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In the Name of God بسم الله
Caliguy

Why is this haram between husband & wife?

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Asalamalekum,

 

Currently i am living away from my wife due to her visa issues, and involved in long distance relationship. We speak with each other on skype and phone, my problem is of that of all men who are facing similar issue like men. I fail to control my urges, once i chat with my wife and masturbate. 

 

When i wasn't married, i would control myself long periods of time and not masturbate, but after marriage it is even harder. Because i am chatting with my wife and the urges naturally kicks in. I understand that for a bachelor it is haram to masturbate because he would imagine other women to masturbate to. But i simply don't understand the logic behind, even if a man thinks of his wife in extreme circumstances and masturbate?

 

In quran it is mention, "we should guard our private parts except from our spouse" but it doesn't clearly says a lot into masturbation when a man is thinking of his wife?

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All sexual activity outside of marriage is haram. Masturbation is not sexual activity within marriage, even if you happen to be married, and hence is also haram, just as sexual relations with another woman would not be allowed without a marriage contract.

Until your wife's visa problems are resolved, it would probably be better for you to avoid certain topics of discussion, and try to visit her in the meantime.

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even if you are speaking to her on the phone/skyping whilst doing so, when you masturbate you are still comitting sexual acts with yourself and not your wife e.g whether you are speaking to your wife whilst doing so, or a random woman, or nobody at all, you are still basically having sex with yourself , doesnt make a difference

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even if you are speaking to her on the phone/skyping whilst doing so, when you masturbate you are still comitting sexual acts with yourself and not your wife e.g whether you are speaking to your wife whilst doing so, or a random woman, or nobody at all, you are still basically having sex with yourself , doesnt make a difference

 

 

All sexual activity outside of marriage is haram. Masturbation is not sexual activity within marriage, even if you happen to be married, and hence is also haram, just as sexual relations with another woman would not be allowed without a marriage contract.

Until your wife's visa problems are resolved, it would probably be better for you to avoid certain topics of discussion, and try to visit her in the meantime.

 

 

Im guessing you run the risk of getting addicted if you start.

I know guys who has gfs and still masterbates and in some cases perfer to masterbate because it is less of a hassle. Fun life.

okay i know it is haraam, but what do i do, there is no other alternative. If i try controlling i can only do it for certain period of time and afterwards, i give in and the guilty thoughts start pouring in. I think there is a huge difference when you masturbate using porn or lusting after other woman, than when you have to masturbate in extreme situation. Obviously no one wants to use his hand when his wife is around, but i think extra ordinary circumstances need extra ordinary measures. I think islam is a religion to make a man life easy and simple, but this law is very controversial. I know some Sunni alims have relaxed this law for those men who are in my position and there wives are away. I think some muftis have made this law makrh or permissible.

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Dear brother,

As I've understood the Shia fiqh, the top scholars of the fiqh of Ahlulbayt we have are there to deduce the law from the Quran, Sunnah, and Hadith as opposed to changing the law on their own or going against the spirit of law. Hence you see Shia fiqh is so extremely reflective of Quranic teachings such as strict laws around eating certain sea food, rules of divorce, and rules around doing wudhu etc.

What you describe of Sunni scholars relaxing the law on their own does not surprise me as they have relaxed other basic tenets on their own as well, such as about a decade old Sunni fatwa of eating the meat of dead animals from western chains even if they are not zabiha etc.

For your particular problem, I would highly recommend to go visit her personally. By doing what you are doing now, you are inviting shaytan in your blessed and holy Union (aka Nikah) which you have established in front of Allah swt. Islamic marriage is too holy and too pure to ruin it for the whims inspired by shaytan.

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Dear brother,

As I've understood the Shia fiqh, the top scholars of the fiqh of Ahlulbayt we have are there to deduce the law from the Quran, Sunnah, and Hadith as opposed to changing the law on their own or going against the spirit of law. Hence you see Shia fiqh is so extremely reflective of Quranic teachings such as strict laws around eating certain sea food, rules of divorce, and rules around doing wudhu etc.

What you describe of Sunni scholars relaxing the law on their own does not surprise me as they have relaxed other basic tenets on their own as well, such as about a decade old Sunni fatwa of eating the meat of dead animals from western chains even if they are not zabiha etc.

For your particular problem, I would highly recommend to go visit her personally. By doing what you are doing now, you are inviting shaytan in your blessed and holy Union (aka Nikah) which you have established in front of Allah swt. Islamic marriage is too holy and too pure to ruin it for the whims inspired by shaytan.

thanks for your advice, but it is immpossible to travel to my every few months airline tickets etc.

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Dear brother Caliguy,

In Islam everything is charity, that includes calling and meeting your wife, seeing her face, having conjugal relations with her, talking to her nicely, buying gifts for her as long as you are fulfilling other monetary obligations of parents and poor relatives, holding her hands, talking to her, listening to her no matter how trivial some talks sound to you, going by her clock of biological needs and not forcing yourself on her in schedule and in methods both, spending money on her to do hajj and ziarat, having her live in affordable luxury, bottom line anything you could do to make her worldly life better so she could become a good and obedient slave of Allah swt.

And do all this with the intention of "not making her glad", but with the intention of making your Allah swt happy.

Do this and the money you use to buy plane tickets will be considered charity, and you know what Allah swt does with charity, he returns it ten folds.

Edited by Irfani313

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You can still control yourself, I know because I have done so myself, it is just a question of will power, discipline and endurance.

Bro.

Can you give me some tips, were you in a similar position as i am now? How long were you in that kind of relationship and how did you control yourself? Basically my libido kicks in when i speak to her or chat with her.

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Bro.

Can you give me some tips, were you in a similar position as i am now? How long were you in that kind of relationship and how did you control yourself? Basically my libido kicks in when i speak to her or chat with her.

 

I was/am virgin and 26 yr old. I got into a distance mutah with a sister, which was the first time for me, she lived in a different country, we talked on the phone, flight and hotel booked, mutah ended before we got to meet because she found someone that wanted perm marriage. I did not do stuff to myself before i got into the mutah, but when my mind was telling me that basically the pain would be over soon, my libido spiked thousandfold, still i did not do stuff to myself, even when talking about provocative subjects, still i did nothing, even though my body went nuts and uncontrollable, still i did nothing. When the mutah ended and left me in a extremely frustrating situation, where i had like a box of 50 condoms in front of me, still i did nothing. The whole experience was just a torment to an already tormented person. Still i do nothing, do you know how hard it is? 

 

Brother, what you are doing to yourself is really ungrateful to Allah(SWT), He blessed you with a wife, which many of us dream of and you thank him by being impatient?

You say she has visa issues so one day they will inshaAllah be resolved? 

 

What you are going thru is like fasting, your hungry but not allowed to eat however you are not starving, because you know that when the sun goes down you have a table full of food waiting for you. You just have to show resilience until then.

No, starving is when you are hungry but have no idea of when you will get food, so you just end up slowly dying instead.

 

So for you it is to fast, for us it is to starve.

 

There are no tricks to this brother, nobody is actually physically forcing you to do stuff to yourself and what is stopping you from just stopping? Nothing and no one but yourself. You will feel immense pain and the pain will get greater for each day that passes, have no doubt about it and embrace yourself for it. Everything you do will be done with pain, walking will hurt, talking will hurt, waking up will hurt, going to sleep will hurt, etc.

But at least you will be able to look yourself in the eyes when facing the mirror without feeling shame and you wont have to feel disgusted by yourself and ashamed during salaat, at least not for this particular reason.

 

Some practical advice is to always walk dressed at home and while talking to her, don't walk around in your underwear only, keep touching of your private parts to an absolute necessary minimum, such as while visiting the WC or showering, do not sleep on your stomach and do not go to sleep with your hand near your private parts.

 

I pray for you that your wife's visa issues will get resolved as fast as possible, because I know what you are going thru and the pain that comes with it, just take comfort in the fact that you have a wife and that your days of this kind of pain will inshaAllah soon be over.

 

Patience, discipline and will power.

Edited by IbnSina

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I was/am virgin and 26 yr old. I got into a distance mutah with a sister, which was the first time for me, she lived in a different country, we talked on the phone, flight and hotel booked, mutah ended before we got to meet because she found someone that wanted perm marriage. I did not do stuff to myself before i got into the mutah, but when my mind was telling me that basically the pain would be over soon, my libido spiked thousandfold, still i did not do stuff to myself, even when talking about provocative subjects, still i did nothing, even though my body went nuts and uncontrollable, still i did nothing. When the mutah ended and left me in a extremely frustrating situation, where i had like a box of 50 condoms in front of me, still i did nothing. The whole experience was just a torment to an already tormented person. Still i do nothing, do you know how hard it is? 

 

Brother, what you are doing to yourself is really ungrateful to Allah(SWT), He blessed you with a wife, which many of us dream of and you thank him by being impatient?

You say she has visa issues so one day they will inshaAllah be resolved? 

 

What you are going thru is like fasting, your hungry but not allowed to eat however you are not starving, because you know that when the sun goes down you have a table full of food waiting for you. You just have to show resilience until then.

No, starving is when you are hungry but have no idea of when you will get food, so you just end up slowly dying instead.

 

So for you it is to fast, for us it is to starve.

 

There are no tricks to this brother, nobody is actually physically forcing you to do stuff to yourself and what is stopping you from just stopping? Nothing and no one but yourself. You will feel immense pain and the pain will get greater for each day that passes, have no doubt about it and embrace yourself for it. Everything you do will be done with pain, walking will hurt, talking will hurt, waking up will hurt, going to sleep will hurt, etc.

But at least you will be able to look yourself in the eyes when facing the mirror without feeling shame and you wont have to feel disgusted by yourself and ashamed during salaat, at least not for this particular reason.

 

Some practical advice is to always walk dressed at home and while talking to her, don't walk around in your underwear only, keep touching of your private parts to an absolute necessary minimum, such as while visiting the WC or showering, do not sleep on your stomach and do not go to sleep with your hand near your private parts.

 

I pray for you that your wife's visa issues will get resolved as fast as possible, because I know what you are going thru and the pain that comes with it, just take comfort in the fact that you have a wife and that your days of this kind of pain will inshaAllah soon be over.

 

Patience, discipline and will power.

Salamalekum Brother,

 

I thank you for taking the time and discussing this topic. I am sorry for what you went through regarding your muta episode and can understand your ordeal and salute you for your resilience. I knew that it is difficult for me to find a girl in states, so i went back to my native place and allamdulliah found my wife. Yeah this period is really monumental task for me, but i am doing my best and hanging in there. I hope you find your partner soon, and Allah (swt) reward you with a loyal wife.

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Being married and then being physically away from your spouse for months/years  is extremely difficult and frustrating - much more than an unmarried person can know. 

But something even more difficult - almost unbelievably difficult is when you get married - have the nikah, and a wedding reception and all guests come, and you meet your wife on the function, and sit next to her.... And when the function ends, you go to your home and she goes back to her home. 

Why? Because even though you get Islamically married that day, are husband and wife....but due to some unavoidable circumstances you cannot start living together right away. 

So for the next one year, you see your wife almost every other day, visit her house, sit next to her....but circumstances are such that there is no privacy. You cannot even hold hands or go out together or have any moment where only you two are present. 

Imagine a husband and wife seeing each other for one year...but in a way as if they are non mehrums to each other. Except that the wife does not do hijab in front of her husband....but the husband can only look at her, but not touch her. 

When an unmarried person commits a sexual sin, his punishment is half that of a married person. But if a person is married, and can see and meet his wife, but never alone, and can never be physical with her, would he be liable for a full punishment if he commits masturbation thinking about his wife? Whether full or half... masturbation will remain masturbation. Even in extremely, extreme situations such as this...where a man has his wife in front of him,  but there is no possibility for any privacy....masturbation will still not be allowed. 

Being married and yet having to control your sexual urges in front of your wife - for months - requires immense and extra ordinary level of sexual patience, but it still does not mean that masturbation will become permissible. 

This also shows that not everyone who gets married, has actually reached the end of his battle against sexual urges - infact for some people getting married can mean the start of an even greater level of struggle to control the sexual desire, if they cannot live with their spouses for months/years. 

Imam as- Sadiq (عليه السلام) said: 

Any person that sees a woman and is attracted to her must go to his wife and engage in sexual intercourse with her, because that which the other woman has, the wife also has, and one must not give Satan a way into one’s heart. And if one does not have a wife, he must pray a two Rak°at Ŝalāt, praise Allāh a lot, recite Ŝalawāt on the Prophet and his Ahlul Bayt, and request Allāh to grant him a believing and religious wife and that He makes him needless from the forbidden.”

But what would be the case if the man is attracted to his own wife, but cannot even touch her ?!

Those who get married and have the blessing of living with their spouses right from the first day should thank Allah for this. It is not something to be taken for granted. 

Edited by Anonymous-Male

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2 hours ago, Anonymous-Male said:

 

Those who get married and have the blessing of living with their spouses right from the first day should thank Allah for this. It is not something to be taken for granted. 

I didn't even consider the male's struggle of Nikah then waiting several months to a year to have the wedding party and/or moving in. 

For my physical and financial protection, I already inshaallah wanted get to know my future spouse by having a chaperone around each time, and then having nikah, western legal marriage, wedding party, and start living together on the same day.

Edited by Lilly14

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9 hours ago, Anonymous-Male said:

Why? Because even though you get Islamically married that day, are husband and wife....but due to some unavoidable circumstances you cannot start living together right away

Are these circumstances something cultural? 

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) ease your difficulties. 

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Alhumdolillah, I was married and started living with my spouse many years ago, but had to pass through what I described. There are people who face such situations after marriage. 

The circumstances which caused the initial separation are not entirely cultural - I believe it can happen in any culture due to the circumstances. But what is partly cultural is that once Islamically married, a man and a woman should have their own freedom, even when not living together. But that doesn't happen and restrictions are put on the couple. Although some of these are quite reasonable, valid and understandable, nevertheless they are not exactly sanctioned by Islam. However, if a man is not providing sustainence to his wife, then he doesn't automatically have any rights on her either - so it's a complicated issue. 

I heard Imam Ali (عليه السلام) himself spent 4 months without Hazrat Fatima (عليه السلام) after their nikah. This was because he did not have a house of his own and was sharing a house with someone. 

So, people who start living with their spouses from the first day should be thankful to Allah, that they didn't have to go through a period of even greater struggle after marriage than before it. 

Edited by Anonymous-Male

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Question :

If while one is looking at pictures or videos of his wife that are sexually arousing, his body subconsciously begins to exert efforts to ejaculate, which will happen if one puts slight internal pressure on his genitalia to release, without the use of one's hands or anything else. Is such an act permissible? Or is it tantamount to masturbation?

Answer :

It is not permissible to move the sexual organ using hands or any other means. It is permissible to view videos or pictures of the wife that cause sexual arousal.

http://www.alhakeem.com/en/questions/680

Yes, although if one is sure that looking at wife will cause sexual arousal - resulting in masturbation, then it would perhaps be better (or may be even necessary) for the man to lower his gaze from his own wife. Masturbation is prohibited to such an extent that even if a man is subconsciously aroused by looking at his wife, this too would be problematic if it leads to masturbation. 

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On 8/18/2015 at 10:46 AM, Caliguy said:

When I wasn't married, I would control myself long periods of time and not masturbate, but after marriage it is even harder.

 

Hear that guys? Looks like we're totally screwed now.. 

20200125_204954.png

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Guest Anonymous

Precisely- to my knowledge, if a husband gets aroused by talking and looking at his wife there is no issue with that at all, even if it results in naturally ejaculating. The issue is with the physical act of bringing this about himself where it leads to ejaculation. 

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19 hours ago, Anonymous-Male said:

I heard Imam Ali (عليه السلام) himself spent 4 months without Hazrat Fatima (عليه السلام) after their nikah. This was because he did not have a house of his own and was sharing a house with someone. 

Salam it's first time that I see such story but in all stories said that they started their life together with minimum stuff right after Nikah .

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Wa'salam.

It was not right after nikah. 

https://www.hujjat.org/articles/ahlul-bayt/wedding-of-Imam-Ali-to-bibi-Fatima-1st-zil-Hajj/

A few days later, I.e., in Zilhajj (the 12th month), Fatima Zahra had to bid farewell to her parental home so she could go to the house of her husband. 

-------

I read somewhere that it was actually 4 months gap between nikah and moving in, because Imam Ali (عليه السلام) didn't have his own house. 

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