Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
themystic786

Or Else You Are Dead For Us! T_T

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Salam Alaikum

With a lot of courage and nights that I have cried myself to sleep, I have gathered the courage to take the opinion and thoughts of what others would think of my situation and what is the best course of action for me now. I am a syeda, shia ithna asheri girl. I write nohas and recite and am engaged in several other religious activities too out of my peanent job in a MNC firm for 3.5 years.

Since the past 7 years I have been in a deep relationship with a Sunni man, our intention being of marriage. I met him 8n 2009 when I was 16, and he was 18. No haram activities were done by us as we wanted to put up the topic of marriage in front of our parents when we are older. He is a very good person at heart and wanted to know more about the Ahlaybayt a.s., aways helps people, orphans, and whoever ge can, doesn't smoke, drink etc.

Now I am 23 and he is 25. We are of different countries (India/Pakistan). He has become a Shia Ithna Asheri hiding from his parents as he mashaAllah got the ziarat of Imam Sahibaz Zama in his dreams on the day of Eid Fitr this end of Ramadhan 2015.

Our parents found out about us being together in 2010 and it was horrible. My parents house arrested me for 6 months amd said I can't marry a Sunni and a Pakistani no matter what. They made me take oaths on Quran after 6 months and let me go back to study after 6 months in my university. Once I got back we were together again without our parents knowing as we could not live without each other like the parents wanted.

We realized we couldnt live like this forever so we opened the topic up to pur parents but all hell broke loose again. I being the girl had to hear so many things from my family to an extent my parents saying that I'll die for them if I even think of a sunni and pakistani. I told them that he has converted and a very practising momin but they made fun of me and my pain. They said no matter what I will never marry him. The guy's family as well were against a shia and were giving threaths of escalating the matter to the police. Turns out I read my fathers chat log and he was in contact with the guys father saying "We can't let this happen and we have to deal with this emotionally as they are not kids anymore. Even if we take matters to police they can turn the case against us."

I went for vacation with my family to India this year and there under family parents and relatives pressure I got engaged to a Syyed guy (he was out of the country, his parents did the ceremony). When my parents asked me to speak to him and get to know him I said NEVER, because I am truly in love with only 1 man and will always be just with him. Parents said that there and my relation is only to the point that I get married to the syyed guy and not to the sunni one. I kept on saying that he is not sunni and they kept on saying that even if he dies and is of gold I will never marry him. Just to be cleat, my parents love me to death they always gave me everythin I wanted, gave me the best education, best schooling everything! Just this thing they are not giving it to me.

Now that I am out of India and back in the country I work and live with mom dad and siblings, I keep meeting my true love whenever I can and no matter whatever has happened we still discuss islam, talk about ahlaybayt a.s., imam mehdi a.s., listen to sayed ammar lectures together (him in his house me in my house) and talk.on whatsapp viber emails.

I told my parents that I dont want to marry. My parents are saying that its because of u ur engaged and that now theres no turning back or else the entire society will not let us live and will spit on us. They told me to sacrifice my dreams and happiness for them like they sacrificed for me. They say that they have loved me so much so now I have to listen to them and agree for the marriage.

The sayyed guy sent me some clothes during eid but I never wore them and will never do as my heart is only attached to my true love not the one I am being forced to marry under the umbrella of my parent's image and society's acceptance.

I have never spoke to the sayed guy, my parents travelled outside to the country he lives in to meet him and my parents say that he is very well financially established, good looking, religious and funny. I cant never see myself happy with anyone else except my true love. I cry myself to sleep since I have come back from India.

I dont know what I should do. I keep praying to Allah, ahlaybayt a.s. to guide me and help me and him. He as well is in a very bad state but keeps telling me that love for the sake of Allah and hate for the sake of Allah. He tells me that I should come as close to Allah as possible so that my journey is not as difficult.

I love Allah, Ahlaybayt a.s. and Allah knows that I can sacrifice my entire self for his and my Ahlaybayt a.s. sake but it's really difficult knowing that is it too late for me? What should I do? I dont even know if its possible for me to break the engagement as even this is not in my hands as everyone in my relatives and family knows about it.

We are a higher middle class family with office and a side business and my father says that its better I die than ruin their image, izzat.

I always keep thinking that even if I do get married to that sayyed I may not be able to give that man what he deserves. My heart is completely for my love and not for anyone else. I told my mother this but they said that just get married we will see later.

I know that Allah doesnt test a soul with more than it can handle, but its very difficult for me. I want to be with my tre love in this dunya and akhira, but my parents just because he is not sayyed like us is not accepting him.

I am in the taqleed of Imam Sistani and his ruling is that syyeda girls can marry no syyeds but my family is not accepting. I prayed to Allah for death as I cant suicide as its haram and niether can do anything else that's haram. I prayed for death as I can't let anyone else touch me!!! The pain is unbearable and only Allah knows what I am going through but havong third party views on my situation would be appreciable. At the end of the day I know that maybe this is the test of Allah - and I keep telling myself as the quran says that ull never achieve rightiousness unless u give away that which u love the most, and only Allah knows that my true love is who I love the most.

Please give me ur view on this and how should I approach this sitution. Till today I am silent at home and my parents know that I am against the marriage,they threaten me that they'll make me quit my job and keep me home if I dont change my mind. What option do I have than to stay quiet!??? What does Allah want me to do!!!!! T_T

JazakAllah khayrun min jaza.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam, 

 

Once you are baligh, you make your own decisions as far as who you want to marry. 

This is clear in Islam. They have absolutely no justification for their position from the teaching of the Imams of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s)

This is only Indo/Pak culture, not Islam. 

 

I have said this many times before, you have two choices at this point, 

 

1) You can marry him anyway, and this will not affect your religion or akhira in a negative way, in fact it will enhance it but

there will be some negative consequences in the dunya, like your parent may sever their relationship with you. 

But the sin for that will be on them and not on you. Also, they may come to accept your decision eventually, but this may

take years or even decades. 

 

2) You can marry the man they chose for you and forget about this one and learn to love him, and this will not affect your akhira, as marriage is mustahab or wajib in itself. Love is a process, and once you commit to someone (and this works with almost anyone) the love will grow naturally and you will eventually forget about this guy you are in love with now, although this will probably be a long and painful process. You should not marry the one your parents chose if it will affect your religion, and I can think of at least two ways in which this could happen 

 

A ) You don't like this guy they chose at all, to the point where you are sure that you would not be able to fulfill your duties as a wife toward him

(you probably know what I mean)

 

B  ) You are fairly certain that if you married this guy they chose, you would not be able to avoid doing something haram, i.e. zina, with the guy that you love now. PLEASE don't answer these questions here, but these are things you need to think about and reflect on. 

 

If you feel that neither choice will affect your religion, then you are free to choose (no matter what your parent or anyone on here says).

If you feel that one of the choices almost certainly will affect your religion, then you have to make the other one, i.e. the one that won't affect your religion negatively. Your soul is the most valuble asset that you have. Do whatever you have to in order to protect it, even if that means there will be some consequences in the dunya. You can afford to lose your dunya, you can't afford to lose your soul. 

Edited by Abu Hadi

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The sayyed guy sent me some clothes during eid but I never wore them and will never do as my heart is only attached to my true love not the one I am being forced to marry under the umbrella of my parent's image and society's acceptance.


JazakAllah khayrun min jaza.

 

You need to tell that to the guy your engaged to and then go from there.  

Edited by Martyrdom

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brother Abu Hadi, I quite agree with you. I'd just like to add one thing about this part:

 

Also, they may come to accept your decision eventually, but this may take years or even decades. 

 

I do not think that she should marry the gentleman with the expectation that "oh, my parents will eventually get over it and accept him." While most parents do eventually accept their child's choice of spouse despite earlier objections, there are some parents that do not and never come around. If she marries the first gentleman, she should keep in mind that her parents may never get over their objections and may never accept her marriage and should be prepared to accept any negative consequences that may entail. If she feels that she is prepared to face the possibility that her parents may never accept her choice of husband and feels that she can move on with her life despite any negative consequences, then she should marry him, as you suggested.

 

However, if she is not prepared to face her parent's disapproval (and the possibility of being cut off from her family) and will be marrying him with the expectation that her parents will eventually accept him, marrying him is not the best idea. If her parents never accept the gentleman and this results in her family cutting her off, she may grow to resent him later and the resentment could result in their marriage faring badly.

 

As someone who has been in a similar situation (with some differences though), I can very much attest to the fact that some people have very deep rooted prejudices and will simply never change now matter how reasonably, logically, or Islamically one explains things to them.  

Edited by alina92

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

I told my parents that I dont want to marry. My parents are saying that its because of u ur engaged and that now theres no turning back or else the entire society will not let us live and will spit on us. They told me to sacrifice my dreams and happiness for them like they sacrificed for me. They say that they have loved me so much so now I have to listen to them and agree for the marriage. 

why there is no turning back?

and what do you mean by engagement ceremony?

 

lol just speak to the sayyed guy and tell him that you were forced to accept him and that you don't really want to marry him.

forget about parents expectations of the society reaction. Most of the time the society just moves on.

 

though, i think you are being too emotional. you are still young and honestly, sometimes it dose not worth it. they are all basically the same.

 

 

lol at the chat log of both fathers...

lol at taking it to police XD 

 

 

i wonder if you both really care about each other, you are putting his life in danger and he is putting your social picture in jeopardy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wa salam,

 

Do you think your parents would physically hurt you? what do you think would happen if you point blank refused to cooperate at all with this other wedding theyre planning? maybe if you keep reiterating cooly and calmly that you will not proceed with this other wedding, they will eventually give in? what if you told them you have decided you will either marry the man you love or never marry?

Edited by Ruq

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

themystic786, Moderators asked me to remove your profile photo because this topic reveals personal information about you. If the avatar is not your own, it would be problematic to use the display photo of another woman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Alright so I don't want to sound rude, but like how did both your parents get to know each other so well that they've even started chatting ?

 

I'm not sure how to go about things in your situation. If you really think you can't commit yourself to this Sayyed guy, tell him about your ordeal I guess. To begin with, you should not have got into this whole 'engagement' business - considering indo-pak culture, now that your relatives know about the engagement, breaking up is definitely going to have fingers pointed at your family. but if you still don't want to go ahead with it, talk to your fiance (?) and ask him to help you out - if he doesn't, well, at least he'll know your heart isn't in it and just might break things off.

 

but if you dont want to take that path, accept things and move on. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask your guy if he is ready for a court marriage. This will be his test. Tell your parents that if they push you against your will, which is unislamic, then you will do court marriage with your guy. Then if they push you, do a court marriage with the guy.

 

Basically you fell in love while disregarding hijab, hayaa and all islamic convention and instead listened to your own heart. So I'm wondering why now you are confused and not listening to your heart.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask your guy if he is ready for a court marriage. This will be his test. Tell your parents that if they push you against your will, which is unislamic, then you will do court marriage with your guy. Then if they push you, do a court marriage with the guy.

Basically you fell in love while disregarding hijab, hayaa and all islamic convention and instead listened to your own heart. So I'm wondering why now you are confused and not listening to your heart.

JazakAllah brother for your kind comments. May Allah reward you for being so judgemental about someone you don't even know. Like I said, nothing haram was done. Choosing the person you want to marry is NOT a sin, where does haya/hijab etc. Come into the picture.

For Allah's sake read your comments before you post them keeping in mind how much you may insult a person and how you could possibly avoid it inshaAllah!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam,

Once you are baligh, you make your own decisions as far as who you want to marry.

This is clear in Islam. They have absolutely no justification for their position from the teaching of the Imams of Ahl Al Bayt(a.s)

This is only Indo/Pak culture, not Islam.

I have said this many times before, you have two choices at this point,

1) You can marry him anyway, and this will not affect your religion or akhira in a negative way, in fact it will enhance it but

there will be some negative consequences in the dunya, like your parent may sever their relationship with you.

But the sin for that will be on them and not on you. Also, they may come to accept your decision eventually, but this may

take years or even decades.

2) You can marry the man they chose for you and forget about this one and learn to love him, and this will not affect your akhira, as marriage is mustahab or wajib in itself. Love is a process, and once you commit to someone (and this works with almost anyone) the love will grow naturally and you will eventually forget about this guy you are in love with now, although this will probably be a long and painful process. You should not marry the one your parents chose if it will affect your religion, and I can think of at least two ways in which this could happen

A ) You don't like this guy they chose at all, to the point where you are sure that you would not be able to fulfill your duties as a wife toward him

(you probably know what I mean)

B ) You are fairly certain that if you married this guy they chose, you would not be able to avoid doing something haram, i.e. zina, with the guy that you love now. PLEASE don't answer these questions here, but these are things you need to think about and reflect on.

If you feel that neither choice will affect your religion, then you are free to choose (no matter what your parent or anyone on here says).

If you feel that one of the choices almost certainly will affect your religion, then you have to make the other one, i.e. the one that won't affect your religion negatively. Your soul is the most valuble asset that you have. Do whatever you have to in order to protect it, even if that means there will be some consequences in the dunya. You can afford to lose your dunya, you can't afford to lose your soul.

SalamAlaikum

Thank you so much. While only Allah can help me, sometimes words of empathy can help. I am not here on this forum to gather sympathy like many responses I have sadly read, jazakAllah for your kind comments.

May Allah guide all of us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

wa salam,

Do you think your parents would physically hurt you? what do you think would happen if you point blank refused to cooperate at all with this other wedding theyre planning? maybe if you keep reiterating cooly and calmly that you will not proceed with this other wedding, they will eventually give in? what if you told them you have decided you will either marry the man you love or never marry?

Alhamdulillah my parents are not like this. They love me a lot. I guess this is Allah's test and I will have to concentrate on akhira.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've removed a couple posts that seemed rather offensive and not constructive.

 

Please, if someone is generating a thread in seeking help, it's not beneficial to insult the member.

 

Please be respectful to each other, Insha'Allah.

 

All the best,

 

Wasalam

Edited by AhlulBayt_313

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a girl from India and I am also loving a life where my parents want me to do things so that the society thinks well of them. Only so that the society acepts them, them dont want me to do things i want.

Now read my story and u will understand. It wont b too long.

Take a woman from a jail and put her in my house. She will feel no difference.

I live in a locality where girls cant go outside. I have been closed up in my house for 11 years now.

I do go to college but in a white van always with parents or grand parents. Parents occasionaly take me n bro out to a resturant or books shops and then we come back.

I feel so suffocated in this house always locked up i cant even stand at the gate of the house. I cry sometimes it gets so frustuating.

Im not even asking for any social contacts or any friends i just want freedom to walk outside.

I dont see anywhere where islam says that girls should not go out of the house , that they should be always closed in.

Isn't thats why islam has purdah? So that a woman can move around freely?

Also my parents are such pathetic people. When i ended up with this paychiatric problem and had o take medicines for that he would scold me and tell me to stop taking those he would ask if i would continue to take those even after marriage and what i would tell my in laws he would say that i would never get any marriage proposals and the socitey would accept me.

He wanted me to stop my medicines even when i needed those and also those were for my psychological condition and all he can think about is "what will the society think?"

Anyways What im going to do is

IM GOING TO LEAVE HOME AS SOON AS I EARN ENUF MONEY FROM MY JOB.

Im going to move to some other state find a job there and probably live in some hostel for women till i have enuf money for a house pr apartment and then i will probanly keep moving maybe even to the western countries.

Im going to leave home and just leave behind a note for my parents and not tell them anything before that. Just going to plan everything in advance.

I wont let anybody control my life.

I know what is right and i know what is wrong and i can take care of myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And also my dear sister i want to tell tou

ISLAM GIVES FULL FREEDOM AND RIGHT TO EVERY WOMAN TO CHOOSE WHO SHE MARRIES

No one and i say NO ONE not even your father can force you to marry someone against your will

FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS GIRL

THAT WHAT BB ZAINAB (a.s) AND BB FATIMA (a.s) taught us!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear sister firefly,

I don't know how old you are and exactly what are you going through but from your post(s) above I don't see anything wrong with your parents, except for how your father reacted towards your psychiatric medication.

Let me explain, while growing up I was brought up nearly the same way as you. I never left the house unchaperoned until the time I got married at 26. I did move to another city for college and of course there I was on my own but when I was home the rules stayed the same. I also don't remember hanging out with friends after school or college. There were times when I thought it was unfair but with time I learnt it was for my own good and now that I am a mother to a daughter I am the quite the same myself.

What we perceive as control are merely our parents' efforts to protect us from the perils and hazards of the world. We like to think of ourselves as being able to take care of ourselves but most girls are naive,too trusting and unaware of the real world.

Let me tell you something else too, and I know you'd have a hard time believing it but it must be very painful for your father to see you taking those psychiatric meds. His seemingly harsh comments mirror his desperation to see you live a life free of those medicines. He must have those fears that his little girl might have to face problems after marriage if she is still taking those medicines. While I agree with you on the fact that the way he is dealing with his anxieties and apprehensions is not healthy but he is your father and he loves you. So take it easy.

Inshallah you will get plenty of chances in life to travel, go out , see the world be on your own.

Maybe your parents will be comfortable sending you to visits close relatives? Or maybe more frequent trips to the book store. While my mother didn't welcome the idea of me going on day trips with friends or to partys. I was allowed to go to the library with my brother as often as I liked. :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Although I find starlight has explained pretty well, I can't say you don't have a point (at least the way i see it), firefly.

I was given nearly absolute freedom (and actually did what I felt like), meanwhile it was not the case for my elder siblings. There is this fear education in many families that is counterproductive in my opinion. I have made some mistakes in my life, but honestly I don't regret nor complain about the education and the freedom I was given. It is necessary to get to know yourself. However, i agree with star in one very important point. Once you are educated that way, it is better not to take extreme decisions. You will most likely not be prepared for the real world as you were not given freedom from the start. I have had this discussion a lot of times with a very beloved sheykh I know, I complained about the women education and cultural influences in Iraq. I defended that women should be able to move freely in the public sphere, live in yheir own place, work, study, perform mutahs if they want to, etc. Basically the same rights given to men. And I defended this taking the example of many women in the West. In educated societies, women given freedom don't necessarily become whatever most Middle Easterns fear. Under decent education, good valuea and an upbringing based on personal integrity, a woman should perform perfectly in society given the same freedom given to men. For me this is a fact.

As I said before, my older siblings suffered from the education based on pointless conservatism, ignorance and fear. They both ended up rebelling and sadly suffering the consequences of their obvious naive thinking. If you haven't tasted freedom for all your life, taking the decision of leaving your house may produce a terrible fear in your heart, pushing you to trust anyone who gives you some trust (and I'm not referring here to a bad man, but any person, be it male or female).

My recommendation, instead, is to gain freedom bit by bit. Rebel, but not by leaving home, nor through secrecy. Rebel in small things and events. Slowly but constantly. This is a more solid way to gain some freedom and also it won't be traumatic nor risky for you.

My best wishes for you, I appreciate those who fight for themselves and their freedom.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 10/9/2015 at 7:37 PM, Bakir said:

My recommendation, instead, is to gain freedom bit by bit. Rebel, but not by leaving home, nor through secrecy. Rebel in small things and events. Slowly but constantly. This is a more solid way to gain some freedom and also it won't be traumatic nor risky for you.

My best wishes for you, I appreciate those who fight for themselves and their freedom.

Agree with ^. Do it bit by bit. Make it a healthy experience for yourself and for others around you. If you leave home that will only make your parent think they were right in not letting you become independent.

@bakir: while advising her I took into consideration the fact that she lives in India , I think. Not the safest country for young women to be on their own.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Our perceptions on whether a girl can handle her herself are very different.

Not blaming you, i guess u guys were raised that way, heck i was too.

But meh everybody has the right to have their own opinion i guess.

I m still gonna leave though (and and maybe i will call them later i guess to tell im not kidnapped or anything :P)

Ya anyways dear if you really believe whatever u have said to me then theres your answer. You should just marry the guy your parents have chosen for you.

(And im far from naive. I know better than to go around falling in love with stranger an trusting everything they say)

Edited by firefly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Firefly, really, better said than done. You can be very intelligent but life is sometimes hard with us, and family is a great support in such circumstances. We always see ourselves in the future as 100% motivated and full of energy, but the truth is that we are weak beings. We can easily get emotional weakness, physical, psychological, financial, etc. And these are things that are not in our hands.

In any case, if this desire is so deep in you, I'm losing my time giving you any advice. Experience tells me everyone ends up doing whatever he/she wants. And I honestly just told you to choose another method, harming your family should be the last thing to do because it will affect you for life.

I would rather encourage you to be genuine and speak with your parents. They may support you or not, but they deserve some words of honesty.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Im not hurting my family in any way.

But yes it feels easy to say such things but tey might be harder to do.

The thing is adjusting to this society and trying to make my parents understand is harder. They just wont. And i know we as humans are very vulnerable. But i guess im going to try.

Im not being a stupid mindless rebel or anything

Its just that im just not made for this culture and i guess this is how changes start. And unless i dont give it a shot this will never change.

But thatnks for your concern :)

Edited by firefly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Idon't think you are a stupid mindless rebel at all. Definitely not. You want something legitimate and I appreciate that. But communication is something ppsitice, you won't lose anything by speaking. Parents can be very understanding, even those who you may think they will never approve nor understand something. They can always surprise you.

In any case, my best wishes to you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...