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mina

Would You Be A Second Wife?

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I've actually had decent and respectable married men propose to me. I didn't reject anyone outright, but in all cases, after discussing the feelings of the first wife, all the men agreed with me that a second marriage was not their best option.

(At least that's what they said. It's also perfectly possible that they voiced agreement with me, then just asked someone else.)

Even if it were a matter of being alone for life or being a second wife, I'd be unlikely to accept a married man's proposal. The only way I'd accept would be if he and his first wife discussed it with me together.

But as I said before, I'm already married so it isn't an issue for me.

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For a woman living in a Western country, I think a very angry reaction is understandable, if getting asked to be someone's second wife.

Because my impression is that when guys in Western countries do that, the first wife is kind of "the main wife", and then he decides he wants some "extra fun" and the second wife is, well, "secondary" (in the entire sense of the word). And most people, male or female, would see themselves as "the main event", not a sidedish.

And there are all kinds of other issues, because Western societies don't recognize 2nd wives... e.g. wife #1 is already listed as the "official wife" and will receive pension/survivor benefits if the husband dies, has the right to make joint medical/financial/banking/real estate decisions, etc.

In contrast, in Middle Eastern countries as Endless mentioned, polygamy is more common and legal structures can accommodate 2nd wives, so the multiple wives could see themselves as co-main wives.

But essentially, for a woman in a Western country, I think an angry reaction is an instinctive reaction to all the above factors, because it can be seen as somewhat insulting in various subtle ways... I think it's almost like getting asked to be his mistress, because it would have to be kept somewhat secret. So getting angry in the context of all that is understandable.

Also:

1) The secrecy aspect is because in most Western countries (perhaps all), if a guy is already married, then he can't get married again... it's illegal and called "bigamy". And Muslims are supposed to follow the laws where they live (unless the law is un-Islamic, like "you must eat pork every Tuesday"). So the secondary wife issue is moot in that sense.

2) Women can put in their marriage contract that the husband can't get a 2nd wife without the wife's permission, so that closes any possible loopholes (although obviously, one would want to trust him enough not to anyway, if he knew you wouldn't like it).

Adding:

But like a lot of things, it's just an option, and it could work well for some people. If a guy has "good genes", it is good in a way that he spreads them. It is an issue in modern society, where a lot of people who probably should spread their genes only have 1 or 2 kids, while some who ideally wouldn't have many kids have a lot (mostly due to not being able to afford birth control).

I don't support eugenics, but I think that kind of imbalance has a long-term impact - whether it's nature or nurture, the probabilities are that less-ideal types will have less-ideal offspring (but of course, an excellent person could emerge from anywhere).

Anyway, some women may be very independent and wouldn't mind being a 2nd wife... I've read of some Western women purposely increasing the chance of pregnancy when they're unmarried and childless at age 40ish, even if they don't have a commitment from their boyfriend, if they feel he has good genes (he might think she's on birth control, but she uses him to get a kid).

Edited by notme

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Hmm personally i do not think i would get a second wife, only if my first one can not have babies, and still i would do it only with her approval. I would never want to break her heart because, well, i would still love her.

Br musa said that he thinks some do it because of fantasies but i do not believe you would get a second permanent wife just for that. It is a lot of responsibility to just have one, let alone two. If you only would do it for that reason then surely it would be easier to get temp wives?

In my opinion i believe that for women the biggest challenge is their egos and the negative effects it can have on their faith if its left unchecked. For men i think it is their greed that is the biggest challenge.

Also we men need to remember at all points that fiqh and aklaaq goes hand in hand and they may not be separated.

Allah(swt) has made many things allowed for us but it does not mean we can just do it without consideration, that is a big test for us men i think.

I could take a knife and make a cut in every tree i pass but that would be a stupid thing to do.

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May Allah reward you all,thanks for your posts.Brothers are welcome.

I personally think it depends on the taqwa of the men who wish to marry more than one wife permanently. If they do it to get closer to Allah and treat their wifes justly then it's probably not such a drama for the wifes if their one and only love is Allah. Humans are just humans,we should rely on Allah.I think it's possible to learn that step by step,of course it's not easy but what is easy in life?

I also think that sharing the husband is awful but when i thought more about it after the conversation with friends,I wondered how I can feel that awful about smthg that is made halal by Allah.And that made me actually feel even worse.

Imho it's probably the most painful thing for a women,except loosing a kid,but still it's not ok to be totally against smthg halal.

As for western muslims who think that the sec wife is 'a side dish' they clearly don't have the taqwa I mentioned before.

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I know this guy, he is Pakistani, he is married to a French woman, I believe that he got his papers through that marriage, she was unable to have kids, so she agreed to let him take a second wife, but only if they give her the first child.

 

So the man married this woman from Morocco, who gave the first child to the first wife, who then sent the child to live in Pakistan, and visits him there a few times a year, but never lets him go home.

 

The Moroccan women, is like the house made, she is here illegally at this point, her and her kids live on one floor of the house, while the first wife lives on the other floor, the husband spreads his time between them.

 

They all seem very happy with the situation (apparently), but for me, it just seems really bizarre, often when I heard about polygyny in the west, the arrangement always seems a bit weird to me, unlike when you see documentaries of polygyny in the Middle East or in Malaysia, where it seems quite normal.

 

I haven't met the French woman that I mentioned, but she sounds like a psycho.

Edited by Ali_Hussain

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I know this guy, he is Pakistani, he is married to a French woman, I believe that he got his papers through that marriage, she was unable to have kids, so she agreed to let him take a second wife, but only if they give her the first child.

So the man married this woman from Morocco, who gave the first child to the first wife, who then sent the child to live in Pakistan, and visits him there a few times a year, but never lets him go home.

The Moroccan women, is like the house made, she is here illegally at this point, her and her kids live on one floor of the house, while the first wife lives on the other floor, the husband spreads his time between them.

They all seem very happy with the situation (apparently), but for me, it just seems really bizarre, often when I heard about polygyny in the west, the arrangement always seems a bit weird to me, unlike when you see documentaries of polygyny in the Middle East or in Malaysia, where it seems quite normal.

I haven't met the French woman that I mentioned, but she sounds like a psycho.

The families i mentioned earlier live all in one house or have two apartments in one building.

I see the kids with both wifes,hugging and kissing them,in one family the kids are from the second wife but they call the first wife 'mom' always.The men are pious from what I see as well as their children and wifes.

Of course they are rare here in Berlin but even younger,educated ppl consider polygyny more and more...that's why I like to know what you think.

Edited by mina313

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But essentially, for a woman in a Western country, I think an angry reaction is an instinctive reaction to all the above factors, because it can be seen as somewhat insulting in various subtle ways... I think it's almost like getting asked to be his mistress, because it would have to be kept somewhat secret.  So getting angry in the context of all that is understandable.

Yes, as a woman living in the west i found it very rude and insulting to be asked to be a second wife.

It actually happened to me when I was studying in the Middle East.

A senior surgeon asked wether I could consider marrying him and move to live in his city and I happily agreed because I thought he was single, untill I found out later he's not.

Such a thing would never happen to me in the west. The Muslim western men might not be very religious but when it comes to marriage they take it seriously, and I like this about them... they wouldn't lie or cheat to get what they want.

Forgive me sisters , but I would like to share my thoughts on the subject: I, as a Muslim man, understand that I can marry and have four wives but I would rather devote my life and focus on one woman for the rest of my life. I understand that it is my Islamic right according to our fiqh, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, let alone justify it.

GC, you're just too good to be true, in my opinion this is how an ideal Muslim guy should be. God bless you!

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There was an article a while back, about a growing trend in the Uk (?), there are many single professional women who want to pursue their careers and have no interest in having children, but they want a husband in order to fulfill their physical and emotional needs, so they want to be a second wife and all they want from the husband is their share of his time, as they have their money, it wouldn't affect the man's finances.

 

However, I don't think that this goes down well with most women either.

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Dear sisters Starlight, Mina313, and Laayla,

May Allah swt bless your insight into Islam. As listed by sister Laayla, it's mostly #3, 4, and 8 that I've personally encountered in family, friends, and acquaintances.

While people casually accuse men who opt for Allah's solutions of victims of their desire or lust, I've found Islamic allowance of marriages, temp or perm, for men a wonderful solution for husbands cheating on their wives by watching filth, reading filth, visiting filth, or doing filth.

Sisters and brothers who oppose it need not answer but I ask you what would be acceptable, a husband who does all those haram or stick to halal even though it may momentarily makes you feel bad?

People call it deficiency but I call it default design of a woman and I fully accept if my observation is proven wrong. I've never encountered a woman who can keep with a man's cycle of desire, I've heard complaints and refusals around taking the number of ghusl per day, or being available for kids, or just the stress of attending a wedding or a business around inviting a bunch of friends or having in laws over. What a man has to do in such circumstances? Yes I understand taqwa and control but don't we live in a crazy sexualized society where all norms have been turned on their heads, I guess the only thing that is left from being legalized is beastility in our satanic cultures.

From men's perspective, our wive(s) become our first and the last defense against such filth mongering, imagine a battle trench where your troop is absent because she has a headache due to general stress of life; rightfully so because Allah has not made her to shoulder all that on her own which unfortunately she wants to on her own singular, weak and delicate self.

I apologize again for being explicit but please recite a loud Salawat for sisters attempting to understand the agony of pious Muslim men.

Edited by Irfani313

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Clearly you haven't been living in the West like you say you were. You'll be in for a shock when you get married to a "not very religious Western muslim man".

The "married" men I saw in the Middle East were much shocking.... Right now, I live in a religious Muslim town and I've seen only good from the muslim men here.... inshallah in future I'll marry one.

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GC, you're just too good to be true, in my opinion this is how an ideal Muslim guy should be. God bless you!

Thanks, Endless, your words are much too kind and give me too much credit. I was only sharing my views after much thought and thinking. Sigh, shame that there are almost no Shia where I live. :/

P.S. I am not too good to be true, there are people out there like me and credit goes to my mother for the person I am today.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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In my household to avoid such negative feelings amongst my wives which are common in all women, I never refer to them as 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th wife. When I introduced them to people they are referred as my wife when I'm in an islamic country, or as my partner in a non islamic country. They all have their own houses, with their own credit cards, cars and 2 have their own businesses. 2 of the wives live in another country, and some meet on special occasions, and some never meet at all. I provide for them the best life they can have with all the comforts of living including maids etc. When I travel some of the wives travel with me and we spend most of our time in hotels or resorts. The other wives that I have kids with prefer not the travel and I spend time at home with them. It's not easy, but neither is the normal monogamous marriage these days. The main reason all my wives agree to this type of arrangement is because I have a plan to serve our :Al-Hujjat atf. I have convinced them that it is our duty to serve him and prepare for him. This is my only unique selling point on getting 4 western women to agree to such a thing. Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

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This is one of those questions where either 'yes' or 'no' is the correct answer

For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah, all while never having to be a second wife. 

This is by far the most respectful comment written by a mod, on this entire topic.

Saying "No" doesn't mean the woman has less Tagwa or Iman, and she can be raised with Fatima Zahra (a.s).

A bouquet for you for being so understanding....

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Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

Sami, you should write a book about your life. I'll be the first SC member to buy it, not everyday I hear a story like yours.

I have few questions for you, I read your comment on another thread that you felt lonely, I don't understand why you still feel alone when you have so many wives around you. Are they just after your money to buy materialistic things? Do they provide emotional support when you feel lonely/depressed? Or for example when you miss Zohor Imam Mahdi (a.s) does anyone of your wife know how to comfort you.

If they really did, why do you give a strong impression of being alone in this world.

I don't know much about marriage (still single), but I think it's difficult for a man to emotionally support 4 wives at the same time. All the money, handbags and shoes can't buy happiness.... and for some western women (including myself) happiness is to stay a man's first wife till the end of life, inshallah after life too.

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Sami, you should write a book about your life. I'll be the first SC member to buy it, not everyday I hear a story like yours.

I have few questions for you, I read your comment on another thread that you felt lonely, I don't understand why you still feel alone when you have so many wives around you. Are they just after your money to buy materialistic things? Do they provide emotional support when you feel lonely/depressed? Or for example when you miss Zohor Imam Mahdi (a.s) does anyone of your wife know how to comfort you.

If they really did, why do you give a strong impression of being alone in this world.

I don't know much about marriage (still single), but I think it's difficult for a man to emotionally support 4 wives at the same time. All the money, handbags and shoes can't buy happiness.... and for some western women (including myself) happiness is to stay a man's first wife till the end of life, inshallah after life too.

I have been asked many times about writing a book about my life, it has been very interesting life and I am blessed to have been given such abundances from :Allah swt. But I'm a very private man, and I keep away from people as much as I can, I suffered from a rare form of Autism in my younger years of life which made me "unique" with abilities that most don't have, but this had consequences in my development. Even now in my 50s when I'm in a crowded shopping centre, I feel sick and my head spins around when people start looking at me, I can feel everything from them, it is quite scary. All I have are my wives and my kids, they understand me and support me the best they can. And that gets a lot sometimes for them. It is how it is when you live with a freak. This is why I turn to my :Imam atf, because I feel he understands me and he accepts me as I am, so I do everything to please him. I am in love with him and only him, as he came to me when I was in my  mother's womb. He left a fragrance so sweet that ever since then I fell in love and seek to find him all my life. As I read more about the islam his grandfathers have given to us, the more I fell in love. In Islam, there are clear instructions on how to treat your wives and your kids. It tells you how to raise kids and how to be kind loving toward the wives. It is very different to the commercial take on love and marriage that most of humans are engulfed in thanks to hollywood and bollywood. The main support is of course emotional then financial towards the wives, the more I love my Imam the more love i get to give to my wive and kids, it's wonderful. my wives are Eastern European and Russian, they look like western women but have attitudes of Eastern a mix made in heaven for men like me raised in the west. These women are hungry to meet real men who can support and offer comfort that they never had like seeing the ocean when they wake up, or spending all night under the stars and watching the sunrise whilst offering salaat on your own deserted beach. I have seen the ocean all my life and when I took one of my wives to see the ocean for the first time not one but 2 oceans in Panama, when I saw the glow in her eyes, I saw the magic of Allahs swt creation once again and i cried at the marvel and beauty of his grandeur. But with all this I am very alone, because my Imam is hidden and I waited nearly 60 years for him, and sometimes it gets too much for me because I'm just an old lonely man wanting for his true love to show soon inshallah.

I pray you find a man to take you closer to our beloved Imam atf, this is true and only love, everything else vanishes over time except  his love which lasts forever.

Edited by :Sami II

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In my household to avoid such negative feelings amongst my wives which are common in all women, I never refer to them as 1st 2nd 3rd or 4th wife. When I introduced them to people they are referred as my wife when I'm in an islamic country, or as my partner in a non islamic country. They all have their own houses, with their own credit cards, cars and 2 have their own businesses. 2 of the wives live in another country, and some meet on special occasions, and some never meet at all. I provide for them the best life they can have with all the comforts of living including maids etc. When I travel some of the wives travel with me and we spend most of our time in hotels or resorts. The other wives that I have kids with prefer not the travel and I spend time at home with them. It's not easy, but neither is the normal monogamous marriage these days. The main reason all my wives agree to this type of arrangement is because I have a plan to serve our :Al-Hujjat atf. I have convinced them that it is our duty to serve him and prepare for him. This is my only unique selling point on getting 4 western women to agree to such a thing. Of course the travel, the good life, supporting their parents and being there for them all help. And if all that fails, I know the best places in the world for handbags and shoes, and they can't say no to that.

How the heck do you afford it all? (What kind of business are you in, I'm clearly in the wrong field lol?)

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Of course there is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a second wife, or not wanting your husband to take a second wife. There is however is a problem with the language some people use to talk about this topic. Polygamy is allowed in Islam, and is part of the sunnah of the Prophet (as is monogamy). As such, I do not think it is acceptable to attack the practice, or to talk about married men who propose to another woman as if they are sexual predators.

I agree 100%. If I couldn't like your post twice, I would have. 

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How the heck do you afford it all? (What kind of business are you in, I'm clearly in the wrong field lol?)

In my younger days I use to be an investment banker working for the majors and totally indulging in haram earnings from the agony of destroying nations by getting families into debt and making the rich extremely richer. I left that long time ago and hid in the hills for a while, till i was called upon to use my skills to help the good people with good intentions to serve humanity and usher in an alternative paradigm of doing things. So I become a compassionate "venture capitalist" (CVC) and started to look into sustainable viable non riba based technologies and systems to serve humanity rather then destroy it. I used my contacts within the elites to fund some of these projects as they were commercially viable too. Not all the elites are blood thirty baby sacrificing billionaire crazed men. That journey really opened my eyes and I was rewarded well for it, then I went back into the hills. I have since come out of retirement which brought me into SC, so I may help my kids find wives/husbands and start their own businesses and begin their new lives inshallah. The world has changed so much and I feel for the younger generations, all the goal posts have changed and it's a new world out there , but I am learning again thanks to all of you here on SC.

May you be amongst the 313 and may our :Al-hujjat atf be pleased with you inshallah.

Edited by :Sami II

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Back in the days, the first wife went and found the husband a second wife. Now some go as far as saying it's bad, feelings, emotions, love etc. And they say externals didn't mess with our religion and sunnah?

Flame on......

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Mainly because it would hurt the feelings of the first wife. Most women marry expecting to be their husband's only wife nowadays. For better or worse, if he takes another wife, it is likely that she will feel deficient, like she wasn't good enough for him. Nobody wants to cause that emotional pain to another woman.

 

This, but also its like asking for trouble. A marriage can be stressful at the best of times, esp if you have kids and concerns about parents and money worries etc. If i imagine another wife/mother requiring as much time and resources and having the same desires and expectations of the person i have my primary relationship/support with, it just seems like a whole lot of stress just waiting to explode. I genuinly admire people who can make it work well, i imagine that takes a hell of a lot of maturity and compromise and sacrifice.

In my younger days I use to be an investment banker working for the majors and totally indulging in haram earnings from the agony of destroying nations by getting families into debt and making the rich extremely richer. I left that long time ago and hid in the hills for a while, till i was called upon to use my skills to help the good people with good intentions to serve humanity and usher in an alternative paradigm of doing things. So I become a compassionate "venture capitalist" (CVC) and started to look into sustainable viable non riba based technologies and systems to serve humanity rather then destroy it. I used my contacts within the elites to fund some of these projects as they were commercially viable too. Not all the elites are blood thirty baby sacrificing billionaire crazed men. That journey really opened my eyes and I was rewarded well for it, then I went back into the hills. I have since come out of retirement which brought me into SC, so I may help my kids find wives/husbands and start their own businesses and begin their new lives inshallah. The world has changed so much and I feel for the younger generations, all the goal posts have changed and it's a new world out there , but I am learning again thanks to all of you here on SC.

May you be amongst the 313 and may our :Al-hujjat atf be pleased with you inshallah.

 

Two questions:

 

1) Are you writing your autibiography?

 

2) Would you ever consider having a documentary film crew follow you around for a while?

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For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah

all while never having to be a second wife. 

 

http://www.shiachat.com/forum/topic/235031921-islam-is-pro-mutah/

 

By the logic that you used earlier, isn't all polygamy encouraged by Islam? So if a woman refuses a polygamous marriage then isn't she refusing something mustahab? How can that woman ever be at the highest levels?

 

In all this debate about polygamy, one thing people overlook is that some* women of today are not like the women of the past. Imam Ali [a] was monogamous with Sayyidah Fatimah [a] because of her level (this is also reported in hadith). According to my reasoning, it is understandable that he was polygamous with his other wives, because he was superior to them.

 

Women may be more inclined to polygamy when the man is superior to them. Today many women are much more educated and knowledgeable than the women of the past. It is understandable why they may be averse to sharing a man who is either on their level or close to it.

 

* When I use the word 'some' in my posts, it is as the logicians use it and not the way that it is commonly used.

Back in the days, the first wife went and found the husband a second wife. Now some go as far as saying it's bad, feelings, emotions, love etc. And they say externals didn't mess with our religion and sunnah?

Flame on......

 

Even ahadith speak about women feeling jealous.

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Two questions:

 

1) Are you writing your autibiography?

 

2) Would you ever consider having a documentary film crew follow you around for a while?

 

1) lol heck no, I wouldn't want to be banned from SC, but it's funny that most of the replies are from members that are not even married yet, and since I'm the only member with 4 wives how can I not reply.

2) yes I thought of approaching Mr Reiner for a remake of the islamic version of "When Harry met Sally, Judy, Kirsty and Polly" or "40 things I hate about you all" or " 200 shades of grey hijabs- the halal version").

George Clooney would be the best actor to play my character, all he has to do is lose all his hair, gain 80 kgs and look 20 years older.

Edited by :Sami II

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This is one of those questions where either 'yes' or 'no' is the correct answer

 

For the women who say no, there is nothing in the religion that would compel you to be a second wife.

You can be a mumina and reach the highest levels of Iman and be raised with Fatima Zahra(a.s), InShahAllah

all while never having to be a second wife. 

 

I don't agree with this statement;

The definition of insanity is doing what everyone else does and expecting different results

This is true for marriage and relationships as well as most people these days follow the commercial monogamous marriage model.

This model serves the big corporations to tap into their trillion dollar marriage, sex and love industries. This model is proven to yield the highest profits that result from cross selling other benefits for the newly married couple. eg. Prostitution is the oldest and most successful profession known to man, and it is booming, there are more brothels then McDonalds and 7/11 in every corner block. Millions of women and children are trafficked every year to feed the insatiable hunger of the men of which more then 50% are happily married, educated and respected members of the community. This model feeds the divorce industries as more then 50% of these marriages end in divorce feeding the highly priced over paid lawyers and court systems. This model is unnatural and cruel to both men and women, because the men lie and do get caught out, tearing apart the family and the other women involved. This model is perfect for a riba based system that only cares for the destruction  of humanity by tearing the family unit apart. I wont mention the harvesting of children from the marriage contracts that these marriages enter into as it sound too conspiracy theorish, but those who have multiple wives don't rely on this system and is kept hidden from it. I'm not saying that all multiple marriages is a better solution, but giving in to the predictive programming of the norm is 100% failure rate and the ascension of the woman is limited within this model. Because she is fuelled by jealousy, fear and self love, while the ascended women are not. She as the mother of children in this model only produce 1.5 kids on average these days, this is proven to be not sufficient to continue the human species and this is wajib open the momins. This model collapses the family and discontinues it's perpetual existence which is rendered haram for momins, but the good side of this model does remove the eugenics undesirables from the system. Do you believe  the momins are highly undesirable and not needed in the grater plan towards fulfilling the mission of :Al-hujjat atf. Then why do you adopt and promote such a model?

Edited by :Sami II

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This is partly to address Irfani313's earlier post, because he made some subtle insults at me about my previous post (and to anyone whose view differs from his):

 

 

Context matters.

I think that people sometimes ignore that aspect, even when their intuition sees it.

Alaska and Hawaii are both non-contiguous US states, but they are very different. If you asked someone if they would want to live in a non-contiguous US state, and they say "Definitely not, because within those 2 states, I could only find a job in northern Alaska, and it's far too isolated and cold", that's important context.

 

The context in Western countries makes it like "northern Alaska" in my above example:

 

1) Having a 2nd wife is illegal in most/all Western countries. As I understand, that alone makes it un-Islamic to do, because Muslims are supposed to follow the laws where they live, except for the condition I mentioned.


2) Since it's illegal, you can't be very public with it.

- I'm not a fan of expensive weddings, but will there even be a wedding with more than immediate family? The more people who attend, the bigger chance word will spread and maybe that would lead to trouble with the authorities.

- Then after the nikah, you're basically asking the 2nd wife to live her life in some level of secrecy.

- And after kids are born, it will be awkward for them in many ways - including to have that aspect of secrecy in their lives.


3) The illegal aspect also means that people involved in a polygamous marriage can't really make it "official" in terms of pensions/banking/real estate/medical decisions, etc. The first wife is already registered as the "official" wife, so that leaves the 2nd wife (or 3rd or 4th) in a weaker position.

- If the husband dies and the 1st wife then gets his pension, the other wives have no real recourse if she doesn't share it. If the guy is rich, he could make adjustments for that, but most people aren't that rich.

- Or if he is incapacitated and an important medical decision must be made, the doctors will ask wife #1, not the other wives.

- For people who live in places where society is only structured to have 1 "main wife", that's just the way it is -- and that's important context that cannot be ignored.

 

As listed by sister Laayla, it's mostly #3, 4, and 8 that I've personally encountered in family, friends, and acquaintances.


So essentially, the likeliest woman you find willing to be a second wife is one who isn't getting interest from single men, and is probably over 40 and also probably divorced.

So when women who aren't in that situation are asked to be a 2nd wife, it should be understandable why they may have a visceral reaction about it... it's like implicitly saying "Hey, since I think you aren't getting interest from single men, how about you become my 2nd wife?"


The above is all important context. When a guy in a Western country asks a woman to be his 2nd wife, all those factors above are part of the underlying question, even when it's not said out loud.

The 2nd wife & kids would have to have some amount of secrecy in their life, and that's not an ideal way for them to live, and doesn't seem very fair. Only 1 wife can be the "official wife", so any others are somewhat sidelined.



TL, DR:

- Yes, it's halal in Islam, but there are conditions. And the question in this thread was about how people would feel, not whether it's halal. [Additionally, there probably are some women who would be okay being the 1st wife, but not the 2nd wife]

- Even then, if a woman is okay being a 2nd wife, she can do it - but in this thread, we have some views saying people who see problems with the 2nd wife issue basically have a religious deficiency. But people are allowed to have preferences - just because it's allowed* doesn't mean it's required (* allowed under certain conditions, which don't seem to be met in Western countries anyway due to the legal and secrecy issues).


If people live in a place where the legal and social structures accommodate multiple wives, and a woman wants to live like that, maybe that can turn out to be her "Hawaii". And even in "northern Alaska", there inevitably are some people who would want to live there, but it's understandable why most people wouldn't in Western countries.

 

But most people wouldn't want to live in Hawaii either, because there are lots of drawbacks - it's just a matter of preference based on situations and alternative options.

Edited by Bright

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Brother Bright - tell you the truth I did not read your earlier posts in this thread. So I was definitely not insulting you or anyone, astagfirullah. I'm a humble lowly and unschooled student of Islam and I always express with huge expectation that I could be partially or entirely wrong in my opinion.

For this beautiful marriage thread that a wise sister started, I wrote what I wrote based on my personal experiences and observations as being a married person who has utilized strictly Islamic solutions to save and upkeep my marriage throughout the years, .

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^ Mashallah very eloquent, and context is very importat, it should be sufficient for us to read about how the prophet (sws) handled polygamy, there is always a context involved, it was not meant for lustful purposes. 

 

I have been asked so much about polygamy by my non-Muslim friends, specially my family, and mom's friends I tend to explain the following reading which I find valuable and alhamdillah they find it very interesting:

 

The Prophet’s Marriages

 

One of the examples of Islam-bashing that we see on the TV and the internet these days is the one liner statement like: “Muhammad was a womanizer; he had nine wives.” For Muslims who have studied the books of the Orientalists and the Crusade-minded missionaries, such statements are not new. It is the same old wine packaged with a new label!

 

Study the life of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family) and you will see that the Prophet was a man of highest character even long before he started preaching Islam.

 

At the age of twenty-five, Prophet Muhammad married a famous and a highly respected lady of Mecca, by the name of Khadija bint Khuwaylid, who was older than him in age.

(According to the popular opinion, she was 15 years older than the Prophet, but based on further research into this matter, we can say that she was only two years older than the Prophet).7

The important thing is that he remained married to her for twenty-five years until she passed away in Mecca. Two years after her death, the Prophet migrated from Mecca to Medina where he founded the first Islamic society.

 

      So for the first 50 years of his life, the Prophet had only one wife, Lady Khadīja, whom he loved dearly and who was one of the strongest pillars of support in promoting his cause. During the last 13 years of his life, he married other wives.

 

Prophet Muhammad:

• From birth to age 25: single.

• From age 25 to age 50: married to one wife, Khadija.

• From age 50 to age 63: married ten wives.

 

The Other Wives

 During the last thirteen years of his life, the Prophet married ten wives. This has become an easy target for anti-Muslim writers and speakers who would like to tarnish the image of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and portray him as someone who was driven by lust and passion.

 

If Prophet Muhammad was a man of lust, then why did he not marry any other woman when he was young and wealthy and lived in a society that accepted unlimited polygamous relationships? Why did he not marry any other woman as long as Lady Khadija was alive even though it was the prime time of his youth?

 

And so the question comes, what was the rationale behind the other marriages of the Prophet during the last thirteen years of his life.

 

All the marriages of the Prophet, other than that with Lady Khadija, had a good political or religious rationale. We may divide these marriages into four categories, and some marriages had double purpose or reasons.

 

First: Providing Protection & Dignity to Widows So That Others May Follow That Example

 1. Lady Sawdah bint Zam‘ah: a Muslim lady whose husband had died in Abyssinia. When she returned to Mecca, she was a widow; and her father and brother were not only infidels but also enemies of Islam. She could not seek shelter with them; they were so much opposed to Islam that they could even torture her to death.

The Prophet, now a widower himself, married Sawdah in order to provide protection to her as well as to forge important link of kinship with his opponents.

 2. Lady Zaynab bint Khuzaymah: a widow for the second time when her second husband ‘Abdullah bin Jahsh was martyred in the Battle of Uhud. She was known for her generosity, and was famous as “Ummul masãkīn, mother of the poor”. Now she herself faced hard times. The Prophet wanted to maintain her prestige, and so he married her in the 3rd year AH. She died less than a year after this marriage.

 3. Lady Umm Salamah. She was first married to ‘Abdullah Abu Salamah. She migrated to Abyssinia with her husband. She was known for her piety and wisdom. When she became a widow and had orphan children, the Prophet married her in the 4th year A.H. She was also the sister of the chief of a powerful Meccan tribe of Makhzum. This marriage had the element of forging the link of kinship with his opponents in Mecca.

 

Second: To Set the Slaves Free

 4. Lady Juwayriyyah bint al-Hãrith. After the Battle of Banu Mustaliq in the 5th year AH, the Muslims took two hundred families of that tribe in slavery. Juwayriyyah, the daughter of the chief of that tribe, had become awidow. The Prophet set her free and married her.

 

Why? The Muslims, who had made the two hundred families of Banu Mustaliq their slaves, realized that by Juwayriyyah’s marriage to the Prophet, all these two hundred families were now related to the Prophet by marriage. Out of courtesy to the Prophet, the Muslims set them free.  Impressed by this nobility, the whole tribe of Banu Mustaliq became Muslim. By this marriage, the Prophet was able to transform a hostile tribe into an ally.

 

Third: To Forge Friendly Relations for Sake of Islam

 5. Lady ‘Ãisha bint Abi Bakr. Although the betrothal was done in Mecca, she came into the household of the Prophet after his migration to Medina. She was the youngest wife of the Prophet.8

This marriage sealed the alliance with Abu Bakr so that he would be on the side of Muslims during the confrontation against the idol-worshippers of Mecca.

 6. Lady Hafsah bint ‘Umar ibn al-Khattãb. She became a widow after her husband was killed in the Battle of Badr. The Prophet married her in the 4th year AH. This marriage was also done to seal the Prophet’s alliance with ‘Umar.

 7. Lady Umm Habibah, daughter of Abu Sufyan. She was married to ‘Ubaydullah ibn Jahsh and had migrated to Abyssinia. He became a Christian; while she continued the Islamic faith and separated from him. Her father, Abu Sufyan, was a bitter enemy of Islam and planned battles after battles against Muslims. When she returned to Medina, the Prophet married her in order to provide protection for her and also to soften the heart of Abu Sufyan. However, that marriage did not have the desired effect on Abu Sufyan.

 8. Lady Safiyyah bint Huyaiy ibn Akhtab. She was the daughter of the chief of Banu Nadhir, a Jewish tribe of Khaybar. She became a widow when her husband was killed in the Battle of Khaybar. She was taken as a captive by the Muslim forces. The Prophet married her in the 7th year AH to maintain her noble status and also to establish marriage ties with her Jewish tribe.

 

Fourth: The Desire to be Related to the Prophet

 9. Lady Maymunah bint al-Hãrith al-Hilaliyyah. Her second husband died in 7 AH. She came to the Prophet and “gifted” herself to him if he would accept her. She only desired the honour of being called “the wife of the Prophet”. The Prophet (based on verse 33:50 of the Qur’ãn) accepted her as his wife.

 

Fifth: To Break a Taboo & Show an Example

 10. Lady Zaynab bint Jahsh. She was a cousin of the Prophet; and she was a widow and a divorcee. The circumstance of her marriage to the Prophet was very unusual.

 

Islam had come to end all the material and social criterion of distinction. Every Muslim was equal to the other. While preaching this equality, the Prophet, as an example, gave his three female relatives in marriage to persons of so-called low birth or status. Among those three relatives was Zaynab bint Jahsh. She was given in marriage to Zayd son of Hãritha, an Arab slave whom the Prophet had freed and then adopted as a son. After that adoption, Zayd was being called, Zayd bin Muhammad – Zayd the son of Muhammad.

 

The marriage of Zaynab to Zayd soon turned sour. Zaynab could not overcome the fact she was of nobler descent than her husband. No matter how much the Prophet counseled them, Zaynab’s attitude did not change. So finally Zayd divorced her. At the same time, verses 4 and 5 of Chapter 33 (Surah al-Ahzaab) were revealed which declared that adoption was not recognized in Islam9.

After these verses, the people started calling Zayd by his real father’s name: Zayd bin Hãritha.

But in order to fully abolish the system of adoption, Almighty God ordered the Prophet to marry Zaynab, the divorcee of Zayd. In the pre-Islamic society of Arabia, an adopted son was considered to be like a real son: with the same rights and duties: for example, an adopted son’s wife was considered like a real daughter-in-law with whom marriage was forbidden forever. And so to break that taboo, the Prophet married Zaynab, the divorcee of his former adopted son.

     

 Both the marriages of Zaynab bint Jahsh served to enforce two important social principles of Islam: First, equality among Muslims irrespective of their ethnic or social distinctions; and second, it demonstrated the fact that a fostering or adoptive relationship was not a tie of blood and should not be a barrier in marriage.

 

Conclusion

 When Prophet Muhammad was young and wealthy, he had only one wife. But in the last thirteen years of his life when he was over fifty, he married different wives––with the exception of one, all were widows and old.

 

It is a fact that even when Prophet Muhammad had these other wives, his love for his first wife, Lady Khadija, never diminished. 

http://www.al-islam.org/articles/concept-polygamy-and-prophets-marriages-sayyid-muhammad-rizvi

Wow, this is excellent!

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