application. 

Not a good advice. I did not like the book of Shaheed Mutahari in my teens. I don't think it discusses the modern troubles convert women faces.

 

She is monotheist , leaning spiritually to islam.

Muslim communities are very judgmental and not too friendly to new converts as per the stories by the converts in this forum. BUT

Prayers of Eid, gathering of Eid Alghadeer, and Muharam should be good opportunity to introduce her to different muslim community other than Saudi sunnis.

Muharam is festive and almost cultural gathering in its outer aspect. So it should come light on heart and not very compelling like hijab talk.

 

 

There is a great tradition in Eid Alghadeer which is called brotherhood shake. During Eid Alghadeer you hold a hand of a believer (Shia) and recite a Du'a of brotherhood. It is very warm on heart.

 

I think the best tactic is to make her like you and shia sisters and shia imams. You can't go wrong with this method. If she despised Ahlulbayt then just leave her to her own fate

[YA13]

I don't think that focusing on external signs of the religion is the best thing to do at the moment, although gentle advice will probably do no harm if it's given in a respectful manner. Speaking from personal experience I can understand that putting too much emphasis on observance of certain islamic laws and customs too soon after converting may not work for every single individual out there. The first things I was taught after converting were toilet etiquette, avoiding even numbers when eating snacks etc. just to name a few, and it only gave me a superficial understanding of the religion, which didn't make sense to me and even annoyed me. There needs to be something deeper and more rewarding than endless do's and don'ts, observance of which can be a lot to handle for a new muslim who hasn't studied the religion a lot before converting.

 

I would like to make it clear that I am not comparing the aforementioned examples to the issues of hijab and relationships - what I'm trying to say is that trying to observe the rules can be a painful and confusing struggle, if the focus is on external matters instead of spirituality. If one learns to love the Creator and begins to appreciate the life and religion He (SWT) has given us, following the rules becomes a pleasure instead of a burden. Therefore I suggest you compliment her about everything in her life that actually IS in accordance to islam (and those things will outnumber the unislamic ones), so she can feel that she is doing at least some things right (recent converts are often very insecure and feel that no matter what they do it is never enough) and insha Allah the rest will follow - changing your whole lifestyle won't happen overnight for some of us.

 

Establishing a close relationship with the Qur'an, praying (alone and with other people) and doing dhikr as much as one can will do wonders to faith, and once faith grows stronger following the shari'ah becomes rewarding. This is what I did and yes, it took  some time to understand certain rulings and ideas, but it was all worth it and it gets better every single day. I am not saying that this is the only (or even the right one) method of solving these problems, nor am I even qualified to give an opinion on questions like this (as I'm not a sister and therefore can't  understand what she's going through + there's no doubt I'm among the least knowledgeable here), but as unbelievable as it is, there's always a chance that I may have actually said something useful in this post.

 

To sum it up: making a person feel good about the good they've done + more focus on spirituality, appreciating the gift of life and religion = makes a person feel like they actually have a fair chance at this way of life -> improvement and success.

[AnaAmmar1]

Not a good advice. I did not like the book of Shaheed Mutahari in my teens. I don't think it discusses the modern troubles convert women faces.

 

She is monotheist , leaning spiritually to islam.

Muslim communities are very judgmental and not too friendly to new converts as per the stories by the converts in this forum. BUT

Prayers of Eid, gathering of Eid Alghadeer, and Muharam should be good opportunity to introduce her to different muslim community other than Saudi sunnis.

Muharam is festive and almost cultural gathering in its outer aspect. So it should come light on heart and not very compelling like hijab talk.

 

 

There is a great tradition in Eid Alghadeer which is called brotherhood shake. During Eid Alghadeer you hold a hand of a believer (Shia) and recite a Du'a of brotherhood. It is very warm on heart.

 

I think the best tactic is to make her like you and shia sisters and shia imams. You can't go wrong with this method. If she despised Ahlulbayt then just leave her to her own fate

 

I was just recommending it for the misconceptions she might have about hijab.

Although for making her familiar to basic Muslim aqaid, your advice is good. I would also suggest to connect her with good Muslim ( if possible, shia) females so that she does not feel alienated any more. This way, she can clear up her mind by asking questions from them and build a liking towards Islam in general.

[Muhammed Ali]

Great post by YA13. I learnt from it. Thank you :)

 

She is opinionated and therefore I do not know if she will take any of my advice. 

 

Could you ask permission to speak to her about these things?