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Caliguy

Long Distance Intimacy?

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Hello.

 

I need some advice in dealing with long distance relationship with my wife. The thing is that, currently i am waiting for my wife visa approval. During this time we talk on phone for hours, which i have no problem with, because my job allows me to speak to my wife when i am there.

 

The problem arises, when i am off two days and at home. During this time i feel like getting intimate with her, and i want a release my desires through masturbation. Which is haram act, and i feel guilty afterwards, so should i make a excuse, so i dont speak to her those two days?

 

Thank You.

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Salam brother,

 

I partially gave you my answer to this subject in the brothers section, but to answer the question at hand, if i were you i would have said it like it is. Like not make a made up excuse because then she might start to think stuff and question herself, etc. 

Just tell it like it is and do not have contact with her during those two days, that would probably be a good thing too, you would long more to talk to each other and not grow tired of each others voices. That would be my suggestion, inshaAllah kheyr.

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Salam

 

I think if you are able to have excuses and refuse her, so do it.

But if it will conclude worse, you may talk with her during 2 days; and afterward going out for walking maybe is efficient.

If it did not work, and you`ve to talk with her to keep your life; you may have a temporary marriage to avoid committing Haram. Of course be careful about the slipperness of this issue.

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Yeah, start your new life together by having mutah with someone ells to prove that you are an impatient, weak, ungrateful and undeserving person, BEST. IDEA. EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

 

Motah is one of the sollutions posed by Almighty Allah, and you are not in the position to talk about Islamic rules like this ... .

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SC is funny, obviously having self control and discipline is better than Mutah but everyone always gives the idea of Mutah first before self discipline. How come?

 

I just don't get it.

 

Mut'ah is mustahab in and of itself.

Edited by The Batman

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SC is funny, obviously having self control and discipline is better than Mutah but everyone always gives the idea of Mutah first before self discipline. How come?

 

I just don't get it.

some people understand the importance of self discipline after a number of bad expiernces (bad mut'ah contracts) and since you cannot enforce self discipline upon people , definitely not your own version of self descilpne , at least you will point out to the halal exist.

It is something called "being objective when being consulted and not pushing your own preferences upon others".

 

But i blame the synthetic additives to food that disrupts the hormone, the soft porn in almost everywhere and the over sexualization of human behaviour.

 

 

 

  • 2009 study published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health(link is external) looked at sexually active young adults (mean age 20.5). Approximately 20% said that their most recent sexual encounter was casual in nature. More men (29%) than women (14%) reported this. Ultimately, the research team found no significant differences in the psychological wellbeing of those who engaged in casual sex versus those who engaged in sex with a more serious partner, regardless of gender. They concluded, “Young adults who engage in casual sexual encounters do not appear to be at greater risk for harmful psychological outcomes than sexually active young adults in more committed relationships.”

     

  • In 2014, a study published in the Journal of Sex Research(link is external) looked at single, heterosexual college students age 18 to 25. The research found that a greater proportion of men (18.6%) than women (7.4%) said they’d had casual sex in the past month. Unlike the 2009 study, researchers found that, regardless of gender, casual sex was negatively associated with psychological wellbeing and positively correlated with psychological distress. Based on this, the research team concluded, “For emerging-adult college students, engaging in casual sex may elevate risk for negative psychological outcomes.”

     

  • Another 2014 study, this one published in Social Psychological & Personality Science(link is external), hypothesized that the mixed results of earlier research suggest multiple moderating factors in terms of how casual sex does (or does not) affect psychological wellbeing. Based on that, the research team chose to isolate the influence of what they referred to as “sociosexuality” among single college students. The study found that after having casual sex, sociosexually unrestricted students (those who were generally interested in and eager to have casual sex) typically reported improvements in psychological wellbeing afterward, while the psychological wellbeing of sociosexually restricted students was generally unaffected. Once again, gender did not influence the findings.

     

  • A study published in 2015 in Archives of Sexual Behavior also operated on the idea that there may be multiple moderating factors in terms of how casual sexual activity affects people. Researchers again chose to isolate one particular variable, in this case differences between “autonomous” and “non-autonomous” casual sexual behaviors. (Autonomous reasons for casual sex included things like: the subject was highly attracted to the other person; the subject wanted to experiment and explore his or her sexuality; the subject felt this would be a valuable learning experience, etc. Non-autonomous reasons included things like: the subject was drunk; the subject was hoping it would be more than just a casual encounter; the subject was seeking revenge on an ex, etc. The study found that, regardless of gender, the people having casual sex for autonomous reasons were for the most part unaffected by this activity, whereas those who engaged in casual sex for non-autonomous reasons typically experienced a decrease in psychological wellbeing.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201506/what-are-the-psychological-effects-casual-sex?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

 

islam acknowledge that sex, food and the need to survive are instincts rather than conscious decisions. Their drive comes from our primitive brains which are quicker than our conscious calculated decisions and stronger.

For that, the laws regarding these things are considerate and understandable.

 

self discipline is the process of empowering the human unique brain enters of decision making, with self discipline we train our brain to send impulses to the conscious brain enters as much or even more than the impulses to primitive brain, which makes us more rational and more human and less animals.

it isn't fast process but needs time and commitment. some of us just couldn't care and would live as regular human of this age.

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Yeah, start your new life together by having mutah with someone ells to prove that you are an impatient, weak, ungrateful and undeserving person, BEST. IDEA. EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

 

If he fears committing haram, or has committed haram, than it is out of his hand. He must get married, it becomes wajib.

 

 

Salam

 

I think if you are able to have excuses and refuse her, so do it.

But if it will conclude worse, you may talk with her during 2 days; and afterward going out for walking maybe is efficient.

If it did not work, and you`ve to talk with her to keep your life; you may have a temporary marriage to avoid committing Haram. Of course be careful about the slipperness of this issue.

 

The only problem with this is that he will be most likely obliged to find a Muslim wife to have mut'a with, rather than a Kitabi. Because if he wants to do mut'a with a kitabi whilst still being marriage, he would have to get his wife's permission.

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^Also have in mind that in this particular case the person in question is married and it is only a matter of time before he is with his wife and they are just about to start their new lives together.

 

SC is funny, obviously having self control and discipline is better than Mutah but everyone always gives the idea of Mutah first before self discipline. How come?

 

I just don't get it.

 

I understand that he is married, and I know that patience is really a virtue.

 

BUT: when he is away from his wife, and he is going to commit haram; then it is definitely better to marry temporarily. 

If he fears committing haram, or has committed haram, than it is out of his hand. He must get married, it becomes wajib.

 

 

 

The only problem with this is that he will be most likely obliged to find a Muslim wife to have mut'a with, rather than a Kitabi. Because if he wants to do mut'a with a kitabi whilst still being marriage, he would have to get his wife's permission.

 

 

WHEN HE IS AWAY FROM HIS WIFE, and he can not find a muslim for Mutah, he can marry a Kitabi temporarily.

there will be no problem.

SC is funny, obviously having self control and discipline is better than Mutah but everyone always gives the idea of Mutah first before self discipline. How come?

 

I just don't get it.

If you read my idea, I did not give the idea of motah at first.

 

Salam

 

I think if you are able to have excuses and refuse her, so do it.

But if it will conclude worse, you may talk with her during 2 days; and afterward going out for walking maybe is efficient.

If it did not work, and you`ve to talk with her to keep your life; you may have a temporary marriage to avoid committing Haram. Of course be careful about the slipperness of this issue.

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If my husband went ahead with a mutah while being married to me we'd probably be divorced - there's such a thing as self-control you know

the choice isn't between a loyal husband monogamous and a loyal husband but polygamous 

it is a choice between loyal husband polygamous and a fornicator who absolved the great oath of marriage .A man who, if shamelessly doing what he is doing, deserve to be stoned to death< that's how much distasteful he will be.

or someone who will engage in sexual activities that will distance him from religion , put him at risk of developing other preverted behaviours etc.

 

a straight man who is polygamous or prevertedl monogamous ?

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SC is funny, obviously having self control and discipline is better than Mutah but everyone always gives the idea of Mutah first before self discipline. How come?

 

I just don't get it.

Because it's easier.

 

Let us not forget that some good companions engaged in Mut'ah, for example, during times of war. These are people who lived at the time of the Prophet (pbuh) who were "unable" to exercise "self-control". I used the words in quotes loosely. Surely self-control was even easier back then than it is now. Yet those men are not accused of being "weak" and what not.

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What if the first post were written by a woman? Would you be telling her to do mutah too? (Women can have high libidos too!!) How would it be fair that a man in the exact same position got to do mutah and that a female did not?

A virgin girl needs the permission of her guardian to get married. A virgin man does not.

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And what about patience and discipline?

 

To not do haram and to not do something morally questionable, is that not better? Will that not build character? Is that not being a man?

 

Not sure what you are on about here exactly? Muta isnt morally questionable. It is a marriage (and it's about time Shia start speaking of it as one) that comes with a truck load of responsibilities. 

 

Who said not to have patience and discipline? 

 

 

Hello.

 

I need some advice in dealing with long distance relationship with my wife. The thing is that, currently i am waiting for my wife visa approval. During this time we talk on phone for hours, which i have no problem with, because my job allows me to speak to my wife when i am there.

 

The problem arises, when i am off two days and at home. During this time i feel like getting intimate with her, and i want a release my desires through masturbation. Which is haram act, and i feel guilty afterwards, so should i make a excuse, so i dont speak to her those two days?

 

Thank You.

 

 

One way to solve this would be to try and do extra work at home and speak to her only during your work hours whilst at work. This will give you something to do at home instead of speaking to her and risk falling into sin and then give you time to talk with your wife in an environment where you arent going to commit these forms of sin in. 

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What if the first post were written by a woman? Would you be telling her to do mutah too? (Women can have high libidos too!!) How would it be fair that a man in the exact same position got to do mutah and that a female did not?

 

Sister, you should keep in mind that most of the men who suggest mutah for any and every situation under the sun on here are not married, have never been married, have never done mutah (and in all likelihood never will). Most of them have no personal experience in these matters and are simply basing their opinions on the hypothetical, which isn't always realistic, and on what they've read on forums such as this one, which isn't entirely realistic either. Interestingly though, everyone on SC is an expert on marriage, especially the unmarried.  :D

 

Edit: 

No offense intended to any of the posters in this thread but simply voicing the observation that the men who have never done mutah on here seem to be the most fervent about it while the ones who have seem to have a more subdued view and refrain from suggesting it for every problem.

Edited by alina92

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Not sure how that is relevant...

Nobody encourages a woman to go do mut'ah cuz in the end she needs parental consent (usually she's a virgin and never been married, and so there's no point, she should be asking her dad, not people on forums), whereas the man does not need parental consent and so it's fine to encourage him. That's just one of the relevant points, I don't feel like spelling out the rest.

Seems like your the type to have a problem with Islamic principles such as the wife having to ask her husband for permission to leave the house. I apologize if I've assumed too much.

 

 

Sister, you should keep in mind that most of the men who suggest mutah for any and every situation under the sun on here are not married, have never been married, have never done mutah (and in all likelihood never will). Most of them have no personal experience in these matters and are simply basing their opinions on the hypothetical, which isn't always realistic, and on what they've read on forums such as this one, which isn't entirely realistic either. Interestingly though, everyone on SC is an expert on marriage, especially the unmarried.  :D

 

Edit: 

No offense intended to any of the posters in this thread but simply voicing the observation that the men who have never done mutah on here seem to be the most fervent about it while the ones who have seem to have a more subdued view and refrain from suggesting it for every problem.

You'd be surprised. Often times us shia men don't come out and say we've engaged in mut'ah, because unfortunately as you witnessed above, there is some sort of stigma even amongst us shia. And so for a lot of us, we tend not to broadcast it.

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What if the first post were written by a woman? Would you be telling her to do mutah too? (Women can have high libidos too!!) How would it be fair that a man in the exact same position got to do mutah and that a female did not?

 

Lol. Feminist propaganda. No they can't. They have 1,000,000 times more self-control than males.

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Lol. Feminist propaganda. No they can't. They have 1,000,000 times more self-control than males.

So all women have low libidos and all men have high ones? That just isn't true.

Nobody encourages a woman to go do mut'ah cuz in the end she needs parental consent (usually she's a virgin and never been married, and so there's no point, she should be asking her dad, not people on forums), whereas the man does not need parental consent and so it's fine to encourage him. That's just one of the relevant points, I don't feel like spelling out the rest.

Seems like your the type to have a problem with Islamic principles such as the wife having to ask her husband for permission to leave the house. I apologize if I've assumed too much.

 

The OP posted about being long-distance from his WIFE. What you're talking about is an entirely different topic all together. The OP, I'm assuming, is referring to a situation where the husband is NOT a virgin (as he has a wife) and is long-distance. People seem to want to encourage his married man to do mutah given his high libido. My post was also about a married woman (so therefore not a virgin) and what equivalent solution she would have available to her if she had a high libido and was long-distance from her husband.

 

The parental consent is an entirely separate/different issue from the topic at hand, so I won't comment on that here (although, rest assured, I do have much to say). And yes, you are making assumptions that are unfounded.

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So all women have low libidos and all men have high ones? That just isn't true.

 

The OP posted about being long-distance from his WIFE. What you're talking about is an entirely different topic all together. The OP, I'm assuming, is referring to a situation where the husband is NOT a virgin (as he has a wife) and is long-distance. People seem to want to encourage his married man to do mutah given his high libido. My post was also about a married woman (so therefore not a virgin) and what equivalent solution she would have available to her if she had a high libido and was long-distance from her husband.

 

The parental consent is an entirely separate/different issue from the topic at hand, so I won't comment on that here (although, rest assured, I do have much to say). And yes, you are making assumptions that are unfounded.

Woah what? Maybe I'm just being stupid and misunderstanding so correct me but, you're saying a married woman should be entitled to mut'ah also if it's purely on the basis of desire?

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^Isn't that what we're telling the married man?

 

I understand what you are saying but be careful about implying things. We have some very young and naive members. 

 

Also, this is a cultural, not a religious issue. In many cultures, including Arab and Indian/Pakistani cultures, it is seen as perfectly fine for the man to go off for months and leave his wife. Some have to do this for survival reasons, so the family doesn't starve, but some also do it for other reasons. Islamically, it is not ok for the man to leave his wife alone for more than 40 days without an extremely good reason, like survival issues. Because women have these needs also, and the religion recognizes this. There is religion, and there is culture. Two separate things. 

 

I know that many of you on SC are from an Indo/Pak background and it is considered normal to get in a fight with your wife and send her back to her parents for weeks or months, etc. But for muslims from other cultural backgrounds, even Arabs, this is not normal. The wife would ask for a divorce if this happened, and she would get one.  I didn't believe it when I first started hearing about it, but I have heard it so many times that I guess it must really happen. 

 

From an Islamic perspective, you cannot deny your wife the right of intimacy for 40 days or more. If a man does that, he is doing haram, yes haram unless she of her own free will rescinds that right or it is an issue of life and death. Otherwise it is not allowed. This is a clear issue which is recognized by all marjaa' that I know of. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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^Isn't that what we're telling the married man?

 

Let us not forget that some good companions engaged in Mut'ah, for example, during times of war. These are people who lived at the time of the Prophet (pbuh) who were "unable" to exercise "self-control". I used the words in quotes loosely. Surely self-control was even easier back then than it is now. Yet those men are not accused of being "weak" and what not.

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