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In the Name of God بسم الله

Would You Be A Second Wife?

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mina

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Bismillah

I hope you are all doing well.I'd like to know your views on that question.What can be advantages and problems? I had this discussion with some sisters and decided to get your views here as well.

Thanks in advance.Bless you.

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Dh= dear husband

No, I think the OP wants the sisters to reply to whether they would marry someone who already has a wife.

Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present? Or if it's just the man's second marriage like he is divorced or widowed? Thanks

Edited by starlight
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Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present?

I thought that's what sis Mina meant, if you marry a divorced/widowed man you'll still be his only wife... no problem in that!

But marrying a man who's first wife still present and they live together, not acceptable in my opinion.

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I thought that's what sis Mina meant, if you marry a divorced/widowed man you'll still be his only wife... no problem in that!

But marrying a man who's first wife still present and they live together, not acceptable in my opinion.

Yes u understood it right.

Why is it not acceptable in your opinion?

Edited by mina313
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On 8/15/2015 at 0:25 PM, EndlessMD said:

I put myself in her position (the 1st wife), I'll be deeply hurt if my husband got a second wife without my permission. He broke the trust in our marriage, such a man is not worth having.

Assuming he is asking for your permission, would it be as bad? 

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@Endless

he actually doesn't need the permission but I'm more interested in the part why it's seen as 'broke of trust'.

I had the discussion recently with friends and in my neighbourhood there are three men who each have two wifes and they seem to get a long well as a whole family. I find it interesting that a lot of muslims look down to such families although it's halal and was even common,in some regions it still is.

I'm still interested in your thoughts.

Edited by mina313
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Probably not, unless i was a lot older and developed a liking for far more time alone. I can imagine a wife who was quite happy with her situation, but had got to that 'tolerating you' stage people sometimes get to in a marriage, wanting her husband out from under her feet and finding that idea quite appealing. I think the reason why i wouldnt is because i have quite intense romantic relationships (only had 2, but both of the obsessively 'in love' kind). When relationships are this intense its hard not to be possessive of one another because youre so 'into' one another that your identities merge into one, which is both thrilling and terrifying. It deffo has its draw backs, but is also very stimulating and quite addictive. If you have a cooler kind of relationship where youre more independent emotionally then i imagine its not such a big deal.

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Where I live, I know of many husbands that have 2 wives and the wives get a long so well and are actually friends and their kids love each other and get along... Not all situations are like this of course but the situation I just mention does exist which I think is a bit weird but hey who am I to judge lol.

Funny story, last eid one of my cousins walked in our grandmothers house with his 2 wives, which shocked us all but what was even more shocking is that the 2 wives were so lovey dovey with each other, laughing and holding each other's babies as if they are best friends, and the rest of us including myself were literally ganshawked just staring at them, mind you, both wives are very beautiful , modern and educated which I found even more weird because usually it's the traditional uneducated women.

^^tradiotional uneducated women that would accept sharing their husband

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On 8/15/2015 at 11:52 AM, starlight said:

Dh= dear husband

No, I think the OP wants the sisters to reply to whether they would marry someone who already has a wife.

Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present? Or if it's just the man's second marriage like he is divorced or widowed? Thanks

O i see, in that case definitely no.

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Assuming he is asking for your permission, would it be as bad?

No it wouldn't be as bad! I'll ask him to give me a strong reason why he wants a second marriage! Is there anything lacking btw us? Can he consider a short Muta instead of permanent 2nd marriage. I believe when talking we can find a way to solve this problem. But if he refused to talk to me and did it behind my back then it'll be the end of our marriage. The perfect relashionship is based on respect and understanding.... not lying to each other.

in my neighbourhood there are three men who each have two wifes and they seem to get a long well as a whole family...

This is not common in my neighborhood. I've never seen a man living with 2 or 3 wifes.

It's different between countries. I have 2 sisters who got married, they're well educated modern women, rich, beautiful, clever and they take care of their husbands. why shouldn't I aim for the same? I don't care if the man is a divorcee or widowed or has done muta before, the only thing that matters if we got a perm marriage he should respect my opinion (no 2nd wife)

Edited by EndlessMD
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On 8/15/2015 at 2:11 PM, EndlessMD said:

This is not common in my neighborhood. I've never seen a man living with 2 or 3 wifes.

It's different between countries. I have 2 sisters who got married, they're well educated modern women, rich, beautiful, clever and they take care of their husbands. why shouldn't I aim for the same? I don't care if the man is a divorcee or widowed or has done muta before, the only thing that matters if we got a perm marriage he should respect my opinion (no 2nd wife)

I think a lot of it is down to expectation. Marriage in many countries has become a way for people to simply say 'i love you and desire to stay with you for the forseeable future'. Historically it was so much more than that and 'love', as in 'in love', wasnt necessarily even an expectation. Woman also arent as needful of marriage as they used to be. Nowadays in many countries women dont need a husband in order to acquire resources and security and they dont have the community pressures to marry in order to create connections bewteen families. Also creating descendants isnt as pressing upon people as it used to be, they seem happy to delay and even opt for no offspring. So dynamics has changed a lot and a consequence of that is that people are more demanding in terms of quality of relationship and emotional expectations of a marriage.

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I think it is nothing negative if it is agreed upon. I realize there are some people who are polyamorous, and if your husband is, and tells you about it before marrying, and you both agree to it, I don't see much trouble if he acts justly with both wives.

If I had to put myself in a woman's shoes, if the person I loved was polyamorous and we want to be together happily, I would rather let him marry another person and evaluate the results instead of forcing him to keep only with me or divorcing without even trying. But that's me. I may not get offended by polyamory. I can guess others may see this as an insult though. I could also see it that way given certain circumstances. But living with a person you love who isn't happy may not be something bearable, just saying.

Being the second instead of the first doesn't change much the dilemma.

Edited by Bakir
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Because in the end it's all up to your decision of allowing polygamy in your marriage or not. Yeah, it can psychologically affect us more to be the first, but it is still the same question: would we allow our spouse to be with more people?

Islamically this is a right given to the husband as well. So the decision is pretty much linked to the couple, as Islam is not imposing limitations there except for that both should be treated justly.

I don't see this negatively if everything is agreed upon.

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It's all perspective.  If you see marriage as just a means of support or protection, or politics, or from any non-Hollybollywood worldview, than being a second wife is probably not a big deal.  This was the predominant view of different eras and different civilizations.  They didn't have to necessarily be one, but they weren't averse to it. 

If, however, you instead emphasize the life of individualistic romance, modern day ethos or custom, than probably not.  And that's fine too, I guess. 

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Sry for posting in the sisters section but may i ask a theoretical question?

What if the guy is ideal in every way you can imagine, would you then deny him only because he has a wife already?

I mean the things that a sister should look for in a man is irrelevant to the number of wives he has, is it not?

And why would you deny him for doing something halal that is also following the sunnah of our Prophet(as) and our Imams (as)?

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And why would you deny him for doing something halal that is also following the sunnah of our Prophet(as) and our Imams (as)?

Mainly because it would hurt the feelings of the first wife. Most women marry expecting to be their husband's only wife nowadays. For better or worse, if he takes another wife, it is likely that she will feel deficient, like she wasn't good enough for him. Nobody wants to cause that emotional pain to another woman.

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Sry for posting in the sisters section but may i ask a theoretical question?

What if the guy is ideal in every way you can imagine, would you then deny him only because he has a wife already?

Maybe such a guy would be an ideal husband in the Middle East where multi-marriages are common, but in the west he's the worst kind of man.

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...

If he's my one and only, then no, I wouldn't accept a second wife in the marriage. It's a two-way street. If he can take a second wife (which is only happening when hell freezes over), then I can take a second husband.

I completely agree with you!

If I found out my "future" husband got a second wife without my permission, I'll not hesitate a second, I'll divorce him and marry another man...

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Note: I didnt actually see which section this topic was in. If the OP or sisters wish for my comments to be removed, I can do that.

This is the SISTERS forum what are you guys doing here?

If my comment was inappropriate then delete it.

@Haydar Husayn

I won't comment on your post, bcoz I don't like discussing this matter with men.

Edited by EndlessMD
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Endless MD, sister the fiery tone of your replies is rather worrying.

Quite recently the husband of one of the doctors I work with did second marriage without informing her first. They have two little kids.Even though the first wife is devastated she decided to continue the marriage. Everyone at work who came to know about this thinks she did the right thing. Even though there is a breach of trust as per social customs, her husband did nothing wrong as per Islam.

Divorce is disliked by Allah.. Should a woman really initiate divorce as a reaction over something perfectly halal? This life isn't about your or mine likes and wants.. It's about what Allah wants....if Allah says its okay then its okay..this is what is called submission to Allah's will.

 

I suppose you would be okay with your husband contracting multiple mutah's for pleasure on the side since that I think is perfectly halal as well?  If so, then you wouldn't be the only one, still is quite rare though.

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I suppose you would be okay with your husband contracting multiple mutah's for pleasure on the side since that I think is perfectly halal as well?  If so, then you wouldn't be the only one, still is quite rare though.

It would definitely hurt me but I won't run to get a divorce.Divorce would be the wrong decision as would be making his life a living hell for taking another wife(wives).

I will repeat what I wrote earlier, if Allah allows it I am no one to raise objections.He is the boss, He makes the rules. My job is to merely follow them if I wish to succeed in this life and the next

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Forgive me sisters , but I would like to share my thoughts on the subject: I, as a Muslim man, understand that I can marry and have four wives but I would rather devote my life and focus on one woman for the rest of my life. I understand that it is my Islamic right according to our fiqh, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, let alone justify it.

Maybe such a guy would be an ideal husband in the Middle East where multi-marriages are common, but in the west he's the worst kind of man.

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...I completely agree with you!

If I found out my "future" husband got a second wife without my permission, I'll not hesitate a second, I'll divorce him and marry another man...

If I took a second wife, this is pretty much how I expect to be treated by my wife. Nothing more, nothing less.

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