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In the Name of God بسم الله
mina

Would You Be A Second Wife?

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But essentially, for a woman in a Western country, I think an angry reaction is an instinctive reaction to all the above factors, because it can be seen as somewhat insulting in various subtle ways... I think it's almost like getting asked to be his mistress, because it would have to be kept somewhat secret.  So getting angry in the context of all that is understandable.

Yes, as a woman living in the west i found it very rude and insulting to be asked to be a second wife.

It actually happened to me when I was studying in the Middle East.

A senior surgeon asked wether I could consider marrying him and move to live in his city and I happily agreed because I thought he was single, untill I found out later he's not.

Such a thing would never happen to me in the west. The Muslim western men might not be very religious but when it comes to marriage they take it seriously, and I like this about them... they wouldn't lie or cheat to get what they want.

Forgive me sisters , but I would like to share my thoughts on the subject: I, as a Muslim man, understand that I can marry and have four wives but I would rather devote my life and focus on one woman for the rest of my life. I understand that it is my Islamic right according to our fiqh, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, let alone justify it.

GC, you're just too good to be true, in my opinion this is how an ideal Muslim guy should be. God bless you!

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There was an article a while back, about a growing trend in the Uk (?), there are many single professional women who want to pursue their careers and have no interest in having children, but they want a husband in order to fulfill their physical and emotional needs, so they want to be a second wife and all they want from the husband is their share of his time, as they have their money, it wouldn't affect the man's finances.

 

However, I don't think that this goes down well with most women either.

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Dear sisters Starlight, Mina313, and Laayla,

May Allah swt bless your insight into Islam. As listed by sister Laayla, it's mostly #3, 4, and 8 that I've personally encountered in family, friends, and acquaintances.

While people casually accuse men who opt for Allah's solutions of victims of their desire or lust, I've found Islamic allowance of marriages, temp or perm, for men a wonderful solution for husbands cheating on their wives by watching filth, reading filth, visiting filth, or doing filth.

Sisters and brothers who oppose it need not answer but I ask you what would be acceptable, a husband who does all those haram or stick to halal even though it may momentarily makes you feel bad?

People call it deficiency but I call it default design of a woman and I fully accept if my observation is proven wrong. I've never encountered a woman who can keep with a man's cycle of desire, I've heard complaints and refusals around taking the number of ghusl per day, or being available for kids, or just the stress of attending a wedding or a business around inviting a bunch of friends or having in laws over. What a man has to do in such circumstances? Yes I understand taqwa and control but don't we live in a crazy sexualized society where all norms have been turned on their heads, I guess the only thing that is left from being legalized is beastility in our satanic cultures.

From men's perspective, our wive(s) become our first and the last defense against such filth mongering, imagine a battle trench where your troop is absent because she has a headache due to general stress of life; rightfully so because Allah has not made her to shoulder all that on her own which unfortunately she wants to on her own singular, weak and delicate self.

I apologize again for being explicit but please recite a loud Salawat for sisters attempting to understand the agony of pious Muslim men.

Edited by Irfani313

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Yes, as a woman living in the west i found it very rude and insulting to be asked to be a second wife.

It actually happened to me when I was studying in the Middle East.

A senior surgeon asked wether I could consider marrying him and move to live in his city and I happily agreed because I thought he was single, untill I found out later he's not.

Such a thing would never happen to me in the west. The Muslim western men might not be very religious but when it comes to marriage they take it seriously, and I like this about them... they wouldn't lie or cheat to get what they want.

 

Clearly you haven't been living in the West like you say you were. You'll be in for a shock when you get married to a "not very religious Western muslim man".

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Clearly you haven't been living in the West like you say you were. You'll be in for a shock when you get married to a "not very religious Western muslim man".

The "married" men I saw in the Middle East were much shocking.... Right now, I live in a religious Muslim town and I've seen only good from the muslim men here.... inshallah in future I'll marry one.

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GC, you're just too good to be true, in my opinion this is how an ideal Muslim guy should be. God bless you!

Thanks, Endless, your words are much too kind and give me too much credit. I was only sharing my views after much thought and thinking. Sigh, shame that there are almost no Shia where I live. :/

P.S. I am not too good to be true, there are people out there like me and credit goes to my mother for the person I am today.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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This is one of those questions where either 'yes' or 'no' is the correct answer

 

For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah

all while never having to be a second wife. 

 

For the women who said 'yes', then there is nothing in Islam that is stopping you from this. 

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah

All while being a second wife

 

The only problem I think we have in the muslim community regarding this is that it seems sometimes that women

who choose to be a second wife are looked down upon by other women and gheeba is done about them

This is something that is wrong and shouldn't happen. Other than that, it's a choice which Allah(s.w.a) gives to his servants. 

 

I think the reason why polygamy is rare in the West, while it is less rare in the Middle East is

 

1) Polygamy is illegal in most Western Countries (despite the fact that gay marriage is now legal in most Western countries, go figure)

 Most people would like to stay within the law. Polygamy is not illegal in the Middle East

2) Polygamy is expensive. Since it is the man who is obligated to support the wife or wives financially, (except in mutah) and since living and maintaining even one household in most Western countries is expensive, maintaining two or more is nearly impossible. 

3) Women in the West are not as 'cool' with the idea of polygamy. As can be seen from the majority of the posts here. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

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I'm not married so my opinion may change after getting married but if I was a first wife, I would allow my husband to marry a second wife who needs support and find it difficult to remarry such as a divorcee/widow only because I understand how difficult it is to get married to a good man. This stance may very well change after I do get married and may become the "clingy" "possessive" type or if I feel our children (or myself) will need time to be with their father and having a second wife may not allow that. Of course the husband has to consent to it as well. If the husband suggested it to fulfill his worldly desire I may not be so kind lol.

 

Would I be a second wife? For now I wouldn't consider it maybe if I'm still single in my late thirties and the wife is completely okay with it and I am in a desperate need to get married or something ..maybe then I would. However, at this moment my ego won't allow me to lol.

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In my household to avoid such negative feelings amongst my wives which are common in all women, I never refer to them as 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th wife. When I introduced them to people they are referred as my wife when I'm in an islamic country, or as my partner in a non islamic country. They all have their own houses, with their own credit cards, cars and 2 have their own businesses. 2 of the wives live in another country, and some meet on special occasions, and some never meet at all. I provide for them the best life they can have with all the comforts of living including maids etc. When I travel some of the wives travel with me and we spend most of our time in hotels or resorts. The other wives that I have kids with prefer not the travel and I spend time at home with them. It's not easy, but neither is the normal monogamous marriage these days. The main reason all my wives agree to this type of arrangement is because I have a plan to serve our :Al-Hujjat atf. I have convinced them that it is our duty to serve him and prepare for him. This is my only unique selling point on getting 4 western women to agree to such a thing. Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

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This is one of those questions where either 'yes' or 'no' is the correct answer

For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah, all while never having to be a second wife. 

This is by far the most respectful comment written by a mod, on this entire topic.

Saying "No" doesn't mean the woman has less Tagwa or Iman, and she can be raised with Fatima Zahra (a.s).

A bouquet for you for being so understanding....

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Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

Sami, you should write a book about your life. I'll be the first SC member to buy it, not everyday I hear a story like yours.

I have few questions for you, I read your comment on another thread that you felt lonely, I don't understand why you still feel alone when you have so many wives around you. Are they just after your money to buy materialistic things? Do they provide emotional support when you feel lonely/depressed? Or for example when you miss Zohor Imam Mahdi (a.s) does anyone of your wife know how to comfort you.

If they really did, why do you give a strong impression of being alone in this world.

I don't know much about marriage (still single), but I think it's difficult for a man to emotionally support 4 wives at the same time. All the money, handbags and shoes can't buy happiness.... and for some western women (including myself) happiness is to stay a man's first wife till the end of life, inshallah after life too.

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This is one of those questions where either 'yes' or 'no' is the correct answer

 

For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a second wife, or not wanting your husband to take a second wife. There is however is a problem with the language some people use to talk about this topic. Polygamy is allowed in Islam, and is part of the sunnah of the Prophet (as is monogamy). As such, I do not think it is acceptable to attack the practice, or to talk about married men who propose to another woman as if they are sexual predators.

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Sami, you should write a book about your life. I'll be the first SC member to buy it, not everyday I hear a story like yours.

I have few questions for you, I read your comment on another thread that you felt lonely, I don't understand why you still feel alone when you have so many wives around you. Are they just after your money to buy materialistic things? Do they provide emotional support when you feel lonely/depressed? Or for example when you miss Zohor Imam Mahdi (a.s) does anyone of your wife know how to comfort you.

If they really did, why do you give a strong impression of being alone in this world.

I don't know much about marriage (still single), but I think it's difficult for a man to emotionally support 4 wives at the same time. All the money, handbags and shoes can't buy happiness.... and for some western women (including myself) happiness is to stay a man's first wife till the end of life, inshallah after life too.

I have been asked many times about writing a book about my life, it has been very interesting life and I am blessed to have been given such abundances from :Allah swt. But I'm a very private man, and I keep away from people as much as I can, I suffered from a rare form of Autism in my younger years of life which made me "unique" with abilities that most don't have, but this had consequences in my development. Even now in my 50s when I'm in a crowded shopping centre, I feel sick and my head spins around when people start looking at me, I can feel everything from them, it is quite scary. All I have are my wives and my kids, they understand me and support me the best they can. And that gets a lot sometimes for them. It is how it is when you live with a freak. This is why I turn to my :Imam atf, because I feel he understands me and he accepts me as I am, so I do everything to please him. I am in love with him and only him, as he came to me when I was in my  mother's womb. He left a fragrance so sweet that ever since then I fell in love and seek to find him all my life. As I read more about the islam his grandfathers have given to us, the more I fell in love. In Islam, there are clear instructions on how to treat your wives and your kids. It tells you how to raise kids and how to be kind loving toward the wives. It is very different to the commercial take on love and marriage that most of humans are engulfed in thanks to hollywood and bollywood. The main support is of course emotional then financial towards the wives, the more I love my Imam the more love i get to give to my wive and kids, it's wonderful. my wives are Eastern European and Russian, they look like western women but have attitudes of Eastern a mix made in heaven for men like me raised in the west. These women are hungry to meet real men who can support and offer comfort that they never had like seeing the ocean when they wake up, or spending all night under the stars and watching the sunrise whilst offering salaat on your own deserted beach. I have seen the ocean all my life and when I took one of my wives to see the ocean for the first time not one but 2 oceans in Panama, when I saw the glow in her eyes, I saw the magic of Allahs swt creation once again and i cried at the marvel and beauty of his grandeur. But with all this I am very alone, because my Imam is hidden and I waited nearly 60 years for him, and sometimes it gets too much for me because I'm just an old lonely man wanting for his true love to show soon inshallah.

I pray you find a man to take you closer to our beloved Imam atf, this is true and only love, everything else vanishes over time except  his love which lasts forever.

Edited by :Sami II

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In my household to avoid such negative feelings amongst my wives which are common in all women, I never refer to them as 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th wife. When I introduced them to people they are referred as my wife when I'm in an islamic country, or as my partner in a non islamic country. They all have their own houses, with their own credit cards, cars and 2 have their own businesses. 2 of the wives live in another country, and some meet on special occasions, and some never meet at all. I provide for them the best life they can have with all the comforts of living including maids etc. When I travel some of the wives travel with me and we spend most of our time in hotels or resorts. The other wives that I have kids with prefer not the travel and I spend time at home with them. It's not easy, but neither is the normal monogamous marriage these days. The main reason all my wives agree to this type of arrangement is because I have a plan to serve our :Al-Hujjat atf. I have convinced them that it is our duty to serve him and prepare for him. This is my only unique selling point on getting 4 western women to agree to such a thing. Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

How the heck do you afford it all? (What kind of business are you in, I'm clearly in the wrong field lol?)

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Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a second wife, or not wanting your husband to take a second wife. There is however is a problem with the language some people use to talk about this topic. Polygamy is allowed in Islam, and is part of the sunnah of the Prophet (as is monogamy). As such, I do not think it is acceptable to attack the practice, or to talk about married men who propose to another woman as if they are sexual predators.

I agree 100%. If I couldn't like your post twice, I would have. 

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How the heck do you afford it all? (What kind of business are you in, I'm clearly in the wrong field lol?)

In my younger days I use to be an investment banker working for the majors and totally indulging in haram earnings from the agony of destroying nations by getting families into debt and making the rich extremely richer. I left that long time ago and hid in the hills for a while, till i was called upon to use my skills to help the good people with good intentions to serve humanity and usher in an alternative paradigm of doing things. So I become a compassionate "venture capitalist" (CVC) and started to look into sustainable viable non riba based technologies and systems to serve humanity rather then destroy it. I used my contacts within the elites to fund some of these projects as they were commercially viable too. Not all the elites are blood thirty baby sacrificing billionaire crazed men. That journey really opened my eyes and I was rewarded well for it, then I went back into the hills. I have since come out of retirement which brought me into SC, so I may help my kids find wives/husbands and start their own businesses and begin their new lives inshallah. The world has changed so much and I feel for the younger generations, all the goal posts have changed and it's a new world out there , but I am learning again thanks to all of you here on SC.

May you be amongst the 313 and may our :Al-hujjat atf be pleased with you inshallah.

Edited by :Sami II

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