Would You Be A Second Wife?

[mina]

Bismillah

I hope you are all doing well.I'd like to know your views on that question.What can be advantages and problems? I had this discussion with some sisters and decided to get your views here as well.

Thanks in advance.Bless you.

[starlight]

58 views , 0 replies

Just as I was expecting :d

[Reza]

What are the actual statistics on this?

[Laayla]

Bismehe Ta3ala,

Assalam Alikum.

I'm the first wife of my dh. You want me to ask him if he will take a second wife?

M3 Salamah, FE AMIN Allah

[ultra]

Dh?

What would it take to be a second wife?

[EndlessMD]

I would rather stay single my entire life than become a second wife to someone.

I don't like this idea, it doesn't feel right to share ur husband with another woman.

Edited August 15, 2015 by EndlessMD

[starlight]

Dh= dear husband

No, I think the OP wants the sisters to reply to whether they would marry someone who already has a wife.

Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present? Or if it's just the man's second marriage like he is divorced or widowed? Thanks

Edited August 15, 2015 by starlight

[mina]

No, I think the OP wants the sisters to reply to whether they would marry someone who already has a wife.

Yes,exactly that's my question.Thank you for clearing up and sry that I didn't elaborate it better.

[EndlessMD]

Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present?

I thought that's what sis Mina meant, if you marry a divorced/widowed man you'll still be his only wife... no problem in that!

But marrying a man who's first wife still present and they live together, not acceptable in my opinion.

[mina]

I thought that's what sis Mina meant, if you marry a divorced/widowed man you'll still be his only wife... no problem in that!

But marrying a man who's first wife still present and they live together, not acceptable in my opinion.

Yes u understood it right.

Why is it not acceptable in your opinion?

Edited August 15, 2015 by mina313

[EndlessMD]

Yes u understood it right.

Why is it not acceptable in your opinion?

I put myself in her position (the 1st wife), I'll be deeply hurt if my husband got a second wife without my permission. He broke the trust in our marriage, such a man is not worth having.

[StarryNight]

On 8/15/2015 at 0:25 PM, EndlessMD said:

I put myself in her position (the 1st wife), I'll be deeply hurt if my husband got a second wife without my permission. He broke the trust in our marriage, such a man is not worth having.

Assuming he is asking for your permission, would it be as bad? 

[mina]

@Endless

he actually doesn't need the permission but I'm more interested in the part why it's seen as 'broke of trust'.

I had the discussion recently with friends and in my neighbourhood there are three men who each have two wifes and they seem to get a long well as a whole family. I find it interesting that a lot of muslims look down to such families although it's halal and was even common,in some regions it still is.

I'm still interested in your thoughts.

Edited August 15, 2015 by mina313

[Ruq]

Probably not, unless i was a lot older and developed a liking for far more time alone. I can imagine a wife who was quite happy with her situation, but had got to that 'tolerating you' stage people sometimes get to in a marriage, wanting her husband out from under her feet and finding that idea quite appealing. I think the reason why i wouldnt is because i have quite intense romantic relationships (only had 2, but both of the obsessively 'in love' kind). When relationships are this intense its hard not to be possessive of one another because youre so 'into' one another that your identities merge into one, which is both thrilling and terrifying. It deffo has its draw backs, but is also very stimulating and quite addictive. If you have a cooler kind of relationship where youre more independent emotionally then i imagine its not such a big deal.

[Pearl178]

Where I live, I know of many husbands that have 2 wives and the wives get a long so well and are actually friends and their kids love each other and get along... Not all situations are like this of course but the situation I just mention does exist which I think is a bit weird but hey who am I to judge lol.

Funny story, last eid one of my cousins walked in our grandmothers house with his 2 wives, which shocked us all but what was even more shocking is that the 2 wives were so lovey dovey with each other, laughing and holding each other's babies as if they are best friends, and the rest of us including myself were literally ganshawked just staring at them, mind you, both wives are very beautiful , modern and educated which I found even more weird because usually it's the traditional uneducated women.

^^tradiotional uneducated women that would accept sharing their husband

[Ruq]

On 8/15/2015 at 11:52 AM, starlight said:

Dh= dear husband

No, I think the OP wants the sisters to reply to whether they would marry someone who already has a wife.

Sis Mina, will you please elaborate if this is being second wife with the first wife still present? Or if it's just the man's second marriage like he is divorced or widowed? Thanks

O i see, in that case definitely no.

[EndlessMD]

Assuming he is asking for your permission, would it be as bad?

No it wouldn't be as bad! I'll ask him to give me a strong reason why he wants a second marriage! Is there anything lacking btw us? Can he consider a short Muta instead of permanent 2nd marriage. I believe when talking we can find a way to solve this problem. But if he refused to talk to me and did it behind my back then it'll be the end of our marriage. The perfect relashionship is based on respect and understanding.... not lying to each other.

in my neighbourhood there are three men who each have two wifes and they seem to get a long well as a whole family...

This is not common in my neighborhood. I've never seen a man living with 2 or 3 wifes.

It's different between countries. I have 2 sisters who got married, they're well educated modern women, rich, beautiful, clever and they take care of their husbands. why shouldn't I aim for the same? I don't care if the man is a divorcee or widowed or has done muta before, the only thing that matters if we got a perm marriage he should respect my opinion (no 2nd wife)

Edited August 15, 2015 by EndlessMD

[Ruq]

On 8/15/2015 at 2:11 PM, EndlessMD said:

This is not common in my neighborhood. I've never seen a man living with 2 or 3 wifes.

It's different between countries. I have 2 sisters who got married, they're well educated modern women, rich, beautiful, clever and they take care of their husbands. why shouldn't I aim for the same? I don't care if the man is a divorcee or widowed or has done muta before, the only thing that matters if we got a perm marriage he should respect my opinion (no 2nd wife)

I think a lot of it is down to expectation. Marriage in many countries has become a way for people to simply say 'i love you and desire to stay with you for the forseeable future'. Historically it was so much more than that and 'love', as in 'in love', wasnt necessarily even an expectation. Woman also arent as needful of marriage as they used to be. Nowadays in many countries women dont need a husband in order to acquire resources and security and they dont have the community pressures to marry in order to create connections bewteen families. Also creating descendants isnt as pressing upon people as it used to be, they seem happy to delay and even opt for no offspring. So dynamics has changed a lot and a consequence of that is that people are more demanding in terms of quality of relationship and emotional expectations of a marriage.

[notme]

I am already married, so the question doesn't apply to me, but I find it interesting that when applying for a pool pass for our neighborhood pool, there were four spaces for "spouse".

[Bakir]

I think it is nothing negative if it is agreed upon. I realize there are some people who are polyamorous, and if your husband is, and tells you about it before marrying, and you both agree to it, I don't see much trouble if he acts justly with both wives.

If I had to put myself in a woman's shoes, if the person I loved was polyamorous and we want to be together happily, I would rather let him marry another person and evaluate the results instead of forcing him to keep only with me or divorcing without even trying. But that's me. I may not get offended by polyamory. I can guess others may see this as an insult though. I could also see it that way given certain circumstances. But living with a person you love who isn't happy may not be something bearable, just saying.

Being the second instead of the first doesn't change much the dilemma.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Bakir

[mina]

Being the second instead of the first doesn't change much the dilemma.

Why not?

Thanks for all your replies.Bless u.

[Bakir]

Because in the end it's all up to your decision of allowing polygamy in your marriage or not. Yeah, it can psychologically affect us more to be the first, but it is still the same question: would we allow our spouse to be with more people?

Islamically this is a right given to the husband as well. So the decision is pretty much linked to the couple, as Islam is not imposing limitations there except for that both should be treated justly.

I don't see this negatively if everything is agreed upon.

[Reza]

It's all perspective.  If you see marriage as just a means of support or protection, or politics, or from any non-Hollybollywood worldview, than being a second wife is probably not a big deal.  This was the predominant view of different eras and different civilizations.  They didn't have to necessarily be one, but they weren't averse to it. 

If, however, you instead emphasize the life of individualistic romance, modern day ethos or custom, than probably not.  And that's fine too, I guess. 

[Soldiers and Saffron]

Sry for posting in the sisters section but may i ask a theoretical question?

What if the guy is ideal in every way you can imagine, would you then deny him only because he has a wife already?

I mean the things that a sister should look for in a man is irrelevant to the number of wives he has, is it not?

And why would you deny him for doing something halal that is also following the sunnah of our Prophet(as) and our Imams (as)?

[notme]

And why would you deny him for doing something halal that is also following the sunnah of our Prophet(as) and our Imams (as)?

Mainly because it would hurt the feelings of the first wife. Most women marry expecting to be their husband's only wife nowadays. For better or worse, if he takes another wife, it is likely that she will feel deficient, like she wasn't good enough for him. Nobody wants to cause that emotional pain to another woman.

[BabyBeaverIsAKit]

If he's my one and only, then no, I wouldn't accept a second wife in the marriage. It's a two-way street. If he can take a second wife (which is only happening when hell freezes over), then I can take a second husband.

[Ali Musaaa :)]

Mainly because it would hurt the feelings of the first wife. Most women marry expecting to be their husband's only wife nowadays. For better or worse, if he takes another wife, it is likely that she will feel deficient, like she wasn't good enough for him. Nobody wants to cause that emotional pain to another woman.

 

I think this is something some men either don't understand or don't even attempt to take into consideration. A lot of women these days have an averse attitude towards polygamy because of how they think and feel it will affect them. It certainly will, but to what extent this is true, positively or negatively, will vary case to case.

 

 

And why would you deny him for doing something halal that is also following the sunnah of our Prophet(as) and our Imams (as)?

 

But how many guys actually want to be married to multiple women for the purpose of following the sunnah? I think many who say they do are just zealous chaps who want to actualise their fantasy of having more than one women without considering the social and economic responsibilities that come with it. Seems pretty immature. It was a norm in the times of the Prophet and Imams [as], however, and there were actually some tribes whose women were not used to the institution of polygamy and were not entirely fond of it. The Prophet didnt force the practice onto them but recognised their attitude towards it and allowed them to do as they seemed fit regarding their marital affairs. 

 

Despite the fact that the Prophet and Imams [as] all had multiple partners, I think it's important to keep in mind whilst the Prophet and Imam Ali were married to Fatima [a] and Khadija [a], they remained in a monogamous marriage throughout their entire marriage with them.  

 

I think this is something both men and women should take into consideration. If you want your wife/husband to be like Fatima or Imam Ali, then at the least one should attempt to be like him [a]/her[a].

 

 

Men are allowed too, sure, but if you are aware of doing something permissible that would harm your wife, whether that be physically, emotionally, or physchologically, what kind of man would go ahead with that knowing full well the potential grief it could cause his wife?

 

According to Imam al-Sadiq doing what is permissible when it can cause your wife harm is actually not permissible. I'd post the translation but I'd need to ask the brother who translated it for his permission as he shared it on FB to those only on his friends list. The gist of it is a man came to the Imam and said his wife had given him all her property and made it lawful for him, allowing him to do whatever he wishes with it. He asked the Imam if he can purchase a servant-girl and have intercourse with her. The Imam said that it is not for him (to do so) as she (his wife) only wants what will gladden her and so what will hurt her is not for you.

 It's a two-way street.

 

For most of us, but some prefer their marriage to be a highway. 

Edited August 17, 2015 by Ali Musaaa :)

[EndlessMD]

Sry for posting in the sisters section but may i ask a theoretical question?

What if the guy is ideal in every way you can imagine, would you then deny him only because he has a wife already?

Maybe such a guy would be an ideal husband in the Middle East where multi-marriages are common, but in the west he's the worst kind of man.

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...

If he's my one and only, then no, I wouldn't accept a second wife in the marriage. It's a two-way street. If he can take a second wife (which is only happening when hell freezes over), then I can take a second husband.

I completely agree with you!

If I found out my "future" husband got a second wife without my permission, I'll not hesitate a second, I'll divorce him and marry another man...

[Ali Musaaa :)]

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...

 

 

Wow. This is very concerning. 

 

Maybe his wife has become quite ill or has a disability and he requires assistance in this regard but instead of hiring a strange non-mahram nurse to be in his house, he married another women who could help him and his wife?

 

Or what if his current wife is unable to have children and he wants kids? Would you still react in the same manner? 

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with him proposing even if he wasn't in the above situations. I dont think this would warrant physical assult or threats of violence. I'm sure any sane man who knew a girl was violently (literally) opposed to the idea wouldnt even propose in the first place. 

 

 

What does everyone else think (about the two examples above)? I honestly think most men would only consider marrying another women under the above or similar conditions anyway.

 

 

 

Note: I didnt actually see which section this topic was in. If the OP or sisters wish for my comments to be removed, I can do that. 

Edited August 17, 2015 by Ali Musaaa :)

[Haydar Husayn]

Maybe such a guy would be an ideal husband in the Middle East where multi-marriages are common, but in the west he's the worst kind of man.

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...I completely agree with you!

If I found out my "future" husband got a second wife without my permission, I'll not hesitate a second, I'll divorce him and marry another man...

It's understandable that you may not want to be a second wife, or to share your husband, but these comments are just out of order. This is no way to react to something deemed permissible by God and practiced by His Messenger. If an already married man proposed to you, why not simply give a polite refusal, rather than react as if he did something that is absolutely beyond the pale?

Can we try to remember to speak with respect about thing that are allowed in Islam? There is absolutely no need for these kinds of comments, that you probably wouldn't even get from many non-Muslims.

[EndlessMD]

Note: I didnt actually see which section this topic was in. If the OP or sisters wish for my comments to be removed, I can do that.

This is the SISTERS forum what are you guys doing here?

If my comment was inappropriate then delete it.

@Haydar Husayn

I won't comment on your post, bcoz I don't like discussing this matter with men.

Edited August 17, 2015 by EndlessMD

[starlight]

Endless MD, sister the fiery tone of your replies is rather worrying.

Quite recently the husband of one of the doctors I work with did second marriage without informing her first. They have two little kids.Even though the first wife is devastated she decided to continue the marriage. Everyone at work who came to know about this thinks she did the right thing. Even though there is a breach of trust as per social customs, her husband did nothing wrong as per Islam.

Divorce is disliked by Allah.. Should a woman really initiate divorce as a reaction over something perfectly halal? This life isn't about your or mine likes and wants.. It's about what Allah wants....if Allah says its okay then its okay..this is what is called submission to Allah's will.

[King]

Endless MD, sister the fiery tone of your replies is rather worrying.

Quite recently the husband of one of the doctors I work with did second marriage without informing her first. They have two little kids.Even though the first wife is devastated she decided to continue the marriage. Everyone at work who came to know about this thinks she did the right thing. Even though there is a breach of trust as per social customs, her husband did nothing wrong as per Islam.

Divorce is disliked by Allah.. Should a woman really initiate divorce as a reaction over something perfectly halal? This life isn't about your or mine likes and wants.. It's about what Allah wants....if Allah says its okay then its okay..this is what is called submission to Allah's will.

 

I suppose you would be okay with your husband contracting multiple mutah's for pleasure on the side since that I think is perfectly halal as well?  If so, then you wouldn't be the only one, still is quite rare though.

[starlight]

I suppose you would be okay with your husband contracting multiple mutah's for pleasure on the side since that I think is perfectly halal as well?  If so, then you wouldn't be the only one, still is quite rare though.

It would definitely hurt me but I won't run to get a divorce.Divorce would be the wrong decision as would be making his life a living hell for taking another wife(wives).

I will repeat what I wrote earlier, if Allah allows it I am no one to raise objections.He is the boss, He makes the rules. My job is to merely follow them if I wish to succeed in this life and the next

[Gaius I. Caesar]

Forgive me sisters , but I would like to share my thoughts on the subject: I, as a Muslim man, understand that I can marry and have four wives but I would rather devote my life and focus on one woman for the rest of my life. I understand that it is my Islamic right according to our fiqh, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, let alone justify it.

Maybe such a guy would be an ideal husband in the Middle East where multi-marriages are common, but in the west he's the worst kind of man.

If an already married man (with kids) proposed to me I'll punch him in the face and break his nose, or throw a glass of cold water on his head. I'll send my brother after him to teach him a lesson...I completely agree with you!

If I found out my "future" husband got a second wife without my permission, I'll not hesitate a second, I'll divorce him and marry another man...

If I took a second wife, this is pretty much how I expect to be treated by my wife. Nothing more, nothing less.