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Dragon123

Love Before Or After Marriage?

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The article up for discussion is this:

http://lovehaqtually.com/2015/02/02/love-before-vs-after-marriage/

 

It basically divides the marriage approach to 3 categories:

1) Love comes after marriage

2) There must be the potential for love, but not necessarily love itself

3) Love is a must or it’s a no-go

 

Where did you those of you married find yourself and how were your feeling like for your spouse before marriage?

 

For those unmarried, which category do you place yourself?

 

 

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You can tell when romantic love is possible. Don't marry unless romantic love is possible.

That having been said, romantic love is not necessary for a marriage to be successful, only mutual respect and compatible values and goals.

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Lol.... Not meaning to derail but when I read the title I remembered this joke I read somewhere

Son: Father, should there be love before marriage or after marriage?

father: makes no difference , the important thing is your wife never gets wind of it.

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I think at minimum, there must be the possibility of love/attraction.  When meeting your spouse, I think speaking to them reveals a good deal about them.  Attraction does not have to be necessarily physical; it can be spiritual, emotional, and intellectual.  You can become attracted to them simply by getting to know their character.  Love can come after marriage, especially since most people do not "date" before marriage and only meet occasionally. If a man does not love his wife after marriage, I see a small chance of this being a passionate marriage; yes it can be successful in terms of stability, but I do not think many woman would enjoy a marriage without passion or love.  If a woman does not feel loved, she may find more faults with her husband than those she would normally overlook if she was loved by him.  Men also need to feel loved; what man would wish to be married to a woman who simply fulfilled her wifely duties but did not feel affection for him; a loveless marriage may lead to unnecessary, petty quarrels.  A man may seek love elsewhere if he feels his wife does not love him.  Now if both individuals neither love each other, and they do not care, that is another story.

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Love is a must or it’s a no-go. who the hell marries someone they dont love??????

There are many reasons to marry, and none of us know the circumstances of others. The question should be: who would not love the person they chose to marry?

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You can tell when romantic love is possible. Don't marry unless romantic love is possible.

 

I think it's harder to tell than you state. Most Muslims have never been in a relationship before so it's hard to pick up on what is important because of lack of experience. Especially with the rules and boundaries in the Islamic courtship process, it is harder to access than the western way where it becomes apparent much more easily.

 

I think it also depends a lot on the person. Some people are more complex or picky and others are satisfied and fall in love rather easily. Some people know exactly what they want, others don't and rely on intangibles and feelings alone.

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^Maybe.

So hopefully their parents or whoever is guiding them through the spouse selection is a good judge of character and will be able to tell for them. Love is easy if respect is there, so there's no reason for any two people who can get along to not choose to love each other.

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I wanted to share another article on this topic:

 

http://popchassid.com/didnt-love-wife/

 

Sample...

 

 

From Disney movies to my favorite shows like “The Office” to practically every pop song released, love is constantly sold as an emotion we have before we’re married.  An emotion that, once had, somehow magically stays within a marriage forever.

 

I can’t imagine a bigger lie.  And I’m saddened to think about how much those messages bounced around in my head for so long.  And how much I’m sure those messages are bouncing around in other people’s heads as well.

 

I think that might be a big part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in this country.  Imagine a whole nation of people constantly chasing the emotions they had when they were dating.  A country of people trying to live a Disney movie.

 

That’s a recipe for disastrous marriages; for a country with a 50% divorce rate;  for adultery (the classic attempt to turn the fire back on); for people who do stay together to simply live functional, loveless marriages.

 

Well worth the read.

 

Does anyone else have experiences to share or thoughts on the issue?

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Sure. For us, the shared values was actually the thing that initially attracted us to each other and that enabled the resultant love to grow on a good foundation. Good marriages are made of a lot more than just " feelings". But we were never too much into "Hollyweird Relationship Advice " anyway.

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Well, I am not married yet and this is a bit of observation but I believe that love comes after marriage, it seems to me that people mistake trust for love. Hence some erroneously assume that love comes before marriage, trust comes before marriage. Trust is the foundation of love and a good marriage; For what is love if you cannot trust, let alone marriage?

P.S. I realize that I could be wrong on this because of my circumstances and lack of experience but I understand that love in general is a matter of trust and a marriage illustrates this very well.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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Well, I am not married yet and this is a bit of observation but I believe that love comes after marriage, it seems to me that people mistake trust for love. Hence some erroneously assume that love comes before marriage, trust comes before marriage. Trust is the foundation of love and a good marriage; For what is love if you cannot trust, let alone marriage?

P.S. I realize that I could be wrong on this because of my circumstances and lack of experience but I understand that love in general is a matter of trust and a marriage illustrates this very well.

I think trust is essential to a healthy love. Would also like to add that " love" evolves over time. The kind of love I have for my husband now is very different than the kind I had when we were first married. Both were good, it's just different.

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I think trust is essential to a healthy love. Would also like to add that " love" evolves over time. The kind of love I have for my husband now is very different than the kind I had when we were first married. Both were good, it's just different.

I noticed that love can evolve too, spot on.

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Love must be a reaction to something real and actual, and not towards an image or fantasy. 

 

You must have a container first, and then you add the liquid.  It doesn't make any logical sense the other way around. 

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Regarding the evolution of love, someone once said: When you are young, you want each other. When you are old, you need each other.

Like two branches from the tree of life, the more they swirl around each other the harder it will be to separate them. This is also why it is important to spend time with your spouse, when two people dont grow together, they usually grow apart.

Now the tree has branches, but it does also have roots, we all start at the center. You want to be a branch, you want it to be a strong branch so you find another branch to swirl around, making you both strongers. You want the combined branches to reach the top of the tree and you want the branch to blossom and give fruits, before autum ends and the winds of the silent winter can be felt.

Sorry for rambling.

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Loved the rant IbnSina and the video was also wonderful Sumayyeh.

 

Some more content to add to this discussion:

 

 

Infatuation, limerance, lust, romantic feelings—all of these are mistaken as love, or are viewed as necessary precursors to real love and entering into an intimate relationship with another human being.  But the reality is that these supposed “precursors”—physical attraction, butterflies in the stomach, giddiness, limerance, lust, romantic feelings—are some of the most questionable and least reliable predictors of whether a relationship will succeed or fail.

 

Yet this sentimental, heart-heavy, head-light, and likely very ignorant and unrealistic view of “love” is what Madison Avenue, Hollywood, and publishing houses continue to offer in abundance—for the simple reason that it sells so well!  This is the view of love that seemingly most people want to believe. 

 

And this is the view of love that feels so good to believe!No matter what we believe or hope love is or how we try to define it, love ultimately will be some form of an ideal. It is either an ideal (or idealized) state of emotion and feeling, or an idealized state of connection, or it is an idealized state or level of behavior (“state” meaning consistent or near constant) and being/personhood, or some combination of some or each of the above.

 

Clearly the vast majority of human beings—and the vast majority of those in Hollywood and the publishing industry behind what is offered for consumption and for profit—is the view of love as some idealized state of feeling and physical attraction and psychological connection.

 

And all of that is reflective of the average level of differentiation of most people in our society—those who buy what the media sells, and those who create and produce what the media sells and publishes.

 

We as a society and a culture generally don’t seem to value substance over style, growth over comfort, and difficulty over the path of least resistance. So what tends to sell really well is what tends to pander to people’s congenital tastes and preferences and naïve hopes and desires, not their higher possibilities and aspirations and deepest wisdom. And so there is this vicious cycle where most people buy and consume what feels and tastes good, which only tends to furthers atrophy and weaken and stultify them, which in turn creates more of a market for more of the same material that promises to have more of the same anesthetizing, stultifying, hypnotizing, dreamy-eye, mind-softening effect.  Et cetera.

https://realtruelove.wordpress.com/2013/10/29/love-is-a-verb-i-didnt-love-my-wife-when-we-got-married-the-real-truth-about-love/

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i think what you're talking about is falling in love with our own expectations. being able to look past them is love in its truest form.

The fact that people love one other is the very reason why they destroy each other.

karbala is where lovers quench their thirst. rest is just noise.

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